The Tearsmith: A Novel

I was not a princess.

I would have sacrificed the fairy tale

to save the wolf.

‘What?’ I asked, incredulously.

Anna smiled as if to reassure me.

‘The boy outside gave them to me,’ she explained gently. ‘He said they’re for you…He was so awkward! I asked him to come in but he didn’t want to. Maybe he was worried about being a bother,’ she added, seeing my wide eyes.

At that moment, I noticed something white sticking out of the bouquet.

A note. With a drawing of a snail on it.

‘Nica, you don’t need to keep it a secret from me. It’s not a problem if you have a boyfriend…’

‘No,’ I said urgently. ‘No, Anna…you’ve got it wrong. He’s not my boyfriend.’

She frowned gently. ‘But he told me to give you these.’

‘It’s not what you think. He’s just…just…’

A friend, is what I would have said before, but I was speechless. After what he had done, I could no longer call Lionel a friend. I bit my lip, hard. Anna must have sensed my discomfort.

‘I must have got the wrong end of the stick then. I’m sorry, Nica. It’s just that you’ve seemed so wistful lately, and then this boy turns up at the door with these wonderful flowers and I just thought…’ She shook her head, smiling gently. ‘Oh well. In any case, it’s a beautiful bouquet. Don’t you think so, Rigel?’

I felt a painful tension when I turned around.

Rigel was standing in the doorway. His face was expressionless and he didn’t reply. He stared at the flowers, his eyes like bottomless pits. He looked away from them as Anna approached him, lowering his dark gaze to her as if she had torn him away from something silent and icy.

‘Can I…have a word?’ she asked him.

I didn’t know why, but I noticed a flash of annoyance on his face. As if he already knew what she wanted to speak to him about.

He nodded and they moved away together.

‘The doctor’s called…’ I heard Anna saying as they went up the stairs.

As I turned back around, my eyes fell on the note. I hesitated, before reaching out to read it:

I’ve wanted to write to you many times, but this seemed the best way to do it.

I don’t remember clearly what happened the other night, but I can’t shake the feeling that I scared you. Did I? I’m sorry…

When can we talk? I miss you.

My hands were shaking. Every moment of what had happened flashed before my eyes like a scar: his lips, his hands, his arms constraining me, holding me still, my voice pleading with him.

In a sudden impulse, I tore the flowers from the vase, moved to the sink and flung open the cupboard underneath. I paused, holding the bouquet in midair, staring at the trash with trembling hands.

I gripped the stems, pressed my lips together. My throat tightened. I couldn’t do it.

Those flowers didn’t deserve it.

But there was something else.

Something, within me, the most ruined part of my heart, the part that the matron had deformed, couldn’t bring myself to hate him, destroy him, wipe him away.

I saw his drawing of the snail sticking out through the petals and couldn’t find the strength to chuck them.

I should have torn up that piece of card and thrown it away, but I couldn’t.

I had never known how to tear things.

Not even with all the tenderness in the world.

—

More wonderful bouquets arrived over the next few days, each one of them with the same little note with the drawing of a snail.

Anna put them in a vase for me for when I got home.

One afternoon, there was also a packet of crocodile-shaped gummies. I found myself squeezing it in my hands before shoving it in a drawer to get it out of my sight. The next day, there were more lying on the table, wrapped up with ribbon.

‘They’re from an admirer,’ Anna whispered one evening to Norman, who gave a conspiratorial ‘Ooh’.

Klaus, on the other hand, did not appreciate all the commotion. He hissed at the vases that Anna left on the furniture, and nibbled those that weren’t lucky enough to be placed out of harm’s way. He seemed to understand that they weren’t from Anna’s shop, but from someone else.

One evening, I heard a rustling in the kitchen. I turned the light on and found his yellow eyes staring at me, a white petal sticking out from under his whiskers.

‘Klaus,’ I murmured, exasperated. I approached, and he turned his ears back, continuing to munch defiantly on the flower. ‘Come on…You want another tummy upset?’

He wriggled away before I could lift him off the counter. For him, being picked up was probably a lot worse than an upset tummy.

I sighed quietly, looking at the bunch of white roses. I pulled out the flower that he had destroyed and turned it over in my hands. I already knew what the little note would say. I had stopped reading them because they just upset me.

I saw Rigel standing in the shadows near the door when I turned around. His black eyes, dark diamonds, fell on the white rose in my hands.

He hadn’t said a thing the last few days. But I knew what this meant. Getting closer to him had meant learning to interpret the silences he wrapped himself in.

‘This doesn’t mean anything,’ I whispered, before he could turn around. I didn’t want his traumas and suspicions to make him withdraw from me, but I knew they had marked his heart ever since he was a child.

‘But you haven’t thrown them away.’

He turned his back on me and I bit my lip, wishing I could tear down all the walls that still existed between us. Sometimes, they seemed like an endless staircase, full of cracks and broken steps designed to make me fall.

Sometimes, when I paused, exhausted, and looked up, I couldn’t see the top.

But I knew that he was there.

Alone.

And I was the only one who could reach him.

—

‘Nica?’ I heard a knock on my door the following morning. ‘Can I come in?’

