SWNOVELS Chapter Shit happens
Walking back to her house, Louise is watching every move Toni makes, just a step or two behind her, Toni can feel her attention on her, even if she’s not in her line of sight.
She has just seen her take ten lashes silently and naked, directly after a fight that was far more brutal than it needed to be, Toni can see that Louise is deep in thought, probably re-evaluating the person she lives with, Toni thinks.
Allegedly the lashes were for answering the Alpha back, he’s trying to dismiss the fact Toni almost stared him down and didn’t react to his command immediately, but Louise’s concern had increased when Toni didn’t go towards the hospital, just headed home.
She waits until they are safe within the confines of the house, Louise is hyper-aware that all the events today were triggered because of her actions, her guilt growing with each step they took.
If she hadn’t tried to see her family without approval, none of the events would have been triggered, and that’s a feeling that is gnawing away in her stomach making her feel worse.
Over the months she had been in the pack, she’d begun to see that the hard exterior of Antonia was not the real person.
Especially after having seen her drunk once, when she’d come down for water in the middle of the night, Toni had been looking at old pictures with tears in her eyes, seemingly unaware that Louise had been watching her.
She never mentioned it to Toni, not wanting to upset her or bring something up that may open old wounds.
As much as Louise had wanted to talk to the Gamma, to see if she could persuade her to go to the hospital for treatment, she knew that the Gamma would see that as a weakness.
Although once they were both inside the house, Louise felt she could make the offer, in private, that way there would be no loss of face.
“Do you need any help with treating your wounds Gamma Antonia?
Should I call for the pack doctor?” her voice, quiet and hesitant
Toni looked at her, for some reason her sticking to the formal title felt wrong at this point, maybe she’d allowed herself to get too close, or care a little too much, but to Tyra and if she’s honest, to her as well, she is almost like a younger sister, having trained her to fight and now to hunt, a bond had been formed, something Toni isn’t used to.
“Drop the Antonia, just Gamma will do.”
It sounds harsh, but no one gets to call her by her first name alone, except her mate, whomever they may be, if she let Louise use her first name, and she slipped up outside, they would both take lashes, but Toni can tell the surprise in Louise’s face is genuine, knowing few in the pack get to use just her title.
Unclipping her cloak, Toni throws it straight into the wash and hears Louise gasp, the lash marks on her back are fresh, and since the Alpha chose to administer them himself, deep.
She’s probably not seen any wounds from lashes up close before, the bites inflicted by Cole are vicious, borne out of his survival instinct they were only on one hip and the healing process had started, but she’s getting Tyra to stop for now, she will have to prioritise the damage to her back for now, after Toni’s treated them.
She’s not sure if the shock on Louise’s face is from the old scars on her back or today's damage but it’s done, scars are just chapters in her life story, the worst scars aren’t visible, they are the ones that damage and darken her soul.
Technically she should report that the brands have been distorted from the Delta’s bites, getting them rebranded, but for now, with the trip to the Royal Pack scheduled, she’ll leave it, and see how it looks when things have healed.
There’s nothing else that she can’t deal with, the key part is cleaning the wounds of silver. Finishing the review of her wounds, she turns to Louise.
“No, this all comes under self-care.”
She keeps her voice neutral, recognising that Louise is trying to help, but her face doesn’t hide the surprise and she’s already pale from what she’s witnessed today.
Toni inspects Louise’s face and body language, seeing the worry and concern.
“I need you to listen carefully.
None of this is your fault”
Her eyes widen at Toni’s statement
“But it started with…” her voice barely audible
“Stop”
“Pete was always going to do something stupid, and whether it was yesterday or a month from now, he would have found an opening.
He just went to the top shelf of stupidity, letting his greed cloud his judgment.
He thought, for a long time, that being related to the Gamma gave him some additional freedom from the rules.
The Alpha wanted me to take Delta Cole as a chosen mate for years, but I would rather have died, today was just the final part in that long chain of events.”
Toni grabs a bottle of whisky, and about to open it she stops and thinks about the fact Cole was still cocky at the start of the fight, as well as the Alpha.
