The Tearsmith: A Novel

Strength is the ability to touch with tenderness

others’ vulnerabilities.

I once read something that Foucault wrote: ‘Develop your legitimate strangeness.’

I had always cultivated my strangeness in secret because when I was growing up, I was taught that other people thought normality was more acceptable.

I spoke to beings that couldn’t speak back to me. I rescued little animals that other people didn’t even notice. I valued what other people thought was insignificant, maybe because I wanted to prove that even little creatures like me could count for something.

I lifted my hand. I was in the garden at home, and the sun was sweetly kissing the leafy branches of the apricot tree. I stretched out my fingers towards the tree trunk and helped a bright green caterpillar onto the bark.

I had found him in my bedroom underneath the window, and I was giving him his freedom back.

‘There you are,’ I whispered. I smiled as he crawled inside a crack in the bark. I clasped my hands together and watched him with a quiet sort of peacefulness.

I had always heard it said that it took great power, great strength to change the world.

I hadn’t ever wanted to change the world, but I’d always thought that it wasn’t grand gestures or displays of power that made a difference. For me, it was the little things that mattered. Everyday actions. Simple acts of kindness from ordinary people.

Everyone, no matter how small, can leave a bit of themselves in this world.

When I went back inside, I smiled. It was Saturday morning, and the irresistible smell of roasted coffee was wafting in from the kitchen. I closed my eyes, enraptured, taking in deep, satisfying breaths of it.

‘Is everything okay?’

It was Anna’s sweet voice. As I opened my eyes, however, I realised that she hadn’t been asking me.

Her hand was resting on Rigel’s head. He had his back turned to me, his black hair was messy and his hands were wrapped around a mug of coffee. He nodded, but I hardly noticed it. I was so enraptured by the sight of his fingers and the prominent veins on his forearm.

Those hands…were capable of both merciless violence and the most heavenly of melodies. His strong knuckles and lithe muscles seemed like they were made for subjugation, but his fingers could also caress a keyboard with such incredible delicateness…

I shook when Rigel got to his feet.

He stood to his full height, and for a moment, the smell of coffee lost some of its intensity. He headed towards the door, and I took a step backwards.

His eyes fixed on me.

I don’t know how to explain it…I was scared of Rigel, but I didn’t know what it was about him that terrified me so much. Maybe it was the almost violating way his eyes pierced deep inside of me. Maybe it was the way his voice was too mature for a boy of his age. Maybe it was because I knew how violent he could become.

Or maybe…it was because of the maelstrom of shivers he caused in me every time he so much as breathed nearby…

‘Scared I’ll bite you, little moth?’ he whispered in my ear as he passed me.

I quickly jumped back, but by then he had already disappeared through the door behind me.

‘Hi, Nica!’

I jumped, and found Anna smiling at me.

‘Coffee?’

I nodded tensely, and then noticed with a rush of relief that she hadn’t noticed the little exchange between Rigel and I. I joined her at the table for breakfast.

‘Would you like to spend some time together today?’

My cookie fell into my coffee. I looked up at her with raised eyebrows, stupefied.

Anna wanted to spend time with me?

‘You and me?’ I asked to make sure. ‘Just the two of us?’

‘I was thinking a girly afternoon, without the guys,’ she replied. ‘Do you not fancy it?’

I hurried to shake my head, trying hard not to smash my mug. My heart was shining, making all my thoughts glow in its light.

Anna wanted to spend time with me, for an afternoon, for an hour, for however long a walk took. It didn’t matter how long – the mere fact that she had asked flooded my soul with light.

The fairy tale smelt sweet when she was around. It shone like her hair and glowed like her smiles. It was imbued with the sound of her laughter and the warmth of her eyes.

And I wanted to live inside it, forever.

—

‘Nica, how about this one? Oh, no, wait…what do you think of this one, instead?’