Anna came in and found me still in my nightshirt. She smiled, said good morning, then took the hairbrush off me. She sat on the bed and started to brush my hair.

I felt an immeasurable love warming my chest. Her hands touched me carefully, comfortingly, making me dream of a life of caresses and smiles. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world.

‘I’ve got a very important client next week,’ she started to tell me. ‘He wants me to supply the flowers for an event he’s organising at the Mangrove Club. There’ll be lots of people, and seeing the name of my shop among the suppliers will be like a dream come true.’

Her touch became uncertain, and she hesitated.

‘But, well…the client in question is a friend of Dalma’s. This wouldn’t have been possible if she hadn’t given them my name.’ Anna lowered her voice. ‘She’s helped me so much. I want to be able to thank her. I’d have never gotten such a big opportunity without her.’

I turned.

She was waiting for my reply, but as I stayed silent, she continued.

‘I haven’t forgotten what happened,’ she said sadly. ‘I haven’t forgotten what happened with Asia…There’s not a day when I don’t think about it. But they are important to me and Norman, Nica…They’ve shared moments with us that we’ll never forget.’ I sensed Alan’s shadow reflected in her eyes. ‘And so I wanted to ask you…I’d like to invite them over for…’

‘Anna,’ I interrupted her. ‘It’s fine.’

She stared at me with her piercing blue eyes.

That conversation made me realise how much she cared about me. But I bore no grudge against Asia. Despite what had happened, what I felt towards her wasn’t anger, but more a deep sorrow.

I didn’t want to compromise her relationship with Anna. I had never wanted that. I knew how much they loved each other and I didn’t want that to change because of me.

She held my face. ‘Really?’

‘Really.’

‘You’re sure?’

I nodded slowly. ‘I’m sure.’

Anna exhaled shakily and her face broke into a smile. She stroked my cheek and I smiled back at her, basking in the glory of her touch.

She finished brushing my hair, asking my opinion on what she should cook. I told her that Norman would surely appreciate her famous gravy.

‘I’ll go and call Dalma,’ she announced as we got up, and she ushered me down to breakfast.

I headed downstairs. I felt light, fresh and bright. I felt happy. Those moments with her did my heart good. I loved the fact that she always asked my opinion.

My spirits raised, I lingered in the doorway to the kitchen, and my heart soared even more when I saw Rigel sitting at the table with a book and a mug. His head was resting on his knuckles and his dark, dishevelled hair around his face stood out against the soft morning light. His eyes silently scanned the words on the page in front of him. Anna told me that he had woken early because of a headache.

I lingered in silence to watch him without him noticing me. I loved doing that. He was simply himself in those moments. Parts of himself that he usually kept hidden became visible. Once again, I was entranced by his delicate yet fierce looks. His pure, white skin, the sharp line of his eyebrows, his sculpted cheekbones and wild eyes. His careless gestures, those lips that dispensed bites and stinging smiles to whoever dared to come near.

He turned the page, and I wondered where such a masterpiece could have come from.

I came closer, trying not to distract him. I circled the table, and took advantage of there being no one else there to lean over and plant a kiss on his cheek.

Without warning.

When I straightened up, I saw he had frozen, his eyes startled.

He blinked and turned his face to me, surprised.

‘Good morning,’ I whispered tenderly. I gave him my sweetest, brightest smile, then picked up the coffee jug and moved towards the cabinet.

I felt his gaze still burning me.

‘Would you like more coffee?’ I asked.

Rigel stared at me for a moment, then nodded. I noticed his eyes looked more alert.

I moved back towards him and filled his cup. His eyes slid up my body to my face.

‘Here,’ I said softly.

I turned around, and his gaze fell on the silky reflection of my nightshirt.

I reached to get a cup for myself, but the shelf was empty. I stretched for the shelf above, but it was too high.

I stared at the row of cups, frowning, thinking about getting something to stand on, but the noise of a chair caught my attention.

Rigel stood up and approached me. He easily reached for a cup, taking his time to look down at me. His eyes fell on my face, lingering on my mouth and my wide, shining eyes.

‘Thank you,’ I smiled.

He held out a hand and I made to take the cup, but suddenly he seemed to change his mind. Lazily, he retracted his hand and hid the cup behind his back.

I stared at him, speechless.

‘Rigel…’ I pleaded. ‘Can I have it?’

I traced the outline of his arms with my fingers, trying in vain to reach the cup. I looked up at him again. Maybe it was just the reflection of the sun, but I thought I caught a glint of entertainment in his eyes.

I smiled indulgently, and he asked, in a low voice, ‘You want this?’

‘Yes, please…’

I reached round and drummed my fingers on his wrist, but he showed no sign of giving it to me. I placed a hand on his side and he watched me with his feline eyes.

‘Won’t you give me something in exchange?’ he murmured, hoarse and low.

His breath was warm and tempting. His body was hot under my fingers.

Since when had he been so playful?

This development excited and softened me. I tilted my head and brought his hand to my lips, without breaking eye contact. I kissed his skin. His fingers slowly rubbed against the mug.

Rigel stared at me with deep, liquid eyes. His fingers, still under mine, slid to my cheek. He stroked my lips with his thumb, and I slowly, sweetly kissed his fingertip, still looking at him, exposed and sincere.

