The Rules of Dating a Younger Man

The following Tuesday, it was my poker night with the guys. We always took turns hosting, and tonight Holden was in charge while his wife and daughter hung out with Billie over at Colby’s.

Holden arranged pizza boxes on his kitchen counter while Colby set up the table for our game. As always, he’d set up a fifth chair, which would remain empty in honor of Ryan, the fifth member of our crew. With the exception of my night out with Holden last weekend, I’d kept to myself lately, so it felt good to be here and away from my empty apartment.

Owen was the last to stroll in. He was the only one of the guys who’d moved out of our building after getting engaged. Between the new baby and his fiancée’s teenage siblings always being over, Owen had a lot going on. Whether he realized it or not, he probably needed the break tonight.

When we’d all assembled, Colby shuffled the cards and looked around the table. “How’s everybody doing?”

“Same.” Holden shrugged. “Handsome, charming, and hung as ever.”

Colby rolled his eyes. “How ’bout you, Owen? What’s new with you, dude?”

“Devyn and I are making progress with the wedding plans. Which reminds me, you guys need to go get fitted for your tuxes.”

I sighed. “Wasn’t it just yesterday that we got fitted for tuxes when Holden got married? Don’t they have our info on file?”

“Doesn’t work that way. They said you have to go in to get accurate measurements.”

“Who’s your best man, by the way?” Colby asked.

Owen smiled over at me. “Brayden, of course.”

My eyes widened. “I am? That’s news to me.”

Owen laughed. “You don’t sound thrilled.”

“It’s not that… You just never asked me.”

“What, do you need flowers and a quartet? Consider this me asking you.”

“I’m surprised, I guess.”

“Who else would it be?” He gestured to Colby and Holden. “These two assholes chose each other. They left us out. So, I choose you, Brayden.” He batted his eyelashes. “I choose you.”

“That’s so romantic,” I teased.

“You win by default,” Owen said.

“Gee, thanks. When you put it like that… You’re making me all emotional,” I said sarcastically.

“And therefore, you’d better pick me when you get married,” Owen noted.

That comment felt like a joke. I won’t be getting married. Not any time in the next decade, at least. I might’ve felt differently if you’d asked me a few months ago. But now? I was pretty damn bitter about love and marriage.

“I wouldn’t hold my breath on that one,” I told him.

Owen squinted. “Who else would you pick for your best man?”

“That’s not what I meant. I was referring to there being a wedding in the cards for me. Especially with my track record lately.”

Holden pointed his beer bottle toward me. “I think your track record is pretty damn good. He met this girl the other night, in fact. She’s basically begging to ride him this coming Saturday. Absolute sure bet. And he’s debating not doing it. Help your brother out here, because he’s going insane. Knock some sense into him.”

Colby turned to me. “You’re hesitating because of Alex? Dude, she’s gone. She closed the door. That’s the harsh reality. You owe her nothing.”

I looked down at my cards, mindlessly arranging them. “I didn’t say it was because of Alex.”

“You don’t need to say it.” Holden frowned. “Sadly, we all know it’s the truth.”

“Let’s get started with the game, please.” I took a long drink of my beer.

Thankfully, the guys did, in fact, turn their attention to the poker game at that point. The conversation drifted away from me, much to my relief.

I ended up the loser of the evening, which pretty much mirrored my place in the game of life compared to my buddies. With the three of them now settled, it put some unwanted pressure on me. But that was the thing about what I’d had with Alex—it had never felt like pressure. I’d wanted to settle down for the first time in my life. I’d never thought I’d feel that way about anyone. Heck, I would’ve even considered moving to Connecticut. That’s how bad I’d had it. Maybe I still did.

When I went over to the fridge to grab another beer, Owen followed me.

His voice was low. “You okay? You seem down, although I understand why. I thought I might be able to cheer you up with the best-man thing. Because seriously, you should be stoked about that—especially having to write a speech.” He winked.

“Don’t get your hopes up for anything eloquent. I feel like a chicken with its head cut off lately.” I cracked open the bottle. “But I’m good. Don’t worry about me. And thank you for asking me to be your best man. I’ll do my best not to fuck it up.”

“Feel free to go easy on me in your speech. I don’t need to be roasted.”

“Can’t make any promises.” I shrugged.

“So what’s with this new prospect Holden mentioned? Is she cute? What’s her deal?”

