The Tearsmith: A Novel

Let’s wear the stars.

And walk among dreams.

We’ll be celestial bodies.

You will wear my love like an eternity.

And any moon, seeing you so resplendent,

will want the love of a sun

to make it shine the same way.

A ring.

Carl had given Adeline a ring.

The news of their engagement had shocked and delighted everyone. Anna had brought her hands to her heart, emotional, and I had thrown myself at her in such an enthusiastic hug that we both fell onto the couch.

I felt a joy I couldn’t explain in words, that filled my heart with music and light. I loved her deeply. She deserved happiness.

Anna decided to organise a little party at our house to celebrate and invited all our friends. After all, Adeline was part of the family now.

‘You’ll be on time, won’t you?’ I typed on my phone as my footsteps pounded along the sidewalk.

I was walking briskly along the street, my hair fluttering behind me in the breeze.

‘Yes,’ was Rigel’s only reply, concise as ever. He never wasted words, not even in messages.

I knew how busy he was with his studies and all the rest, but I hoped he’d be on time, especially that evening.

‘See you at eight, then,’ I wrote, happy and light.

That day I had another reason to be in a good mood: after weeks of studying, I had passed the Infectious Diseases exam with full marks. It wasn’t an easy subject, and I had immediately called Rigel to let him know how happy I was, because he knew how enthusiastic I was about my studies. He was always the first person I called after an exam, and the only one who would give me a compliment that made me smile gleefully like a little girl.

‘Have fun with the others,’ he replied, unusually attentive.

I was going for a beer with some classmates before dinner. According to them, we should celebrate such an important exam, and I thought it was a really nice idea. I had gone home to get changed, dressing for the evening so I wouldn’t have to excuse myself later when guests were over.

‘Thanks,’ I messaged, smiling at the screen, then I put my phone away and hurried to the bar.

It was well-lit, sophisticated and inviting. Through the window, I glimpsed leather couches and rows of lights hanging from the ceiling like the branches of a weeping willow. It had a friendly, relaxed atmosphere.

Will was already there. He was waiting outside the bar, but he didn’t notice me until I was right behind him.

‘Hi! Have you been waiting long?’

‘Hey. No, I just got here…’ he said softly, turning to face me.

He looked down at me, and I checked my reflection in the bar window to make sure nothing was out of place.

I was wearing high heels, some tight-fitting pants and a short blazer that came down to my waist. Underneath, I had chosen a pearly grey top that matched my eyes. It was a sophisticated, feminine corset top with long, puffy organza sleeves. My hair was loose and around my neck was the beautiful tear-drop necklace that Rigel had given me for my birthday.

I had also put on some light make-up for the evening. My eyes were shining, and soft lipstick accentuated the softness of my lips, making them look fuller and bringing out the rosy complexion of my cheeks.

After having overcome challenges and gaining confidence, several years ago, Anna and I had shared one of those mother–daughter moments I had always dreamt of. We went shopping for beauty products together, and she had taught me how to do my make-up. Slowly, calmly, carefully and patiently. It had been a very intimate and important moment for me, one that I would remember forever.

Norman, on the other hand, had taught me to drive, and thanks to him I had got my licence. He had come to the test with me, and despite how nervous I was, he calmed me down with his usual awkwardness. After I passed, I came out of the building waving my licence, and he had given me a soft, proud and awkward hug, laughing behind his thick glasses.

I guarded these moments in my memory, like a treasure chest of precious wonders.

I noticed Will looking at my legs. Billie had told me that those pants showed off my curves more than my other clothes, but I had chosen them because they were extremely comfortable and I felt good in them, not because I wanted to attract attention.

‘So,’ I said, biting my lip and looking around. ‘Are the others coming or…’

‘They’re coming.’ Will looked me in the eyes. ‘You know they’re always late. Even to class.’ He smiled and his green eyes shone.

He was attractive. His athletic physique and smile won the hearts of many women. It was one of those sunny, contagious smiles that I often found myself light-heartedly reciprocating. Each time I did, however, he became pensive, as if he saw in my spontaneous, genuine smile something that wasn’t there in the adoring looks of others.

‘You did well today, in the exam,’ Will murmured warmly.

He had come closer. He let his eyes wander over my face, and I smiled with relief.

‘Thanks. You too. I was a bit nervous at the start…I’m happy it went well.’

‘We could study together next time,’ he suggested, without taking his eyes off me. He gazed at me, enchanted. ‘We could meet up after class…You know, I don’t live too far away from campus. You could come over to mine…’

‘Guys! Hey!’

Two of our classmates joined us, interrupting the conversation. Will bit his lip. I looked up at them and smiled in greeting. I really hoped that he was inviting me over just as a friend, but I feared this was not the case. I drove away those thoughts and concentrated on the two girls who had just arrived. We didn’t often go out together, but I liked them. We spoke about our shared passion and keen interest in our studies. Another couple were supposed to come too, but couldn’t make it in the end because of a time clash.

‘So…is it just us?’ Will asked and the girls nodded, at which point he looked back up at me. His eyes lingered on me for a moment before he added, ‘Let’s go in then….’

‘I’ve heard lots of good things,’ I smiled happily, gesturing to the bar. ‘Two good friends of mine came here and said that their craft beers are really good! They also serve these sandwiches with a special sauce with the drinks, and fries that are to d—’

I was cut off by someone coming up behind me, spinning me around and lifting my face up, crushing his lips onto mine.