He came closer, watching me with a burning attraction, as if he wanted to absorb everything about me – my scent, my lips, my eyes, my hands, even my innocence…

A loud noise made me jump.

We both froze.

Anna’s voice broke the spell that was between us. ‘Can someone get that?’ she shouted. ‘I think it’s the mailman!’

Rigel had closed his eyes; his face had turned to stone. When he opened them again, I felt a powerful, icy chill.

I went to answer the door. His arm blocked my way, pushing me back again. He overtook me and headed decisively towards the front door, dropping the cup on the table as he went.

The delivery boy pulled up the visor of his cap when Rigel opened the door. He must have been new: he looked uncertainly at the little card he was holding and scratched a pimple.

‘Hello…I have a delivery for this address,’ he announced. The little card with the snail poked out of a beautiful bunch of flowers. ‘Can you sign here?’

Rigel stared down at Lionel’s little drawing with cutting eyes. Then he looked back up at the delivery boy and moodily muttered, ‘I think there’s been a mistake.’

‘I don’t think so,’ the boy retorted. ‘It’s for Nicol…no, Ni…ca…Dover.’

Rigel flashed him a smile so polite it was frightening.

‘Who?’

‘Nica Dover…’

‘Never heard of her.’

The boy lowered the hand holding the flowers, blinking, bewildered.

‘B…but…’ he stammered. ‘The label on the mailbox says “Dover and Wilde” next to “Milligan”.’

‘Oh, them? They’re the previous owners,’ Rigel replied. ‘We’ve just moved. They don’t live here any more.’

‘Where do they live now?’

‘The cemetery.’

‘The…oh…’ The boy’s eyes opened wide. His glasses almost fell off. He pushed them up his nose and they fogged up.

‘Quite.’

‘Holy smoke, I didn’t know…Jeez, I’m sorry…’

‘They were elderly,’ Rigel informed him, clicking his tongue for dramatic effect. ‘Over a hundred, both of them.’

‘Ah…Well, good for them…Thanks all the s—’

‘You’re welcome.’

He slammed the door in his face.

And no pretentious bunch of flowers managed to cross the threshold.

That day, at least.

—

The evening when the Otters were coming for dinner came in the blink of an eye.

Anna was exuding an almost tangible cheeriness.

She looked at the tablecloth I was putting out, satisfied, then told me that she had bumped into Adeline on her way home.

Anna was very fond of her. She loved her kind manners and her sincere smiles. She knew how close Adeline and I were, and I got the impression that she was upset when Adeline had told her she was still looking for a job.

‘Such a sweet girl,’ she said, sliding the pie into the oven. ‘I lent her my umbrella because she was getting soaked – she didn’t even have a coat!’

She closed the oven door and adjusted the temperature, then took off the oven gloves, seeming somewhat troubled.

‘Where did you say she lives?’ she asked me.

‘At Saint Joseph’s,’ I replied. ‘She’s been there since she was transferred. Now that she’s of age she should leave, but until she finds a job…’

‘I’ve invited her over for dinner too,’ Anna said, slicing the bread.

Still holding the cutlery, I looked up at her.

‘I know it was just supposed to be us, but I couldn’t help it. She’s always so nice…and I know how close you are. It took some convincing for her to accept that it wouldn’t be a bother, but in the end, she said she’d come.’ She smiled gently. ‘Are you pleased?’

My heart would have said yes if my thoughts hadn’t betrayed me. Something inside me was still burning from the last time we had seen each other. On the one hand, hearing her say she felt nothing for Rigel had reassured me, but on the other, I feared this was not the truth. I had chosen to believe her, but the doubt still nagged at me.

Anna looked up at the clock. ‘Oh, I didn’t realise it was so late! Nica, you go and get ready, I’ll finish up here.’

I nodded and went upstairs, letting my hair down.

I picked up my bathrobe and clean underwear and went into the bathroom, where I got undressed and turned on the shower before stepping under the hot water.

I washed carefully and used scented shampoo on my hair, enjoying all the foam.

After rinsing myself off thoroughly, I got out, careful to not get the floor wet. I put on my bathrobe and fastened it around my waist. It was a bit small even for me, but it was a lilac colour that I’d always really liked.

I slipped on my panties, hopping on the spot. I tilted my head and looked at the white lace tracing the curve of my pelvis. This was the first time that I had worn underwear that wasn’t just plain cotton. It felt so soft against my skin.

Starting to rub my hair dry, I heard a voice calling me from downstairs.

‘Oh, Nica, I forgot the lacy placemats! Could you fetch them? They’re in the dresser in my bedroom!’

I rubbed the sleeve of my bathrobe over my forehead and heard Anna add, ‘The bottom drawer!’

Without a second thought, I tightened the bathrobe around my waist, left the bathroom and retrieved what she had asked for. I held them out to her, halfway down the stairs.

‘Sorry, I didn’t realise you were still in the shower! Thank you! Yes, these are perfect. Now, go and get dry, sweetheart, or you’ll get cold…’

She was worrying I’d get ill, so I went back into the bathroom, finding the door wide open.

I suppressed a little shiver and wrung my hair to get the remaining water out. As I started to brush my hair, I noticed the clean and neatly folded shirt next to the sink.

