The Purge

“She doesn’t wear her death wounds like other ghosts do. They say her throat was cut, and this girl’s throat is long and white. But there is the dress. It’s wet, and red, and constantly moving. It drips onto the ground.”

~Anna Dressed in Blood; Kendare Blake

We were given the time to lament on the fallen.

Corpses were lined in a single row ready to be burned. Their ashes will be scattered throughout the land to serve as a reminder of their valor and to cultivate the new earth.

I am glad that Fygun is safe and alive. His Sentinel was half destroyed but he came back to me as promised. But I don’t know what must be kept. What must I feel? What must I do? Every time I look around me, I feel responsible for their lives. And then I’d look down at my hands and see the invisible truth that was weighing me in. If I open my mouth to tell the truth, people will die. If I don’t say anything, people will still die. I wanted to be strong. But in order to do that, I must set aside my own feelings no matter how hard it is.

I ordered my army to use both of their skills in the Trials. Fighting with our stigmas is necessary but I don’t want them to depend on it. There will be zones in the Trials that will null our stigmas so we’ll have to depend on our physical strengths.

As the Dark Hour approaches I felt humanity’s hope flicker. It’s as useless as I thought. I don’t know what the aliens want from us. Why do they want to kill us? Thinking about my kind being butchered even after death had made my heart run cold. We were fighting for the humans but the humans weren’t fighting for us. The Inception Trials were meant to eliminate us, not to make us strong and ready. The Dark Hour was a decoy of the Republic’s betrayal to us. The Dark Hour meant to sell us out to the aliens. The Dark Hour will take us all until the next75 years Addonexus will be born. And then, they would feed them to the beasts. The Republic’s inhumane cycle.

I don’t want to die without trying. I don’t want to die without fighting. We enter every day into a different Trial. Sometimes, it’s in the woods, sometimes an abandoned city or a village, and mostly dust lands. Places that will haunt Addonexus in their memories. Places that will easily terminate Addonexus.

“They are shiting us.” Athren said as we made our way to our headquarters after the last Trial. We walked side by side as Con went ahead of us and Sig and Halley behind him. I think it’s better this way. The more far he is from me, the more the unearthly feelings I have will disappear. He will be safe from me.

I turned my attention back to Athren who looked like he still wanted to slice something. The last dimension we had was a dojo. Something might have triggered in his memories that had made him act like this. Athren was never the kind who opens up his own feelings aside from his own opinions.

“I don’t want to die in these games, Bri.” He continued. “If they meant us to fight bigger adversaries, they should have let us out. They are wasting too many lives already. Today we lost three good armies. This can’t go on. If the Dark Hour comes we’d be done for. Tuna for their sandwich.”

I can only look down at my feet. I don’t want to look at his eyes and have him realize that I know the truth. He’s my best friend and even though we don’t admit it to each other I know he feels the same way. I know him well enough to understand that the last Inception had bothered him. I can still see the dojo haunting his eyes.

“I want to get out of here and finish them off.” He said through gritted teeth as his eyes narrowed at the space ahead of us. “Every single one of them.”

“Anger is a twin brother of vengeance. Combine them and they make one sharp sword.” I said. “Just make sure you don’t stab yourself right back.”

He snapped me a look and it took me just enough seconds to suppress the urge to flinch. “I thought we’re on the same boat. That of all people you would understand.”

“Because we suffered the same losses?” I asked. When he looked away I released the tension out in the air. “Maybe we are and we aren’t.”

“My family wasn’t much of a waste than yours.” He said. “I just want this war to end so that I can start over.”

“We all want that, don’t we?” I felt my eyes drowse off. Hours of Trials had finally caught up with me. I smiled weakly at him. “Well at least you didn’t see your family murdered in front of you.”

“Sometimes, I wish I did. It’s better than being sold.” He returns me back the same smile I saw from him when I met him. Strong but painful. “Sacrifices and sufferings never meant to make a stronger soldier out of a person. It made them better liars.”

I meant to reach out to Athren but I let him go. I know in my heart that he was right. Everything that had caused me sufferings had not made me strong. It had made me a traitor and a liar.

I headed straight to the shower room where I know the water will rinse the tiredness of the day. If only it could wash away the guilt I was feeling too. How many lives will I have to lose in order to protect the ones I cared the most? Sometimes sacrifices are equal to more loses.

I stepped in the shower. I let the warm water hit my body like a wave of comfort. I was glad I was alone. I could cry on my own never hearing people ask why and never had to answer and lie. I could be weak for a brief moment. I could be a child.

A child.

I tried to picture myself in my soldiers’ shoes. The Trance had enabled me to take a peek at their lives. Halley training hard in a boxing arena. Her small hands battered with bruises. A man stood in the shadows, his arms crossed as he watched her with fervent eyes; Sigourney danced in her room. She faced the mirror and admired herself. She rushed downstairs to a crowd where she thought she would belong. But she was lost. People see the little monster hiding under her beautiful gown; Athren was in front of a wrecked RV. People from the orient came over to him. They’ve adopted him and raised him in a dojo; Conleth was playing magic tricks with his brother. He doesn’t see the man looking far across the yard. He was forced into the amphibian. He tried to break free but the G.Is shot his brother in the head.

So many unknown stories and yet lives were connected by one comet.

I tried to give myself a flash back of my life. I was happy with my family. And then the commotion, the gunshots, and my parents blood on the ground.

I braced my hand on the wall. Silent tears fell down my eyes as I listen to my mother’s cry inside my head. It’s been years and yet the wounds still felt fresh. They never truly healed.

The silence was disturbed by the sudden clatter of things in the background. My thoughts immediately scattered.

“Halley? Sigourney?” I called out. But the room remained silent. I closed the shower and wrapped myself in a towel. I tentatively went out of the cubicle and I searched for anyone in the room.

There was no response. I could only hear my heartbeat.

I was suddenly brought back to the memories I had when I was a kid. I was scared again. I hid under my bed when I heard their footsteps. Only this time, there’s no bed for me to hide.

One by one, the showers opened out of their volition. Someone was in the room with me. I can feel its presence. It started to show itself in the foggy mirrors.

You shouldn’t have been born.

I heard my brother say. Upon hearing his voice, my body stood frozen. When I thought I was brave enough, I was too weak to face him.

I turned back to the mirror and I saw his terrifying face grinning at me. He’s my brother but at the same time, he is not. Something’s wrong with him. His grin was too wide, his skin was too pale, and his eyes were too big and dark that I could barely see the whites.

“Monster.” He said in a voice that didn’t belong to him. This is just a figment of my fear. “Killer.” This isn’t real. My brother is not here. He is gone.

“Stop.” I gritted my teeth as I glowered at the grinning face in the mirror. It started to shake.

Monster. Killer. Monster. Killer. Monster. Killer. Monster. Killer. Monster. Killer. Monster. Killer.

I pressed my hands on my ears. I wanted the words to stop. I wanted him to stop.

“Stop.” I whispered. Monster. Killer. I gripped on my wet hair. “Stop.” Monster. Killer. The lights began to flicker. “Stop.” Monster. Killer. The room shook. “I am not a monster. I am not a killer. And I will never be like you!” I shouted and the room shattered.

I crouched on the cold, wet floor, clinging to myself. Tears started to fill my eyes and they fell on the floor, mixing along with the color of my blood. Broken pieces of glass scattered around me. Each of them bore the face of my brother.

You are just like them. Just like me. And no matter what you do, no matter where you hide. They will find you. They will kill you.

I crumpled into a ball and I wept until the darkness took me in.