My heart leapt as I recognised the scent of Rigel. His fingers held my jaw as he gave me such a heated and unexpected kiss that it took my breath away. He devoured my lips so demandingly that my slender body almost gave way under his fiery passion.

I gripped his arm, and Rigel planted his narrowed eyes on Will, firing him an incandescent look while still kissing me. I squeezed his leather jacket, certain I had no more breath left in my lungs, and he decided to withdraw.

Scarlet and shaken, I tidied my hair, and Rigel put an arm around my shoulders before turning with casual, false innocence towards my speechless companions.

‘Oh, William,’ he said, clicking his tongue. ‘You’re here too. What a scatterbrain I am, I didn’t see you at all.’

Of course he had seen him. He had glared furiously at him.

Will stared at him, petrified, and the girls gaped at him with bewildered expressions.

He had certainly made a dramatic entrance, but I knew that wasn’t the only reason his appearance had caused such astonishment.

Rigel wasn’t the sort of guy you expected to just bump into on the street. He was terrifying and enchanting. He gave off a masculine authority which, combined with his sculpted physique, made him seem a born predator.

‘Do…do you think that’s appropriate?’ I stammered, indignant and still shaken.

‘Now, don’t tell me you didn’t like it, little moth,’ he hissed in my ear, with that gruff, amused tone of voice that inflamed my stomach.

I frowned at him reproachfully, still as red as a tomato.

‘So you’re the mysterious boyfriend,’ one of the girls burst out, encouraged by her friend. They looked at him admiringly.

He gave them a shrewd look and a half-smile and told them the name of his star. ‘I’m Rigel.’

He had never been very forthcoming, and that wasn’t about to change, but I knew all too well how skilfully he could make people like him if he wanted to. I was sure that was what he was doing now.

‘Oh, Nica is always so secretive about you,’ she reproached me affectionately. ‘She never opens up! She told us that you’re studying engineering and you play the piano, but as for the rest, she always seems…’

‘What have you done to your hands?’ Will interrupted her. He was staring at Rigel’s hands, which were covered in red cuts and scratches.

They were wounds he had got during the attack at his apartment, the ones I had tended.

‘Oh, nothing,’ he declared calmly, a glint in his eyes. ‘A fight.’

That wasn’t true!

Will had a wary expression.

‘A…fight?’

‘No, he just cut himself,’ I tried to downplay it, but Rigel curled his lips into an effortless smile, knowing he didn’t need to raise his voice to be intimidating.

‘Some dude got on my nerves. Maybe I should have listened to my psychiatrist when he told me I’ve got serious problems with anger management and a strong inclination for personality disorders…’

He burst out laughing, shaking his head, as Will stared at him, wide-eyed.

I smiled nervously.

‘He…he’s joking…’

The girls relaxed, getting his strange sense of humour, but Will froze, as if my boyfriend was even worse in the flesh than he had imagined.

‘So, shall we go in?’ Rigel suggested nonchalantly, utterly formidable. His arm was still around my shoulders, as if the situation was enormously relaxing for him. I thought I glimpsed Will swallow.

‘You’re…coming too?’

‘Oh, did the invitation not extend to me? I don’t think that’s what you said the other day, on that video call…’ Rigel let it go, piercing Will with a glare that evoked all the friendly advice he had dispensed during that conversation.

Will seemed to get the gist. He turned around and hurried into the bar, as if there was nothing he wanted more than to be swallowed up by the revolving doors. My classmates followed him, chatting breezily about how fancy the bar was.

‘You know,’ Rigel murmured sourly when we were alone, ‘you’ve got a strange knack for attracting imbeciles.’

‘Can you stop terrorising him?’ I glanced at him sideways.

‘That hasn’t even crossed my mind,’ he hissed into my ear, squeezing my arm. The compact heat of his body tested my good will. I suspected he was aware of this.

‘Is that why you came? Because of Will?’ I asked, an edge of hardness in my voice, as we slipped together through the revolving doors. His broad hand touched my face. I wanted to grab hold of it. Just a bit.

‘You’ve been wanting me to meet your friends for ages…Right?’

He was putting his spin on the situation again. It was true that I had often expressed that desire, but I also knew him well enough to know that he hadn’t come just because he suddenly fancied a bit of socialising.

Rigel stopped the door with a hand. He tilted his face and looked at me. ‘Aren’t you happy I’m here?’ he asked in a low voice, his black, velvety eyes swallowing up my resolve.

I looked at him, my throat tight, my eyes shining and my cheeks still slightly scorching, because in truth, I was incredibly excited he had come, more than he could imagine. He stared at my eyes and lips, and my heart melted with a sigh.

‘Will you behave?’ I asked quietly.

He raised an eyebrow with a hint of mirth, putting on that angelic act that made him seem like the worst of devils.

‘Don’t I always?’

I shot him a knowing look, but Rigel pushed me through the door into the pleasant warmth of the bar. It was even nicer inside – the little lights created a pleasant, relaxed, almost festive atmosphere. I noticed a load of young people sitting around tables and at the bar. It must have been a popular student bar.

We found the others at the back, sat on couches around a circular table. We sat down. Rigel kept his jacket on, but I took mine off and put it on the couch next to me. I looked around with bright eyes, enchanted. I slowly tucked my hair behind my ears, and only noticed then that Will, on the other side of the table, was furtively looking at me in my glossy organza top.

