the ordeal of being known

Layla

The ten days quickly flew past them, and she found herself attending another game. She was alone this time. Celia and Onika were too busy to attend. She didn’t mind.

Jess had asked her to come early. Layla liked that he asked her to. She liked how it felt to be needed like this. She went pretty early before the game because Jess had forgotten his phone in his haste to go before traffic got worse.

Layla had stopped at their apartment and she was almost there. Kione gave her a lot of directions and said that they’ll just know to let her through. She didn’t know who they were, but she was there and he was right, no one stopped her. There was some noise from outside, a few people preferred to be there early, there were also a few people trying out fireworks for later.

She bumped into a tall figure. It was Kione. His teammates were behind him. They looked like they had just gone out of the locker room, but she couldn’t find Jess anywhere. Someone let out a long whistle. Kione threw the ball with a little force at him.

“You need to work on those wandering eyes,” he told him. He was actively hiding her with his bigger frame.

“Where is Jess?” she asked him. The team went to wherever they were heading.

“He’s still in the locker room. He was showering when we left.”

“Shouldn’t he be with the rest of the team?”

“He should, but he told coach he was feeling a little anxious, so he needed to do some breathing exercises so he’s been excused from hearing my amazing speech.”

“Where do I put his phone?”

“Just go to the locker room. I think he’s probably done by now.”

He gave her directions. She followed them and knocked on the door. There was no answer. She opened the door.

“Jess?” She could hear running water. She called out a little louder again to get him to come out, but he didn’t. Her heartbeat spiked up as she contemplated taking a step forward and checking on him.

He was naked there. Despite already seeing him in that state she hesitated.

“Jess. I’m coming closer. If you don’t want me to, turn the water off.”

The water didn’t stop. She walked forward and saw a figure sitting on the floor, hunched over with his hand on his ears. He was swaying back and forth.

“Jess?” He didn’t look up. Jess would never avoid looking at her like this. Her heart dropped so fast. She knew something was wrong. She turned the water off and knelt.

“Hey, hey what happened?” She tried to hide how much her voice was shaking, but it didn’t work and even her fear didn’t make him look up at her.

She slowly touched his hand. She stopped him from swaying.

“Jess, do you want to write instead?” she asked desperately to get him to say anything. She didn’t know what to do. Jess wouldn’t sign, he wouldn’t write. She thought about calling Kione, but they had just been together. Could Jess have purposely held back from looking too stressed in front of his friend?

Layla wrapped her arms around his neck and brought her body closer to his. Jess’s arms didn’t wrap around her. Instead, they stayed at his sides. She tightened her arms, but he started panting, taking fast breaths.

She tried to think of a way to distract him, to help him calm his breathing. She took out her phone, remembering the time Jess told her that he had a list he called ‘word of the day’ words and their meanings. He sent her the list when he was telling her how sometimes he used the words when he wasn’t feeling creative just to be able to write at least something. He would use it to build a random scene and he would find a way to use the word in a poetic way, as he said.

“Okay, okay. You don’t have to sign or talk to me, but listen. I’m going to show you a word, I’ll hide the meaning and then I’ll show the meanings separately and you have to match them, okay? Just point at what you think is the right answer,” she said quickly.

The first word was gheegle. Layla showed him multiple meanings, and he slowly pointed at the right one.

Next was serein. Again, he pointed at the right meaning; he had a good memory. His breathing was starting to slow. He didn’t look so yellow, so Layla kept going quickly.

The last one was wonderwall.

Jess didn’t wait for her to show him, he just pointed at her.

Wonderwall: someone you find yourself thinking about all the time, a person you are completely infatuated with.

Layla let out a shaky laugh. Jess paused, looking at her phone screen. When he saw the time, Jess sprinted up to get dressed, but his hands were still shaking. He wouldn’t talk. Layla stood there for a while after he ran out of the room. She was pretty sure she shouldn’t be there.

She went to take her seat. Her jeans had gotten wet, but she couldn’t care less. Her nerves were frayed, and they stayed like that the whole time she waited for the game to start.

That ended up being the worst performance in his career. Not only was he distracted by constantly looking around the court with a panicked expression, he had put Kione and Mateo off their game as well; they were visibly concerned and looked over at him every few minutes and it had distracted them.

It also ended up being their first loss. Layla had looked at the comments people left after. Despite performing remarkably in all their past games, the names that people called him were just so horrible she had Kione turn all of his comments off.