A black, button-up shirt.

A man’s shirt.

I blinked at it, speechless. It hadn’t been there before.

After a moment, I eventually noticed the presence behind me and whirled around.

I almost dropped the hairbrush.

Rigel was in the doorway. Immobile.

Under his dark hair, his black eyes were literally planted on me. In one hand he was holding his towel, and I realised he must have gone back to his room to fetch it, thinking that the bathroom was free.

‘I…I…’ I stammered, cheeks burning. ‘I hadn’t finished…’

I saw his hand slowly gripping the towel. My throat went dry, and I saw a glint of something raw in his eyes as they burned up my entire body: they slid over my trembling ankles, my wet thighs, the curve of my breasts and the exposed skin at my throat.

The sound of him taking a deep breath made my blood quiver. He looked me straight in the eyes and I swallowed under his white-hot gaze.

‘Rigel, the guests are arriving. Anna’s about the house and…’ I gripped the hairbrush. I peered around him into the landing, and suddenly realised that we were facing one another, predator and prey. ‘I need to leave,’ I blurted out.

Rigel was staring at me, a storm churning in his eyes, as if his mind was working at breakneck speed.

We seemed to have gone back to the beginning, back to when I was too scared to pass near him for fear he might maul me. Even though now it might be for different reasons…

‘Rigel,’ I tried to reason with him. ‘I need to get through.’

I hoped my voice didn’t sound too feeble and intimidated; he’d already told me what effect that had on him. But he just slightly squinted his eyes and then…smiled.

In such a calm, relaxed manner that it was frightening.

‘Of course,’ he said, his voice controlled. ‘Be my guest.’

I won’t do anything to you, he seemed to be promising, but his gaze made me feel like a little mouse facing a panther.

I swallowed hard.

‘If I come…you’ll let me through?’

Rigel licked his lips, letting his eyes wander, and he seemed more like a beast standing guard outside its lair than ever before.

‘Mm…’ he agreed.

‘No, say it…’ I stammered.

‘What?’ He laughed, amused.

‘That you’ll let me through.’

He blinked with an innocence that, if it was possible, made him seem even more dangerous.

‘I’ll let you through.’

‘You promise?’

‘I promise.’

I looked at him for a moment, uncertain, before deciding to approach.

And Rigel did, in fact, keep his promise.

He let me through.

He let me through, but then…he grabbed me so impetuously that it took my breath away.

He swept me off my feet. Literally.

I heard the door slam shut. My back against the wall, his body towering over me, I opened my eyes wide and Rigel slid his hand through my hair, bringing his lips to mine.

He kissed me with a wild, overwhelming fervour.

I tried to breathe, to keep hold of my ability to think clearly. I tried to push him away, to disentangle myself, but he trapped my lip between his teeth and sucked it until my legs went soft.

He trapped me against him, with his wolfish ways and his scorching lips, and I felt suddenly powerless.

Reality throbbed, blurred. I felt like I was losing my mind.

I should have been rational, understood the risk, but my feelings for him were too strong. They shattered me, suffocated me, melted me. I stroked his throat and responded with all the desperation coursing through my body.

Rigel grabbed my thighs and lifted me up. The bathrobe came loose and slid off my shoulders. I curled my toes as he bit the curve of my neck, tasting my fresh skin like it was forbidden fruit, sweet and juicy. My slender body tensed under his teeth. My legs trembled.

I was still so unused to being able to touch him, and letting him touch me, that at the slightest touch I trembled and my cheeks burned. I felt weak, hot and electrified.

Rigel sought my mouth again, I couldn’t keep up with him. As he parted my lips, I welcomed him with a little moan, and when his hot tongue entwined with mine, an ardent heat blazed from my stomach to my toes.

I didn’t understand how he could drain my energy like that, and at the same time make me feel so alive. His wild desire and his musk were completely intoxicating.

Suddenly, his hands slipped under my bathrobe, and I tensed. Without realising, I tilted my head and pulled away.

His mouth was just a breath away from mine. I gasped, my eyes half-closed, dazed, my heart about to burst from my chest.

Rigel licked his swollen lips. His hair shadowed his face. He seemed to realise he had scared me, because he pressed his cheek against mine, trying to control himself. In that moment, I noticed the trembling way he was holding me close to him.

His touch was rough, boisterous, wild. But also fearful of hurting me.

I loved that contrast in him, because even if he seized me like a beast, sometimes he seemed to understand me like no one else. Rigel was not violent or tyrannical, he was just a little gruff. He was made that way, but that didn’t make him wrong for me.

He gave me a long, gentle kiss on my neck, where my pulse was racing. His thumbs traced delicate circles on my skin and my body relaxed.

I leant my head against his with a sigh.

I calmed down, my mind languidly slipping into delirium.

I sought his lips again, and we plunged into a spiral of hot, deep kisses.

His tongue moved slowly now, sensually, and his fingers on my hips tightened passionately, unconsciously mirroring the rhythm of his tongue.

The taste of him went to my head. His hands sank into my flesh, rubbing me lustily against him. My cheeks flushed again, my breathing became laboured. A strange pressure pulsed in my lower stomach, sweet and unbearable.