He quickly glanced away towards the bar as I smiled at my friends, nodding in agreement with their comments about the bar.

Next to me, Rigel leant back and stretched an arm behind me. I sensed his gaze following the little line of buttons down to the small of my back, but I kept talking to the girls.

I was feeling a strange sort of euphoria. Adeline was getting married, university was going well, I had a special, loving family…those emotions all melded together into a mix of happiness that made my face glow and my eyes shine.

While the others were distracted, Rigel leant over me and moved his burning lips to my ear.

‘You know, I’ve been thinking…’ he whispered, breathy, smooth, venomous. The words slid on his tongue like silk.

I drew closer, smiling, and asked lightly, ‘About what?’

‘About all the things I’d like to do to you.’

I choked. I blushed, wide-eyed, and I saw Will on the other side of the table watching us with a hesitant expression. I thought of the things that he usually did to me, and blushed even more.

Rigel buried his face in my hair, burning my skin with his breath. He wasn’t being good, he was being as bad as he could. It already hadn’t been easy to control my reactions to having him close, and hearing him speak to me so intimately, brazenly, definitely didn’t help.

I jumped when I felt his phone vibrating.

Rigel pulled away from me slightly reluctantly, and smoothly pulled it out of his pocket. I surmised that it was one of the many people who contacted him about private tutoring. He got up to go and have the conversation outside, away from the chatter and background noise.

I watched him disappear through the crowd, which unconsciously parted to let him through. It was strange to see him there, he was like a colour that always clashed with the others.

He always seemed out of place. Everyone else looked identical next to him, like stones next to a diamond. Of course, everyone had their nuances, their peculiarities, but Rigel was more complex than everyone else. His many facets gleamed like the stars. He had a cutting personality and a mineral heart; a soul like his shone only for a few.

And I would hold it tight. Forever.

‘Good evening,’ a young waitress smiled at us kindly, clicking her pen. ‘What can I get you?’

We greeted her and ordered from the menu. She quickly jotted our choices down on her pad. I chose a porter for Rigel, one that wasn’t too smoky. I really hoped he’d like it. The waitress left us.

I joined in with the others’ conversation about university, our courses, the afternoon labs, and by the time our drinks arrived after a few minutes, Rigel still hadn’t come back.

I looked around for him. I didn’t want to be too anxious, or clingy, but because of his illness I was always worried that he’d have an attack and feel ill. Even though there was nothing I could do, short of helping him take his medication, the idea that something could happen to him at any moment distressed me.

I got to my feet, promising I’d be right back, and went to go look for him. I just wanted to make sure he was all right, even if I just glanced outside. But there was no need to head towards the exit. To my surprise, I found him standing near the bar, holding his phone, and facing a…group of people?

‘Rigel?’

I took his hand and he spun around, staring at the fingers covered in Band-Aids that had interlaced with his. He calmed down when he realised that it was me. Even after all these years, he still wasn’t used to some spontaneous gestures.

He was with three boys and a girl I had never seen before.

‘Hi,’ I said, surprised and confused, then I looked up at him, searching for his eyes. ‘I didn’t see you come in…’

‘That’s our fault,’ one of the boys said amicably, his hands in his jacket pockets. ‘We happened to bump into each other.’

I gave him a curious look, but noticing my confused expression, the girl gave a tight smile and with a hint of satisfaction announced, ‘We’re in the same faculty.’

‘Oh!’ I smiled, an intense warmth spreading through my chest.

It was the first time that I had had the opportunity to meet his classmates and I was very happy about it.

‘Pleased to meet you! I’m Nica.’

‘Are you…a friend of his?’ one of them asked tentatively. I realised that Rigel’s solitariness, his wariness about any sort of intimacy, was the reason for their uncertainty.

‘I’m his girlfriend,’ I replied calmly, to a shocked reaction.

They all smiled at me with a new awareness, as if my happy, bubbly presence made Rigel seem more approachable.

‘Oh, wow…’ the guy who had spoken before remarked, winking at the others.

‘You didn’t tell us you were seeing anyone, Wilde,’ the girl smiled, making sure I heard her. ‘You never mentioned it, not once…’

She glanced at me as if she was expecting me to be upset, but my face was clear and serene.

I didn’t need to know why he hadn’t said anything. Rigel was reserved, closed and introverted. He definitely wasn’t the sort to tell others about himself. I knew what he was like, and I didn’t suspect him of anything.

What we shared was indestructible. It went beyond our souls and was stronger than any words.

She, however, interpreted my silence as a victory. I saw the satisfaction on her face when I just smiled before looking up at Rigel.

‘I just wanted to tell you that the drinks have arrived,’ I told him softly, intending to give him space. ‘I got you a porter.’ Then I turned back to the others and smiled at them kindly. ‘It’s been a pleasure. Have a lovely evening.’

They also said goodbye, and that they hoped to see me again, but the girl stayed silent, biting the inside of her cheek with a hint of irony. She shot me a contemptuous look, then looked hungrily up at Rigel, which was the last thing I saw before turning away.

I made to leave, but suddenly had second thoughts and turned back around. Determined, I grabbed Rigel’s face and pushed my lips against his.

I clung to him, overwhelmed him with a breathtaking kiss, plunging my fingers into his hair. I kissed him so passionately that I surprised even myself. I took his mouth, his strength, his heart, everything, and eventually, I pulled away with a sonorous smack, leaving his lips red and swollen.