‘he didn’t think I’d be able to take him down’ she thinks to herself slowly putting the whisky down.
“And me answering the Alpha back” she sighs
“Well that’s all on me, I knew I’d be punished, I should have apologised immediately, but even then, it would still have been punishable.
It has been a long time coming and I knew better.”
Toni shrugs
“Don’t eat or drink anything from the house, I have a feeling that maybe, the pot Cole gave you wasn’t the only one, so unless it’s water or your specific food that’s in the cupboard marked as yours, don’t risk it, if you need anything go to the pack house.”
Louise nods
“Get some rest, we hunt again tonight”
Toni’s words are flat, she’s tired and questioning her existence after today, but she can see the relief on Louise’s face, she’d all but told her mother that they would see her again tonight.
Leaving a small trail of blood Toni heads to her shower, grabbing a bottle of Vodka that’s been in her room for a while, it used to be her drink of choice before she moved to whisky, so she’s almost sure that it will be untainted, she takes a few chugs of that, her face screwing up at the taste of neat vodka as she heads to the shower.
Time to start the cleaning process and remove the dried blood from her body, both Cole’s and her own, checking which wounds she needs to sew or pin together.
Getting into a freezing cold shower, she stands for five minutes, letting the water rinse her back, closing the pores on her skin, and washing away any traces of silver left, numbing her back briefly, but the next stage is going to be the worst.
Sending the temperature to its highest level, she stands under the burning water counting slowly, feeling the heat burning her skin as she forces herself to remain under the scalding water until the first blisters form, before reverting the temperature to as low as it goes.
Getting out of the shower, her back feels like it’s on fire, but it’s the best self-care treatment for silver damage to reduce scarring, close the pores and wash off any particles, in the first stage, then burn off the poisoned skin, essentially via blistering.
Wolves heal better from scalding injuries than silver, it hurts like hell, but it’s effective.
Tyra is unhappy with Toni, she wanted to challenge Alpha Vincent, but they are already injured and tired from the fight and she doesn’t want to be Alpha of this pack, she wants to be free, hopefully just one more month to grin and bear it.
After drinking a fair bit more of the vodka to numb the pain, she shifts into her wolf and sleeps, healing is greatest in wolf form and she felt like she’d been put through the mill today, mentally and physically.
For four nights they followed the same routine, travelling the cave system, on the third night, Toni started making Louise lead, needing her to learn the path, few do in the pack, but each night, Louise spent fifty minutes with her family, while Toni patrols the border for the Mountain Peak pack, before returning to go hunting for the night.
The contact with her mum and brothers had a marked effect on Louise as if bolstering her inner strength, in just a few days, giving her a greater maturity.
Aspen, Louise’s wolf is growing in experience and is a natural at tracking, learning how to select and split one prey from a group is mostly there, Toni isn’t sure she’ll ever get the hang of taking the killing blow, but she’s fine at the rest of the roles.
After they eat, they sleep in wolf form for a few hours before heading back as humans.
“Gamma, may I ask a question” Louise’s voice carries quietly in the silence of the early morning
“Sure”
Stopping Toni turns to look at her.
“Why did you let me see my family?”
“Because of your mother”
She pauses, thinking about how she didn’t even get to say a proper goodbye to her parents, they had left before she woke on that fateful day.
“She was at the border with your brothers the day I found you there, I could see her pain and we talked for a short while.
Your phone messages confirmed you weren’t planning to leave and go back with them, which would have been foolish.
Honestly, after what happened that day, you needed someone you trusted.”
Toni’s voice is soft and friendly, she’s not sure where her fierceness has gone.
“Everyone said you lost control and went into a bloodlust when you killed Delta Cole, you didn’t though, did you?”
Toni looks at her a little darkly, Tyra is pissed off at the suggestion that she lost control.
“No, I didn’t lose control”
“People also said you’ve killed before, is it true?” she presses on
“Are you sure you want to hear the answers from me?”
