SWNOVELS The Off Limits Rule: Chapter 1
I’m splayed out like a starfish ripped from the ocean and dried up on the carpet of my new bedroom. I’ve been here for an hour, watching the fan blades go round and round, thinking I could have turned on a show by now, but what’s the point anyway? My fan friends are just as entertaining as anything on TV these days. Besides, fan blades don’t fill you with romantic illusions about this crappy, crappy world and make you feel that you will get everything you’ve always wanted. No, Fanny, Fandrick, Fantasia, and Fandall don’t tell me I’ll get my happy ending in this life. They just—
“Oh my gosh.” The sound of my older brother’s voice pulls me out of my fan entertainment, and I roll my head to the side, squinting at his blurry figure filling my doorframe. “This is next-level pitiful, Luce.” Drew strides into my room, literally steps over my useless body covered in candy wrappers, and mercilessly rips back the curtains.
I hiss like a vampire that’s just been easily beaten in an overcomplicated plot when the light falls onto my body. Light was the key the whole time! My muscles are too puny and wasted away from my 48-hour feeling-sorry-for-myself binge to even throw my hand over my eyes. “Stop it, jerk. Close those and leave me be!”
He towers over me and shakes his head of brown hair like he can’t believe the pitiful excuse of a human I am. I peek up through my melancholy just enough to register that I should give him a trim soon. “Look at you. Your face is covered in chocolate, and you smell.”
“Rude. I never stink. I can go weeks without deodorant and still—” I lift my arm and wince when I get a whiff of myself. “Oh yeah, shoot, that’s bad.”
His brows are lifted, and he’s nodding his head with a humorless smile. “You need to get out of this room. I gave you a few days to pout that things didn’t turn out like you wanted, but now it’s time to get up and get moving.”
“I don’t pout.”
“Your lip is actually jutting out.”
I suck the offending lip back into my mouth and bite it. Drew extends his hand, and I take it, only because I really have to pee and not at all because I secretly know he’s right and I’ve wallowed long enough. When my world went south a few days ago, the first thing I did was call Drew to come get me and my son, Levi—not like, come get us from the restaurant, but come get us from Atlanta, Georgia, where I was paving my own way, making my life happen for myself, living the dream, and FAILING MISERABLY AT ALL OF IT.
Drew didn’t even bat an eye when I asked him to come help me pack up my dignity and haul it back home. From the beginning, he wasn’t thrilled about my decision to move out of Tennessee and away from our family, so without hesitating, he said, “Be there tomorrow, sis. I’ll bring a truck.” And he did. He spent the whole next day helping me pack everything in that dinky (very smelly) apartment, and then he drove me back to his house in Nashville where my son and I will be living (rent-free, bless him) for the foreseeable future.
The only reason I’ve been able to spend the past few days interviewing my fan blades is because my amazing parents took my four-year-old for a few days while I get unpacked and settled. I don’t think they meant get my butt settled into the carpet and lie here for the entire weekend making excellent fan friends, but it’s what I’ve done, and no one is allowed to judge me because judging isn’t nice.
Once I’m standing, Drew sizes me up, and let me tell you, he does not like what he sees. “I think you have a bird’s nest in your hair. Go take a shower.”
“I don’t feel like showering. I’ll just spray some dry shampoo to kill the stink. And maybe the birds.”
He catches my arm when I try to turn away. “As your older brother, I’m telling you…get in that shower, or I will put you in it, clothes and all, because goodness knows yours could use a wash too.”
I narrow my eyes and stand up on my tiptoes to look more frightening—I think the effect would be better if I didn’t feel chocolate smeared across the side of my face. “I’m a grown adult woman with a child, so your older-brother threats aren’t effective anymore.”
He tilts his head down slowly—making a point that he’s, like, 19 million feet taller than me—and makes direct eye contact. “You’re wearing dinosaur PJ pants. And as long as you call me, pulling that baby-sister card when you need my help with something, the older-brother threats count.”
I raise an indignant chin. “I never do that.” I definitely do it all the time.
“Take a shower, and then put on a swimsuit.”