There was total silence.

They stared at me, stunned, some of them with their eyebrows raised, some with silent approval on their faces, but I didn’t turn around.

Immobile in my arms, Rigel looked at me, his eyes slightly widened with shock and his hair dishevelled. It was such an unusual and adorable expression that I smiled at him sweetly.

‘I’ll see you at our table.’

I planted another, softer kiss on his lips and walked away, completely at ease, feeling his passionate gaze and the girl’s baffled glare on me as I left.

When he came back to us, sitting in the same seats as before, I sensed a subtle vibration about him that no one else seemed to notice. I got confirmation of it only later, in the street, when we left the others to get to the party.

‘What was that about?’ he whispered insinuatingly in my ear, sliding his arm confidently around my shoulders.

I noticed his mocking tone of voice and glanced quickly up at him.

‘Don’t tell me you didn’t like it…’ I murmured, too embarrassed to look at him.

Rigel bit his lip, and a rare burst of low, gruff laughter burst from his chest, vibrating in my bones. I looked at him, a little bewildered and blushing, and suddenly my chest swelled with a burning love.

I should have been used to seeing him smile and being himself, but I wasn’t. It was almost…strange to see him like this, lit up by bright colours. It was strange, but not unpleasant. No, it was strange and beautiful, wonderful and stunning, breathtaking. A strangeness that bewitched your heart and soul, like a flash of lightning in the dark.

That was what Rigel was like, for me.

My light in the darkness.

A flash of a tempest, shining brighter than the sun.

‘Touché…’ he drawled, his smile still gleaming on his teeth.

My soul drenched in his laughter, I huddled in and leant my head back, chortling gently against his arm.

There was always something unique and special in our normality.

And that…that would never change.

—

‘Congratulations!’ I burst out, hugging Adeline tightly.

She looked radiant in her pastel-coloured dress, and even before I saw her face I could tell her cheeks were flushed. She pulled away and smiled at me with bright eyes and two pearl earrings framing her rosy cheeks. I thought she looked incredible. Carl, beside her, greeted me, his ears red with emotion.

‘His parents are here too,’ Adeline told me, indicating Carl’s family amongst friends and loyal clients of the shop. She insisted that I meet them, and introduced me to them with the sort of soft pride reserved for family members.

I said hello to Dalma and George, who were holding glasses of champagne. Asia was with them too. I stopped and gave her a hesitant smile charged with a thousand meanings. She tilted her head and gave me a deep smile back, upon which, maybe, one day, we would be able to build many things.

I would never forget what she had done for me several days ago, at the trial.

The doorbell suddenly rang. Guests were still arriving. I looked up at Rigel and told him that I’d go to greet them. He nodded, and Asia’s parents approached to say hello to him and have a little chat. I left them and went to open the door.

A girl with an impish face and her hands on her hips appeared before me.

‘Is the party here?’

‘Sarah!’ I smiled, and she lifted a hand to her face, looking at me excitedly.

‘What a lovely neighbourhood, Nica, it’s adorable! All these flowers, the picket fence…’

‘Are you going to get out the way?’ someone grumbled behind her.

Miki barged past her, giving her a grouchy look. I admired the angular, attractive face of the woman she had become.

Her long black hair rippled down her back, and there was still chewing gum in her lovely, full mouth. She was wearing tight black pants, a pair of platform combat boots and a pale, baggy sweater that hid her figure. Miki had always had generous curves, but she had never shown them off. She always felt more at ease in soft, comfortable clothes, and even though she had matured over time, her style hadn’t changed.

‘I’m happy you’re here,’ I greeted her happily, but she shot me a look that was far from conciliatory and turned to take her jacket off. I looked at her, somewhat alarmed, and moved towards Sarah.

‘What happened? Why is she in a bad mood?’

‘What do you think happened? As we were filling up the car some moron whistled at her…you know how she takes that sort of thing…’

Miki glowered at her.

‘You could at least have not joined in,’ she snapped. Sarah snickered.

‘We were just showing our appreciation…’

At that moment – luckily – someone else knocked at the door. I opened, and was suddenly blinded by a powerful flash.

‘Bam!’ Billie burst out, ecstatic. ‘Ah, that’s a really nice one…I’ll call it The Panther’s Assault…’ She looked at Miki’s heavily made-up eyes caught on screen and nodded approvingly. Then she looked up, smiling gleefully. ‘Hi!’

Ever since she had got her hair cut, her blonde curls were all over the place, but I thought the cut flattered her. It suited her bubbly personality.

‘You’ve come at just the right time!’ I greeted her, letting her in. ‘Norman’s pouring the champagne.’

Behind her, a very tall, slightly gangly boy stepped forward timidly. He immediately took his cap off, as if he was entering a church.

‘Hi, Nica…thanks for inviting me. I’ve…I’ve brought this bottle of wine…’

‘Vince!’ Sarah burst out, smiling, spreading her arms out wide as though her team had just won.

‘Oh, hi, Sarah…’

‘What are these muscles? Incredible! Look at this!’ She whistled, touching his skinny arms, and Vincent blushed, flattered.

‘Well…Yeah, you know, I’ve started working out and…Oh, hi, Miki,’ he stammered quickly.

Miki responded in her usual manner, without looking at him, and Vincent wrung his cap in his hands, stealing glances at her.