Toni cocks her head sideways, often people ask questions without thinking through what the answers may mean
“I don’t know, I hear things from people and then you arrange for me to see my family and it doesn’t fit.”
“Yes I’ve killed before, you’ve seen me do it, the rogues that attacked us remember?
But you aren’t asking about that are you?”
“No Gamma”
“The answer is yes, I’ve killed before.
I do as the Alpha commands, when he commands me to kill someone, I do, doesn’t make you feel better knowing that does it?”
She shakes her head, and Toni can see Louise retreating into her head, realising that the rumours about her are probably facts.
“Good rule of thumb, don’t ask a question when you aren’t ready for the answer.
And ‘people say’ is a way of saying ‘I heard gossip’.
Best to steer clear of gossip, that’s what led to the confrontation at the border between Pete and yourself, he’d heard gossip and it didn’t end well for him.”
They walk on for a while in silence.
“I need you to talk to your friends.
In about three weeks I will be off pack land for a month, so tell me who you would feel safe staying with and I will arrange it.”
“I don’t need to talk to them, I think I’d pick Ellie to stay with Gamma, her mum reminds me a little….”
She trails off and Toni nods, that was the family she’d gravitated to during the punishment.
“Know if you run from their house, they will be punished, not that I think you will, but I need you to know the consequences go beyond you and me.”
Louise looks affronted but nods, before heading off to her room, probably feeling unsafe now that she knows for certain that she lives with a killer.
The remaining three weeks pass quietly, after two Louise is good enough to join the pack hunt, even proving Toni wrong and catching and killing a rabbit herself, her first kill racked up, although she wonders if this is all preparation for Louise making a run from the pack, survival skills are needed, the whole pack knows the Mountain Peak pack won’t take in anyone that leaves without permission.
Toni found it odd, Louise had asked to stay hunting with her until she had to head off the pack land, rather than joining the main hunt, where Toni knows at least one of her friends went, but she guesses she’d found her way to process the fact Toni had killed others, even if that skill still eluded Toni.
The concern, however well hidden, when Toni turned up to Ellie’s house to talk to her parents, was clear, until they found out the reason for her visit, to ‘request’ permission for Louise to stay, it’s odd, Toni puts it as a request but did anyone here actually feel they could deny requests from ranked wolves in this pack?
They had seemed genuine about their acceptance though and she could tell that Louise was well-liked by them, and it had been sorted simply and painlessly.
Toni had told them the ground rules Louise had to live within, which matched their daughters, but the relief when she left was clear.
Toni had a simple bag packed for her trip off pack land, she owned very little that wasn’t her uniform, something she’d alter after the Royal Pack visit, needing to blend in more, she’s very aware that she’s often described as more by her uniform than looks.
Stopping the car just before she leaves the pack border, she links to the Alpha to confirm she’s about to leave, checking that she’s still allowed to be gone for a month.
Her aim over the last few weeks has been to be an exceptionally compliant wolf to him after the punishment.
He kept her waiting for a good ten minutes; she guesses trying to show her how unimportant she was before he confirmed her exit was allowed.
'One month from today, you need to be back on pack land or there will be consequences.'
The simple command rings through her head
'Yes Alpha'
It doesn’t matter that she had to wait, not caring about his petty power play, she has at least a month of freedom, hopefully, more, and she intends to make the most of her time away from the pack.
Living free for a month, the idea itself is almost making her giddy, not that she’ll be welcome on most pack lands, but she has a plan and worst case, if she sticks to neutral territory, checks into a hotel and just allows herself to be the real Toni, she’ll take it.
Curiously, she wonders to herself, can she even remember how to laugh and smile, it feels such a long time since she was able to do so, will her muscles remember for her?
As she drives away from the Nightshade pack, she doesn’t realise that a small contented smile has already been installed on her face.
First stop, the Royal Pack.
Tyra is upfront with her Toni can see the amber eyes staring back in the rear-view mirror, wanting to see the world as a normal wolf would, she needs this more than Toni does she thinks, if that’s even possible.
Toni is hoping that this is the start of her new life and she drives off with hope in her heart.