His tongue set my mouth on fire. I found myself sucking it gently, almost shyly, making his fingers clench, digging deep into my skin.

I jumped. His fingertips trailed up my thighs, brushing against the lace of my panties. I clamped my legs around him until our breaths became synchronised again.

Rigel left my lips to bite my jaw, and then my neck, then my shoulder. He seemed lost, hungry, greedy for me. His hands squeezed my hips again, as if he craved the feeling of my flesh trembling, yielding, and moulding to his touch. I suppressed a moan of pain and arched into him. His fingers swept up my back, clutching my shoulder blades while his mouth stamped kisses on the sensitive skin behind my ear. My thighs tensed, my muscles quivered.

Rigel tilted me backwards and, pressing into my pelvis, put his lips to my breast.

I couldn’t breathe.

My head was spinning.

He was driving me crazy, tormenting me. He was making me explode, making me pant, making me alive.

He annihilated me with a kiss, made me part of himself.

And I let him do it, because I desired no other wolf but him.

The feeling I experienced was so strong that it made me tremble. I wished it didn’t always feel like we could be torn away from each other at any moment. As if there was never enough time, or words, nothing that we could experience fully.

I wanted to enter his heart and find out if he also felt this need that rendered everything else meaningless.

To belong to each other.

To stay together.

To hold each other tight.

Soul against soul.

And heart against heart.

For our cracks to converge, until there was no more fear…

The sound of the door handle came from far away.

Too far.

The door cracked open, and my soul jumped, my breath froze.

Quickly, I placed my hand on the door and pushed it back forcefully.

I held my breath as I heard Norman’s voice through the door. ‘Oh…Um…is there someone in the bathroom?’

I abruptly pulled away from Rigel and felt him resisting, trying to hold on to me.

‘Oh, Norman, Nica was taking a shower!’ Anna’s voice approached and terror overwhelmed me. ‘She might not have finished yet…Nica?’ She knocked. ‘Are you still drying off?’

I panted, terrified, realising I was a disaster. There were bite marks on my chest. I feebly closed the bathrobe around me, throwing an anxious look at Rigel. He was still watching me, as if nothing else mattered.

Anna knocked again. ‘Nica?’

‘Y…yeah,’ I said shrilly. As Rigel licked his lower lip, I added, ‘I…I haven’t finished yet.’

‘Is everything okay?’

‘Yeah!’

‘Okay, I’m coming in…’

‘No!’ I shouted in panic. ‘No, Anna…I…I’m not dressed yet!’

‘Don’t worry, Norman’s left! You’ve got your bathrobe on, right? I wanted to show you something.’

I was struggling to breathe. I bit my lip, hard, staring at the door, trying to think.

Very slowly, I lowered the handle and opened the door just enough to peer through the crack.

‘Oh, Nica, you’re still all wet,’ she remarked. ‘And your face is all red…Are you sure you’re all right?’

I swallowed, trying to divert her attention to something else. I noticed then she was holding something.

A dress.

‘Dalma made it,’ she announced happily, seeing where I was looking. ‘It’s for you. A little gift, to make up for what happened…I know how much you like bright colours but…she thinks that a darker shade, with your complexion, would look magnificent. And…here…’

It was black.

The soft fabric looked like a glistening ink stain in her hands. I couldn’t see it all, but I saw enough to grasp that it was nothing short of stunning.

‘Do you like it?’ Anna asked.

‘It’s beautiful, Anna,’ I whispered, almost speechless. ‘I…I don’t know what to say. Dalma is inc—Oh!’

I flushed and pressed my hand over my mouth. Behind the door, Rigel had just pinched my damp thigh.

Anna looked at me, confused and concerned, and I nudged her back with trembling hands. I guided her down the hallway, urging her to move with me.

‘I want to try it on right away! Dalma will be pleased…What time are they coming? Gosh, it’s so late…’

I kept talking and pulling her along, not giving her a chance to look back and discover…him.

—

The dress from Dalma was perfect. It fit me like a glove, clinging to my curves as if it had been stitched onto me. The sleeves covered my arms down to my fingers, but left my shoulders exposed.

Flustered, I smoothed the dress over my hips, looking at my reflection in the mirror.

The subtle shine of black complemented my complexion. Far from making me look dull, it provided a rare contrast that made me feel as special as a star in the night sky.

It was wonderful.

I would never get used to seeing myself like that. To always smelling nice, to wearing clean clothes every day. To being able to take a shower whenever I wanted, to taking as long as I needed to warm up, to seeing myself in a mirror without cracks.

To feeling that sensation on my skin, as if I was something beautiful and worthy of admiration.

Inside, I was still a little girl who rubbed flowers on her clothes and patched them up herself. Some things I would never be able to wash off.

I slowly brushed my hair, and found myself thinking about how long it had grown. When I was little, every breath of wind had puffed it up, and I dreamt of flying free like a dragonfly. I was just a child at the time, but that didn’t stop me from dreaming big.

I gathered my hair to one side and tried to braid it, but it kept snagging on my Band-Aids and got into such a messy tangle that I gave up. I left it loose and tidied it down my back.

When I went downstairs, the Otters had already arrived.

