The Tearsmith: A Novel

Innocence is not something you lose.

Innocence is something you are,

In spite of any pain.

I couldn’t move. My legs were trembling, my eyes blind. The darkness was too dense. My gaze was darting from side to side, as if hoping that someone would appear. My nails scraped against metal, convulsive and feverish, but I couldn’t get free. I never could.

No one would come to save me. No one would answer my screams. My temples throbbed, my throat burned, my skin cracked under leather, and I was alone…alone…

Alone…

—

I woke with a stifled sob.

The room was spinning. My stomach was in knots. I sat up, gasping for air, trying to calm down, but cold sweat clung to my back, terror sinking into my skin.

Clammy shudders ran through me, and my heart threatened to burst out of my chest.

I curled up against the headboard and clutched my caterpillar plushie.

I was safe. That was another room, another place, another life…

But the feeling remained. It crushed me. It crumpled me up and sent me right back there, to that darkness. I went back to being a child again.

Perhaps I still was.

Perhaps I had never stopped being one. Something inside me had broken long ago, and remained small, childlike, innocent and frightened.

It had stopped growing.

And I knew…I knew I wasn’t like the others, because as I grew up, that broken part of me stayed a child.

I still looked at the world with the same eyes.

I reacted with the same naïvety.

I searched for the light in others, just like I had searched in vain for it in Her when I was little.

I was like a butterfly in chains.

And maybe…

I always would be.

—

‘Nica, are you okay?’

Billie was staring at me. Her head was tilted to one side, her bushy hair pushed back from her face with a headband.

I had been awake all night, trying to keep my nightmares at bay, and it showed on my face.

The darkness was unrelenting. A few nights, I had tried leaving the bedside lamp on, but Anna had noticed and, thinking I had just forgotten, came in to turn it off. I didn’t have the courage to tell her that I would have preferred to sleep with a nightlight on like a little girl.

‘Yeah,’ I replied, trying to sound natural. ‘How come?’

‘I dunno…You look paler than usual.’ She scrutinised my face. ‘You seem tired…Did you sleep badly?’

Anxiety tightly wound itself around me. I was used to sudden, unwarranted reactions like this. I was often overcome by excessive worries that ate away at my most fragile and childlike self. It always happened when I thought back to that.

My palms were sweaty, my heart was so tight it felt as if it was about to burst, and all I wanted was to be unseen.

‘Everything’s fine,’ I replied faintly. I wondered if I sounded convincing, but Billie seemed to genuinely believe me.

‘If you want, I can give you the recipe for a calming herbal remedy,’ she suggested. ‘My grandma used to make it for me when I was a child…I’ll message it you later!’

As soon as Anna had given me the phone, Billie had asked to exchange numbers and given me some tips on setting it up.

‘I’ll put a butterfly for you,’ she told me as she saved my number in her contacts.

‘Emojis,’ she continued cheerfully. ‘Grandma has a rolling pin. I put a panda for Miki, not that she deserves it. She saved me in her phone as a poop emoji…’

There was so much to learn. I could barely send a message without getting confused.

‘Have you quite finished your conversations?’ Mr Kryll said indignantly. ‘You’re not here to socialise. This is a classroom! Silence!’

The chatter faded away. Mr Kryll inspected the students one by one as we filed into the laboratory. He told us to put on protective goggles and threatened to suspend anyone caught misusing the equipment.

‘Why do you write your address on the front of your books?’ Billie whispered to me as I pushed my biology textbook to the corner of the desk we shared.

I looked at the label with my name, subject, year, and address written down.

‘Why? Is that weird?’ I asked, embarrassed, remembering how happy I had been to write my address down. ‘So if I lose it, they’ll know who it belongs to, right?’

‘Your name’s not enough for that?’ she chuckled, making me blush.

Maybe it will be confusing…

‘Are you all quite ready?’ barked Kryll, demanding everyone’s attention.

I adjusted my goggles and tucked my hair behind my ears.

I was on tenterhooks. I had never done a lab before!

I put on the plastic gloves and took note of how they felt against my skin.

‘I hope he doesn’t make us disembowel eels like last time,’ someone behind me murmured. I raised my eyebrows with an uncertain smile.

Disembowel?

‘All right,’ announced Kryll. ‘You may now place the materials on the table.’

I reached towards a small folder, which had a pen attached by a string.

Kryll continued, ‘And remember, the scalpel doesn’t cut through bone.’

‘The scalpel doesn’t cut…what?’ I asked innocently, before making the mistake of lowering my gaze.

My blood ran cold.

A lifeless frog lay spreadeagled on the metal cutting board.

I stared at it in horror. The blood drained from my face. Two boys in front of me were inspecting the row of knives like butchers. A short distance away, a girl pulled on her gloves with a crisp snap. Near the door, someone was hunching over their frog, but it definitely wasn’t to perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I suddenly realised.