He was trying as hard as he could to win a crumb of approval from her, but he didn’t seem to be having much success. But Vincent was so shy and awkward it was impossible not to like him, and I was sure that Miki too, under that hard outer layer, knew this very well.

‘Come on in,’ I invited them. ‘Anna’s just got the appetisers out the oven…’

I knew that the party was for Adeline, but I had taken the liberty of inviting my friends too. I adored surrounding myself with the people I loved. It made me feel like I was in a warm, pleasant and enveloping bubble. I wished they could always be here, at home, maybe because I had had nothing of my own as a child, and so I had grown up believing that happiness was to be shared.

Sarah wasn’t drinking, but Vincent soon returned holding two champagne flutes. He held one out to Billie, who smiled sweetly under her mass of curls.

‘Thanks, honey.’

I thought the other one was for him, but instead he held it out for Miki. She stared at it, unwavering.

‘I don’t like champagne,’ she muttered, looking away.

‘I know…’ Vincent replied awkwardly. ‘I got you some white wine…I know it’s your favourite…’

Miki looked up at him. Behind her back, Sarah gave him an enthusiastic chef’s kiss and a triumphant thumbs up.

Billie was watching her best friend slightly apprehensively. She sighed in relief as Miki decided to take the glass that Vincent was holding out for her.

She held it to her chest with a surly expression, not knowing how to respond to someone being nice to her. She met Billie’s hopeful eyes and muttered, ‘Thanks.’

Vincent blushed and took a step backwards. Then he realised his hands were empty and bumbled off to go and get more drinks.

‘I adore him,’ Sarah said, as he bumped into Norman, one more awkward than the other.

Billie’s eyes softened in gratitude. Those words brought her comfort; they were all she wanted to hear.

A little later, when the party was in full swing, I saw Vincent gesticulating in the middle of an animated conversation.

Rigel, next to him, had his arms crossed over his chest, a glass of champagne in one hand and his face slightly lowered, in shadow. Under his sharp eyebrows, his eyes were looking off to one side. He was visibly suspicious about how familiar Vincent was being, but at the same time he was sufficiently contained that Vincent didn’t notice.

I tried in vain to hide a smile.

Vincent loved space, cosmology and quantum theory, and he seemed to hold Rigel in very high regard. Even though Rigel’s silences and wary glares made Miki seem like a charmer, Vincent seemed pleased to see him.

And, even though they were so different, Rigel tried to be…nice to him. Or at least civil.

At that moment, I noticed that a little distance away, Anna was watching him. In her slightly sad gaze, there was a fondness that Rigel would never be able to reciprocate.

‘I can’t…form attachments,’ he had whispered to me once.

We had been taking a walk after dinner with Anna and Norman, and that flat admission had broken the silence. I had immediately known what he was referring to, because his tone of voice changed when he was speaking from the heart.

I had looked up at him, his hands in his jacket pockets, his black hair mingling with the night. It was always too direct for him, in moments like those, to look me in the eyes.

He couldn’t grow fond of them.

He couldn’t grow fond of anyone. That was the truth.

His abandonment issues and the psychological burden of his illness had left him, since childhood, seriously emotionally insecure.

And his relationship with the matron had only made things worse. As a child, Rigel had had a desperate need for affection, but getting it from a woman like her had pushed him to refuse the only form of love he had ever received. Margaret was a monster, and he knew it.

That had led him to reject affection, to grow up without attachments, to push them away. Solitude, frustration and a lack of reference points for a normal relationship had seriously undermined his ability to form emotional attachments.

It wasn’t his fault. He had protected himself as if from an illness, producing the antibodies that would stop him getting sick.

In that dark street, I had accepted his silence and taken him by the hand. I couldn’t tell him how much Anna and Norman really loved him. Deep down, I was sure that the boy he once was long ago would have wanted to reciprocate their love.

The doorbell rang again.

I put down my glass and headed straight to the door, but before I could get there Klaus wriggled between my legs. He stopped and glared at me indignantly, put out by having all these people in the house. I picked him up and kissed his head, scratching behind his ears as he liked, and smiled as purrs escaped from him. I stroked him gently then put him on the first step of the stairs. He looked at me resentfully, probably offended I hadn’t kept fussing him as he deserved.

‘Coming…’ I said as I opened the door.

I froze.

The past reappeared under my eyes, momentarily tearing me from the present.

The boy before me turned around. As soon as I looked him in the face, I felt my heart disappear. Time stopped.

‘…Peter?’ I whispered feebly.

He stared at me. I remembered those eyes perfectly.

‘Nica…’

I felt my heart swell. I couldn’t breathe. Without thinking, incredulous, I stretched my arms forward and hugged him. His red hair brushed my cheek.

I was too overcome by intense emotion to immediately notice that Peter was stiff and trembling.

I remembered him as a skinny child with persistent dark circles under his eyes, who always cried more than everyone else and hid behind whoever he could. He had never known how to defend himself against cruelty. A gentle soul like his didn’t even have the strength to protect itself.

‘I can’t…I can’t believe it…’ I gasped, pulling away from him. I felt my eyes brimming. It was only then that I noticed how drastically pale he was and the tense nerves in his neck. It took me a moment to realise that it was me who had caused that reaction.

‘Yeah…’ Peter tried to smile, but the corner of his mouth twitched strangely. His lips seemed to be constantly tingling. My heart faded into confusion, and then it dawned on me: I had scared him.

I had overlooked something fundamental. Peter was like me. But much more so.

He too had stopped growing.

