The Rules of Dating

Now for the moment of truth. With Saylor occupied for a rare Saturday, I picked up my phone and tapped out a text to Billie.

Colby: Up for our first undate today?

She texted back almost immediately.

Billie: What did you have in mind?

I chuckled as I responded.

Colby: I thought we established the other day that it was dangerous to ask what’s on my mind… But if you’re referring to my plans, I’m heading to IKEA and wanted to know if you’d like to join. We have an empty apartment we just renovated, and we’re experimenting with leasing it furnished as an Airbnb. I’m in charge of getting it ready. So I need to pick up a bunch of housewares, stuff like glasses and utensils.

Billie: Mmm…I do love the Swedish meatballs from IKEA. When are you going? I made plans to take a kickboxing class at one o’clock. A friend of mine is holding a free trial group lesson to drum up some new clients.

I’d taken boxing classes growing up and was pretty good at it. I thought there might be an opportunity to show off a little, so I extended an invitation to myself.

Colby: Mind if I join you? I’ve been looking for a fun way to get some exercise. Running and lifting weights is pretty boring. Maybe we could do a double undate and hit IKEA after?

Billie: Sure. Taylor would love that. The more the merrier. Can you meet me at the gym? I have some errands to run beforehand. I can send you a link to the address.

Colby: Sounds good. Looking forward to it.

I’d never admit it to anyone, especially not my buddies, but I worked out before I left for the kickboxing class. If there was a chance to take off my shirt, I wanted to look as cut as possible. I did a hundred sit-ups and almost as many curls to pump up my biceps before heading to the address she’d sent me.

I’d thought I was looking pretty good…until I got a glimpse of the guy setting up mats at the front of the room when I walked in. He had on baggy white pants like you wear for karate and no shirt. I was fit, but this dude made me look frail. I have no fucking idea why, but somehow I knew he could make his pecs dance to the rhythm of music as a party trick. That thought made me frown, as did remembering the forty minutes I’d wasted exercising before coming here. There was no way in hell I was taking off my shirt anywhere in the vicinity of Mr. Universe.

But I found a reason to smile anyway when I saw Billie waving. She had on a cropped top and a pair of shorts, and although I loved those corsets, I wasn’t missing them at all at the moment.

“Hey. You made it,” she said.

“Yeah, the location actually worked out well. I borrowed Owen’s car and drove so we’d have a way to get the stuff from IKEA home after we’re done. And my parents only live a few blocks away, so I dropped Saylor there. They usually come by our place one or two Saturdays a month to spend time with her while I catch up on errands and stuff. She was excited to go to their place for a change.”

“Oh, that’s great.” She motioned to the other side of the room. “Come on, I’m over here.”

I followed and dropped the duffle bag I’d brought on the ground next to hers.

“It’s great that Saylor’s grandparents are so involved in her life,” she said as she stretched a little.

“Yeah, my parents are pretty amazing with her. They moved from Pennsylvania, where I grew up, to New York to be closer to me after Saylor was born. My mom would babysit all weekend, every weekend, if I let her. But since I’m not around ten hours a day for work, I try to put in quality time on Saturdays and Sundays. I usually take her out to see different things in the city on at least one day, unless the weather is bad. Believe it or not, she loves checking out libraries the most.”

Billie smiled. “Saylor’s growing up with such a healthy male role model. Being a woman, I can’t express how important that is. My mom was only nineteen when she had me. My dad was twenty-five and married to another woman when Mom found out she was pregnant.”

“No shit?”

She nodded. “Even more fun than that, his wife was already two months pregnant when my mom got pregnant. So I have a half-sister who’s only eight weeks older than me.”

“Wow. How did that play out growing up?”

“Welp, my dad had no real interest in getting to know me. When he’d first gotten together with my mom, he’d told her he was in the middle of a divorce, and she believed him. But as far as I know, he’s still married to the same woman all these years later.”

“Damn.” I shook my head.

“Yeah, it really changed the course of Mom’s life. After that, she dated once in a while, but I don’t think she ever trusted a man enough to get into a serious relationship. It’s funny, I pride myself on being nothing like her, yet I pretty much did the same thing—fell for a guy who screwed me over and lost all trust in men.”

I tapped my chest. “Present company excluded, I hope.”

“I think the jury is still out on that. I’ve heard about your playboy ways, you know.”

My eyes narrowed. “What are you talking about?”

“Holden likes to gossip while getting tattooed.”

Seriously? What the fuck. Why the hell would Holden tell her shit like that, true or not? I was going to kill his grungy ass when I got home. I frowned. “I’m not like that anymore, Billie. Having Saylor brought me a whole new perspective. Now I think to myself, would I want some dude treating my girl that way?”

“I do believe you’ve changed a lot. I didn’t mean to put you down. I was mostly teasing, anyway.”

Mostly. Great.

Our conversation paused when the buff guy walked over. He opened his arms and smiled at Billie. “You made it!”

She stepped into a hug, and the dude lifted her into the air and spun her around. Clearly, he did not feel intimidated by the man standing next to her.

“You’re squishing me, Taylor!” Billie squealed while laughing.

