The Tearsmith: A Novel

There are three invisible things,

with an extraordinary power:

music, fragrance, and love.

The June sun was shining in the sky.

The air was warm and light, like touching a petal.

In the school yard, among the happy chatter of hundreds of voices, crowds of families and students were celebrating.

It was graduation day.

Proud grandparents hugged their grandchildren, while parents took photos for posterity and a light, pleasant music played through the loudspeakers, providing a backing track for every word.

It was one of those days that seemed impossible to forget. There was something magical, different and special in the air, that would lodge in your memory forever.

‘Smile!’

A flash lit up our smiles. Anna had a hand on my arm and Norman had his arm around my shoulders as I held my certificate, delighted. My graduation robe brushed against my ankles and the mortarboard on my head looked more funny than serious.

‘That one’s come out really well!’ Billie exclaimed, victorious, and the golden tassel on her cap swung in the air.

‘You really are an expert photographer,’ Norman remarked, shy and smiling, maybe because she had already taken so many shots of us.

She grew even more excited. ‘We should take one of us all together!’ she said exuberantly. ‘I want to hang it up in the hall at home!’

She gave us the happiest smile I had ever seen. Her eyes were shining like jewels. She turned and ran to where Miki and her parents were standing with two other adults.

Billie’s mom and dad were laughing animatedly, and stuck out in the crowd like a pair of multicoloured exotic birds. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and she had a head of curls and a pair of extremely showy earrings, a gift from an Amazonian tribe. When Billie had introduced me to them, they had taken my hand in both of theirs and looked at me with the same fervent enthusiasm that I had seen so many times in the eyes of my friend.

I really liked them.

I knew how important it was to Billie that they were there to see her graduate. But seeing how much they doted on her, I knew they wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

They were in the middle of telling some lively story, that from their gestures seemed to be something to do with a monkey chase. Miki’s parents, as impeccable and composed as royals, were listening with subtle smiles, their hands lightly placed on their daughter’s shoulders.

It was all going well.

There was light in my life.

This was a day of immense happiness for me, a moment of pure joy. For a fraction of a moment, my thoughts went to mom and dad.

I wished they were there…

I wished they could see me.

In my most treasured memory, I was walking behind them, stopping to look at everything. Dad was the most hazy of the two of them, an outline blurred by time, but I remembered Mom like a light you can’t forget.

I lingered behind, ever curious about the world, and she, enveloped in light, always turned around to find me. She looked towards me, smiling, holding a hand out towards me through the sunbeams.

‘Nica?’ was all she said. Her voice was the sweetest sound in the world. ‘Come.’

Someone touched my face.

Norman was carefully rearranging the tassel on my cap. I met his eyes, and he gave me a little smile. His thoughtfulness soothed my heart.

‘They’ve arrived!’

A chorus of excited voices rose around us. Some people turned around to look. Several pairs of girls and boys were advancing across the lawn with large baskets dangling from their arms.

‘What’s happening?’ Anna asked, trying to see.

‘It’s for the graduates,’ I replied, my face breaking into a smile. ‘I didn’t think they would, but…’

I knew that previous years they had prepared a small play, but this year was different. The same committee who organised Garden Day had thought of something that could be both funny and celebratory.

Everyone’s mortarboards were replaced by flower crowns: white lilies for the girls, and, for the boys, wreaths of forest green leaves adorned with small, midnight-coloured berries.

It was certainly an unusual choice – maybe even a strange one – but it brought a smile to people’s faces to see all those young students walking around proudly with buds and berries on their heads.

Anna brought a hand to her heart and laughed.

Before I could move, someone took off my mortarboard and replaced it with a flower crown. I turned around to see Billie giggling happily and then turned towards Miki, who blew on a lock of black hair that had slipped from under her lily crown. She glowered at Billie, grabbed a wreath from a basket and brandished it like a blunt weapon.

‘If I catch you…’ she threatened.

There was no point trying to intervene. I watched them as Miki ran after her and shoved the flower crown on her head as if trying to knock her out.

I looked happily at Anna and Norman, then, ecstatic, grabbed a wreath for boys and set off. I moved through the teeming crowd of happy faces, as the fragrance of the flowers started to diffuse through the air. I stopped when I found who I was looking for. A short distance away, a beguiling young man was speaking with the principal.

Rigel’s gown was hanging open, he was wearing elegant pants, his mortarboard was under his arm and his hands were in his pockets.

I cautiously approached, not wanting to interrupt an important conversation, but at that moment, they started to walk off. I decided to run after them.

I stopped behind him and drew his attention by clearing my throat.

Rigel turned around. His eyes fell on me, but when he saw my mischievous expression, there was a hint of discomfort in his voice.

‘Not more photos…’

In reply, I gleefully showed him the wreath. His gaze fell to it and he arched an eyebrow.

‘You’re joking,’ he said flatly, but I sensed a note of uncertainty in his tone, as if over time he had learnt when I was being serious.

‘You fancy putting it on?’ I asked.

‘I’d happily give it a miss,’ he joked dryly, adorable even when he was being a party pooper.

‘Come on,’ I urged him, coming closer and smiling. ‘Everyone else is…’

‘No…’

I interrupted him with a little jump, reaching up and sliding it onto his head. A couple of berries fell and bounced off his chest. Rigel blinked, stiffly, as if he couldn’t believe I’d just put a flower crown on his head.

