The Tearsmith: A Novel

I love you as only the stars can love:

From a distance, in silence, without ever going out.

I didn’t have bad dreams that night.

No cellars.

No belts.

No spiral staircases into the darkness.

The whole night…I thought I could feel someone watching me. When my nightmares came knocking, I thought I heard a whimper escaping from my lips, but the next moment…they would vanish. Something enveloped me, sending them away, and my limbs sunk into oblivion, cradled by a reassuring warmth.

—

I opened my eyes, slightly fuzzy-headed.

I didn’t know what time it was. Outside the window, the sky still held the faint darkness of night. It must have been a few hours before daybreak.

Gradually, my eyes focused. I realised that my pelvis hurt, and the muscles in my leg felt slightly stiff. I moved my thighs under the covers, and couldn’t help but notice the gentle burning coming from below.

I lowered my eyes. A well-defined wrist was resting on my side. I looked at its strong, angular contours before looking up at the boy beside me.

Rigel’s other arm was folded under the pillow. His breath was light and steady. His lowered eyelashes emphasised his elegant cheekbones, and his black hair fell over his pillow like liquid silk, soft and messy. His lips were swollen and a little chapped, but still gorgeous.

I loved watching him sleep. There was a surreal beauty about him. His relaxed features made him look…enchanting and vulnerable.

I felt my heart thump in my chest.

Had it really happened?

I stretched out my hand and there was a rustling sound. I hesitated, and then cautiously touched his face, feeling its warmth under my fingertips.

He was really there.

It really all happened…

An uncontainable happiness filled my heart. I half-closed my eyes, inhaling his masculine scent, then silently slid forwards, drawing closer to him.

Sweetly, I planted my lips on his. The slow, gentle sound of that kiss reverberated through the silence. As I pulled back to look at him, I realised his eyes had opened. They shone out from under his dark lashes. I felt them on me before I could meet them, black and incredibly deep.

‘Did I wake you up?’ I whispered, wondering if I hadn’t moved tenderly enough.

His eyes remained fixed on mine, but Rigel didn’t reply. I relaxed against the pillow, enjoying the feeling of his gaze on me.

‘How are you feeling?’ he asked, looking at my body wrapped in the covers.

‘Good.’ I looked for his eyes, feeling happiness warming my cheeks. ‘Better than ever.’

The thought of Anna and Norman came to my mind, and I remembered that I’d better go back to my own room.

‘What time is it?’ I asked, but Rigel seemed to have already guessed what I was worrying about.

‘They won’t be awake for another few hours yet,’ he said, and I heard you can stay, for a little longer, with no need for him to say it.

I wanted to look into his eyes, but I was so peaceful I contented myself with the feeling of his body close to mine. Tiredness lingered on my skin but, after some time, instead of closing my eyes I whispered, earnest and heartfelt, ‘I’ve always loved your name.’

I didn’t know why I chose that moment to tell him. I had never told him this, not once. But now my soul felt connected to his like never before.

‘I know you don’t think the same way,’ I added slowly, as he looked at me again. ‘I know…what it represents for you.’

His gaze was alert now. There was a remote light shining deep in his eyes that I simply contemplated without trying to grasp.

I spoke to him softly, sincerely.

‘It’s not like you think it is. It doesn’t connect you to the matron,’ I murmured.

Rigel continued looking at my eyes and lips, lying with his hair spread out over the pillow. The intimacy of our conversation reverberated in his inscrutable gaze.

‘And what does it connect me to?’ he asked, his voice slow and hoarse, as if he didn’t really believe me.

‘Nothing.’

He looked at me without understanding, and I softened my gaze.

‘It doesn’t connect you to anything. You’re a star in the sky, Rigel, and the sky can’t enchain you.’

I stretched out a hand towards him. I brushed the skin on his shoulders and under his eyes with my fingertip…I traced a line from a mole to his clavicle, and then to the three little points of the belt below. In silence, I drew the constellation of Orion on his skin.

‘Your name isn’t a burden…it’s special. Like you, it only shines for those who know where to look. Like you, it’s silent, deep and complex as the night.’ I added an invisible trail to the three points at the bottom. ‘You ever think about that?’ I smiled. ‘I’m named after a butterfly, the most ephemeral creature in the world. But you…you’ve got the eternal name of a star. You’re rare. And people like you shine with your own light, even if you don’t know it. Rigel makes you…exactly what you are.’