I was dazed and confused. The clothes store was massive. I had already tried on so many outfits, but Anna approached me with yet another shirt and held it up to my torso. Instead of looking at it, I gazed glassily at her. She smelt like the house, and she was so close that I was walking around, entranced, in a dream. I couldn’t believe I was really here, with an array of shopping bags at my feet and someone at my side who wanted to buy me even more. Someone who wanted to spend money on me, even though she knew I could offer nothing in return.

When Anna had suggested spending time together, I never imagined that she would take me shopping, or that she wanted to buy anything for me, least of all shirts, skirts and new underwear.

I felt the need to pinch my hand to make sure that it was all really true.

‘Do you like it?’

I stared at her dreamily.

‘Yes, a lot…’ I whispered, stupefied, and she laughed.

‘You’ve said that every time, Nica.’ She looked me in the eyes, just as I liked. ‘You must have some preferences!’

I felt my cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

The truth was that I liked everything. It might seem exaggerated and hard to believe, but it was true.

I wanted to find the right words to explain it to Anna. To make her understand that I found all of her suggestions golden and wonderful.

That no one had ever given me their time before.

That when your life is entirely wishes and daydreams, you learn to enjoy the small things – unexpectedly finding a four-leafed clover, finding a drop of jam on the table, the intensity of meeting another’s gaze.

And preferences…

Preferences were a privilege I had never been able to afford.

‘I like colours,’ I murmured with almost childish hesitation. ‘Multicoloured things…’ I lifted up a pair of pyjamas with happy little bees on them. ‘Like these!’

‘I think…in fact, I’m pretty sure those are for children,’ Anna objected, blinking several times.

I blushed, my mouth hanging open. I quickly checked the label, and she burst out laughing. Then she put her hand on my arm.

‘Come on, I saw the same design in the hosiery department.’

An hour later, I had a bag full of new socks.

I would no longer feel draughts on winter nights, or feel splinters poking through the threadbare fabric on my feet. Anna left the store, and I ecstatically rushed after her with all my bags.

‘Oh, hi, honey!’ she was saying into her phone. ‘Yes, we’re still here…Of course, all great,’ she smiled, taking a few bags off me. ‘Just a few little things…No…No, Carl’s giving me a hand, but I’ll have to open on Monday morning. Where are you?’ Her face lit up, and she came to a stop. ‘Really? By which entrance? I didn’t think you’d come right here! How come you didn’t…What?’

I watched her listening attentively. Her eyes opened wide in surprise and she lifted a hand to her mouth.

‘Oh, Norman!’ she burst out, thrilled. ‘You’re joking? But…but, that’s marvellous, honey!’ She burst into a peal of laughter. ‘What wonderful news! This is your year, didn’t I say so? And I’m sure it’ll be really good publicity for the business!’

I stood beside her, not understanding what she was talking about, and she carried on congratulating him, radiating happiness.

‘Good news?’ I asked her once she’d finished the call.

‘Very good! It’s not really all that exciting, but Norman just got some news he’s been waiting for for a long time. His firm is going to participate in an annual conference! He’s been chosen along with a few others, it’s really a unique opportunity. He’s been waiting for this for so long!’ With a smile she gestured for me to come with her. ‘Come on, he’s here too! The conference is in a week’s time. Norman had almost given up hope…I’ll cook a roast tomorrow! After all, it’s Sunday, and we should celebrate with a nice meal, don’t you think?’

I nodded, happy to hear her so excited.

We crossed the mall and Anna carried on telling me about the annual conference, a prestigious event for industry experts. We reached the other entrance and she pointed out another clothes store.

‘He should be around here somewhere…Norman! Hey!’

He waved and came over to meet us.

‘Oh, I’m so happy for you!’ Anna dived into his arms, making him blush.

‘Yes, well…you did say so, and you’re never wrong. Hi, Nica,’ he smiled at me awkwardly, and I smiled back. Anna smoothed the shoulders of his jacket.

