SWNOVELS Chapter 4: Heartbroken
I hop off of the back veranda and onto the grass. My feet carry me aimlessly on the open grounds of my home. I don’t even care how hot it is right now, despite feeling the late July sun beating on my face. In some ways it feels so much better being outside than in with the A/C on.
I really have no idea of where I want to go, not having felt this hurt since the last time I was with my birthmother before she was turned into a hate-filled teenager bent on killing me.
In the past couple of years, I’ve always found wandering the Estate to have a calming effect on me. I always and forever will prefer being in nature over civilization. And my home is far and wide worlds better than anywhere I have lived in the past.
Here, the rolling wind-swept grassy hills play host to herds of cattle and flocks of sheep, all of whom I help tend to. The massive lake where I swim with the gossip, placed distantly away from the Manor to where it is but a small dot on the horizon. Finally, the endless deep forests which brush up against the towering rocky hills.
This is my home; this is where my heart is and ever shall be.
In it lives the scores upon scores of people I love and call my family. People with whom I have fought and shed blood with and for. I sigh heavily, hearing the grass crunching under my feet, still feeling angry and hurt by my mother and grandmother.
My heart feels broken once more. I thought that somehow my mother would’ve forgiven her and Marron could come home to us…to me. I need my big sister, wanting her badly.
I pass by the greenhouse, glimpsing Velhemina as she tends to the plants inside. She looks up and beckons me to come in. My heart throbs as I turn away. Normally I would more than happily venture inside and visit with my aunt, but not today. My pace quickens into a hard sprint as I dash away from her.
I hear the door open, “Little Blossom!!! Why are you running? Please come back.”
It hurts to run from her. My auntie, one of the few people I can really unload everything on my mind. However today I simply don’t have the heart to talk to her.
I sprint past the stables, glimpsing Ember as he trots around the corral as Lucayan tends to the fowls. My horse dashes over to the fence, snorting and neighing. He stomps his hooves on the ground, wanting me to come over. No doubt he’s missed me in all these past few weeks.
I still remember when Mom gave him to me during my first visit to the Estate. I love riding on him through the vast fields, and endless plains. But now…now I don’t have the heart to either. I ignore him and dash past the corral.
My feet continue to carry me, feeling the desire to disappear for a bit. You would think having not only finally left my room and gone outside for the first time in two weeks I would be jumping for joy, and yet there is so much pain and hurt in my heart that I couldn’t feel it.
I don’t try to think about anything, wanting to all flow out of me like water, but in reality I can’t. No matter what Marron did to me, this is actually my fault. All of it. I wish things had gone differently; so many things could’ve been changed if I had made different choices. My throat tightens as the urge to cry swells within me. Tears once more well up in my eyes.
I meander into the forest as the tears slowly trickle down my cheeks. I felt my bare feet scraping against the forest floor. The cool underbrush feels soft against the soles of my feet the deeper I wander in.
Overhead I hear the tree branches sway against the wind. They creak and moan softly, filtering the midsummer sun’s light, causing it the flitter against me. Once more I feel aimless the deeper and deeper I travel.
I look up to see that I’ve entered my glen, the only place on the Estate that only three people are ever allowed to enter. I pan around, seeing the large willow tree standing at its heart. Surrounding the tree are stone emplacements which hold fae carvings, something I learned was placed there a few months after my discovery of it. I hear the sound of rushing water coming from the stream.
This is my place, the one where I come to disappear. Here I feel at peace, hidden deeply away from the rest of the Estate. Even during my first trip here, which was by accident, I felt a strange soothing presence. It was here where I began my studies into magic, where I often felt the most natural being a kitsune.
I walk under the willow tree and plop myself under it. My fingers dig deeply into the soil as the pain and sorrow begin to swell back up. I let out a deep and whimpering cry. My tears roll off my nose and onto the grass the more I let out.
“Marron…why did you leave me?” I cry. “Why didn’t you stay with me?”
My body curls up even tighter as I cry even more, wishing she was here with me. I want to see her, wanting to tell her everything. This was my sin against her, not being honest with everything. It had eaten at me since we had reunited nearly two years ago. Even with the few chances we had alone, it still didn’t even cross my mind to tell her.
My cries grow louder and louder, becoming more and more childish by the moment. “Marron…I need you with me. Please…please come back to me. I miss you.”