The Tree of Knowledge

I sit with Mara for hours. At first it feels good to be there for her. It feels like I’m making a difference. But as the minutes tick by and the silence persists I start to think I’m not helping. The sum total of my contributions is hand holding. My contributions are bull shit.

Doctor Charlie, he actually tried to help. What did I do? I just sat there while Ryan handed out her death sentence. But it would be a sin for me to argue with him. God knows what’s right, doesn’t He?

I should at least say something to Mara. There have to be some perfect words of comfort. But what? What do you say to make someone feel better about the fact that they’re dying?

I don’t have any words.

And I feel like an idiot for not having them because I know she needs them.

It feels like the walls of the Hospital room are closing in on me. It’s the silence, my silence, that’s pressing in. It’s suffocating me.

I have to get out. I want to run. To cry. I want to throw myself into Jace’s warm arms and I want him to tell me it’s going to be okay.

But I can’t leave. Because she’s dying. I have to stay here and hold her hand. Even if that’s all I can do.

Especially if that’s all I can do.

It’s only when she falls asleep that I think it’s okay to leave her.

I need air.

I can’t go back to the waiting room with Ryan and Rebecca. I can’t look at them right now. I head down the hall and push open the door to the stairwell, thinking at least I’ll be alone in there.

The door swings shut behind me with an echoing clunk, shutting out the rest of the world and leaving me alone in the shadowy stairwell. Bright, sparkling sunlight bounces down from the top of the stairs. Someone has left the door to the roof ajar.

I need air.

I run up six flights, taking the stairs two at a time, and burst out the door. There’s blue sky and chirping birds and warm summer air. I close my eyes a take a deep breath, letting the sunlight sink into my skin.

When I open them again, I notice Doctor Charlie standing at the edge of the roof.

“Oh…hello.” he greets me, almost awkwardly.

“Doctor Charlie…what are you doing?”

Doctor Charlie stares over the edge, letting the question hang unanswered, though the answer seems unfortunately obvious.

“I took an oath.” he says.

“What?”

“The Hippocratic Oath. I swore to do no harm…and I meant it. I wanted to help people…heal them. I wanted to bring babies into the world.”

Tentatively, I inch my way towards him.

“Okay…why don’t you come over here and we’ll talk about that?”

Doctor Charlie turns to look at me.

“Please don’t come any closer.” he says.

I stop. Doctor Charlie resumes staring over the edge off the roof. I don’t have any words…

“It seemed important when I took it, that oath. I was so young. I’d just graduated. I felt like the world was good and I could make a difference in it.”

He turns to me again.

“I don’t think I can break it.”

He shakes his head.

“I know, I know. God’s law is much more important than any petty little mortal oath. But don’t you think there’s something wrong with the law if it allows this to happen? What kind of a god would want me to let a woman die like that?”

I don’t know how to answer him. He stands there in silence for a few moments, the question hanging. Doctor Charlie looks me dead in the yes.

“I think I’ll ask Him.”

And he falls backwards off the roof.