My finger lingered on his chest, just above his heart. Just there, at the furthest point of the invisible constellation, where the star he was named after must be.

With a rustling of the bedsheets, I turned over and looked for my dress on the floor. I rummaged through the pockets and then turned back to him.

Rigel looked at the small purple Band-Aid I was holding. Tiredness wrapped around my limbs, but before he could understand what was happening, I unwrapped it and placed it over that point on his heart.

‘Rigel,’ I whispered, pointing at the Band-Aid, his star.

Then I took an identical one, the same colour, unwrapped it and put it over my heart.

‘Rigel,’ I concluded, pointing at my skin, then covering it with my palm, as if sealing a promise inside.

Even though sleep was slowly overcoming me, I managed to feel his hand gripping the bedsheets wrapped around my hip.

‘The stars are not alone. You are not alone,’ I smiled at him sweetly, slowly closing my eyes. ‘I’ll always…carry you with me.’

I didn’t wait for his reply.

I slipped peacefully into sleep, because I had learnt to respect his silences.

Because I had learnt that I couldn’t demand answers when I knocked on the door to his soul. I had to enter slowly, sit carefully in that crystal rose garden and wait patiently.

And the whole time, I felt his gaze lingering on me, though I didn’t understand the real meaning of it. Not until the right moment arrived would I understand it.

I slipped into the comforting warmth of his breath and fell asleep.

When I woke up, later…he was gone.

—

It was mild that afternoon.

The wind was picking up and rustling the leaves in the trees, carrying the fresh fragrance of the clouds. Taking deep breaths in, it felt as if I could rise up with the breeze and walk in the sky.

A week had passed since that morning.

My calm, measured footsteps beat on the asphalt of the sidewalk. There was no one around us; we were alone.

‘Look,’ I whispered in the breeze. My backpack gently jostled against my back as I came to a stop.

The sunset illuminated the river, making it gleam like a treasure trove of minerals. The places where they were redoing the parapet on the bridge were still surrounded by orange netting, but beyond that you could see the shadows lengthening on the leafy branches. Under the bridge, the water was glistening with bright, sparkling reflections.

A step ahead of me, Rigel’s profile stood out in the rosy light. He was looking in the direction I had indicated, his black hair dancing around his head. The light was so warm it made his eyes look even more brilliant.

Coming home from school with him was now one of the moments that I loved the most. They were not particularly special occasions, but there was a peace in the way we were not scared to be seen beside each other. We were far enough away from everyone and everything; we could put the world to one side for a moment.

‘Aren’t they beautiful? All those colours,’ I murmured as the water rushed beneath us, glistening like honey.

But I wasn’t watching the river. I was watching him.

Rigel realised. Slowly, he turned towards me.

He met my eyes, maybe because he too had come to understand something about us, that there was something in our glances that others couldn’t see. Our silences spoke words that no one else could hear, and that was where we were destined to meet each other: between things unsaid.

He waited for me to slowly come beside him, with all my usual tenderness. I stopped at what could be considered an acceptable distance. Even though there was no one around, even though the workmen had already gone, we were in public and there were limits I could not forget.

‘Rigel…is there something worrying you?’

I held his gaze, and saw something in his eyes that made me persevere.

‘You seem distant. The past few days it’s felt as though there’s something bothering you.’

No, bothering wasn’t the right word. It was something much deeper. It was something I didn’t recognise; it gave me no peace.

Rigel slowly shook his head, looking away from me. He looked into the distance, to where the river vanished into a vague ribbon between the trees.

‘I’ve never got used to it,’ he admitted in a faint voice.

‘To what?’

‘That way you have,’ he said, in an unusual tone of voice, almost surrendering, ‘of always seeing what no one else does.’

‘So there is something then?’ I looked for his eyes, sensing that my hunch was correct. ‘Something wrong?’

He was quiet. I spoke more softly. ‘It’s the psychologist…isn’t it? I saw you speaking with Anna, this morning…I remember she wanted to speak to you after the appointment that day. And the day before yesterday…you were out all afternoon.’

I gently brushed his hand, and his eyes shuddered away from the horizon to focus on that touch.

‘Rigel,’ I said softly. ‘Do you want to tell me what’s going on?’

Slowly, his eyes lifted to my face.

