The Lightning Fart: A Parody of The Lightning Thief (Percy Jackson & the Olympians, Book 1)

Over the next few days, while I was trying to figure out how to get out of Camp Half-Wit, the counselors were trying to figure out who my god parent was. To do this they had me rotate through various camp activities. The problem was, I wasn’t good at any of them. I didn’t swim well like a son of Poseidon, my archery skills were nowhere near Artemis-worthy, and I wasn’t a loser who only oversaw traveling like Hermes.

Then I had my first sword-fighting lesson. I thought it was a bit odd that a summer camp had sword-fighting as an activity, but then I realized that it couldn’t be any more dangerous than giving untrained 10-year-olds bows and arrows, which camps had been doing for years.

My sword-fighting class was taught by Luke. Everyone in the class had a regular sparring partner, but since I was new Luke said he’d be my partner for the day. Obviously I’d never used a sword before, and in the initial sparring session Luke completely pummeled me. My entire body felt like one giant bruise. Luke then called the class together and said he was going to use me to help demonstrate a disarming maneuver.

“Okay everyone, I want you to watch how I twist Percy’s blade with my own sword so he has no choice but to drop it,” Luke said.

I was obviously supposed to play along and just drop the sword when Luke did the maneuver, but I was sick of being used as a punching bag. So when Luke twisted my sword, I held onto it instead of dropping it. Luke scowled at me and twisted my sword even harder, and pain shot up my arms. I was about to let the sword go when I got that tingling sensation again, the same tingling I’d had in the bathroom with Clarisse.

And then I farted.

Or maybe I should say, megafarted.

It felt like a tornado was coming out of my butt. A huge gust blew and knocked Luke’s sword out of his hands, and the sword flew through the air and landed fifty yards away.

“Beginner’s luck,” said one of the campers.

“More like beginner’s fart,” said another. They all laughed.

Luke glared at them disapprovingly. “Instead of laughing, maybe you should be taking notes,” he said. “Because that was the fart of a master.”

After sword-fighting class, I was walking back to the cabins with Grover when it hit me that I’d never seen kids in several of the cabins.

“Hey Grover, are some of the cabins empty?” I said.

“Yep, three of them,” he said.

“Why?”

“Well one of them belongs to Artemis. She vowed to be a virgin forever.”

“Riiiiight,” I said. I knew the real reason was probably that she needed a makeover. “How about the other two?”

“The other two cabins belong to two of the Big Three gods,” said Grover. “You know what I mean by ‘Big Three’, right?”

“Uh…yeah, of course,” I said. “But could you explain it anyway? I like hearing how other people put it into words.”

“Well, Kronos was the original king of the gods, and he had three sons: Zeus Poseidon, and Hades,” said Grover. “After the sons rose up and defeated Kronos, they divided the world up amongst themselves. Zeus got the sky, Poseidon got the seas, and Hades got the Underworld. They’re the Big Three. The two remaining empty cabins belong to Zeus and Poseidon. Hades doesn’t have a cabin because he kinda does his own thing in the Underworld.”

“But why are Zeus’s and Poseidon’s cabins empty?”

“Over the years the Big Three started having more and more kids because each wanted to have more kids than the other,” said Grover. “It was like an arms race—you know, the more kids you have, the more powerful supporters you have. But when modern judicial systems and child support got invented, the cost of having so many kids went through the roof. Not to mention all the gold-digger girlfriends and their legal claims about how much money it would take ‘maintain the god-like lifestyle to which they were accustomed.’ The whole thing threatened to bankrupt the gods altogether. So 50 years ago, the Big Three reached an agreement to stop having kids.”

“Did they stick to it?”

“For the most part. But 20 years ago Zeus had a daughter, and Hades got mad and sent out monsters after her.”

“What happened to her?”

Grover put his head down.

“Wait a second…you were sent to protect her, weren’t you?” I said. “Just like you were sent to protect me. And she didn’t make it, right?”

Grover nodded sadly.

I wanted to tell him he wasn’t a bad Keeper. But he clearly was a terrible Keeper.

“Well we can’t all be good at everything,” I said. “Have you maybe thought about a different field? I hear they’re hiring a lot of software developers lately.”

Grover shook his head. “The only thing I want to be is a Keeper. My ancestors were Keepers, and I’ll either be that or be nothing.”

“Well good luck with that,” I said. I figured I should change the subject. “So, you psyched for capture the flag tomorrow?”

“I have no idea what capture the flag is,” he said.

“Me neither,” I said.

The next day all the campers gathered on the field for capture the flag. Our cabin, Hermes, was assigned to a team with Aphrodite, Demeter, and Athena. Chiron then called both teams together for an announcement.

“Heroes, you know the rules,” Chiron said. “I won’t go into them, because the author hasn’t played capture the flag since he was eight and is only using it as a plot device to have a group activity in which all of the characters participate. Arm yourselves!”

Chiron spread his hands, and a giant pile of weapons appeared on the table in front of him. I had no idea what to take, but eventually Luke handed me a sword and a shield. The shield was huge and weighed like a hundred pounds. I never understood shields: supposedly they protected you from getting hit with a sword, but would you be getting hit with a sword if you weren’t stuck there holding a hundred-pound shield? Shields probably weren’t even a real thing. They were just made up by modern shield manufacturers to sell to collectors.