Great, this guy is Taylor. By the name, I’d assumed the instructor wasn’t a man. Now I had to endure a whole hour of the woman I came to impress looking at that. Today’s date, or rather undate, had not started off as planned. In the first three minutes, Billie had told me she’d heard I was a playboy, and now Mr. Universe had her tits squished up against his ginormous pecs. Awesome. Just awesome.

The instructor set her back on her feet, but he kept his arm wrapped around her waist. “How are you, beautiful?”

“I’m good,” Billie said, motioning to me. “This is my friend, Colby.”

The guy extended his hand. “How you doing, Colby? Thanks for coming down today.”

I forced a smile. “Happy to be here.”

Taylor looked at his watch and thumbed toward the front of the room. “I gotta start class. I’ll talk to you more after, okay?”

Billie nodded. “Sounds good.”

After we did some stretches and warmed up, Taylor showed us some kickboxing moves. We practiced foot jabs and sidekicks, and then he told the class to pair up for some light sparring. I looked over at Billie. “Should we pair up with someone more our sizes?”

Billie put her hands on her hips. “Are you saying you don’t think I’m a match for you because you’re a foot taller than me?”

I chuckled and shrugged. “Kinda makes sense, doesn’t it?”

The instructor walked around the room, talking to all the pairs, and when he got to us, he put his arm around Billie’s shoulders again.

“I’ll take this little troublemaker.” He pointed to a guy in the back of the room. “Colby, why don’t you spar with that guy? It doesn’t look like he has a partner yet.”

Yeah, like I was letting him put his hands all over Billie. I shook my head. “It’s fine. I’ll stick with Billie. Don’t worry. I’ll go easy on her.”

Billie and Taylor looked at each other and burst out laughing. “You’re going to go easy on Billie?” he asked. “Tell me, does that mean Billie has to go easy on you?”

I shrugged. “Nah. She can take her best shot.”

Taylor patted my shoulder with a chuckle as he walked away. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you, friend.”

My brows drew together as I looked at Billie. “What was that all about?”

She held up her hands in the kickboxing stance the instructor had taught us. “Are you ready to fight, Lennon?”

The gleam in her eye should’ve told me I had no damn clue what I was in for. But I shrugged like an arrogant idiot. “I’m always ready.”

***

I rubbed my lower back as I killed the car’s engine in the IKEA parking lot. There was definitely going to be a bruise there. “I still can’t believe you didn’t tell me you had a damn black belt.”

Billie chuckled. “We tried to warn you, but you were too busy assuring me you wouldn’t hurt me. You know, because I’m so small and helpless.”

“I never said helpless.”

Billie opened the passenger door. “Come on, Wussy.”

I shook my head as I got out. Not only had I not landed a single shot on her, but Billie had flipped me over her shoulder like I was a damn rag doll. I’d gone from thinking I was going to impress her with my six-pack to being completely emasculated.

As we walked from the parking lot to the entrance, Billie couldn’t stop laughing. “I’ll tell you what,” she said. “You can push the cart. That’s a tough-guy job. It’ll make you feel more manly.”

“You know what will make me feel more manly? If you could reach up and pull my balls back down out of my body cavity. I’m pretty sure that’s where they’ve been hiding all afternoon.”

Billie yanked a shopping cart from a row of them and pushed it in my direction. “If you keep whining, I’m going to change your name from Wussy to something that rhymes with it and starts with a P.”

***

Crash!

Shit. Billie and I looked at each other. A devilish smirk spread across her face…and then she turned and bolted.

I looked around. The coast seemed clear, so I ran as fast as I could while pushing a heaping cart full of crap. For the last hour and a half, Billie had been picking things out and holding them up to show me. If I agreed, she chucked them over her shoulder for me to catch with the cart. I’d been zigging and zagging, trying to scoop up all the merchandise she threw as I followed her around—both of us laughing like school kids the entire time. That is, until I missed that last toss and a glass bowl shattered on the floor.

IKEA was a giant maze, and both of us kept running, turning left and then right, until we finally arrived in the warehouse portion of the store, which was right before the checkout line. Billie leaned over with her hands on her knees, huffing and puffing.

“I think we’re in the clear,” she said.

“Pretty sure I would’ve rather paid for the twelve-dollar bowl than make a run for it. This cart is so full, it almost tipped like ten times.”

She laughed. “Did we get everything we need?”

“I’m not sure. But we definitely bought a lot of shit we don’t need. Like I think we could have done without the motorized ice cream cone spinners. The tenant can lick their own ice cream.”

Billie grinned. “Those are for me and Saylor. They light up, too!”

I snorted. “Come on, let’s check out before I’m completely broke.”

While we loaded everything onto the conveyor belt, I lifted my chin toward the in-store restaurant located just after the cashier stations. “You still up for meatballs?”

“Uh…hello? It’s the only reason I came.”

I clutched my hand over my heart. “Oww, that hurts. And here I thought you came for the company.”

After we were all checked out, I wheeled the cart over to a table for two in the corner of the restaurant. “Why don’t you stay here with the stuff, and I’ll go get us some meatballs.”