I make a disgusted ugh sound like the mature adult I am. “I am NOT going swimming with you. All I want to do is eat disgusting takeout, fill my body to the brim with MSG, and then crawl under the covers until next year rolls around with new shiny promises of happiness.”
He’s not listening. He’s turning me around and pushing me toward the bathroom. “Get to it, stinky. Like it or not, you’re putting on a swimsuit and coming with me. It’s been too long since you’ve seen the sun, and you look like a cadaver.” I’m feeling blessed that he didn’t mention I smell like one too.
“I hate the pool.” I’m a cartoon now, and my arms are long droopy noodles, dragging across the floor as I’m pushed toward the bathroom.
“Lucky we’re not going to one then. My buddy and I are taking the boat out to wakeboard for the afternoon. You’re coming too.”
I’m standing motionless in the bathroom now, eyebrows-deep in my sullen mood as Drew pulls back the shower curtain and starts the water. He digs under the sink and pulls out a fluffy towel, tossing it onto the counter. He’s giving me tough love right now, but I know underneath all this dominance is a soft, squishy middle. Drew has one tender spot in life, and it’s me. The tenderness also extends to Levi, by association and because his cheeks are so chunky and round you can’t help but dissolve into a pool of wobbly Jell-O when he smiles at you.
“Isn’t it, like…frowned upon to skip work on a Wednesday?” I ask, trying to needle him so he’ll leave me alone with my candy bars and sadness.
“Yes, but it’s Sunday.” The judgment in his voice is thick. “And unless one of my patients goes into labor, I have Sundays off.”
I blow air out through my mouth, making a motorboat sound because I’m too braindead and wasted on chocolate from my pity party for snappy comebacks. Which is sad because snappy comebacks are my thing.
“Lucy,” Drew says, bending to catch my eye like he knows my thoughts were starting to wander back down the dark tunnel to mopey-land. He points behind him to the steaming stream of water. “Lather, rinse, and repeat. You’ll feel better.” He leans forward and gives a dramatic sniff. “Maybe even repeat a few times. Then move on to the toothbrush, because I think something crawled in your mouth and died.” Siblings are so sweet.
I punch him hard in the arm, and he just smiles like he’s happy to see me showing some signs of life. “But seriously, thank you,” I say quietly. “Thanks for taking me in too. You’re always rescuing me.” The day I realized I was a week late for my period, Drew was the one who drove to the store and bought my pregnancy test. He’s the one who held me when I cried and told me I wouldn’t have to go it alone because I’d have him (and then my parents quickly hip-checked him out of the way and reminded me I’d have them too). This is part of the reason I moved to Atlanta a year ago—not because I wanted to get away from them, but because I wanted to prove to myself I could stand on my own two feet and support my son.
Spoiler alert: I can’t.
I’m a twenty-nine-year-old single mom and unemployed hairdresser (I got fired from the salon I was working at) who’s having to live with my older brother because I don’t have a penny in savings. Turns out, kids are mega-expensive. And when you choose to live away from your support system as a single parent, you have to put your child in daycare (which costs your arm), and hire babysitters when you want to go out on the weekend (which costs your leg), or hire a full-time nanny (which costs your soul). Although Levi’s dad, Brent, pays child support, it’s just not quite enough to help me get ahead of bills and debt. Brent is not a bad guy or anything, and he’s even offered to pay extra to help give me a financial cushion, but for some reason, I’d rather start wearing tennis shoes without socks and selling them to creepy people on eBay who want them extra sweaty before I take money from Brent. He’s always had too much emotional pull in my life. At one point, I might have held out hope, dreamed of us actually becoming a family one day—but not anymore. Those dreams have long since evaporated, and now, any time he texts me after midnight saying something like Why don’t we ever get together, just the two of us?, I know better than to respond.
Also, don’t ask how I know about the sweaty shoes thing.
Drew gives me a soft smile and really doesn’t have to say anything because we have that sibling telepathy thing that lets me see inside his head. He speaks anyway. “You’d do the same for me.”
“Yeah. Of course I would.” But I’d never need to because Drew has his life together all of the time.