Norman was holding a bottle of wine and wearing a cheerful red sweater. He was telling them about a colony of mice he had found in some woman’s attic. I greeted George, who smiled at me from behind his large moustache.

Dalma was in the kitchen with Anna. As soon as she saw me, she froze with a thrilled expression on her face.

‘You’ve put it on…’ she murmured, looking at me as if I was the one who had given her a gift. ‘Oh Nica…You look amazing.’

She seemed almost moved when I went up to her and kissed her on the cheek.

‘It’s a special occasion,’ I replied, looking at Anna, who smiled at me, touched. ‘Thank you, Dalma…I don’t know what to say. It’s such a beautiful gift.’

She blushed happily. It was only then I noticed the figure behind her.

‘Hi, Asia.’

Asia looked as smart and sophisticated as ever. Her hair was in a ponytail and the way she moved made her look like a princess, but my greeting was met by an awkward silence. She looked away from me, towards the ground.

‘Hi,’ she murmured, not looking at me.

For the first time, she didn’t seem haughty, but almost…embarrassed.

‘I’ll put these in the car,’ she said, gesturing to several packets of dried lavender and jasmine that smelt incredible. They must have been a gift from Anna.

‘Do you need a hand?’ I asked, following her, but her reply was rather brusque.

‘No.’

I stopped, letting her continue.

Her slender legs carried her to the front door and she pulled out the car keys. But something caught her attention. Asia froze, and I knew why.

The framed photo of Alan was gleaming on the table in the hall. The glass needed replacing, there was a small crack towards the bottom. Her eyes lingered on the crack, over which was carefully placed a small, blue Band-Aid.

Blue like Alan’s eyes.

Asia slowly looked up at me. Her gaze wandered to my hands, covered in colourful Band-Aids, and then she looked me in the face. For a moment, I saw something gentle, fragile in her eyes, something that she had never conceded before.

Remorse, and pain, but also…resignation.

She turned and went outside.

I watched her disappear through the front door and headed back into the kitchen.

I was filling the gravy boat when the doorbell rang.

‘Here we are.’ Anna lifted her wrist to her forehead because of the heat from the oven. The pie looked amazing. ‘Nica, can you go and check that everything’s ready, please?’

I reached the dining room to make sure that everything was in order, but froze when I passed the door to the hall.

It hadn’t been Asia who had rung the doorbell, but Adeline.

Her soft blonde hair brightened the hall. She must have just taken her coat off, but I couldn’t see her clearly just by peering through the doorway.

‘You keep looking at me like that.’

‘Like what?’ a deep voice pressed her. Inexplicably, I tensed.

It was Rigel. He had opened the door for her, and now was looking at her, haughty and suspicious.

‘Like…as if I was always in the wrong place,’ she said with a dented smile. Her pale eyes looked at him in a uniquely knowing way. ‘You asked me to stay out of it, and that’s what I’m doing. That’s what I’ve always done…Am I wrong?’

What did she mean?

Out of what?

They exchanged a long look before Rigel glanced away. I saw something flash through Adeline’s eyes that I couldn’t put my finger on. Something too full of need, warmth and compassion, that he let slip over him, or simply didn’t notice.

But I did. And once again I got the impression that I was missing something, that I was lagging behind, that I didn’t know what they were talking about…

There was a world behind those black eyes that I couldn’t touch. A soul that Rigel had never let anyone see.

So why?

Why was she speaking as if she understood him?

As if she knew him?

Suddenly, they noticed me.

Adeline’s eyes flashed and met mine, and I exchanged glances with Rigel. He seemed to be so focused on figuring out what I had overheard that I felt even more out of place.

‘Nica.’ Adeline smiled at me hesitantly. ‘Hi…’

‘Hi,’ I said, dazed and confused. She pulled a packet out of her bag.

‘I brought some dessert,’ she said, embarrassed. ‘I wanted to bring flowers, but seeing as Anna sells them it seemed a bit dumb…’

She came closer, looking at me, then smiled sweetly. ‘You look beautiful,’ she whispered, as if the most beautiful flower was me.

I watched her go as she walked past me. As I turned back around, Rigel came towards me.

My mind went blank. I was lost for words.

He was wearing a pair of dark pants and a white shirt that fit his chest impeccably. The light-coloured fabric did not clash at all with his appearance, but made his eyes look like two magnetic, dangerous chasms. His dark hair and his sharply defined eyebrows stuck out more than usual. His seductive allure was shattering.

I stared at him, wide-eyed and pink-cheeked, taken aback.

He stopped in front of me, perfectly at ease in his ruthless beauty. I felt overwhelmed by how intensely he was looking at me. He tilted his face to one side and studied my outfit, how the dress hugged my gentle curves. For a moment, it seemed as if he was about to say something, but then, as if in some internal battle he had learnt to lose, he swallowed his words.

I wondered why he always looked at me like that. It was as if he was shouting something at me, but at the same time, praying that I wouldn’t understand it. I despaired in my attempts to understand him, but, however much I had learnt to read his silences, his glances remained an impossible mystery.

What did Adeline know?

And why had he opened up his secret world to her?

Did he not trust me?

My insecurities assailed me. I tried to pay them no attention, but they crawled over my skin. I stared into Rigel’s eyes and my heart screamed with the desire to bind him to me, to be important, to enter into his soul as he had entered mine.