He looked at me in that way again. The same way he had looked that morning a week ago, like a mark that nothing could wipe away.

Suddenly, something extraordinary happened. I would never have been ready for it.

For a moment that left me confused and breathless, the defences in Rigel’s eyes all crumbled and a wave of emotions flooded out and crashed into me like a tsunami.

Remorse, desperation and an uncontainable heat burst from his eyes. I trembled, wide-eyed, assaulted by such powerful emotions that I felt my knees buckling.

My shocked heart tore open, and I took half a step backwards.

‘Rigel…’ I whispered faintly.

I was incredulous, I didn’t understand what had just happened. Before I could do anything, however, he leant over and gave me a long kiss on the corner of my mouth.

When he pulled away, I looked at him with a bewildered urgency in my eyes, confused by that storm of emotions and devastated by that reckless kiss.

What did it mean?

I was about to ask him, but the world came crashing down around me.

I glanced over Rigel’s shoulder. And I saw him.

A few metres away, someone was standing in the now howling wind, staring blankly at us.

But it wasn’t just anyone.

No.

Lionel.

My heart plummeted with a silent sob. Seeing the scream in my wide-open eyes, all Rigel could do was turn around. His eyes immediately darkened when they landed on the boy behind him.

Lionel was clutching a beautiful bunch of flowers, identical to the ones that were crowding the house. Flashing through his confused, bewildered eyes, I saw every part of what had just happened. Of the truth.

My fingers wrapped around Rigel’s. The intimacy of our breaths. The proximity of our bodies. His lips on mine.

After weeks, after all that time…all it had taken was a moment.

He realised.

And that realisation, for him, was like slipping on ice.

Lionel was looking at me in a different way, his gaze was burning with a thousand emotions: dismay, incredulity, defeat and devastation.

Slowly, he lowered the hand that was holding the flowers. Then, like a gush of acid, his eyes slid spitefully to Rigel.

‘You…’ he hissed, in a voice I barely recognised. The bunch of flowers was shaking in his hand, and an unnatural fury made his features look sharper. ‘You’ve finally done it. You’ve finally put your filthy hands on her.’

‘Lionel,’ I stammered, but suddenly Rigel interrupted me.

‘Oh, another bunch of flowers,’ he said scathingly. ‘How original. You can leave them in the porch, I’m sure someone will go to the bother of taking them in.’

His voice was shining with an excessive, repressed anger, and Lionel’s eyes spurted fire. He charged towards him, devouring the asphalt.

‘You’ve always been a piece of shit,’ he accused him, his throat going dangerously purple. ‘I knew you were an arrogant bastard, right from the start! You had to get your fucking hands on her, didn’t you? You had to, what else would a son of a bitch like you do!’

‘Maybe she wanted my fucking hands on her,’ Rigel retorted, his lips twisted into a cruel smile. ‘Much more than she wanted yours.’

‘Rigel!’ I implored him, wide-eyed, but Lionel came up and screamed in his face. ‘Are you happy now? Huh?’ His voice was burning with nervous tension. ‘Happy now that you’ve felt her up good and proper? You satisfied? You don’t deserve her!’

Rigel narrowed his eyes, a terrifying earthquake, burning like a wound.

‘You,’ he spat out with pure fury, ‘you don’t deserve her!’

‘You disgust me!’ Lionel gave him a look full of hate. I tried to calm him down, but his eyes burned me too, and he screamed, ‘You both disgust me! You think you’ll get away with it? You really think so? Well, think again. Your dirty little show ends here!’ Lionel’s eyes, brimming with contempt, shot daggers at Rigel again. ‘I’ll tell everyone! Everyone will know what you get up to at home, what type of family you are – everyone! Then we’ll see what people have to say.’

My eyes opened wide. I felt panic squeezing my throat.

‘Lionel, please…’

‘No,’ he spat out vindictively.

‘You have to understand, please!’

‘I’ve understood well enough!’ he burst out, repulsed. ‘It’s all quite clear. So clear I could vomit.’ He clenched his teeth. ‘You’ve chosen to screw your future adoptive brother, Nica. Nice one. You’ve chosen to let yourself be touched by him, a sick bastard who lives with you and should just see you as a sister. A sister, don’t you get it? All this is indecent!’