I took a drink of the beer. “Just someone I met out one night when Holden was playing. She’s going through a bad breakup, too, so we bonded a little. That’s about it.”

“You should force yourself to go, even if you don’t feel a hundred percent about it yet. You have nothing to lose.”

I sighed. “It’s hard for me to move on physically when my mind is still stuck on Alex. I know that’s unhealthy, and I’ll have to force it at some point, but it hasn’t felt natural yet.”

“I get it. When Devyn was dodging my efforts back in the beginning, I met up with Tarryn. I’ve mentioned her before, the realtor?” When I nodded, he continued. “She threw herself at me, offered me what was sure to be a great time. But even though Devyn and I weren’t together, I was so hung up on her that it still felt like cheating. So I get it.” He paused. “I mean, Alex was your first love basically, right?”

I pondered that. “Yeah. I had my first real love in my thirties, which is pretty damn pathetic.”

He shook his head. “No. What would be pathetic is never experiencing that feeling. At least you can say you did.”

With that, my mind went to Ryan. He hadn’t experienced that kind of love before he died. I supposed I should feel grateful. That reminded me of something my grandmother used to say. “Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.”

“However, it would’ve been nice if out of all of the people in the universe, the person I fell in love with wasn’t my ex’s stepmother.”

“Touché.” Owen laughed. “Not like you can choose who you fall in love with, though, right?” He sighed. “At some point, you’re going to have to pull the Band-Aid off and just fake it ’til you make it. You know?”

Holden approached. “Fake what?”

Owen turned to him. “Interest in women other than Alex.”

“The girl he met the other night is hot. He shouldn’t have to fake much.” Holden smacked me on the head. “Wake up!”

“You’re one to talk,” I snapped. “When you were into Lala—even back when she was still engaged—women were throwing themselves at you and you didn’t bite.”

Holden wriggled his brows. “Now I bite Lala whenever I want.”

Owen cringed. “Can you not talk about her like that?”

“She’s my wife. I’ll talk about her however I want.”

“Ryan might beg to differ,” Colby said as he joined us in the kitchen. “I still can’t believe you married his little sister. If he were alive, I’m convinced he would’ve beaten your ass over it at least once.”

“We would all have been front and center for that one,” Owen added.

With the subject momentarily elsewhere, I tried to go back to the table, but Owen stopped me. “Hey, we’re not done here. You gonna accept that date with what’s-her-name or what?”

“Her name is Lacey. And I haven’t decided yet.”

“He has until Saturday.” Holden chuckled.

Colby patted me on the shoulder. “Well, my vote is to go for it. It’s been long enough.”

“I know everyone’s feelings on the matter, thanks.”

Just then Lala entered, carrying Hope. “Is the game still going on? Are we back too soon?”

“Game is over, and it’s never too soon, baby. I missed you guys.” Holden kissed Lala’s cheek and the top of Hope’s head.

Lala handed the baby to Holden and walked straight over to me. “What’s going on, Brayden? I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

“I’ve been busy. It’s good to see you, though, Lala.”

“Busy is code for moping,” Holden cracked.

I glared at him.

She flashed me a sympathetic smile. “I heard about…everything that happened with that woman from the project upstate. Billie and I were just talking about it, actually.”

I rolled my eyes. “Great.”

“Nothing bad.” She chuckled. “We were saying life has some crazy twists and turns.” She looked around the room. “Each of you guys has had crazy things happen when it comes to women, but you all came out on the other side. You won’t be any different, Bray.”

Holden arched a brow. “What did I have happen that was crazy?”

“I’m your crazy.” She winked. “But I mean, look at the way Devyn and Owen met, for example. They had a one-night stand, and he didn’t even know she lived in the damn building. Crazy coincidences do happen.” She looked at me. “Although, your coincidence was something else.”

“Pretty sure my coincidence takes the cake.”

Lala leaned against the counter and crossed her arms. “Well, if you’d known you’d dated her daughter, you never would’ve pursued Alex. In some ways, it’s kind of nice that you didn’t know, as hard as it was to find out the truth. Because I think this whole experience has really helped you grow as a person, Brayden. You’re like a big brother to me. I’ve known you for a long time, and honestly, out of all of the guys, I thought you were the least likely to settle down, to fall in love. You proved me wrong.”

I pointed to Holden. “Pretty sure your husband was the least likely to settle down for a long while.”

