SWNOVELS The Temporary Wife: Chapter 63
I’m trembling as I stare at Luca’s hotel room door, my thoughts reeling. I don’t know what to say to him, and I’m scared he doesn’t want to see me. Something this significant happened, and he didn’t even reach out to me. Did I push him away too far? Does he think I’m too much? Too broken. Too insecure. Far too much work.
Even now, insecurity claws at me, trying its best to convince me I’m not good enough, that there’s no way I can help him, and that I’ll only be a burden to him.
We don’t need you to do anything for us, and you don’t need to make yourself useful. You just need to be yourself.
Dion’s words resound through my mind, throwing me a lifeline when self-doubt tries to drown out every positive thought. Would it truly be enough for me to be myself? “Please,” I whisper, willing myself to be a little stronger, to fight a little harder. Luca stood by me for weeks without a single complaint. I’m not hurting any less than I was then, but how could I claim to love him if I can’t do this much? If he pushes me away and tells me he doesn’t want to see me, then I’d deserve that. But he deserves my best effort, no matter what.
I knock on his door and wait, my heart in my throat. I haven’t felt like myself in weeks, but even less so right now. It took me years to become stronger and more independent, yet here I stand, a broken person, about to face the man that built me up brick by brick.
Self-hatred, shame, and doubt nearly consume me, but my love for him keeps me standing here, even when it feels like the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
The door opens, and my heart skips a beat when I see my husband standing in front of me, his hair disheveled, and my favorite gray sweatpants hanging low on his hips, his torso bare. I’ve missed him more than I even realized, and the way he’s looking at me makes me hope he feels the same way.
“Valentina,” he murmurs, shocked. “What are you doing here?”
Nerves keep me captive, but I decide to stand my ground. I force a smile and rush past him, scared he’ll close the door on me and deprive me of a chance to say what I have to.
I turn back to face him when I hear the door fall closed, and he walks toward me hesitantly, his expression guarded. Luca’s eyes slowly roam over my body, taking in the red dress I’m wearing. For a moment, I’m certain I see pain flash through his eyes, but then he sighs and smiles at me. It’s been a really long time since I last saw him smile at me that way — it’s the smile he reserves for everyone but me. Distant. Polite. Fake.
“You look good,” he says, his voice soft. “It looks like you’re feeling better. I’m glad.”
He stares at me for a moment, and then he shakes his head slightly as he tears his gaze off me. Even when I told him we should end things, it didn’t feel as final as it does right now. What have I done?
I’m shaking as I walk toward him, desperation dictating my every move. I’m willing to lose every part of myself, but not if that means I lose him, too.
I pause in front of him, and Luca looks down at me, his expression unreadable. It’s been so long since I stood in front of him without him instantly pulling me into his arms, and it hurts. It kills me to know that I did this to us.
“Forgive me,” I whisper. My eyes fill with tears, and I ball my hands into fists, my nails digging into my skin roughly. “Please forgive me, Luca. I didn’t mean a thing I said. And I—”
It only takes him a split second to pull me into his arms, and the moment he wraps me in his embrace, I burst into tears. A soft sob tears through my throat despite my best attempts to choke it back, and Luca tightens his grip on me.
“There’s nothing to forgive,” he tells me, his words rushed, as though he can’t bear to hear me cry. “Nothing at all, baby.”
I bury my face against his chest and hold on to him tightly, never wanting to let go again.
“I-I’m so s-sorry,” I cry. “I wasn’t thinking clearly, and all of my thoughts just kept spiraling, and it just kept getting worse. I convinced myself that you didn’t truly love me and that you could never want me.” My words tumble out in a rush, and I try my hardest to just breathe. “Then I started to think that you were better off without m-me, and maybe that’s true, but Luca… I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can let you go. Even if you deserve better, even if I’m not right for you, even if I’ve hurt you. I… I can’t.”
He grabs my shoulders and pulls away a little to look at me, his gaze searching. I’ve never seen insecurity in Luca’s eyes before, but that’s exactly what’s staring back at me. “Even if I’m penniless? Even if I’m the reason we lost our home and our jobs?” His voice is soft, a slight tremor to it.
“Even more so then,” I tell him. “I just need you, Luca. If anything, I felt like all of that was standing between us, like we could never be true equals because I could never measure up. I felt like I constantly had to prove myself, like you might leave me if I was no longer useful to you.”
He cups my face, his gaze distressed. “How could you ever think that? I love you more than anything, Valentina. I know that I initially proposed a transactional marriage, but that’s only because you wouldn’t have married me any other way. I thought we agreed that we’d turn our marriage into a real one, didn’t we? How could you doubt my love for you?”
I wrap my arms around his neck and blink back my tears. “You still love me?” I ask, my voice trembling.
Luca smiles at me, and my heart skips a beat. This smile. That’s the one that’s only mine. “I never stopped loving you, not even for one second. We had a couple of rough weeks, but my love for you isn’t that superficial. It was just an argument, baby. It’s a phase we’ll work through. Didn’t I tell you once that there will be seasons in our lives, some better than others? I promised you I’d be by your side through all of them, didn’t I? I never should have left.”
“When you didn’t come back, I… I thought…”
He sighs and presses a kiss to my forehead. “I was hurt, and I thought some space could be good for us. I didn’t want to risk saying something I’d regret when you were clearly in enough pain as it was. I was just giving both of us space and time, but then my grandmother evicted me and I was no longer sure what to do. I’ll be honest with you, Valentina. I was scared.”
He pulls away and runs a hand through his hair, that same insecurity I saw earlier flashing through his eyes again.
“Of what?” I whisper.
He looks at me, his gaze pleading, as though he’s quietly begging me to reassure him. “That you truly wouldn’t want me if I wasn’t a Windsor. All my life, I’ve been surrounded by women who use me for my wealth or my connections, and when you said you wanted to end things with me, I feared the worst. You no longer needed me, and I…”
“Forgive me,” I tell him, my voice breaking. “I will never make you doubt me like that again. Never. I promise, Luca. I just… I was insensitive and selfish, and in my efforts to push you away before you could leave me, I hurt you more than I thought was possible.” I pause and look up at him, hoping my sincerity is evident. “I’ve never once wanted you because you’re a Windsor, Luca. I could’ve gotten a loan from Sierra or your grandmother if I needed one, but instead, I chose to marry you. It wasn’t… it wasn’t because I needed you. It was because I wanted to be with you, despite everything. That has never changed. I love you.”
He smiles shakily and grabs a strand of my hair, mesmerized. “I love you more, Valentina Windsor.”
I look into his eyes, my heart racing. Even now, fear claws at me, but I’m going to hang onto the hope I see in his eyes. From now on, I’ll choose Luca. Over fear, insecurity, doubt — against all the odds.