He pulls me in for a hug and kisses the top of my head. “I’m sorry you’re bummed, but I’m glad you’re home and you and that idiot broke up.”
“He wasn’t an idiot!” And just like that, I’m annoyed and want to wiggle out of his arms, but he doesn’t let me—just holds me tighter.
“Yeah, he was. You just need some space from him to see it.”
“No, Andrew, he just wasn’t smooth and super cool like you, and that’s why you didn’t like him. But he wasn’t an idiot.”
I really don’t know why I’m defending Tim so much. I wasn’t in love with him or anything. In fact, that’s why we broke up. There was no spark, and we were basically friends who kissed (and not all that often). I’d never even introduced him to Levi because somewhere in the back of my mind I always knew our relationship wasn’t going anywhere. I’m a little ashamed to admit it, but I only dated him because he was there and available. I was new to Atlanta, having taken an open position at a new salon, and he was one of my first clients. We hit it off, started dating (if you can even call it that since we barely saw each other due to me not having any friends or family around to help babysit), and, for a few months, fell into a comfortable pattern of going out on Saturday nights when I could afford to hire the fifteen-year-old down the street. She had a more active dating life than me, though, so I had to book her weeks out and pay her a fortune.
Then, the roommate I moved to Atlanta with got engaged to her boyfriend and asked to break our lease agreement early so she could move in with him. I, being a woman deeply afraid of confrontation, agreed wholeheartedly before remembering that I didn’t trust anyone else to live with me and my son. I tried to make it work financially on my own for a while, but then the burden just got too heavy. I was two months behind on rent, and then I lost my job at the salon because I continued to cancel on too many clients. Did I mention it’s super hard to be a single parent without a nearby support system? Turns out, most bosses really don’t give a crap about your child at home with a stomach bug, unable to go into daycare that day. They really only care that you didn’t show up to work and earn them the money they were counting on.
So, I got fired, and then the next week, Tim and I broke up, and then I got the official eviction notice from my landlord. I didn’t need any time to think about what to do. I called Drew and told him to come get me, and then I cut Atlanta off like a bad split end.
Now, I feel depressed, but not because I miss Tim. I’m depressed because I don’t miss Tim and my life feels like way more of a mess than it should at age twenty-nine. It’s like I’m mourning something I hoped could happen but didn’t.
“No,” says Drew, “I didn’t like him because when I came to visit and we three went to dinner, he said he was cold and accepted your sweater when you took it off and gave it to him.”
I feel a familiar defensiveness boil in my chest. “He has a thyroid problem and also doesn’t feel confined by gender norms. And I told you, I wasn’t even cold!”
“Then why’d you take my sweatshirt after he took yours?”
“‘Cause…” I’m glad he’s hugging me so he doesn’t catch my defeated look. “It had been six months since I’d seen you and I missed you?” I can’t let Drew know I also found Tim annoying at times or else he’ll add it to his ongoing list titled: Drew Knows Better Than Lucy. It is a solid list, though.
This time, he jabs a finger in my most ticklish spot on my ribs before releasing me. “Take your shower, woman. And hurry up, please, or we’re gonna be late.”
Well, joke’s on him, because I don’t even want to go out with him and his stupid buddy, and I don’t care one bit if we’re late. In fact, I feel like teaching my brother a lesson, so I take an extra-long time, reenacting every sad shower scene I’ve ever seen, letting the spray of the water rush over my face as sad music plays on the speaker in my bedroom.
Bang, bang, bang.
I jump out of my sopping wet skin and press myself back against the tile, certain I’m about to be murdered by a polite killer who likes to knock before he enters, but then Drew’s voice booms through the door. “I’m seconds from cutting off the hot water, and don’t think I won’t. Also, that’s enough Sarah McLachlan.” He turns off my Super Sad Mix and blares “Ice Ice Baby” instead.
Turd face.
I want to be furious with Drew, but instead, I’m using all my willpower to not burst out laughing.