Before he could react, however, I took his chin in my hand and stood up on my tiptoes to kiss his jaw.

He scowled, and I smiled at him angelically.

‘It suits you.’ I rocked back and forth gently, found his hand and interlaced my fingers with his. Rigel sensed that I was trying to calm him down, and my heart leapt when I thought I saw the corners of his lips curling upwards.

You can smile, I wanted to tell him, my heart racing. You can smile. For real, nothing will happen…

‘You don’t say.’

He slowly brought our clasped hands behind my back. He slotted me to him, his eyes staring at me from under his eyelashes.

That wreath really did look good on him. He looked like a prince of the forest.

‘Satisfied?’ he murmured.

I nodded, radiant, and a lily petal fell over my eyes. He looked at my face as I touched his cheek with my free hand.

‘I dreamt of this day.’ My eyes rose languidly to his face. ‘I dreamt of seeing you here. Of seeing you graduate with me.’

The sweetness of my voice made his gaze deepen. He knew I was referring to when I thought I’d lost him. He was silent, letting me touch him, and he looked down at my lips.

‘What happens now?’

‘Whatever we want,’ I replied softly, because I wasn’t scared any more. ‘This is just the start.’

I closed my eyes, relishing his closeness, and nestled my head into his neck. I let myself be enveloped by his warmth and wanted him to feel the joy my heart was trembling with.

I was full of life and I was happy. Happy to see him there, with that crown on his head, happy to be with him at the beginning of a wonderful new journey.

I was ready.

‘Hey!’

Billie was waving her camera about.

‘We should take a photo all together!’

Luckily, she was too far away to hear Rigel’s less-than-kind comment. The others joined us, and after a countless number of photographs, we continued with the celebrations.

—

By the end of the day, the yard was strewn with petals and berries. I said goodbye to Rigel when he had to go, probably to continue the conversation with the principal, and it was just us left in the yard.

It had been an unforgettable day.

I felt someone touch my hair.

It was Anna. She carefully tidied a lily on my forehead and looked at me sweetly.

‘I’m so proud of you,’ she said, with a tenderness that I engraved in my memory. Those heartfelt, sincere words had me pinned under her gaze.

There was something I wanted to ask her. It had actually been a while that I’d wanted to, but I hadn’t found the courage. In that moment, facing her, I realised I couldn’t wait any longer.

‘Anna,’ I breathed. ‘I’d like to go and visit Alan.’

My voice was soft but determined. I felt her hand pause in my hair.

‘I wanted to ask you before,’ I admitted, choosing my words carefully. ‘But it never seemed like the right moment. I didn’t even know whether it was right to ask you. But I’d like to…I’d really like to.’ I looked at her with sweet, clear eyes, holding her gaze. ‘Do you think we could visit him?’

There was an emotion on her face that I had never seen before.

I had always been scared of being intrusive, inappropriate and indelicate. I had always been afraid of being too much, because affection was a gift that I had always longed for from afar.

Only with time had I learnt that you cannot be overbearing in love. In love, there is only sharing, and reciprocity.

Anna tilted her face, and in her gaze, I saw a reply that had no need for words.

—

We went straight there that afternoon.

I was still wearing the lily crown.

It was late, and the marble headstones were bathed in the light of the sunset. There wasn’t anybody else in the cemetery, and a sense of stillness hovered over the epitaphs, mingling with the warm fragrance of early summer.

Alan was at the end, in the shade of a birch tree.

When we reached him, I noticed that someone had left flowers. They were fresh and full. They can’t have been there for longer than a day.

‘Asia,’ Anna murmured with a bittersweet smile.

There was no moss at all on the headstone. She must have come by often to check that it was always clean and cared for.

Norman knelt down and left a bunch of blue flowers on the grass in front of the headstone. He took a very long time arranging the paper, making sure there were no creases, that it was perfect, every fold and every corner.

When he stood back up, Anna came nearer and touched his shoulder. She leant her head against his while I looked at Alan’s grave. The wind was the only sound around us.

I wanted to tell him so many things.

To talk about me, about him, the person he had been. To tell him that, even though I had never heard the sound of his voice, in a strange, vague and impossible way, I felt close to him.

I wanted to fill that silence, to give him something in exchange, something that I couldn’t express, because my presence was only due to his absence.

I wanted to find a way to speak to him with my heart, but as Anna and Norman turned around, silence enveloped me as I stood there before him.

I heard them walk away slowly, their shoes resounding against the cobblestones.

I didn’t move. I carried on looking at the words inscribed in marble, unable to see anything else.

Slowly, I raised my hands and lifted the flower crown off my head. I knelt down before him and placed it beneath his name, holding it for a moment in my hands, covered in Band-Aids.

‘I’ll take care of them,’ I whispered, letting my heart speak. ‘I will try to live up to two such extraordinary people. I promise.’

The breeze carried the fragrance of nearby flowers.

I got up, my hair fluttering around my head. My promise lodged itself into the depths of my soul. I wanted to keep it with everything I had, every day, as long as I could.

Forever.

‘Nica?’ I heard.

I turned. Everything was bathed in warm sunbeams. Norman and Anna were there waiting on the path for me. She smiled, surrounded by light. Then she held out her hand.

And, in the depths of my heart, I heard the sweetest voice in the world calling:

‘Come.’