The Search for Freedom

The appearance of a handsome man could not be erased from my mind. The way he kissed my hand, the way he looked at me, and the way he'd smile. Why should I think about that man? What a dimwit I was. How could I fulfill my promise, that I wouldn't trust and be closed to anyone, if I was showing the fragile version of myself again?

The same with the glass that was so easily broken and, after being broken, couldn't be repaired again, and the pain I got would stay forever. But I didn't worry too much because if the glass had broken, it could be used for other things. Maybe that was the thing that was really meant for me.

I sit on the rocking chair inside my spacious bedroom while reading a book. Maybe the life of a poor person was more exciting than the life of a wealthy one. It might be the same with the stories about those poor people who worked hard to become rich. They studied hard, did part-time jobs to maintain themselves in school and also help their families. Until someday, they'd become rich and live happily ever after.

Whereas the life of mine didn't have even a little excitement. What I only had was sadness, monotonous and full of melancholy and lament. Every time I woke up, I could only see the white-painted ceiling. After the day passed by, I went towards my window and thought again about what had happened yesterday, finding the mistakes and hoping that they would not happen again in the present or in the future.

Someone said that the whole universe would conspire with him if he believed in the beauty of his dreams. The cosmos would help him achieve them. But what if there was also someone who wished and believed that he could not achieve his dreams instead of believing that he could? Those people who would not support him and were afraid of what he might become?

Maybe those were the reasons why my dreams wouldn't come true even if eons had elapsed, because a powerful woman had conspired with the universe to make my life worse!

In my heart, my dreams were so simple. I wanted to be simple and to live a simple life. I also wanted to give justice for my parents' deaths, but it seemed that I couldn't give that to them anymore because the whole universe was conspiring to make foes and hindrances in my way.

It had been a month since my parents' death, but I had not gotten any information about the killers. I knew that if another month elapsed, the death of my parents would be forgotten by everyone, and even those police who were giving attention and investigating their death would just let the thing fly with the cold breeze.

Why was I thinking of those things without even thinking about the people whom I killed without showing any mercy? Well, I didn't need to feel sorry for them because I wasn't the one who killed them, but the old woman who looked like a demon.

Maybe that was my fate, to be a girl who could do nothing but follow the will of the wind. To dream and dream as if I could live forever and not die as a fool. Perhaps Amara was correct when she said it was different to have a teacher rather than teach myself.

I was alone in my room again. It seemed like I was making myself a prisoner, though there was a huge space outside and anywhere. There were too many things that would enter my mind if I went outside. There would be many things that I could remember and smell the bad memories of other people, including my own parents.

From the window of my room, I stared at the crescent moon hanging impaled on the slender shaft of the solitary pine. I was thinking about why my parents had decided to build the mansion there, though there were a few livable houses nearby and it was far from the city. I knew there would be more advantages to living in the city, but I also knew there were such disadvantages. It was for them to decide where they wanted to live. It wasn't my business anymore. It was already evening, and seemed to be a normal day. I lowered the drapes and walked towards the door. My bedroom became dark, but it wasn't the dimness that shocked me, but what I saw when I opened the door.

Everything was different-what I saw was different from what I should have seen. I wasn't inside my mansion anymore when I stepped out, but in a place that I didn't know. I tried to go back and see if I could still find the door to my room, but it was too late. I was lost in the darkness.

Though I was in another place, my clothes were still the same. A black coat striped with pink fabric, a white skirt, and my pink sneakers. It made me think that I could not really imprison myself in my bedroom because the universe would still find a way to bring me anywhere.

I knew that there was something unpleasant, unlawful, heinous, inexplicable, and always happening to me, and it seemed to happen again. Maybe it was looking for a chance to happen. The sin might be waiting for me to commit it. That thing would never leave me anymore, and as long as I was alive, it would pave the way for it to happen.

Everything around me has gradually changed. The first thing I saw was the blue sky with some rounded dull white clouds. The sun was already far away above my head. It was surprising that I could look directly at the sun, though it was dazzlingly gold. Maybe it was also a part of my power?

It was noon there, but when I glanced at my watch, I saw that its arms were pointing at 7:03 pm. That watch was stuck. Maybe I was very far from my town because I saw no snow and ice sleet falling from the sky. There was a concrete road and the lampposts were aligned on the roadside.

Incredible! It seemed that I could see what was ahead, and what was beyond the wall there, and everything beyond the houses, and what was beyond the buildings, and what was beyond the huge tower. That was incredible! I wanted to jump. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to shout. Until I screamed. Yohoo! I could see things even kilometers away from where I was!