‘Why don’t you send me a nice bunch of flowers,’ Rigel shot back, scathingly. ‘Then we can kiss and make up.’

Lionel was on him in an instant.

Everything happened all of a sudden. The flowers fell to the ground in a monstrous explosion of violence. Fists, punches and snarls filled the air and my eyes opened wide in horror.

‘No!’ I shouted with trembling lips. ‘No!’

In a mad impulse, I threw myself on them to try to stop the fight. My hands scraped at their arms, panic swelling in my voice.

‘Stop it! I’m begging you, no! Stop –’

My words stuck in my mouth. My head whipped to one side and my hair lashed my face. The world spun around with a nauseating violence and I crashed to the ground.

The impact with the asphalt knocked the air out of my lungs. I felt my cheek scraping and a burning stinging my right eye, making me clamp them shut. A dull pain throbbed between my temples like a drum.

I leant on my wrists, unstable, and the iron taste of blood filled my mouth. My eyelids were burning. With shaky, tearful eyes I looked up at the person who had struck me.

Lionel was staring at me with a devastated expression. His bewildered gaze harboured a look of pure horror.

‘Nica, I didn’t…’ He swallowed, beside himself. ‘I swear, I didn’t mean to…’

Lionel didn’t see Rigel, standing still, his black hair covering his face. He didn’t see his face turned to one side, towards me, looking as if it had been him, rather than me, who had got hit.

He didn’t see the ice in his eyes, as sharp as needles, staring to one side with incredulous brutality.

He didn’t see any of this.

No…

All he saw was the flash in his burning, black eyes, shooting daggers at him, searing furiously through the air.

Rigel grabbed him by the hair and hit him so hard that his lip burst open. Lionel let out a moan of pain as a siege of punches rained down on him. Blinded with rage, Rigel pounded him, crushed him, bent him, bombarded him. Lionel reacted by trying to hit him in any way he could. He managed to scratch his face. The fight became so violent it was unbearable.

‘Please! ENOUGH!’ Tears burned my eyes. ‘I beg you!’

A fist pounded into Rigel’s temple, splitting his eyebrow.

‘No!’

My knees burning, my bones trembling, I dragged myself to my feet and threw myself on them again.

I had just been thrown to the ground by doing this, but not even the taste of blood in my mouth could stop me.

Not even the pain in my cheek. Nor the punch that had felled me.

Not fear, nor the knot in my throat.

Nothing could stop me, because…

Because, I, after all…had a moth’s heart. And I always would have…

Because it was in my nature to get burnt, just as Rigel had said. And I wouldn’t understand the consequences of this decision until it was too late.

My vision clouded with tears, I threw myself on them, grabbing on to what I could. I grabbed wrists and arms without even knowing who they belonged to. I was pushed back several times as I grabbed, scraped and begged with no restraint.

‘Enough! Rigel, Lionel, enough!’

It all happened too quickly.

A shove caught me off guard and my body was thrown backwards. I stumbled, and crashed into something that buckled under the impact of my body.

A terrifying creak resounded through the air, a noise that stopped time.

Under my sudden weight, the orange netting that was replacing the parapet gave way.

My eyes flew open. I was unable to comprehend what was really happening. I tried to grab on to something, to push myself forwards, but the weight of my backpack on my shoulders dragged me backwards and I lost balance.

My eyes silently screaming, I managed to glimpse, as if in slow-motion, Rigel’s face turning, his hair slapping his face.

His eyes were tormented, full of a blind terror that I would never see in him again.

He was the only handhold in a world that was slipping away.

In a heart-wrenching sequence of images, I saw his body leap and stretch out towards mine. His arm stretched out so far it almost pulled out of its socket and his shadow swallowed me up just as I tumbled over into the void.

Rigel seized me and the air screamed monstrously around us as we went into free fall, a shrieking creature that tore tears from my eyes.

As we fell from that dizzying height, his body shielding mine and his arms wrapped protectively around me, all I could feel was the incredulity of death.

And him.

The pressure of his hands, clutching me to his chest as if to dissolve me into his pulse.

Before the impact, before we were swallowed up into a violent black, before everything tore into ice, I noticed his lips near my ear.

The sound of his voice was the last thing I heard.

The last…before the end.

With the howling wind…the world tragically dimming around us, darkness obliterating us both, all I heard was his voice, whispering feebly:

‘I love you.’