Help!

I turned around just in time to glimpse Kryll leaving what looked like a torture chamber: a cupboard full of jars, vials and containers filled with beetles, centipedes and cicadas.

My stomach dropped.

Billie lifted the scalpel with a smile.

‘Do you want to make the first incision?’ she asked as if we were talking about meatloaf.

I was sure I was going to faint.

I grabbed the edge of the table. The folder slipped from my hands.

‘Nica, what’s wrong? Are you okay?’ she asked me.

Someone in front of us turned around to see what was going on.

‘I…No,’ I swallowed, pale.

‘You’re going green…’ she observed, watching me closely. ‘You aren’t afraid of frogs, are you? Relax, look, it’s already dead! Dead–as–a–doornail! See? Look!’ She started poking it with the scalpel under my horrified eyes.

My goggles fogged up from my breathing, and for the first time in my life, I found myself praying that I’d be sent to go stand outside the classroom.

No, not this. I couldn’t take it. I really couldn’t…

‘I can’t believe it,’ a voice behind me said, ‘the guardian of the snails is afraid of a little frog…’

At the table behind mine, I recognised the guy I had met at the wall and then seen again at the mall.

He flashed a smile, his protective goggles perched on the top of his head.

‘Hey, snail girl.’

‘Hi…’ I whispered. He gave me a look as if he wanted to say something, but a moment later, Kryll barked at us to get back to work.

‘Don’t worry, Nica, I’ll deal with it,’ Billie reassured me, seeing me using the folder as a shield. ‘It’s clear this is your first lab! You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of, okay? It’s a piece of cake! Let’s make a deal: I’ll do the cutting, and you write down what happens.’

I nodded reluctantly, glancing around.

I took a furtive, pitying look at the frog and regretted it instantly. Billie grinned, brandishing the scalpel.

‘All right! Now…don’t get splashed!’

I flinched as I heard a slimy squelch. I held the folder so close to my face that all I could see was a blurry white.

‘Here it is! The heart! Or is it a lung? Oh, my goodness, it’s so squishy…it’s such a weird colour! Look at this…Nica, are you taking notes?’

I nodded stiffly, scribbling feverishly.

‘Oh, my goodness…’ I heard her murmur.

I turned the page gingerly, with spidery fingers.

‘Oh, it’s so slimy…Listen to the squishy sound it makes…eww…’

Perhaps it was providence. Destiny. Salvation.

Whatever it was, it came in the form of a piece of paper.

I found it on the table next to me.

I opened it with trembling hands and saw one simple word written inside:

‘Hey.’

Someone cleared their throat behind me. I turned around. The boy had his back to me, but I saw the torn corner of a sheet of paper in his folder.

I opened my mouth uncertainly, but before I could say anything, I jumped as: ‘Dover!’ Kryll shouted. ‘What have you got there?’ My eyes widened as everyone turned to look at me.

Oh, no!

‘W-where?’ I stammered.

‘There! You’ve got something, I saw you!’ He came towards me quickly, and I glanced around frantically. Panic overwhelmed me.

What would Anna and Norman say if they found out I wasn’t paying attention in class? That I had been caught passing notes?

I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t even think. I saw the teacher marching furiously towards me, and desperately, impulsively, I turned around and stuffed the note into my mouth.

I chewed like a madwoman, really going at it like I had few times in my difficult life.

And as if I wasn’t ashamed enough, behind me was the very boy who had passed me the note. I glanced round and he was facing me, astonished. I swallowed it right in front of his eyes.

I had survived. In body, at least.

Kryll wasn’t best pleased to see my hands were empty.

He looked at me suspiciously, then told me to pay more attention and get back to work.

I wondered what he would have thought if he had seen me later hurrying along the sidewalk with my arms wrapped tightly around myself as if I had a stomach ache.

When I was far enough away, I snuck a furtive glance over my shoulder.

I was by the bridge, on the grassy riverbank. I knelt down and unzipped my hoodie.

A beetle was scurrying around inside the jar in my hands. I watched it through the strands of hair that fell over my face.

‘Don’t worry,’ I whispered to him, as if it was our secret. ‘I got you out of there.’

I unscrewed the lid and lowered the jar to the ground. The beetle stayed inside, too terrified to come out.

‘Go,’ I whispered, ‘before someone sees you…’

I turned the jar over and he fell out into the grass, but still didn’t move.

I watched him. He was little, different. Many others would have found him disgusting, horrifying, but I only felt sorry for him. Some people wouldn’t have noticed him at all, he was so insignificant. Others would have killed him because, in their eyes, he was too ugly to live.

‘You can’t stay here…they’ll hurt you,’ I whispered bitterly. ‘People don’t understand…they’re scared. They’ll squash you just so they don’t have to be near you.’