‘I’d be more than happy to come with you! We can chat about it later…But how come you’re here? I thought you were going to stay at home today!’

‘I’m here with Rigel…he also needed to buy a few things,’ Norman said.

A strange feeling came over me, and my eyes started scanning around looking for him.

‘I lost him between departments, I think…’ He scratched his head and Anna smiled.

‘Nica, do you want to have a look around?’ She pointed towards the shelves inside the store. ‘You might find something you like. Why don’t you go and have a look?’

I hesitated, but decided to let them talk and slipped inside the store, looking around warily. I tried to concentrate on the clothes, but I couldn’t do it. I knew that he was in there somewhere, with his unfathomable eyes and irresistible aura.

As I wandered around the store, a bag slipped out of my hands and fell to the ground. I bent down to pick it up, but then someone bumped into me. He cursed, and I opened my eyes wide.

‘Sorry…’ I stammered. ‘I dropped a bag and…’

‘Watch it!’ the boy grumbled, picking up a sweater he’d dropped.

I hurried to collect my things and he held out a bag to me. I reached to take it, and felt him tugging on it slightly as I murmured, ‘Thanks…’

‘Hey…I know you.’

I looked up and he blinked a few times. His face looked a little familiar.

‘You’re the snail girl.’ He looked intensely in my eyes. ‘You are, aren’t you?’

That’s where I’d seen him before, on the little wall outside school the day before. I was surprised he remembered me. No one normally did.

‘You got enough bags there?’ he asked suddenly. ‘One of these shopaholics, are you?’

‘Oh,’ I gathered myself. ‘No, I, well…’

‘A big spender,’ he observed, looking into my eyes with a slightly studied smile.

‘It’s really just this once…’

‘Yeah, yeah, sure, that’s what they all say,’ he replied. ‘But the first step to overcoming a problem is admitting you have one, don’t you think?’

I tried to come up with a retort, but he interrupted me again. ‘Oh, don’t you worry, your secret is safe with me,’ he said knowingly. ‘I’ve never seen you before at Burnaby, by the way…’

‘I’m new,’ I replied, noticing that he’d taken a step closer to me. I suddenly wondered why he was talking to me.

‘Are you a senior?’

‘Yeah…’

‘Huh…well, welcome,’ he murmured slowly. His lips curled and he looked at me closely.

‘Thanks…’

‘Maybe, snail girl, you might like to know my name…What do you think? So that next time you want to warn me about some creepy-crawly in the vicinity you’ll know what to call me.’ He held out his hand and smiled confidently. ‘Tell you what, I’ll make this simple. I’m –’

‘In the way.’

An icy voice cut through the air, freezing me to the spot.

The boy turned around to find a looming presence behind him.

Rigel’s black eyes were planted on him, following his every little move as he opened his mouth and glanced back at me.

‘Oh, um…sorry,’ he stammered, caught by surprise. He moved aside, flattening himself against a shelf to let Rigel pass.

Rigel slowly stepped past him, without looking away from him and without any of the haste or courtesies that you’d normally show to someone who had crammed themselves into an uncomfortable position to let you pass.

Unexpectedly, he stopped right behind me, so close that it was impossible for me to ignore him. The lure of his body was immense and irresistible. It was destabilising.

‘Ah…’ the boy murmured, looking at us. ‘Are you…together?’

Rigel was silent, and I shifted a little uncomfortably. I repressed the urge to turn round and look into his eyes to try and see what his intentions were and clasped my hands together awkwardly.

‘In a way…’ I replied.

The boy met Rigel’s gaze, almost reluctantly.

‘Hi…’ he said, vaguely, but behind me Rigel did nothing.

I was sure that he was still staring at him.

Then, suddenly, I felt his hand brushing against my hair.

A flash of icy surprise froze me to the spot. My legs were jammed, I couldn’t move.

What was he doing?

Was Rigel…touching me?