She smiled. “That’s what it looked like on the surface, but I think even Holden was more open to love than you. But you’re a changed man now. Consider the Alex thing as a learning experience. Whoever gets you next might actually have a chance they didn’t before. Now you know what it’s like to form a connection with someone.”

“Well, I appreciate your insight, Lala. But I feel no more ready for a relationship than I did before. If anything, I’m more hesitant to have my heart broken like this ever again.”

“You can’t see it, but you did grow from this,” she insisted.

It was hard to see the bright side of any scenario that didn’t involve Alex and me together. Growing and maturing for some nameless, faceless woman I hadn’t met yet brought me no comfort.

Holden laughed. “You’re trying to get him to recognize his emotional maturity, and I’m just trying to get him laid. He has an opportunity this weekend. You should be encouraging him to take it. That’s what he needs to get over things. Forget love right now.”

Her face lit up. “Oh, you have a date?”

I shook my head. “I haven’t said yes yet.”

“She asked you out? Confident girl.”

“Yeah. She’s great, but…”

Her eyes widened. “You’re making her wait for a response?”

“I don’t want to mess with her if I’m not serious.”

Lala smacked the counter. “See? I told you. The old Brayden wouldn’t have thought that way. You wouldn’t have cared if you used her for sex. You have totally matured, Brayden. This is proof.”

I sighed. Maybe I had matured. But what good was maturing and being ready for a relationship when the one person you wanted that with was gone?

***

A little while later, I went back to my apartment no clearer on whether to take Lacey up on her offer, despite the well-meaning encouragement of my friends.

I took a shower before bed, and as the warm water rained down on me, I closed my eyes and thought about her—not Lacey, of course. That would have been too good to be true. Alex consumed my mind. My dick grew hard the moment I conjured the memory of fucking her against the wall. The two times we’d had sex in Seneca Falls were very different experiences—the first angry and frantic, the second slow and emotional. The second was goodbye. We’d both known it. That would always be bittersweet.

I usually tried not to think about the sex. It was too damn painful. But moments like this, alone in the shower, my body aching for her, the memories came flooding back. When Alex had come to my hotel room that night, it was the last thing I’d expected. I’d never forget that shock. There were many things I’d never forget—the look of hunger in her eyes when she’d told me she wanted to know what it was like to fuck me, the urgency I felt to take her right then and there. I’d never forget how wet she was as I sank into her, as if she’d been aroused before she came to see me—the way her beautiful blond hair felt in my hands as I fisted it, her incredible smell, the sounds she made. God, I missed her. Not only because my body needed her, but because she was the only person who made me feel whole.

I’d always avoided thinking about my mother in the context of Alex. While some had said my attraction to an older woman had something to do with my mother’s abandonment when I was younger, I knew that wasn’t true. It wasn’t like I’d gravitated toward older women my whole life. I was drawn to Alex because of her. Not her age. Fuck, I still didn’t know her actual age because she never told me, nor had I tried to look it up online. Nothing had ever mattered less to me. But age aside, it was true that Alex had made me feel wanted in a way I’d been missing. Perhaps that was the only connection to my mother, that she’d given me back something I’d lost a long time ago.

After my shower, I lay in bed, scrolling on my phone. A while back, Alex’s friend Wells had found me on Instagram and followed me, so I’d followed him back. In retrospect, that was a big mistake, as right now, I wished I was looking at anything other than his post. Staring me in the face was a photo of Alex. Not only did she look hot as hell, but the man next to her had his arm around her. They were sitting next to Wells and his boyfriend. I might’ve tried to convince myself that the guy was one of Wells’s gay friends were it not for the caption:

Double date with these two.

Fuck. Double date?

She’s on a date.

Not that I hadn’t expected her to move on… I swallowed, still staring down at the photo. Alex wore bright red lipstick and a fitted black dress that hugged her beautiful breasts perfectly. She looked absolutely stunning.

Why did I have to see this tonight?

Maybe it was a good thing.

Maybe this was exactly what I needed to move on and accept that date with Lacey on Saturday.

My stomach felt unsettled. I unfollowed Wells. It took me several minutes, though, before I could force myself to move past the post. But once I did, before I could change my mind, I texted Lacey.

Brayden: We’re on for Saturday night.

That should have felt good, but it didn’t. It felt like a desperate act, trying to forget something that would gnaw at me for days to come.

A few minutes later, she responded.

Lacey: Awesome. I can’t wait to see you again.