The world wasn’t used to freaks like us. They shut us away in institutions to forget us, to keep us far away, in the dust, forgetting we existed because that was more convenient. No one wanted us around, just seeing us made them uncomfortable.

I knew this only too well.

‘Go on…’ I scraped the ground next to him and he unfurled his wings. He took flight and disappeared from view. I sighed with relief, my heart lighter. ‘Bye bye…’

‘Oh, wow…and I thought it was just lunatics who talked to themselves…’

I tried to hide the jar. I was not alone. There were two girls looking at me with sarcastic pity. One of them was the girl who had given the red rose to Rigel. I recognised her shining hair and manicured hands.

When our gazes crossed, she smiled, still with that fake pity.

‘You’ll scare the pigeons like that.’

My stomach twisted with shame. Had they seen me freeing the bug from the lab store? I hoped not, otherwise I’d be in serious trouble.

‘I wasn’t doing anything,’ I said quickly. My voice sounded feeble and too high, and they burst out laughing.

I instantly understood that it wasn’t what I was doing that they found funny, but me.

They were laughing at me.

‘ “I wasn’t doing anything,” ’ the other girl mocked. ‘How old are you? You’re like a little kid straight out of elementary school.’ They stared at my colourful Band-Aids, and my insecurities swallowed me, just like they did when I was little.

They were right. In their presence I shrank into a little child, a stupid, weird little creature with scratched hands and dull, grey skin, like a gremlin kept indoors for too long. They had seen me when I was in my own little world, when I was at my most vulnerable.

‘The kiddies in the kindergarten down the street have imaginary friends too. Maybe you could go and talk to them.’ They laughed. ‘You can share your juice box…No fighting, though. Go on, go play with your little friends,’ the girl who had given Rigel the rose kicked my backpack.

I jerked it closer to me, and she stepped on my hand. I flinched in pain and watched her, bewildered, unable to understand why she was behaving like this. She looked down at me scornfully.

‘Maybe they’ll teach you not to eavesdrop. Didn’t your parents tell you it’s rude?’

‘Nica!’ a voice interrupted.

Behind them, a not-too-tall figure was watching us warily, fists clenched at her sides.

It was Miki.

‘What are you doing?’ she asked sharply.

The girl turned that mocking smile on her. ‘Oh, look who’s here. I didn’t know this was where they were holding the freak convention.’ She put her painted nails to her lips. ‘How sweet! Shall I make you some tea?’

‘Here’s a better idea,’ Miki retorted. ‘Why don’t you both get the hell out of here?’

Something in the girl’s face shifted, but her friend lowered her gaze and hid behind her.

‘What did you say, bitch?’

‘Hey, let’s go…’ her companion tried.

‘Don’t you have some veins to cut?’

‘Right,’ Miki burst out. ‘I’ve got the razor right here, why don’t we start with yours?’

‘Come on,’ the other girl whispered again, gently tugging her friend’s sleeve.

The girl looked Miki up and down with a disgusted scowl.

‘Weirdo loser,’ she said slowly, repulsed. Then she turned around and the two of them walked away without looking back.

When they were far enough away, Miki looked down at me.

‘Did they push you?’

I looked up at her as I got up off the ground.

‘No,’ I replied in a fragile voice.

She searched my face warily, as if she was trying to read me. I hoped she wouldn’t see how humiliated I was.

‘What are you doing here?’ I asked, trying to change the subject. ‘Are you getting the bus home?’

Miki hesitated. She glanced towards the junction about twenty metres down the road.

‘I’m getting picked up down the street,’ she answered reluctantly. I followed her gaze.

‘Oh…How come?’

I hoped I didn’t sound nosy. In truth, I was just still reeling with too much shame to be tactful.

‘Just because.’

Maybe Miki didn’t want others to see who was picking her up or how she was getting home. Maybe she felt awkward, so I respected her silence and didn’t ask any more questions.

‘I have to go,’ she said when her phone rang from her pocket. She glanced at the screen without unlocking it, and I nodded, tucking my hair behind my ears.

‘Bye,’ I said. ‘See you tomorrow.’

She headed off without ceremony. I watched her walk away along the sidewalk, and then my voice got the better of me.

‘Miki!’

She turned to look at me.

I watched her for a moment. And then…

Then I smiled. I smiled with soft, calm eyes, as the wind tousled my hair.

‘Thank you.’

Miki looked at me for a long time, saying nothing. It was as if, for the first time, she was finally able to see me.

—

I got back home a few minutes later.

The warmth of the entrance hall embraced me like it always did. I felt held, enveloped, safe.

I froze when I saw Rigel’s jacket hanging up on one of the hooks.

The thought of him suddenly overwhelmed me, and before I knew it, my heart was stirring.

Now that he no longer had detention, I’d have to get used to him being around all the time.

I had been trying not to think of him all morning. The memory of his breath on my mouth made me tremble like never before.

