SWNOVELS The Secret Fiancée: Chapter 61
Raya doesn’t say a word to me as we drive to her parents’ house. All week, I’ve done all I can to catch glimpses of her, and all week, she’s done all she could to avoid me. It fucking hurts to know that the one person that was always happy to see me now can’t stand to look at me, and I only have myself to blame for it.
“Truth or dare?” I murmur, at a loss.
She tenses and looks out the window, no doubt contemplating whether or not to indulge me. “Dare.”
I suck my bottom lip between my teeth, unsure what to ask for. I don’t want to coerce her into doing things she doesn’t want to do, but I’m desperate to hold her hand the way I used to. I never realized how much I took it for granted. It always felt so simple, having her fingers between mine, the softness of her skin against my rougher hands. “Help me park the car,” I say eventually, her parents’ house right in front of us. She sighs and reaches for her seatbelt, but I shake my head. “Without moving from your seat.”
She looks at me, and fuck, I think it may very well be the first time she’s looked me in the eye all week. I forgot how enchanting those gorgeous brown eyes are, how hard it is to look away when she gives me her attention. Raya places her hand on top of mine as she moves the clutch, and I inhale shakily, savoring the feel of her soft fingers on top of mine.
I follow her instructions as she directs me from her seat, helping me park the car. I’m barely able to focus on anything but her touch, and the moment she pulls her hand away, a sense of loss washes over me.
I sigh as I lean over and undo her seatbelt, bringing our bodies closer than she’s let me in some time. Raya’s gaze cuts to mine, and I know she’s reminded of the countless times I’ve done just this, only to grab her face and kiss her, losing myself in her scent, her honey flavor.
Her eyes roam over my face and settle on my mouth, something akin to longing flashing through her eyes before she turns away and opens her car door, depriving me of the honor of helping her.
“Wait,” I tell her. “Let me, please.”
I rush out of the car and around it, but she ignores me and steps out of the car moments before I reach her. The passenger door falls closed behind her, and I step closer to her. Raya steps back, the look in her eyes changing, that same longing reemerging. I smile at her as her back hits the car and lean in, caging her in with my body.
“Truth,” I tell her. She didn’t ask, but I’m not willing to give up on our game. It’s what started it all, and throughout our relationship, it’s what we’ve defaulted to when communicating felt hard.
Ask me if I miss you, I silently plead. Ask me if I love you, Raya.
She studies me and tilts her head just a touch, something akin to hope lighting up her eyes. “Are you still monitoring me?”
My heart drops, and I stare at her, wishing she’d asked me anything but that. My breathing accelerates, and my throat feels dry all of a sudden.
“It’s a simple question, Lexington.”
“It isn’t,” I retort, unsure how else to explain.
“How is it not, when there are only two possible answers: yes or no?”
“Please, Raya,” I whisper. “Let me explain. The answer is yes, but I’m not doing it intentionally. It’s just… it’s hard to undo.”
I’ve never witnessed such deep disappointment in my wife’s eyes, and she draws a shaky breath as she pushes against my chest, moving me out of the way. She walks to her parents’ front door and looks over her shoulder.
“You told me you were sorry, Lex. There’s only one apology I’m willing to accept: changed behavior. If you can’t change, if you won’t change, you need to sign the papers.”
The front door opens just as I catch up to her, and her father appears. The way Raya smiles at him leaves me awestruck, and suddenly I find myself fearing I’ll never see her smile at me that way again.
I watch as my wife all but skips through the house to get to her mother, and without a doubt, this is the happiest I’ve seen her in a while. Celeste’s words ring through my mind as if on cue, reminding me that happiness isn’t a single moment, that with enough time, I could earn Raya’s smiles again.
“Come on,” Bob says as he places his hand on my shoulder. “Why don’t you come help me with my temperamental Annie? That car takes after its namesake — it’s consistently difficult, unpredictable.”
I take another look at the kitchen, where I can hear Raya’s laughter coming from, longing hitting me hard and fast. “Of course,” I tell my father-in-law, when I want nothing more than to stand by my wife’s side, pretending I’m the reason for that sweet laughter, like I used to be.
Bob and I work quietly for a while, but unlike the usual serene atmosphere between us, the tension is thick today. “It won’t last, you know,” he says eventually.
I look up, my stomach turning. Bob reads my expression and laughs, shaking his head.
“Her anger,” he elaborates. “Raya never stays mad for long. She doesn’t have it in her. There’s no malice in my sweet little girl’s heart.”
“Is it obvious?” I ask, my voice soft. “That we’re… arguing?”
Bob leans against the car and smiles. “Lexington, you’re walking around looking like a sad puppy. It’s hard not to notice.”
I run a hand through my hair and look away. My father-in-law seems to take great delight in my torment, because he laughs and pushes off the car. I watch as he grabs a bottle of whiskey from one of his cupboards and pours us both a glass. “Tinkering clearly isn’t helping you today, so let’s try this.”
I knock it back, and Bob instantly refills my glass, not an ounce of judgement in his eyes. “I think I lost her,” I admit eventually.
He swirls his whiskey and nods slowly. “Then win her back.” He looks at me then. “Marriage isn’t a box you get to check. Your status as my daughter’s husband is something you have to earn, every single day. It isn’t a position you can take for granted, Lexington.”
I look at him, my heart bleeding. “I know,” I tell him, my voice soft. “God, I know.”
He places his hand on my arm and smiles with a lot more kindness than I’d expect from him in this situation. “A few months ago, I told you that what Raya wants above all is true love. You told me you weren’t sure you could give her that, but that you’d try. Tell me, Lexington. Did you try?”
Pure sorrow rushes through me as I shake my head. “No,” I whisper. “I never had to try with her, Bob. I fell for Raya against my will, against reason. Irrevocably. Unexpectedly.”
Falling in love was the easy part. It’s trust I can’t give her.
Bob smiles at me. “I’m not sure what happened, and I have no intention of meddling in your marriage, but I have to ask… regardless of what happened, did you have any intention of hurting her, Lex?”
“No,” I reply immediately. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I did.”
Bob takes a swig of his whiskey. “Did you learn from it?”
I nod, willing him to believe me.
My father-in-law smiles at me. “And will you ever let it happen again?”
“Never,” I vow.
Bob nods. “Then you’ll be just fine, Lexington. Things will never be perfect, but so long as you try to be a little better every day, you’ll get as close to it as you can get. No one could ask more of you than that. Not even me.”