SWNOVELS Chapter Sixty Seven
Astra wanted to die. It was not the first time she felt like that. When Astra thought about it, she wanted to die a lot of times in her short life. Maybe she was not meant to live then. Maybe she was born to die. She first wanted to die when she was a child. It was the issue with the dress and Charise, she felt so bad that she thought if she died no one would miss her. Her parents would not worry because they had Charise, they loved her more anyway. Astra never did anything about the need then. She wondered if she would have done something if she had the chance, maybe a drop of poison or a knife to her wrist. Both options sounded appealing to her at the moment, she would take any route, but Brian. There had been many thoughts throughout when she was a teenager to her adult life. Astra had been pretty depressed when Nicholas dumped her, but nothing came close to when she lost Brianna. Astra was not the one that started the fire but she would have not minded the fire burning her to death, if Brian was not with her. She was a terrible mother and she managed to kill the thing that was keeping her alive.
Astra felt like that now. She felt like she wanted to die. She was more intentional than the other times though, she would actually do something this time. She was willing to pull the trigger and plunge the knife. Astra kept on hearing Ray's voice in her head as he continuously told her that it was her fault.
"You make men like me become like this, you are the reason why I turned out this way. I did not want to be like this, it is all your fault." Astra could hear the voices over and over again. The more she thought about it, the more she figured she deserved it. It had to be her fault, her parents hated her, they liked Charise instead, even in school she was dumped for other girls. Nicholas, Jared and all the other men went through hell because of her. She lost her child, and the other one had cancer. She had to be doing something wrong, even her friend was hurt because of her.
Astra knew that she could not be blameless, everything that she touched just degenerated to nothing. Even Sarah that did not even like her was hurt because of her. Theo was kidnapped because of her and even her own son was almost hurt because of her. Everyone that came close to her became hurt, even Yvonne would have not been spared. Astra knew that she had to go, there was no other way to it. There was no use living if all she did was cause pain to others. There was no point to life if she just made people sad.
It was Brian that was keeping her going, she could not bear to think about how heartbroken her son was going to be if she left. There was also the baby inside of her. Astra was not sure she wanted the child. She did not want to bring the child to life just so that the child would die at an early age, or develop some terminal illness. It was better just to to let the baby go at the moment. Astra knew that even if she managed to stay alive that she could not handle being pregnant again. Too many things were wrong, she first felt the baby was Ray's when Nicholas told her about it. Then are then she was willing to remove the child from her system. She was willing to remove his trace from her. It showed her heartless she had become, and it also made her respect Stephanie, she was carrying Ray's child. After everything, she wondered if Steph regretted wanting to keep the child.
Astra felt so vile that Ray touched her. She washed and washed and scrubbed yet she still felt so dirty. Astra could not explain why she was feeling so dirty and terrible.
Astra strolled into her kitchen and picked a knife. She was cooking and so knew that they would first rule it out as a domestic accident rather than suicide.
Astra closed her eyes as she pressed the knife into her skin, the pain of the knife was stinging her but she liked it. It was better than the pain inside of her. Blood had begun to seep from her skin when she heard a loud knock on her door. Astra sighed, she did not want to talk to anyone, she just wanted to go. She wanted to sleep and not wake up ever again.
"Astra!" Astra heard her voice it was Nicholas. She sighed and just pressed the knife into her skin, that was better, more and more blood began to flow. It seemed like Nicholas deduced that something was wrong and broke the door and entered into her house. Locking eyes with him and Brian as they stepped into the house, she fainted.
Nicholas could not believe what he was saying, it was Astra and she was bleeding from her wrist she tried to kill herself. Nicholas rushed towards her and put pressure using a cloth on the point that was bleeding, he then called 911. "This is 911, what is your emergency?" The robotic voice asked. Nicholas did not just want Astra to die. He was already seeing death for her.
"There is blood, uhmm suicide attempt, knife to the wrist," Nicholas managed to say. He was so scared that he was barely thinking. The fact that his son, their son, was just there looking at their mother did not help. And their baby, God. After all that Astra went through, she still wanted to go and with their child too. That was terrible.
"Keep pressure on the wound, we are on our way," a voice said, but Nicholas was barely listening, he was already praying. Astra had to be fine. He was already down because of the entire accident and what it meant for them all, he did not think he could take it if something happened to Astra. And then Brian was just managing to get out of the woods. Nicholas was beginning to look on the bright side of everything then. Things were looking up, every one was already slowly moving on. What had happened had happened it just hurt so many people.
After a few minutes, the crew got to Astra's apartment and Nicholas was relieved. He carried Brian and rushed them to the hospital. Ray was dead but the man was still hurting her family. Astra refused to talk to anyone after the incident. She distanced herself from all her friends and refused to talk about anything at all. Nicholas was scared then, but he thought that she needed them. She refused a therapist even though Nicholas begged her multiple times. She just shrugged turned her head and refused to talk about it. Detective Morris had shown him the pictures that Ray had of her, and he realized that he had been stalking her for so long. Astra refused to leave her house again, she stayed in and ordered everything. Brian was staying with her for a while, but he got tired of sitting at home all day and said he wanted to live with his daddy.