Adeline had told me, long ago, he had never gotten over what happened.

‘Adeline invited me,’ he swallowed. I saw that, slowly, he was calming down. ‘She knew I was here…for the trial. I saw you, that day,’ he confessed. ‘I saw both of you. I was there too. I listened to what you said in the witness box, Nica. I wanted to say hello but I couldn’t find you afterwards.’

I had run away, that was why.

I gave him a shaky smile that I hoped conveyed everything.

‘If I’d have known you were there, I would have found the strength to stay.’

Peter’s eyes convulsively flicked to one side for a fraction of a second, and I sensed this was his way of showing unease and embarrassment.

‘It was very brave,’ I said more softly. ‘What you did. Without you…she would never have been convicted.’

Margaret would not torment us any longer. With the various testimonies, the overwhelming evidence and the medical reports of the lasting psychological damage she had caused, the court had not only found her guilty, but had also given her a sentence that meant she would never be able to harm anyone else.

She would not infest our future.

Only our past.

I wondered what she had thought, when she found out that it had been Peter who had triggered it all. The only one who had never been strong enough to react, the only one who was always too little and terrified of her to do anything.

‘Come in,’ I invited him warmly, moving aside to let him pass. I stayed an acceptable distance from him, and hoped he would understand that I would not invade his personal space without consent again.

Peter came in warily, and I let him take his own jacket off. It was strange to see him there, in my present. The first thing I thought was that I wanted to introduce him to Anna and Norman.

I settled him down on the couch, and asked if I could bring him anything to drink, but he declined. I noticed he had a little twitch on his left eyelid and he kept looking around nervously.

He still had the same carrot-coloured hair, the same pale blue eyes above his long nose. His face was more freckles than anything else, and although he was now a young man, his skinny build had not changed at all. He still seemed small, fragile and scared. Like a little boy.

‘So…is this your home?’

‘Yes,’ I replied softly, slowly sitting down near him. ‘I met the Milligans when I was seventeen. They came to The Grave…They’re very lovely people. I’d like to introduce you to them, if you’d like.’

I didn’t want to be too much. He had just got here, and I didn’t know how comfortable he was with strangers. Maybe Adeline hadn’t told him there would be so many people. His gaze kept darting around, as if he wanted to have a pair of eyes on everyone in the room.

‘I know you were adopted when you were moved to Saint Joseph.’ I tried to meet his eyes, tucking a strand of hair behind my ears, and he nodded. Peter had left at the same time as Adeline. He, however, hadn’t stayed in the new institute for long.

‘The Clays,’ he announced, showing me a photo of a happy, smiling couple with dark skin on his phone. In the photo, Peter looked peaceful with his arms around their son, a young boy whose fingers were held up in a V sign.

Seeing me smile, he seemed to relax a little.

‘They came when I was thirteen,’ he explained. ‘That day…well, I tripped over the carpet. I wanted to make a good impression, but instead I broke a plant in the hall. Straight away, they decided they wanted to get to know me. They thought I was…nice, I think.’

I laughed, bringing my hand to my mouth, and Peter gave a slight smile. He told me about them, about school, about how it had felt to leave the institute to be welcomed by a family. I related strongly to what he was saying, and was happy to learn a little more about what had become of his life.

Suddenly, however, Peter froze. His face turned to stone, and his eyes hardened with shock. I stared, confused at that unexpected shift, and instinctively turned around to see where he was looking.

My heart plunged when I realised.

Rigel.

He had seen Rigel, on the other side of the room.

Adeline was talking to him animatedly, and even though his pale lips were sealed in their usual hermetic expression, his black eyes were paying attention to her. She smiled and gave him a playful nudge. He said something that made her burst into bright laughter.

‘Him…’ Peter gasped, his voice unrecognisable. ‘What’s…he…doing here…’

‘It’s not what you think, Peter,’ I hurried to say.

I remembered the role Rigel played in our childhood memories. The violent and cruel monster who Peter himself had warned me against.

‘There are things you don’t know,’ I continued gently. ‘Rigel…never had anything to do with the matron. Believe me.’

Maybe if he had seen him at Margaret’s trial things would be different, but Rigel hadn’t been there that day.

‘I should have known that sooner or later I’d see him again. Look at him,’ he spat out bitterly. In Peter’s eyes, Rigel was an impeccable, shining young man, while he would always carry the signs of that abuse. ‘He hasn’t changed at all.’

‘He’s not the person you think he is,’ I declared, somewhat sourly.

His body was tense, the twitch in his eyelid indicating he was getting increasingly stressed. I wanted to take his hand, but I knew that wasn’t a good idea.

‘Peter,’ I whispered. ‘Rigel is very different from the boy you imagined…’

‘Are you defending him?’ His incredulous eyes slid into mine. ‘After everything he did to you?’

He looked at me as if I was an alien. Suddenly, something murky and venomous darkened his face.

‘Of course. After all, he’s always been good at that. At manipulating people…That must be why Adeline invited him. Even after all this time…’

There was a hint of jealousy in his eyes as he looked at them again. I sensed he was repressing some feelings towards Adeline.

And yet, even though I knew that Peter had always disliked Rigel, he seemed more jealous of him than of Carl.

‘You’re wrong,’ I said, softly and sincerely. ‘Adeline loves him. She cares about him…like a brother.’

‘Oh, but that didn’t stop him screwing her,’ he hissed acidly.

I stopped breathing.