It wasn’t normal, the effect he had on me.

It wasn’t normal that I could still feel him on my skin.

It wasn’t normal, the way in which the sound of his voice made my blood boil.

There was nothing normal about it, maybe there never had been.

I wished I could forget him. Wash him away. Shrug him off.

But it took nothing at all for me to fall back into those feelings…

The doorbell rang unexpectedly, shaking me from my thoughts.

I jumped and turned towards the front door.

Who could it be, at that time of day? Anna was at the shop, and I was sure it wouldn’t be Norman – he was dedicating every spare moment to preparing for the imminent conference.

I peered through the obscure glass, then opened the door.

It was the last person I would have ever expected to see.

‘Hi.’ The boy raised a hand to greet me.

It was him. The lab. The mall. The snail.

I stared at him in astonishment.

What was he doing there?

‘Sorry to burst in on you like this…um…are you busy?’ he asked, scratching his neck.

I shook my head, surprised by the unexpected visit.

‘Okay. I…I just came by to give you this,’ he said, holding something out to me. ‘I hope I’m not interrupting, but you left this in the lab.’

It was my biology book. I took it warily, surprised at myself.

Had I forgotten it? How was that possible? I was sure that the desk was empty when I left the lab. Had I not noticed it in my rush to take the jar?

‘I saw the address and, well…I happened to be passing by…’

I wondered what was happening to me. I had never in my life allowed myself the luxury of being so distracted that I left my belongings all over the place. First the photo, now the book…

‘Thanks,’ I replied, holding it tightly. He stood still as my pale eyes gently met his. I looked down and touched the tip of my nose. ‘I’ve been losing everything lately,’ I joked a little nervously, trying to downplay this new, unfamiliar side to my personality. ‘I really don’t know where I…’

‘I’m Lionel.’

I looked up. He seemed embarrassed. He glanced down, before looking into my eyes again.

‘My name is Lionel. We haven’t introduced ourselves yet, I don’t think.’

He was right. I hugged the book to myself shyly.

‘I’m Nica,’ I replied.

‘Yes, I know.’

He flashed a smile and pointed at the label with my name on it on the cover of the book.

‘Oh, of course…’

‘Well, that’s certainly a step forward, don’t you think? At least now you know my name, if there are any snails about…’

He laughed. My nose crinkled as a smile curved across my cheeks.

His kindness was like a fresh breeze. I couldn’t help but think about how selfless it had been for him to come all this way just to bring me my book.

Lionel had thick blond hair and a friendly laugh that reached his hazel eyes. There was something genuine in those eyes, something that made me feel very calm.

But suddenly, his face changed.

He looked over my shoulder.

A faint shift in the air was all it took for me to understand.

The next moment, slender fingers came to settle on the door knocker just above my head. A pale hand, with a broad, well-defined wrist set off alarm bells in my mind. I froze. Every inch of my skin reacted to his presence.

‘Are you lost?’

God, his voice. That breathy, piercing voice. It rang in my ears, so close that I shuddered fiercely.

I gripped the book, praying that Rigel would move away from me.

‘No, I…I was just passing by. I’m Lionel.’ He watched Rigel cautiously. ‘I also go to Burnaby.’

Rigel said nothing, and the silence was so uncomfortable that my skin crawled and I bit the inside of my cheek. I burst out, ‘Lionel brought me a book that I’d forgotten.’

I was sure I could feel Rigel’s gaze on the back of my head.

‘Well, how kind.’

Lionel tilted his head, watching him carefully. Rigel always made people feel out of sorts, caused a discomfort that was hard to explain.

‘Yeah, I…’ he said, staring intently at Rigel. ‘Me and Nica have practicals together with Mr Kryll. I’m her lab partner. You?’ he asked, his hands in his pockets, as if to ask, ‘And who might you be?’

Rigel leant against the doorframe and stared at Lionel with brazen self-assurance, the corners of his mouth mockingly upturned. It was only then that I noticed that he wasn’t wearing a sweater or hoodie. A plain t-shirt closely hugged his chiselled chest.

‘Can’t you guess?’

He said it in that insinuating voice of his, that characteristic way of casting doubt, as if his being in the same house as me was open to multiple interpretations.

They exchanged a look I didn’t understand, but when Rigel looked down at me, it was clear that he knew he had got the last word.

‘Anna’s on the phone,’ he said. ‘She wants to speak to you.’

I took a step away from him and glanced into the living room.

Anna wanted to speak to me?

‘Thanks again for this. Really,’ I stammered to Lionel, not knowing what to say. ‘I’ve got to go, see you soon!’

I made a hasty goodbye and ran towards the phone. He leant towards me and I had the impression that he was about to say something, but Rigel spoke first.

‘See you, Leonard.’

‘Actually, it’s Lio—’

The door slammed in his face.