No…I felt the precise touch of his fingertips. His fingers were making their way through my hair, without pulling, without brushing against me. He slowly coiled my hair around his fingers, and I turned to look up at him.

Rigel gave the boy a long look, his eyebrows arched. Then his eyes slipped down to me.

He met my tense and bewildered gaze, and I thought I could feel his fingers tightening around my hair.

‘We’re going,’ he said in his deep voice. ‘Come on.’

If he hadn’t been standing so close to me, I would have already noticed that Anna was behind him. I saw her motioning for us to leave and gathered myself.

‘Oh…’ Clutching the shopping bags, I looked uncertainly at Rigel and then turned back round towards the boy. ‘I’ve got to…’

‘Of course,’ he nodded, sliding his hands into his pockets.

‘Bye then.’ I gave him a little wave before moving away.

Rigel took his hand off my hair and turned around, walking in front of me. I watched his broad shoulders and realised that my throat was a little dry. I could still feel his fingers in my hair.

What had come over him?

‘Find anything?’

I looked up at Norman. His thick glasses made him look like an owl.

‘Oh, no…’ I replied. ‘I’ve already bought too much stuff.’

He nodded, if possible, more awkward than me. I took the opportunity to congratulate him on the conference. He stammered at me, embarrassed, but I noticed him smiling all the same.

He told me that he’d been waiting for this moment for a very long time. It was only the most famous firms who were asked to participate, and there would be discussions on the hottest topics in the field – rat poison, innovative insecticides, gadgets and strategies for parasites of all shapes and sizes.

After he’d been talking for a while, my head felt quite heavy. We walked past a store window, and as Norman happily chatted about the latest pesticides on the market, I noticed my complexion had taken on an unhealthy tinge. I started to feel unwell.

‘Hey, are you okay?’ I heard him ask doubtfully, noticing my face. ‘You’ve gone a bit green…’

‘Nica!’

Anna was waving, a few metres in front of us. She was beaming, and I felt extremely relieved that she’d interrupted.

‘Come and look at this dress!’

It was only when I got to the boutique that I managed to see what had caught her eye.

In the window there was a pretty little pastel-coloured dress. It was plain, made with a delicate fabric that clung to the bust and hips. It had thin shoulder straps, a line of little pearl buttons down the front, and the skirt billowed out from the waist in soft pleats.

But what struck me most was the colour of the fabric. It was a light, sky blue – like the forget-me-not petals that I would rub on my clothes when I was little to try and make them less grey.

I was enraptured, like I used to be when I stared up at the clouds from the grounds of the institute. There was something about this dress that reminded me of those moments, something delicate and clean like the skies I would chase after, dreaming of freedom.

‘Isn’t it just the cutest?’ Anna said, touching my wrist, and I nodded slowly. ‘Do you want to go in and try it on?’

‘No, Anna, I…You’ve already bought me so many things…’

But she had already opened the door and gone up to the store assistant.

‘Hello. We’d like to try on that dress over there.’ She pointed towards the corner of the window display, making the girl’s face light up.

‘Of course,’ she said politely. ‘I’ll go get it for you right away!’ She disappeared into the back.

I slowly tugged at Anna’s sleeve.

‘Anna, really, there’s no need…’

‘Oh, why not?’ she replied, smiling. ‘I want to see what you look like in it. You’ll do that for me, won’t you? After all, it’s our day together.’

I started to stammer something, uncertain, but the sales assistant popped back into the store again.

‘We’re all sold out!’ she exclaimed, wiping the back of her hand across her forehead. ‘But you can take that one in the window!’

She went up to the mannequin and delicately slid the dress off it.

‘The last one left! Here you go,’ she handed it to me and I gazed at it for a moment, enraptured. ‘The fitting rooms are this way, follow me!’

Anna gestured for me to follow and took the bags off me. I saw Norman coming in through the door, and behind him, briefly, glimpsed Rigel.

