The Search for Freedom

Lil

Many days had passed since the crime my hands committed, but I was still thinking about those things, and it was difficult for me to concentrate in my studies as a result. My grades, my performance, my attitude, my atmosphere, my life, everything was affected by the incident.

All those days, I had staggered to my feet and swayed a little, walking down a quiet street, flabbergasted. Looking at the aligned structures, they were also showing sadness. Sometimes I sat on the riverbank, frowning and shrugging while looking at the sun going down on the horizon. The sunlight seemed cold instead of scorching rays.

I couldn't think well, sleep well, breathe well, speak well, or even calm myself. I was going to lose my sanity. But I was still lucky that even though the curse could control my body, I had been thinking normally.

I asked myself why I was still thinking about the crime. I wasn't the one who did it, but someone who cheated me. I've never experienced that kind of thing before, so I didn't worry if whatever happened to the world. I had peace of mind because I knew that I was doing no wrong. But since the old man showed, I couldn't define the difference between right and wrong.

Even from whatever angle I looked at, I couldn't say that it was my hand and not me who did the crime. I knew my hands were both attached to myself, and it was my brain that could only control them. I already have the courage to cut off my hands so that I can not do wrong anymore. I already did it, but I've been thinking about those things which could be affected.

I couldn't say that my hands had their own brains or that I couldn't control their brains. There's no scientific explanation for that. I was pretty sure that people would judge me for being a crazy boy. I knew if they asked for any proof, the curse would defend itself.

What should I do to make myself stop thinking about the crime? First, I would make myself busy. Second, I would never mind the world. Third, I would eat three meals a day, even if I wasn't hungry. I would get enough sleep, though I wasn't drowsy. Lastly, I would stop thinking about anything, though it was difficult to stop because my story was all about that.

I knew there were too many people who lamented the death of their mother or sister, acquaintance or family member. I knew they wanted to give justice to their loved ones who died because of me. I also knew that I didn't want to be imprisoned. If I could only remove my soul from my body, I already have. Everything was my body's mistake, and my soul was innocent.

I sat on the feeble green grasses that had lost their robustness. I knew the reason. Looking at the wide sky with some clouds forming rounded masses heaped on top of each other above a flat base at a fairly low altitude, but faded. The high mountains that were standing apart before wanted to lie down.

It was difficult to estimate how enormous the world was, but my world was shrinking, thinking of any place where I could escape from the scourge of problems, problems that I didn't know if they had any solutions to or if they were just nothing but problems themselves.

The sun had already set on the horizon. It wasn't as beautiful as before; everything seemed faded. The sunset wasn't the same anymore. It was nothing but a normal or even an abnormal sunset I've ever seen. The dusk was coming slowly towards me until it passed by quickly above my head and didn't want to stay for a while beside me. Everything around me hated me, even myself.

I knew my parents were searching for their sinful son, so I got up and walked towards my house. The place was totally dark. I could see the fireflies spreading their intermittent light everywhere. I wanted to catch them and put them inside a small jar to make a lamp made of shimmering fireflies, like I did before, but they were avoiding me too.

I eventually arrived at home. The silhouette of my house on the ground could be seen. The moon was shining brightly above, whereas the stars were too far away, and I knew they didn't want to be near me. I say that having me near them would only make them lose their beauty as I would infect them with unforgivable sins. Even the door of my house wouldn't let me enter, so I knocked several times, then it cried out of terror.

"Where have you been?" mother inquired, concerned."It's already evening, but why are you still outside?"

"From the prairie," I explained.

I was confused if there was something wrong that they had locked the door of our house. Maybe they had forgotten that they had a handsome son and they didn't care or worry about him anymore.

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"And what did you do there? Come in, it's dangerous outside."

Dangerous? What does she mean? There was a big question mark in my brain. I got inside the house and sat down on the stool beside my mother. My father walked towards us. I was curious why he was looking at me, and his eyes were lashing like a stormy sea.

"Where did that boy go?" He asked. "Does he not know that there was someone causing danger outside while he was still strolling?"

"Maybe he does not know about the recent happenings in our town, but you don't need to be mad at him," the mother defended. "Let's tell him about it in a calm way."

"That's again, he won't listen if you say it gently. You must warn him now, else we don't know where to pick him up."

"Um, son." My mother called my attention, so I looked at her. "Please don't go outside again, especially at night."

"Huh? Why?" I queried. "Is there something wrong?"

"There's someone killing people in our town!" Father remarked

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Motherfucker! Perhaps they've already heard about the females I murdered. Another said that we knew who we were and did not know what we might be. But I didn't even know who I really was.

"We heard that there were two women found lifeless in the street. What a terrible death they got!" mother exclaimed.

"What a merciless person who killed those innocent women!" Father added "Bestial was the one who would kill them!"

"Their families are surely lamenting at this time."

"The killer must be caught earlier, or else there will be many innocent people who will experience what happened to them."

"Oh son! Why are you lulled? Is there something wrong?" My mother looked at my eyes. "Are you crying?"

"No, I'm not. It's only dust that entered my eyes." I lied while transferring my sight to my pair of rubber blue slippers.

I knew that if I could hear those words again, I could totally lose my sanity. "You killed them! You killed them!" The words something or someone screamed beside my ears, or that might be me.