After everybody grabbed their weapons, our team huddled up to talk strategy.

“Anyone got any ideas?” said one of the Demeter kids.

“I’ve got an idea,” I said. “Annabeth and I will go way out in the woods, where no one can see us.”

“And what do the rest of us do?” said the Demeter kid.

“Capture their flag, duh,” I said.

“Hey, I just thought of the perfect strategy!” said Annabeth. She proceeded to outline a complex plan that didn’t mention me. Finally, she turned to me and said, “Percy, you stand by the creek and do border patrol.”

Border patrol? Sounded like loser patrol. But I didn’t have time to argue because Chiron blew the conch shell and the game began.

I lugged my shield over to the creek, found a dry patch of moss, and lay down and took a nap. I started having this awesome dream where Annabeth told me she finally realized how amazing I was and wrapped her arms around me. But when I woke up a few minutes later, it was Clarisse’s arms that were wrapped around me in a headlock, and I was surrounded by a bunch of Ares kids.

“I really don’t see how beating me up is gonna help you guys get the flag,” I said.

“You know, you’re right,” said Clarisse. “So we’ll just have to make our own.”

She nodded at one of the Ares kids, who took out his sword and made a few quick slashes at my back. “Owww!” I said. A rectangular piece of my shirt fell to the ground, and Clarisse picked it up.

“Looks like a flag to me!” she said.

I winced in pain. It felt like I had giant paper cuts all over my back.

“Awwwww, did widdle Percy get a boo boo?” said Clarisse. “Here’s a little first aid tip: cuts heal twice as fast when covered with mud!”

She gave me a karate kick, and I fell back into a giant puddle of mud. All the Ares kids laughed, and I felt the icky sensation of mud seeping into my pants.

But I also started feeling that familiar tingling feeling, and I bet you can guess what happened next.

Yep, I farted.

The mud puddle in which I was sitting started to swirl, and several columns of mud rose up from the puddle like geysers. Each column looked like an arm with a hand at the end. I then watched in amazement as the mud hands grabbed the Ares kids’ weapons and used them to cut the Ares kids’ pants off. The Ares kids all ran away screaming in their underwear.

Seconds later I heard whoops of joy, and saw one of my teammates run by, holding the other team’s flag. The rest of my team soon followed, and they mobbed the guy with the flag and gave him high fives. The game was over…I think. I’m not sure, because nobody ever explained the rules to us.

“Nice work, border guard.” It was Annabeth’s voice, and it sounded like it was coming from right next to me. But I looked around and didn’t see her anywhere.

The air shimmered, and Annabeth materialized next to me holding a baseball cap as if she’d just taken it off her head.

“Sorry, I forgot I was still wearing my cap of invisibility,” she said.

Yikes, she had a cap that made her invisible. I hoped she hadn’t used it to sneak into my room the previous night and watch me spend hours staring at the only two pictures I had access to on her Facebook profile because we weren’t friends yet.

“Great strategy you came up with,” I said. “You guys get the flag while I distract the other team by getting beaten up.”

“Hey it worked, didn’t it?” she said.

“Yeah, worked in filling my pants with mud,” I said. Suddenly I heard a loud roar. I turned and saw a wild boar looking angrily at me. He probably wanted his mud puddle back.

I tried to climb out of the puddle, but there was so much mud in my pants that my legs felt like lead weights. So I just stood there helpless as the boar charged toward me.

But right as his tusks were about to smash into me, 20 arrows plunged into the boar and he vaporized in a cloud of dust. I looked over to see Chiron, holding his bow.

“Phew,” I said. “Thanks for killing him.”

“He’s not dead,” said Chiron. “Monsters don’t die. They just go away for a while.”

Hmmmm, I thought, I wonder if that applies to my mom too?

“Percy, you’re wounded!” said Annabeth, pointing to a large gash in my arm where the boar’s horn had grazed me. “Quick, make a fart!”

“What?” I said. “Before you told me you didn’t want me to fart.”

“Trust me,” she said.

“Sorry guys, don’t blame me for this one,” I said to everyone around me. And then I farted.

A small cloud of gas came out, traveled up my body, and surrounded my injured arm. My wound began to close up, and within seconds, it was completely gone.

The campers all gasped.

“Look folks, I’m not doing this,” I said. “None of the magical stuff you see at this camp is real. It’s just an illusion designed to make you stay here longer and pay more camp fees! Go, run away while your family still has disposable income!”

Nobody ran, though. They were all now staring in awe at something above my head.

“Uh, Percy…” Annabeth said.

I looked up and saw what appeared to be a green hologram hovering over me. The hologram was of a nose being held shut by two fingers.

“Your father!” said Luke.

“It is determined!” Chiron announced.

All around me the campers kneeled, even the Ares kids who hated me.

“Huh?” I said. “What’s going on?”

“Your father’s Pooseidon!” said Annabeth.

“My father’s not Poseidon,” I said. “I can’t even tread water.”

“Not Poseidon,” said Annabeth. “Poseidon’s twin brother, Pooseidon!”

“Bringer of Stink, Forger of Flatulence, Cutter of Cheese!” said Chiron. “All hail Percy Stinkson, son of the God of Farts!”