I followed the sales assistant to the fitting rooms, in a corner hidden from view in the back of the store. I slipped into the one furthest away from the door.

I made sure that the curtain was properly closed and got undressed. I lifted the dress over my head, getting it caught in my hair. I’d never been particularly skilled at getting dressed, maybe because the clothes I used to wear at The Grave were always too big and baggy, or maybe because the few times that I’d put on good clothes I had always been too euphoric to wear them in front of anyone else.

The dress fit tightly over my chest and clung to my body down to my waist. I got slightly embarrassed by the way that it so perfectly hugged my breasts and revealed so much of my legs. I stared at it, unable to look up.

I tried to zip it up at the back but couldn’t reach.

‘Anna?’ I called hesitantly. ‘Anna, I can’t zip it up…’

‘Oh, no problem,’ her voice replied from just outside. ‘Come here? I’ll help you.’

She reached a hand through the curtain and pulled up the zipper. Then, before I could do anything else, she pulled open the curtain, taking me totally by surprise.

‘Wow!’ she smiled ecstatically as soon as she saw me. ‘It looks amazing on you! Oh, Nica, you look so pretty!’

I cringed as she looked at me with shining, wonderstruck eyes.

‘It’s like it was made just for you! Have you seen how great you look? It suits you so well!’

She came to stand at my side, and I saw that my face had turned red from embarrassment.

‘How’s it going?’ the sales assistant asked after a moment, then froze when she saw me. ‘Oh!’ She came up to me with her mouth hanging open, happy and admiring. ‘You look incredible! Like an angel!’

Anna turned to her. ‘Doesn’t she just?’

‘You just need the wings!’ the girl joked, and I flinched when I heard other people coming into the store. I scratched my cheek, looking at the floor.

‘Oh, I…’

‘Do you like it?’ Anna asked.

‘Do you like it?’

‘Nica, how could I not like it? Look at yourself!’

I looked at myself.

I lifted my face and looked at myself. I looked at myself properly.

In my doubtful eyes, there was a glimmer I never thought I would see. There was something in my gaze that even I didn’t know how to interpret.

Something alive.

Delicate.

Light.

It was me.

It was me, wearing the sky like I’d always wanted. It was me, shining on the inside, as if one of my dreams had been sewn onto my skin. As if I would never again have to rub flowers onto myself to feel less dirty…

‘Nica?’ Anna called me, and I looked down.

My eyes were stinging. I hoped that she wouldn’t hear me sniffling as I touched the hem of the dress. I whispered, ‘I like it…I like it so much. Thank you.’

Anna squeezed my shoulder so softly that I wanted to feel her next to me all the time. She was giving me so much…too much for a soft heart like mine. I could no longer even consider the possibility of losing her. If something in the adoption process went wrong, I’d never see her again.

‘We’ll take it,’ I heard her declare.

I headed back into the fitting room. I touched the dress with my fingers, the line of little white buttons following the curve of my chest.

It was so cute…

But then I remembered I wouldn’t be able to take it off alone.

‘Anna, sorry, please could you give me a hand?’ I asked. I moved aside the fitting room curtain just enough to reveal my back. I waited patiently. She said nothing, but I could sense her presence behind me. I gathered my hair over to one side, moving it off my back so it wouldn’t get in the way.

‘The zipper, Anna,’ I specified awkwardly. ‘Sorry, I can’t reach it. Can you help me?’

There was a long silence.

Then, after a moment, I heard the sound of footsteps slowly walking towards me.

One hand held the collar, the other shuffled to clasp the zipper. Slowly, she pulled it down.

My ears filled with the quiet metallic zwip and the dress fell open.

‘Okay, thank you,’ I said, when it was undone down to my shoulder blades.

But she didn’t stop there.

The dress continued to be unzipped with a disarming slowness, and I felt a shiver down my spine.

‘Anna, that’s fine,’ I reassured her gently, but the fingers tightened on the collar and the zipper continued downwards.