What was I to him?

‘Oh, here you are!’ Norman appeared in the doorway and smiled at us. ‘We’re ready! Do you want to come through?’

—

The dinner was warm and lively.

The table was beautifully laid with the good cutlery and the serving dishes steaming in the centre, amongst the clinking sounds of the crockery and delicious aromas.

Adeline had sat on the other side of the table, deliberately leaving the seat next to Rigel free for me.

I stole glances at her, feeling a sheen over my heart. Seeing her sitting amongst the people I loved made me feel tender, conflicting emotions. I felt an immense fondness for her, but also a lot of uncertainty.

‘Would you like some gravy?’ she asked Asia, who looked at her with suspicion.

In response, Adeline smiled and kindly poured her some. Asia gave her a wary look as she also took a piece of bread for her and placed it next to her plate.

‘There’s such an incredible smell in this house!’ George announced. ‘I can almost taste the flowers!’

‘Is there maybe something we don’t know?’ Dalma said in turn.

They turned to look at Anna, who chuckled. ‘Oh, no, don’t look at me! This time I’ve got nothing to do with it.’ She looked at them one by one, then added excitedly, ‘They’re all for Nica.’

I choked on my pie. I swallowed with effort as everyone turned to me.

‘For Nica?’ Dalma stared at me with warm, wondrous eyes. ‘Nica…is someone sending you flowers?’

‘She’s got a secret admirer,’ Norman said awkwardly. ‘A boy who sends her bouquet after bouquet, every day…’

‘A suitor? How romantic! Who is he? Do you know him?’

I swallowed, extremely uncomfortable, and fought the urge to nibble my Band-Aids at the table.

‘He’s a classmate.’

‘He’s such a nice boy!’ Anna intervened excitedly. ‘So attentive…A cup of tea seems the least we could offer him in exchange for all these gifts! He’s the same boy you went to get an ice cream with, right? Your friend?’

‘He…yes…’

‘Why don’t you invite him over one of these days?’

‘I, well…’

I jumped, my entire body tensing.

Under the table, a hand had landed on my bare knee.

Rigel’s fingers were touching my skin. I stiffened.

What was he doing? Had he gone mad?

I clenched my napkin and tensely stared at everyone around the table, one by one.

Dalma was right next to me.

Had she seen?

She turned to look at me and I felt my heart jump to my throat.

‘Not every boy sends flowers. It takes a particular sensitivity…don’t you think?’

‘Yeah…’ I swallowed, trying to seem normal, but at my reply, Rigel’s fingers clenched my knee. I couldn’t hold back a shudder.

When Dalma turned away, I seized the moment to grab his wrist and tear his hand away. I shifted to one side, my cheeks tingling.

Everyone misunderstood my blush.

‘I bet he’s handsome…’

‘Handsome and in love!’

‘In…in love?’ I stammered feebly.

Anna smiled at me. ‘Well, he wouldn’t send all these flowers to just anybody, would he? Lionel certainly feels something very deeply for you…’

I wanted to say something, but they all started speaking at once, bewildering me. They all spoke over each other, my thoughts got muddled and I couldn’t understand a thing.

‘How long have you known him?’

‘What a charming boy…’

‘We were in love at their age, too, weren’t we George?’

‘Nica,’ Anna burst out, ‘why don’t you invite him over tomorrow afternoon?’

The abrupt noise of a chair made me jump. In the excitement, almost no one noticed Rigel leaving, slipping through the door, followed by my and Adeline’s eyes.

My heart felt frozen and constricted, a feeling that grew stronger as I noticed that Asia was still staring at his empty chair. Slowly, she looked up at me.

It suddenly felt as though I was sitting on pins and needles.

I lowered my gaze and, murmuring some excuse, left the room full of chatter behind me. They paid almost no attention, and for once I was grateful.

I looked for Rigel, and suddenly heard a noise from the room at the end of the hall. I hurried towards it, and when I got to the doorway, my eyes opened wide. He was there, tearing to pieces each of the flowers that Lionel had sent.

‘No! Rigel! Stop it!’ I grabbed his wrist and he jerked away from me so abruptly that petals swirled down around him in a silent spiral. His eyes pierced mine and I trembled.

‘Why?’ he demanded angrily. ‘Why didn’t you say anything?’

I stared at him, wide-eyed, but didn’t have time to reply before he took a step towards me.

‘What do you feel for him?’

A dull, heavy sensation made me incapable of tearing my eyes away from Rigel.

‘What?’

‘What do you feel for him?’

His voice was a growl, but there was something vulnerable pulsing in his eyes, like a wound. I stared at him incredulous, because that question shook all the trust we had struggled to build together.

‘Nothing…’

Rigel looked at me with a burning bitterness. He slowly shook his head, as if he was facing a truth he didn’t want to accept.

‘You can’t do it…’ he burst out. ‘After everything he’s done…after how pushy he was, after he almost laid his hands on you, you still can’t bring yourself to hate him.’

It was as if his words scratched me. They struck me, penetrated my skin, because…they were the truth.

I couldn’t deny it.

It didn’t matter how much I got hurt. I could not hate…try as hard as I might.