When the coach was done lecturing all three of them, she told Jess to follow her; he was still refusing to sign or write, so he gave a quick nod and got in his car. When they got to her place, it was dark, Jess took most of his clothes off and waited for her, when she got close to the bed, he pulled her down and wrapped his hands around her waist; he laid his head on her chest and went immediately to sleep.

Layla didn’t get any sleep that night.

A few hours later, when he woke, Layla was still lying on the bed. He looked even more exhausted now than when he did before he rested.

He wouldn’t meet her eyes. Her heart cracked a bit more at the slight embarrassment edged into his features.

“I was so worried,” she whispered. “I felt like I had no way to reach you, even your eyes. It’s like you weren’t here. I couldn’t read them. I can always read your eyes.”

“I’m sorry,” he signed. “There were fireworks earlier than usual. I heard them and I was caught off guard. I thought it was a gun. I should have expected it. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine now.”

She stared at him, affection so evident in her eyes.

He was constantly showing his affection. He spoke of his love very often; he took care of his people. He gave special gifts, even handmade ones sometimes. He was always around, always there to catch whoever fell, he was always pulling the people he loved into the comfort of his arms, and yet when he needed the comfort he so easily gave to other people, he sharply turned away and hid in an isolated corner until his terrified heart had no choice but to calm itself.

“I love you,” she told him as she touched him. She felt instant relief as the words left her. There was endless longing pouring out of the tips of her fingers. She had left a mark on him. She had kissed him back. It bared her to him in an unfamiliar manner, and she was so terrified. “It won’t pass. I know myself and you need to know that you would always be safe to react however you want to when you experience something like this, okay? You shouldn’t feel like you need to be perfect. I don’t need that. I don’t want it, okay? Please, Jess.”

He took her face in his hand and pulled her in for a much needed kiss, he did not want to tell Layla he loved her the same night he scared her so much she couldn’t sleep, he wanted her to have the memory of his love associated with a happier day.

“Tell you what.” He pulled back from her mouth, then kissed her forehead, her eyes, and her cheeks. “I’ll be your own personal canvas. I’ll let you paint on me right now, tattoo me. Whatever you want to do with my body, you have the green light.”

“This sounds really dirty,” she told him.

“I hope so.”

“Do not try to flirt your way out of serious discussions, Jess Reyes.”

“Unfortunately, I cannot function unless I do that.”

“I won’t refuse your offer,” she told him sternly. “Call your friends. Kione texted me fifty times, and he called me a witch and said I stole you to cast a spell.”

“I’m beginning to think you might have at some point.”

Jess had chosen the tattoo. She thought it was absolutely ridiculous, but Jess said he had never gotten the chance to do silly things like this when he was younger.,He was too busy being traumatized so he thought it was only fair that he did something that some people might consider a bad idea.

She had a desire to say yes to everything he wanted.

She got the equipment out and sterilized them. Layla was fairly new to tattooing, but she liked the process. It was calming; she had learned it while she was working a part-time job when she was younger and she loved seeing her art style on skin.

Once she put her gloves on and held the tattoo machine, Jess was lying on his back. His shirt was off and he was staring at her with so much lust, it sent a thrill down her spine.

“Is it weird I’m feeling hot and bothered right now?” he asked. Layla laughed, which pleased him very much. He always considered getting her to smile or laugh an accomplishment. I was never the funny one, he thought, but that doesn’t matter anymore. He was capable of making her laugh. That was enough.

Layla gave him a quick kiss on his mouth.

“You need to stop moving,” she told him, because for some reason he wiggled whenever she touched him.

“I’d feel better if you used a pet name on me right now. I’m in a lot of pain.”

“I haven’t even started yet.” When she did start, he kept trying to stop her to get a kiss.

“You are impossible.” She kissed him and then she started. The sound of buzzing was relaxing.

“Just one more,” he said for the seventh time. “It helps. It hurts. I need a kiss. Hurry before I pass out.”

“I just kissed you.”

“Every sting you cause me is worth five kisses, and it goes up every three minutes or so because of inflation.”

“Right. That makes sense.”

Layla finished it quickly. It was a simple tattoo. The skin was red when she was done; she took a step back and found herself loving how it looked.

Jess was beaming. He stood in front of the mirror; he seemed like the events of today were out of his mind for now. He grabbed her and kissed her senseless until she lost her breath.