The Raven & The Wolf

Chapter Forty

Stanya giggles while she drags me outside. “I don’t think you can pretend you don’t remember anymore.”

I shake my head. “That was a waste of an emotional rollercoaster.”

“Are you going to tell him?” Stanya asks, putting her head against mine. The rain is still pouring, but using my new power partner, I push the wet away from us, drying the earth temporarily and keeping us shielded from the rain.

“Maybe. At this point, I just need a moment to figure everything out.”

“It’s been a rough day,” she says, agreeing. “How are you handling everything as well as you are?”

“I’m just doing what Brin said. Roll with it until you have time to cry about it later.”

“Which is why you want to be alone,” Stanya says, playfully nudging me while we walk up the stairs.

“I would love to be left alone,” I say quickly.

“Too bad. I’m serious about this. I don’t want you to be left alone. Especially if those Fates are already treating us like this.”

“But then I have to live with a boy,” I whine.

“Yes, but a cute boy.”

“Maybe he’ll forget about what you said.”

“That boy is head over heels in love with you. He’s not going to miss that chance.”

“Well he’s distracted by his mother, so he might.” I say to her as we walk up the stairs.

“Tell you what, if he forgets, you can spend the rest of the time we’re here in your own room.”

I roll my eyes. “They’re not going to trigger an overload.”

“Says the girl they just spiritually kidnapped and whose body was just used as a hostage.”

“They got what they wanted out of me, so they don’t have a reason to do that again.”

“Still, I’ll expect them to try to drown you just to get even with you.”

I meet her smirk with an even one of my own. “Trying to help my love life, are we?”

“More like keeping someone around you so I can work on my own love life.”

I chuckle. “As long as this is coming from a selfish place, I’ll allow it.” I peck her cheek and walk to my bedroom, grateful Drew might let me get away with another night with being alone…Okay, maybe my first night alone.

As soon as the door closes, I slouch into it and slide to the ground. A crushing weight lands on my chest as I try to breathe. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I can’t even figure out how to think. The only thing I can do is try to breathe as I cry, desperate to feel something solid underneath me, not on top of me for once. Numbly, I lock the door and undress, desperate to find some form of weightlessness.

I step into the bathwater and sit, letting the water stop just below my breasts to keep my stitches dry. I pull my knees to my chest and start crying, still unable to properly breathe. I hate this mortal injury. I just want to free float. It’s the only thing that normally works when I start having panic attacks this bad.

A knock comes from the door, startling me; making me start crying harder. I can’t let them see me like this. I can’t. I’m Natasha. I can’t be phased by this. I was raised for this. I was groomed to come over this exact thing. There also isn’t a thing I can do about it.

“Natasha, open the door.” Gedric tells me, making my breath come in sharper. Panic is setting in, locking down every muscle in my body. The water begins to glow green, sensing my distress and making it begin to bubble. My magic hasn’t touched the water yet, but it is strongly influencing it. If I can’t get out of here soon, I’ll be in trouble.

“Nat!” Gedric yells, breaking down the door. “Nat!” He yells, racing over to me. He dives into the water and touches either side of my face. “Natasha, look at me. Look at me,” he tells me. My eyes focus on his. He keeps his face relaxed as he speaks in a soothing tone. “I need you to breathe. Out your nose and in your mouth. Please follow me. In and out.” He tells me, demonstrating for me. “Please Nat.”

I force a breath out through my nose, and breathe in through my mouth. I repeat as he does, following his example, and keeping my mind on that simple movement for several minutes. Soon the bubbles start to retreat and the color in the water begins to fade.

“That’s my girl,” he tells me soothingly. “That’s very good Nat.” He lifts me out of the water and cradles me into his chest, while he gets out of the bathing pool and carries me to the bed. After he lays me down gently he quickly covers me up. He lays down next to me to face me after closing and relocking the door.

He puts his forehead to mine while I try to calm down. “Today was a bit too much for you, wasn’t it?”

I nod, unable to find my voice.

“Did you try to take a bath to help with your panic attacks?”

Again, I nod.

“Okay, now I know what you were thinking.” He strokes my hair, trying to calm me. “You’re not doing this alone Nat. I’m here for you. I’ve always got you. You just have to let me in sometimes, and not just Stanya.”

I shake my head, guilt starting to take over.

“Why can’t you trust me? Why do you feel like this?” He asks, sensing my emotional pain.

“Because I don’t deserve your trust.” I blubber, crying into his chest.

“Why?”

“Because I remembered, and I didn’t tell you.”

He stiffens. “Is that why you were particularly insane this morning?”

I nod into his chest, trying to dislodge this growing ache in my lungs.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I couldn’t let what happened to Articus’s family happen to you, so I had to play dumb. I wanted to tell you. I was desperate to tell you, but I couldn’t. Not without offering your head to the Fates on a silver platter.”

“You were trying to protect me?”