“Okay. But can you get me a drink, too, please? I’m so thirsty.”

When I came back, I set two big plates of meatballs on the table.

“Did you forget the drinks?” Billie asked.

I grinned and lifted a finger. “Actually, I didn’t. I brought them.” My gym bag from earlier had been lying on the bottom shelf underneath the cart since we walked in. Taking it out, I unzipped and started to unpack. “Wine, madame?” I held a bottle of merlot over one arm, showing the label like a maître d’.

Billie cracked up. “You brought wine with you? I thought it was strange when you took your duffle bag into the store. But I figured maybe your wallet was in it and stuff.”

I shrugged. “What choice did I have? You won’t go out with me, so I have to make the best out of our undate at IKEA.” I unloaded two plastic wine glasses, white cloth napkins, and a candleholder with a red candle.

Billie picked up the candle and examined it before raising a brow. “A winter village scene?”

I shrugged. “They’re Christmas candles. I only had an hour to get out of the house with a four-year-old. Don’t judge.”

The looks we got from the people around us as we ate meatballs by candlelight were pretty comical. I was also pretty sure it was against the rules to have an open flame in IKEA, let alone an open bottle of wine, but evidently the people behind the counter hadn’t read the employee rule book to be certain. Either way, the smile on Billie’s face made it all worthwhile. After we were done eating, I blew out the candle and started to pack up.

“You know…” Billie shook her head. “I think you just snuck a date into our undate.”

I shoved the cork back into the top of the wine bottle and zippered it into my duffle. “I did not.”

She squinted at me. “I’m pretty sure you did. What’s the difference between what we just did and a date? We shared a candlelight meal with wine and cloth napkins.”

I leaned down and whispered in her ear. “The difference is, you don’t get to come at the end.”

When I pulled back, Billie’s jaw was hanging open. I freaking loved that she looked so affected. She swallowed. “Is that the way all your dates end?”

I shook my head back and forth slowly. “No, but it’s damn straight the way ours would.”

***

“Do you want me to drop you off at home?” I asked as we stopped at the first light.

Billie shook her head. “I have an appointment at the shop tonight. I don’t usually work Saturday evenings—that’s why I was off today—but one of my regulars moved to Florida and is only in town for the weekend. He asked if I could add something to the sleeve I did for him a while back. So if you’re going to your apartment, that works out great. If not, no biggie. You can leave me wherever. I’m sure you have to pick up Saylor.”

“I’m actually going to unload everything we bought at the apartment it’s going into before I pick her up. She’ll probably fall asleep on the drive back from my parents’, and I don’t want to have to wake her to do it later.”

She smiled. “So thoughtful. I don’t know too many men who put that much effort into planning ahead, and not just with Saylor—even today, for example. Our undate was really cute.”

I leaned toward her a little. “Any chance it earned me a real date?”

I’d been teasing, at least half teasing, but Billie’s face fell. “I’m sorry, Colby. Maybe doing this undate thing wasn’t a good idea. I’m laughing and having a good time with you while drinking wine and sharing a meal. It’s not fair of me to lead you on.”

I panicked. “I was joking, Billie.”

She didn’t look like she believed me. “Are you sure?”

“Positive. If my choices are being friends with you or nothing, I’ll take friends. You don’t have to worry about leading me on. I’m a big boy.” Though inside I felt pretty crushed. I guess all the fun today had gotten my hopes up a little. But I wasn’t about to let her know that because I didn’t want her to cut me off altogether. “You know what?” I said. “I don’t think I even want to go out with you anymore.”

“Oh really?”

I shrugged. “I mean, you can’t throw for shit, and I noticed those little drops of brown sauce from the meatballs you dribbled onto your shirt. You’re kinda not my type anyway.”

Billie smiled. “Yeah? So what exactly is your type?”

I looked over at her before returning my eyes to the road. “I like blondes. Really tall ones, at least six feet. And flat-chested, too. I can’t forget that.”

Billie chuckled. “Flat-chested, huh?”

I nodded. “Yup. The flatter the better. Give me a girl who looks like an ironing board any day of the week.”

“Well, I guess I’m really not your type then…”

“Nope.” I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel. “So you don’t have to worry about leading me on one bit. Actually, when you come too close, I kind of feel like I might catch the cooties.”

The ear-to-ear smile on Billie’s face made it worth lying through my teeth.

Too soon, we pulled up at the apartment. I double parked, and my platonic, not flat-chested friend helped me take all of the bags to the empty unit. After the last trip, Billie looked at the time on her phone. “I need to go get ready for my appointment, but I had a lot of fun today.”

I shoved my hands into my pockets. “Me, too. Let’s do it again soon.”

Billie nodded and pushed up on her toes to kiss my cheek. “Goodnight, Colby.”

I stayed firmly rooted in place as she walked to her store. When she got to the door, she stopped, but didn’t look back.

“Hey, Lennon?”

“Yeah?”

“Why are you watching my ass if I’m not your type?”

I chuckled as she swung the door open and disappeared inside.

Billie Holland was definitely not my type anymore. Because type referred to a group or variety of something you like. And these days, I didn’t want a variety. I only wanted one woman.