And yet I had been taught hatred. The matron had imprinted it on my skin in a way that I would never be able to forget.

She had broken me, stamped on me, deformed me. Pummelled me and cracked me. She had bent me so far that I would always be like that, warped and fragile like a child.

That was what she had left me. A faulty heart, that looked in others for the goodness it couldn’t find in Her. A moth that pursued the light in everything, even if it meant getting burnt.

I stretched out my hand. I looked at Rigel with dull eyes, and shook my head too, swallowing that awareness.

‘It’s not important,’ I said quietly.

‘Not important?’ Rigel repeated, his black eyes full of hurt and anger. ‘Oh, it’s not? So what is actually important for you, Nica?’

No.

Anything but that.

I clenched my fists shakily.

He was the last person who could say that.

‘I know what’s important,’ I whispered, my voice not even sounding like my own. I felt my blood boiling under my skin and looked up at him, my gaze watery and shiny. ‘I’m the only one who seems to have grasped what really matters.’

A hard look flashed across his face.

‘What?’

‘It’s you!’ burst out of my mouth. ‘You’re the one who has never cared about anything or anyone, you haven’t even realised the way that Adeline looks at you! You’re behaving as if this was nothing, as if there weren’t any risks! You know what will happen if we’re found out, Rigel? Do you even care?’

My insecurities got the better of me. I tried to push them away but they poisoned my heart, reminding me that I was fragile, soft and frightened. For the first time, my fear of not being enough was projected onto Rigel.

‘You’re just playing with fire, it almost seems like you’re enjoying it. Even at the table, in front of other people, you’re there tempting fate, and then you dare to suggest that it’s me who doesn’t care?’

I wasn’t myself, but I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stand it.

For us, I had had to make compromises with myself, and lie to the only person who had ever truly loved me. The only person I never wanted to deceive: Anna.

I had chosen him, but that choice had broken my heart.

I’d make that choice ten times over, then a hundred and then a thousand, if it meant staying with him.

It would break my heart every time, but I would still choose him.

I would always choose him.

But I couldn’t say if it was the same for Rigel.

He had never given me a single assurance.

I had told him that I wanted him by my side, I had opened up my most intimate and fragile side to him, exposed myself to his silence.

‘I’m risking everything. Everything I care most about. But you don’t even seem to realise. Sometimes you act as if you don’t care, as if this was just a ga—’

‘Don’t,’ he interrupted me sharply, closing his eyes. ‘Don’t say it.’

He opened his eyes, and I saw something trembling furiously in his gaze.

‘Don’t try to say it.’

I looked at him, my gaze dull, and this time it was me who shook my head.

‘I don’t know what this is for you,’ I whispered bitterly. ‘I never know what you’re thinking…or what you’re feeling. You know me better than anyone else, but me…I know hardly anything about you.’

Suddenly, it seemed as if we weren’t in the same room, but light years apart.

‘I told you that I wanted you for what you are…as you are…I told you the truth. I never expected you to say the same, nor that you’d suddenly open up to me overnight. The truth,’ I whispered shakily, ‘is that I’d be fine with whatever. All I want is to understand you. But the more I try to do that, the more you push me away. The more I try, the more I get the feeling you want me far away. Far away from you. Farther than anybody else…And I don’t know why. We’re broken together, but you never let me in, Rigel. Not even for a moment.’

I felt completely drained.

Rigel’s eyes were an impenetrable black.

I wondered where he was, behind those eyes.

If he felt the same pain that I did, the need for me to be part of his world as he was part of mine.

My heart ached even more. My vision blurring, I looked down. His silence was yet more proof that I did not have the strength to listen.

His fists were trembling.

The writhing inside him rose up like a monster.

He couldn’t do it any more, he couldn’t carry on being himself…

He had never felt so trapped inside his own body, never wanted so badly to be someone else, anyone else.

She wanted to come in.

It would just hurt her.

She thought there was something in there, something soft and right, but there wasn’t. Inside, there were just remnants, fear and a soul oozing with torment. Scratches and anger. Pain and a sense of powerlessness.

Inside, he was a disaster.

He had learnt to shun connection, affection, everything. He had even tried to shun her, had pushed her away, scratched her, tried to tear her away from him. Nica had taken everything from inside him. With her shining smile and her tenderness. With her unique light he had never been able to understand.

He had always prayed that she would look at him, because the whole world seemed to shine in her eyes.

In Nica’s eyes, not even he appeared quite so wrong.

But now she was finally looking at him…he was wracked with fear.

He was scared she would see how wrong he was, how worn out, rotten and beyond repair. He was scared of not being understood, of being refused, of seeing her realise that she could have better.

He was scared he would be abandoned again.

That was why he could not let her in.

One part of him wanted to keep her with him always. Another part, the part that loved her more than he loved himself, couldn’t shut her in that cage of thorns.

Nica looked down sadly.

And Rigel said nothing, because, even though she didn’t know it, that silence cost him more than any words.

He was disappointing her again. Why was it that the more he tried to protect her from himself, the more he ended up hurting her?

Nica left, taking all the light with her. Watching her disappear, Rigel felt his heart tighten and all his thorny regrets bury deeper into him, one by one.