“Yes,” I say, desperate for him to understand. “Please tell me you understand.” I push myself closer to him, my anxiety hitting an all time high. I’m a complete psychotic mess right now, and I’m honestly surprised I hadn’t snapped sooner.

He pushes himself away from me. “I think it’s best you go to bed Natasha.”

“Gedric,” I beg, trying to get closer to him again. “Please.”

“Elder Natasha, you are an Elder, act like one.” He tells me harshly, making me remember myself and causing my heart to instantly shatter.

Definitely sensing I’m on the verge of my emotions controlling my actions to the point of lunacy, I deaden them immediately. My voice comes out cold as I distance myself from him. “You’re right Gedric. I apologize for forgetting myself. Thank you for helping me earlier, but I will be alright now. You may go.”

“Nat-”

“Go,” I tell him in a firm tone, cutting him off.

Slowly he gets off of the bed and walks to the far end of the darken room. “I’ll be asleep on the couch if you need me.”

“I’m sure that won’t be necessary.”

The next morning I wake up just as the sun is rising, determined to get out of there before anyone wakes up. Completely naked, I break into Stanya’s room, finding her sleeping alone. I’ll have to ask about that when she’s up, and I really must get my clothes out of her room. Silently I dress in a dark green top that sweeps up between my shoulder blades, cutting off two inches just below them. I chose this top in particular since there will be no fabric covering my already abused stitches. I’m sure there is another lecture from Drew just waiting for me. I pull on black leggings as well, and a pair of fake leather boots over them.

After running a brush through my hair as best I can, I twist it and pull it to the side in a side ponytail before carefully dawning my ever present sling. When I go downstairs to leave, I see the night desk attendant asleep. Good thing the only travelers they get here, are mainly other Forest Folk. While the town still sleeps in on a morning where it’s not fully raining, I walk down to the sweathouses.

Since I’m starting to realize I’ll never have privacy while staying in Frostula, I carefully lock the door with just a small tinge of magic. Then I cover the floor in a spell that prevents tracking. Once that is complete, and I make sure my spell is nowhere near me, I close my eyes as I begin to meditate.

It isn’t long before I give up though. I’m still quite unsettled after last night’s events. I behaved like a complete lunatic, and I’m ninety percent sure I scared Gedric off for good. I think that’s the hardest freakout moment since my Ari feared overload days.

Honestly, I’m not putting too much blame on myself on this one. I’ve been forced to keep moving with every little thing thrown at me, and accept every lecture over every action I have taken for far too long without truly being myself. Screw being myself. It’s all been without truly being allowed to feel how I feel about it. I just do it. That is all. Accept and move on. Accept and move on. I don’t even remember the last time I was able to breathe without being filled with so much stress.

Truthfully, I’ve been so absorbed by the Fates, I’ve nearly forgotten about Ari. Now if that was their design or not, I don’t truly know. At this point, I don’t care. I can’t keep thinking about them. I refuse to let them rule my life. My goal has always been to reach my Masteries, and to destroy Ari for killing so many Sheika, Forest Folk, Illusionists, and my family. If I die and serve the Fates for the rest of my days after I defeat Ari, I’ll call that a win. As long as that sack of pure evil is removed from this earth, I can die happy. I’m okay with that.

Now all I just need to do, is figure out how much power Ari exactly gained when he found and stole my stones. I know it’s a lot. I still hate that I had to cower and hide from him. Then again, with no magic, and a shattered shoulder blade, what else was I supposed to do. He may have gained some ground in our little battle that day, but I lived to fight another day. If I hadn’t, I never would have found out that I could use the earth’s filter. It was accidental, but it still counts in the long run.

Okay, first things first. Get the boys trained, and teach Stanya earth magic so I can be less reliant on Gedric. Meanwhile, I need to train in this filter whatever it is thing. I must not forget to go and study. Research has always been so boring to me, but at this point in the game, it’s vital to know your enemies.

At this point, I close my eyes and just try to relax. I finally have a moments peace where I’m not being looked for. They’re all asleep right now, so I have time to think. I have my plan to beat the Fates, now I just need a backup plan if it goes awry. That’s going to be hard since the Fates are possibly the oldest living things inside of the universe. Maybe they’re like me, and are over cocky. Actually, they’re exactly like that, while also being assholes. I’m still not going to plan on it though.

I sink further against the wall as I think, finding some comfort in a growing plan. Maybe, just maybe, I can make it out of this thing alive. Now I just need to find the loophole in my words. That’s easy enough for me to say. I don’t technically have to be there when this fight takes place. I said if Ari. I didn’t say I had to be the one to beat him. They could hold my soul hostage until they fight Ari, almost guaranteeing that Ari wins.

I say almost because I know those three can do it. I just don’t know if they’ll be ready to do whatever is necessary to see to it that they’re able to fully defeat him. Maybe I should incorporate some independence in their training. No, I think that maybe is going to have to be a definitely.