I stared at Peter, unable to move, as if my heart had stopped.

‘What?’

‘What’s wrong? Didn’t you know?’

I stared at him, frozen, and instinctively my gaze was drawn to Adeline. I saw her there, smiling, happy, madly in love with her fiancé. Peter’s words gnawed at my brain.

‘I shared a room with him,’ Peter reminded me. ‘I know what I’m talking about. I used to have to get up and leave when she came over…Every damned time…She didn’t see anything but him. Always and only him. As if he didn’t already have everyone else’s attention…’

He glared daggers at Rigel, full of hate. ‘I’m not surprised he’s here, he probably wants to remind her of the effect he had on her. Or that he still has…’

‘Rigel’s here with me,’ I burst out, almost automatically. My brain was scrambled, there was a strange feeling in my chest, but those words still found their way out of my mouth. ‘We…we’re together.’

Peter looked as if I had just told him something abominable, abhorrent. Dismay created a strange contrast on his face – he had the eyes of a child, but the incredulous fury of an adult.

‘You’re…together?’ he repeated, as if I had gone mad. ‘You are going out with him? Have you forgotten how he treated you? He hated you, Nica!’

‘He didn’t hate me, Peter,’ I whispered. Even though Rigel was a tale others could not understand, Peter was a part of our past, and I felt the need to change his mind. ‘Quite the contrary…’

‘Of course,’ he burst out sarcastically. ‘He was in love with you but repeatedly fucked another girl.’

I jumped. Those words struck me right in the heart, like a well-placed kick. I fell silent, and Peter shook his head, now with a hint of pity.

‘You were always too naïve, Nica.’

Something deep inside my chest stirred, burned, became persistent, and I couldn’t stop my eyes from looking at Rigel.

His obsidian gaze cut through the room. Adeline was no longer next to him. Instead, his attention was completely devoted to the boy sitting on the couch next to me. He stared at Peter with immobile eyes, with the same glimmer of recognition that I had had when I had seen him standing in the doorway.

After a moment, his gaze met mine.

In that moment, the thought that he and Adeline had touched each other, been together as we had, eroded me from the inside.

I now understood the kiss she had given him when she came back, years ago. She and Rigel had already shared many kisses.

The thought of it twisted my stomach. I got up, looking away, and made my excuses to Peter before leaving the room.

I knew now that I wouldn’t be able to make him change his mind: he was too steadfast in his beliefs, in his past, to be able to re-evaluate everything. His mind would not be changed, and my need to get away from there was too strong. The image of Adeline was stuck in my mind, and despite how I was feeling, I didn’t want to ruin her moment.

I walked down the hallway and into the room at the end. My hair brushed against my cheekbones as I came to a stop in the middle of the room, far away from the noise and people’s looks.

I heard someone close the door behind me, and turned around, certain I already knew who it was.

‘Were you and Adeline together?’ I demanded, unable to hold back, as if those words had burnt my lips.

Rigel gave me a long look, his face lowered, a cautious expression darkening his gaze.

‘Is that what Peter told you?’

‘Answer me, Rigel.’

Silence was the only response I got. And I had learnt to interpret the absence of words much better than their presence.

I looked away, disheartened, and then turned back towards him.

‘When were you thinking of telling me?’

‘What did you want to hear, exactly?’

‘Don’t change the subject. You know how important you both are to me. The idea of the two of you…’ I tried to find the right words, but bitterness closed my throat.

It shouldn’t have mattered. It happened before Rigel and I discovered that we belonged together, what did it have to do with the two of us? Nothing.

And yet the thought gnawed at my insecurities, gave me no peace.

Adeline had told me that it was him who held my hand when Margaret punished me, that it had been him who had protected me every time, that his behaviour had always been motivated by something unique and profound, from the beginning. But now, those words seemed hollow, distant.

Had she been lying?

‘That’s why you were always so tense when I tried to speak to you about the past. You were scared I’d find out.’

I had to be rational, but the idea that they had kept me in the dark tormented me. The fear that there was something between them had overwhelmed me too often, I had tried to remember how their relationship had started too often. But only because they had not been honest with me.

Why did they always have to put me to one side, protect me, make decisions for me?

Could they not have told me the truth?

‘It happened a long time ago,’ Rigel replied thunderously, as if those words were costing him something. ‘No, I didn’t want you to find out. What choice did I have?’

‘You chose to not tell me,’ I replied quietly. He scowled, hearing the bitterness in my voice. He took a step towards me, frustration in his eyes.

‘Is that how it is? Peter turns up and we sink back down to where we started?’

‘Leave Peter out of it,’ I whispered categorically. ‘He’s the only one who’s been honest with me.’

‘Peter knows nothing,’ he snarled angrily, towering over me. ‘After all this time, it’s him who you’re choosing to believe?’

‘That’s not the point…’

‘And yet it’s enough for you to lose trust in me!’

‘I’d trust you with my life!’ I raised my voice, my eyes open wide in a defenceless, fragile expression. ‘Don’t you get it? I trust you as I trust myself – you’re the one who chose to keep quiet about something like this. You know what you and Adeline mean for me…You know I think of her like a sister…How many other things haven’t you told me?’

I was maybe overreacting. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. But the fact that they had decided to hide this from me gave me an ill-defined feeling of disillusionment.

Maybe, some other girl in my shoes would have preferred not to know.

Maybe, some other girl would have preferred to stay in the dark, happy and oblivious.