I’m a whiny baby all the way to the boat dock. The sun is too bright. My head hurts. There’s nothing good on the radio. Honestly, I’m surprised Drew didn’t unlock the doors, pull the handle, and push me out on the interstate. That’s what I would have done if the roles were reversed, because even I don’t want to hang out with me right now. Even so, he took my annoyance in stride, turning off the radio, giving me his sunglasses, offering to stop for Advil. Really, it’s suspicious how syrupy sweet my brother is being.
At the last minute, I even asked him if we could make a pit stop at our mom and dad’s house so I could check on Levi. Let’s be honest, Levi is with his two favorite people in the world, so he’s not missing me. My mom has probably fed him so many sugary treats he’s completely forgotten my name.
When the door opens and I see my little cutie, blond hair all askew in various cowlicks, eyes bright with sugar overdose, and white powder mysteriously coating his lips, my suspicions are confirmed.
I glance down at my child and then up at his grandparents standing at attention behind him, mischief written all over their faces. “This is a surprise drop-by…you know, to make sure everyone’s following the rules,” I say, drawling out the last word like I’m a detective tilting her aviators down, completely on to their tricks.
Both grandparents make a show of gulping nervously, and I abruptly drop down to get eye level with Levi. I reach out and run a finger across his top lip, bringing the powdered sugar close to my eye for inspection. “Mmhmm…just what I thought. Donut residue.” He giggles and licks his lip nearly up to his nose to get every particle of sugar he can. I taught him well.
My mom puts her hand on Levi’s shoulder and squeezes. “Stay strong, buddy.”
I narrow my eyes up at my mother (also my favorite person in the world) and shoot to my feet, getting in her face like a drill sergeant. “How many?” My voice growls menacingly. Levi giggles again, and I glance down at him. “Do you think this is funny, little man?”
“Mom, you’re so silly.”
“How many?” I repeat again to my mom, undeterred by the adorable chunky-cheeked boy. She lifts her chin and makes a show of pressing her lips closed. “I see…that’s how it’s going to be? Fine. I know who to go to when I want the truth.”
“Luce, come on, we gotta go,” Drew says, sounding a little impatient behind me. Someone has lost his funny bone.
I hold up my finger behind me in his direction and shush him before taking a slow step directly in front of my dad. His eyes widen, and I know he’ll be an easy crack. “So, Mr. Marshall, are you going to talk, or are we going to have to do this the hard way—”
“THREE!” he blurts, and then my mom shoots him the stink eye.
I grin and push my imaginary glasses back up the bridge of my nose. “Thought so. Sir, ma’am, do you happen to know the effects too much sugar has on—”
I don’t get to finish my sentence because Drew picks me up over his shoulder and starts carrying me away. “Bye, guys,” he says with a smile and wave. “We’ll have our phones if you need us.”
“WAIT! Let me at least kiss my child goodbye, you big oaf.”
He pauses and backs up a few steps, bending down so I’m lowered to lip level with Levi. He laughs and laughs at the sight of me on “Uncle Drew’s” shoulder, so much so that I’m barely able to plant a kiss on his sugary cheek from all his giggling.
“Love you, baby. Be good for Grammy and Grandad,” I tell him, feeling my heart squeeze a little painfully at the thought of leaving him again. Other than the times I had to work, Levi and I haven’t spent much time apart this last year. Although I’m happy to see him reunited with family, I also have this strong desire to stay close to him. Plus, stuffing my face with donuts sounds infinitely better than going out with Drew and his buddy on the boat.
“Have fun, you two,” say my parents, breaking character to wrap an arm around each other and wave as Drew walks us away and deposits me in the front seat of his car.
After our twenty-minute drive, we pull into the marina, and I take my sweet time getting out of the car. Maybe if I move slow enough, he’ll leave me behind and just let me curl up in a depressed ball under a tree somewhere.
He can see right through my shenanigans. “Goodness, Lucy, do I have to handcuff you to me? You’re going on this boat. Quit being a pain in the butt and get moving.”
“What happened to Mr. Congeniality from the car ride?” I ask, getting out and slamming my door shut.
