The Many Faces of Tully

I don’t know when Jace gives up and leaves, but I miss his presence as soon as he’s gone. It’s replaced a little while later though. I feel someone tap my shield gently. I look up to see who and I see Calchas. I sigh and let my shield fall.

He walks in and sits next to me. “What’s on your mind Tully?” He doesn’t gawk at my bloodstained shirt like I expected him to. He must have talked to Jace. I don’t know why, but I actually answer Calchas’ question.

“I completely lost it tonight, Calchas. I had no control whatsoever. I didn’t know Jace. I didn’t know myself. All I knew was that I was going to kill that man. I was a monster. I was evil. I couldn’t think around my powers. My powers thoughts were my thoughts. How could I just completely disappear like that?” I’m shaking, terrified of myself. I’m a danger to everyone, including myself.

“The way I heard it was that you were trying to protect Jace. He told me that even though you were shot four times you didn’t stop until he was free,” Calchas says matter-of-factly.

“I didn’t stop until he shot himself. I didn’t stop when he was free. I kept going. I didn’t stop,” I say, ashamed.

“Yes I get that. Jace ranted to me and practically anyone who would listen. Nash is sleeping on the couch in the living room because he is tired of listening to Jace fume. Now tell me, what are you doing with Jace?” He turns on me suddenly, his voice turning harsh.

“What?” I’m shocked by his question.

“What are you doing with that boy? I’ve known him since he was eleven. I’ve known him for more than half his life. I’ve raised him practically, though he didn’t need much raising. He was more of a man at eleven than most men are at my age. I took care of him though, so he is sort of like a son to me. So, what are you doing with him?” he interrogates me.

“I’m not sure what you are asking, Calchas,” I say defensively.

“Why are you pushing him away so hard? Do you want to be with him, or not? Do you like him? Do you want to hurt him? What is your goal in this? What does he mean to you? What do his feelings mean to you? What are you doing with him?” he fires at me.

His accusations burn, so I snap back at him. “Of course I like him, but I don’t think he should like me. I don’t want to push him away but I feel like I have to. I’m not good for him. He deserves better than me. I’m bad. He’s good. I’m a murderer. Tonight, I wanted to kill that man. I yearned for his death. Jace doesn’t need that. He needs better.” My voice fills with sadness by the end of my rant as the truth of my words cut me.

“Do you not know that boy at all, Tully?” His tone is patronizing. “He doesn’t care how many people you’ve killed. He wouldn’t care if you killed a hundred people tomorrow. He sees the good in everybody. Jace is too good for all of us, but we all need him in our lives. He makes all of us better. I don’t know where we would all be without him. And I think you need him in particular. You need his kind of positivity in your life,” he says almost snottily.

“But he doesn’t need my kind of negativity in his life. It’s not fair for him. I feel like I’m using him,” I admit.

“Are you?” He raises a white eyebrow at me.

“I don’t want to be. I’m not sure. I hope I’m not,” I say nervously.

“Then I don’t think you are,” he reassures me. I give him a small smile. “I’m going to tell you something Tully. It’s not information I share very often so use it wisely.”

“All right,” I say nervously.

“You know I wasn’t always here with all of these young adults running around. I did use to have a family. I had a very beautiful wife and two children. My son would be five years older than you and my daughter would be right around your age. I wasn’t a good man, Tully. I used my powers to do bad things. How do you think I pay for all of these expenses? I used my powers to win the lottery of course. Quite a few times actually.

“Then I got into gambling, with the wrong kind of people. They didn’t like me taking all of their money, so they gave me a warning. By killing my family.” He stares sadly at the wall. I had no idea. I just sort of assumed he was always here. I never thought about how he paid for everything.

“I lost my family because I was greedy. You lost your parents because you wanted to protect them. Jace lost his mom because she wanted to protect him. We have all had our losses for different reasons. We all got here on separate roads, and all of those roads tell us something about ourselves. Mine tells me that I’m a selfish bastard and I care more about money and power than love. Yours tells me that you are selfless and you would much rather hurt yourself than hurt anyone else. Now, what does Jace’s say about him?” He asks me.

I shake my head to show that I don’t know. I wonder how long Calchas has been thinking about this. How long has he known this about all of us?

“He doesn’t like being protected. He doesn’t like being taken care of. He doesn’t want someone to leave him again because they think they are protecting him. He grew up pretty quick after losing his father, but after losing his mom he really toughened up. He thought if he seemed stronger or something then people would stop trying to protect him. Stop hurting him. Stop leaving him. He thought if he was stronger than he could keep the people he cared about. He cares about you Tully. And I know you care about him.

“So, putting your two natures together, it doesn’t add up well. It can add up well, depending on one thing. You. Which side are you going to take? Are you going to be selfless in the way that protects him, or selfless in the way that makes him happy? So I’m going to ask one more time. What are you doing with that boy?”

I just stare at him. I don’t know the answer. He stands up and leaves my room then. I need to try and figure this out by myself. I don’t know how I’m going to figure it out. I don’t know if I can.

It makes more sense now though. Jace said that he liked hanging out with me because I made him feel strong. He wanted to feel strong so he could hold on to people. He figured he could hold on to me because I made him feel strong. I can’t push him away. I need him. He makes me feel safe and I need that. The realization hits me like a ton of bricks. I can’t push him away.

I take a fast shower and put on some clean clothes. It feels nice not to be covered in blood anymore. I walk out of my room and see my door lying on the floor. I should fix that but I don’t want to. I knock on Jace’s door.