Right down, down to the waist, then just under the small of my back. The dress opened like a beetle’s wings to reveal my skin, and my voice came out higher.

‘Anna…’

Then the click of the zipper arriving at the bottom. The dress was completely undone. I turned to stare at my reflection with my arms wrapped around my chest to keep it from sliding off me.

I could now take it off easily. I blinked, moving my lips into a slight smile.

‘Oh, er…thanks…’ I murmured, before pulling the curtain closed.

I shook my head, letting the dress fall to my feet, and stood there in my underwear. I put my clothes back on and left the fitting room.

There was no one standing outside.

I looked for Anna but couldn’t see her, and when I came back into the store, I found her close to the counter holding her phone. Norman was outside, looking into the store windows.

‘All good?’ she asked.

‘Yes, thanks…’ I smiled, clutching the dress. ‘I wouldn’t have been able to take it off without your help.’

Anna lifted a hand to her chest and looked at me apologetically.

‘Oh, I’m sorry, Nica, I got a phone call and completely forgot! It wasn’t a lot of hassle, was it? You managed to undo it?’

I looked at her with that smile still on my lips. I didn’t understand.

‘Yes…thanks to you,’ I said again.

Her confusion made me feel even more alienated. A strange feeling arose inside of me, and then, suddenly, I was overcome by a sense of foreboding.

My gaze swung to look outside.

Rigel was leaning against a pillar. His piercing eyes were looking around. He looked almost bored, and his arms were folded over his chest.

No…What was I thinking?

‘Here we are!’ The sales assistant approached and looked at me happily. ‘So, you’re taking it, are you? Great decision.’ She smiled. ‘It looks so good on you!’

‘Thanks,’ I said, embarrassed and blushing a little. She looked at me enthusiastically.

‘And it’ll go with just about anything, you could even wear it as part of a more casual outfit…Look.’ She picked something up from a hanger. ‘Even just one of these…see how cute that looks?’

I realised only too late that she was holding a belt.

She put it around me, but my arms were still dangling at my sides so the leather brushed against my skin.

It all happened very quickly.

I felt it on my flesh.

I felt it chafing.

I felt it pressing, squeezing, closing around me, constraining me…

I violently tore away. I jerked backwards, eyes wide. The sales assistant stared at me, stupefied, her hands still outstretched, and I carried on moving back until I collided with the counter. My body contracted. My icy heart started beating wildly, fit to burst. I tried to control it but my hands were shaking and I had to grab on to the side to keep hold of reality.

‘What’s happening?’ Anna asked, coming back from looking for Norman. She saw me shaking and immediately got worried. ‘Nica, what’s wrong?’

My skin felt tight. I absolutely had to calm down, to fight those sensations, keep them under control…I looked at Anna’s face. I didn’t want her to see me like this. I wanted her only to see me as the perfect girl wearing the pretty dress.

As a girl she’d want beside her.

A girl who would never annoy or bore her.

‘Nothing,’ I whispered, trying to seem convincing, but my vocal cords took no pity on me. I swallowed, trying to keep my body’s reactions under control, but in vain.

‘Do you feel unwell?’ she asked, looking at me with concern. She came closer and her eyes looked enormous and overwhelming, like magnifying glasses.

Things got worse. I felt a visceral, pathological need to cover my body, to hide, to run far away from her gaze, to disappear.

Don’t look at me, something inside of me prayed. Uncontrollable anxiety coursed through me, made me feel wrong, small, disgusting and guilty. My heart was pumping furiously, and I fell at breakneck speed into my fears, trying desperately to hold Anna’s gaze.

She would throw me away.

She’d throw me out with the garbage because that was what I deserved.

That was where I belonged.

That’s where people like me ended up.

I would never have that fairy tale.

I would never have my happy ending.

There were no princesses in this story.

There were no fairies, or mermaids.

There was just a little girl…

Who had never been good enough.