He pulls a cooler out from the trunk and grins at me, his eyes a darker blue than mine—almost black—filled with adoring exasperation. “I was hoping you’d get it all out of your system so Johnny Raincloud wouldn’t follow us out on the water.”
“I didn’t have to come today, you know. If you wanted a happy companion, you could have just invited some of those perky girls who love you.”
“I didn’t want to bring perky girls. I wanted to bring you.”
I narrow my eyes and cross my arms. “We’re talking about attitudes, right? ‘Cause I have great boobs.” Lies. These girls lost all their spunk four years ago at the ripe age of twenty-five when my milk came in.
Drew sets the cooler down on the hot pavement. “Breasts have important functions beyond looks, you know.”
I grimace. “Ew. I hate when you go all OB-GYN on me.”
“Can’t help it. It’s my job. If you don’t want to hear it, don’t talk about your boobs with me.” He jerks his head toward the back seat. “Grab the towels and let’s get on the water.”
“One hour,” I say, grabbing the towels and following behind him like a stubborn puppy that doesn’t want to walk on a leash but knows it doesn’t have a choice. “I’m staying for one hour and that’s it. Then, I’m going back to my candy bar babies.”
“So you’re saying you eat babies?” I try to kick him, but he dodges me. “Just get in the boat, Eeyore,” says Drew, fighting a smile as he extends his hand to help me over the railing.
Once in the boat, I run my palms along the bright-white upholstery. It’s hot to the touch, and I can’t help but smile at my brother’s dream come true. He’s always wanted a boat, and he finally made it happen. He’s been working his butt off the past several years, completing medical school and then enduring his residency and whatever else doctors have to go through. Now, he is an OB-GYN in a small private practice, and this was his official “doctor” present to himself.
Other than a partner feeling slightly uncomfortable with him working closely with women’s bodies all day, I can’t help but wonder why he’s still single. He’s good-looking, funny, and outgoing. Women love him, yet he won’t have it. He dates (a lot) but has never been interested in settling down.
Taking my towel, I lay it across the boiling-hot leather before sitting so I don’t sear my butt cheeks. I settle in, begrudgingly feeling like Drew was right; it really does feel good to be outside with the sun tickling my skin. “So, which buddy is coming out with us? Farty Marty or Sweaty Steven?” Oddly, all of Drew’s friends have terrible flaws, so much so that I’m beginning to wonder if he has a beauty complex and refuses to associate with anyone prettier than him.
“Cooper,” he says while shoving the cooler into a little side compartment.
Ah, yes, the recently moved out roommate. I haven’t met this one yet. He moved in with Drew about a year ago, right after I left town, and they apparently became besties right away. Drew won’t let me refer to them as that, though, so I make sure to do it as often as I can.
“Hmm…Cooper Pooper.”
“Don’t do that.”
“I have to. How will I remember his name otherwise?”
Drew doesn’t look at me as he secures the boat canopy. “Repeat it to yourself five times.”
“Cooper Pooper. Cooper Pooper. Cooper Poo—”
“Not what I meant, and you know it,” Drew says, looking over his shoulder with the same look the actors on SNL get when they try not to let the audience see them laugh. He missed me.
I shut my eyes and lean my head back, feeling the sun singe my eyelids and trying to imagine what terrible flaw of Cooper’s I will have to endure all day. Bad B.O.? Snaggleteeth? Greasy hair? Probably a heavy combination of each.
I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter anyway. I’m just going to lean back against the warm leather and sleep the day away. Drew forced me out here, but he can’t force me to smile or pretend I’m enjoying life with Pooper Scooper Cooper. See? I’ll never forget his name now. My method works.
I hear footsteps approaching on the dock, but my eyes feel too heavy to open. Probably all that MSG really settling into my bloodstream and trying to embalm my body.
“Hey, Coop,” says Drew, and I can feel my whole body stiffen with dread. He’s here. What’s it going to be? My money is on the B.O. “Just throw your stuff over there by Luce. Oh, by the way, this is my sister, Lucy.”
I guess that’s my cue to open my eyes and try to act like I don’t see the nasty hair-sprouting mole on the tip of this guy’s nose.