But not me.

I was an open book with Rigel. I trusted him more than anyone else, but I needed him to trust me too. I needed him to tell me things, rather than keep them from me out of fear of losing me.

He wouldn’t lose me, I just wanted the truth. Did he really think that I would leave him for something that happened years ago?

I sighed gently and shook my head. I lowered my arms slowly, looking at him sadly.

‘You can tell me anything,’ I whispered faintly. ‘And it hurts me when you choose not to. If you don’t want to talk about Adeline, then I’ll never know what there was between you. Fine…’ I whispered, in spite of my feelings. ‘But sometimes I just want you…to let me understand how you’re feeling. I know you, Rigel, but I can’t read your thoughts.’

I wrapped my arms tight around myself, looking down, letting the most delicate part of my heart speak. ‘You can…trust me,’ I said sincerely. ‘You don’t have to be scared of hurting me. And if you don’t want to talk about this…If…if you don’t want to talk about Adeline…then I won’t ask you about it. Whatever there was between you, if you can’t tell me…I accept it.’ I swallowed quietly. ‘I won’t doubt you…But I wish you’d have done the same. That you felt free to talk to me…to be honest with me. I’m hopelessly in love with you,’ I admitted, subdued. ‘And that won’t ever change.’

I looked up, surrendering completely. My attempts to smile were counteracted by the bitterness in my gaze. I looked away and sighed gently.

‘Let’s go back,’ I murmured, moving past him.

I got to the door and opened it, ready to go back and chat at the party, ready to go back to a reality that was proceeding without us. But I couldn’t do it.

A hand landed on the door and closed it firmly shut.

I could feel Rigel’s breath on my neck, his warm chest pressing against my back.

I didn’t move when I felt his solid body against mine. I stayed still, trapped in his heat. He was my end and my beginning.

I would always remember the silence of that moment.

‘I’ve loved you since I was five years old.’

Rigel’s voice was a hoarse, barely audible whisper. His lips gently brushed against my ear, as if those words were an unspeakable secret. I wasn’t breathing.

‘I tried to stop it as hard as I could,’ he continued, the words pouring out of his mouth. ‘But you didn’t give me any choice. You broke through everything. You took everything from me, and I hated you for that. I was with her, because I looked for you in everyone else…but no one ever had enough freckles, no one ever had your hair or eyes that were pale enough.’

There was another pause. His body was still close against mine, his hot breath against my neck. I sensed how difficult it was for him to say this.

‘I never knew how to love,’ he confessed, embittered and defeated. ‘I can’t take care of people, I can’t be nice. I don’t believe in emotions, because I’m not capable of forming attachments…But if love exists, then it has your eyes, your voice and your damn Band-Aids on its fingers.’

He lifted my hand.

He took from his pocket one of the Band-Aids that I had left at his apartment, opened it and then put it around my finger.

Like a ring.

‘This is all I’ve got to give you. And if one day you’ll marry me, Nica…everyone will see that you’re mine, that you have been, silently, since the beginning.’

My eyes opened wide. Boiling tears trembled on my eyelids, flooding my vision. I couldn’t believe what I had heard, I couldn’t believe he had really said that. My chest was pounding as if someone had just inflicted a brutal wound.

Slowly, trembling, I turned towards him. Rigel met my eyes, and held my gaze with everything he had.

‘You have the eyes of the Tearsmith, for me,’ he murmured. ‘And you always will.’

A hot, violent wave crashed into my chest. Boundless feelings exploded out of me, burning everywhere, flooding my soul with a light that no one else would be able to give me.

Tears ran down my face. He touched my cheek, stroking it slowly, and I didn’t see the wolf, but something else.

He was the boy who had seen me for the first time, on the threshold to The Grave.

His was the hand that had found the courage to hold mine in the cellar.

Those were the arms that had lifted me, protected me.

The face that had taken a slap for me.

The heart he had never had the courage to give me.

But that, with everything, screamed my name.

He held it out to me, his hands covered in scratches. Even though he had never known how to love with tenderness, he was showing me the most fragile and vulnerable part of himself.

For the first time in his entire life, Rigel confessed the words I had unconsciously been wanting to hear for years.

That I had been waiting for, hoping for, loving in secret.

And, even if I never heard them again, even if he stayed the boy who only spoke with his eyes, my heart would always, forever, be full of that love.

Because it was not true that we were a disaster. No.

We were a masterpiece.

The most beautiful and spectacular of all.

I put my hand on his and smiled. I smiled at him with all my heart, my soul, my tears and that Band-Aid around my finger.

I smiled at him like the woman I was, and the little girl I always would be.

And he smiled back, with all the deepness of his eyes.

Those eyes that I would always be madly in love with.

I threw myself into his arms, plunging into his embrace like never before. I clung to him with every shred of myself, and Rigel bent over me, holding me as if I was the smallest, most fragile and precious thing in the world. He lifted me in his arms and I latched myself to his heart like a butterfly.

I leant my forehead against his and kissed him, again and again and again, and each kiss was a smile, each kiss was a tear that would unite us forever.

And on the brink of our finale, I understood that if there was a moral to this story…it was us.

Yes, us.

Because our souls shone with the force of a thousand suns.

And just like thousand-year-old constellations, our story was written there.

In that infinite sky.

Amid hurricanes of misfortune, and clouds of stardust.

Eternal, indestructible.

Beyond all measure.