SWNOVELS Chapter Forty Seven
"I am sorry," Jared said.
"I somehow managed to carry full term even though I was severely depressed. Holding her in my arms seemed to alleviate my depression. I was finally happy again, thinks were looking better. I was thinking of opening a book store so I could take care of her and still work, everything was going to plan, until it all turned in disarray," Astra said. She parked in front of the cemetery where Aileen laid. She needed to see her baby.
"I am sorry Astra," Jared said again, and Astra cleaned her tears before coming out of the car, and walking into the cemetery with Jared.
Aileen Tiana Michealson. In as much as she hated Nicholas then, she still had to admit that she was his daughter.
"Oh Aileen," she said as she knelt at her daughter's grave, the tears flowed hot and fast, she could not help herself, and to think that she had to pass through this pain again.
"I am so sorry I was not enough Aileen, mommy is so sorry," Astra said as she cried on the tombstone. Her heart broke as she felt the pain of her daughter being taken away from her again. It was as though she was feeling her daughter's cold body again. Astra did not like the feeling.
Astra felt Jared come close and wrap her in his arms, the feeling was warm, and though he was not the man she wanted beside her, she loved him in another way.
"She was already three months old you see, she was already trying to sit up, and her grip was getting strong, she would hold on to my finger and not want to let go, she would open her mouth in a toothless smile, she would tap on whatever surface she could bet her hands on, it was so fascination to me, the gift of being a mother and just like that It was taken away from me," Astra said as she cried in Jared's arms. It had been four years since she died. The pain did not seem to lessen. Astra could only hope that it would not hurt this much when it was ten years since she died.
"I am so sorry Astra, I don't know what to say, fate has not been nice to you," Jared said and Astra agreed. Fate had not been nice to her. All her life was from one problem to the other. Astra wanted rest, she need her happily ever after, that was what she truly wanted.
"I agree," Astra said. She did not want something like this to happen to Stephanie. Especially not because of Ray, she did not want her friend to feel this amount of pain. She had been through a lot too.
"I just want to be happy at the end. I am sure that is not so much to ask," Astra said, tears flowing down her eyes.
"I will make you happy Astra, I will try my best to make sure that you are happy," Jared said.
"I will try my best to make sure that you don't cry anymore, that you don't feel this much pain," he continued.
Astra was sure that he would keep his end of his promise. She trusted him that much, but would she let him love her? That was not a question Astra was sure she could answer.
"Let's go home Jared," she said instead. She needed some rethinking to do.
Astra fidgeted as she struggled to sit still. Jared was taking a sketch of her. She actually went through his sketchbook while she was at his house for the weekend and saw an unfinished portrait of herself, she was quite astonished as it was beautiful, she then volunteered to sit for a sketch on their next date, little did she know that it was going to be this stressful.
"Relax Astra, you are allowed to move," Jared said, he had obviously noticed her discomfort. Astra smiled at his concern. He was just that kind of man. It was something that she was growing to love about him, his concern for others. Astra was officially Jared's girlfriend, they had grown close after she told him about the death of her daughter. Astra knew that she only told him because she was beginning to trust him more, for her it was a sign of moving on, it was the type that she needed.
Jared asked her out over dinner at her place. She offered to cook for him for being there for her for so long. She had talked to Stephanie about it previously, and her friend agreed it was time to start dating. Astra was not still comfortable with body contact from Jared, but she figured it was something that could be overcome with time, she shared a few kisses with him but she did not get the butterflies in her stomach like she expected and wanted. It was quite frustrating that she could not bring herself to be attracted to him, but she felt she was falling in love with him. Astra was not just sure if it was the right kind of love. The type people that are dating were supposed to have. She was not sure she loved him enough. There was still a lot that she was not telling him and that alone was eating her up. Like the fact that she had sex with Nicholas recently. Astra was relieved that Nicholas had left her alone. She had not heard from him since their night together and even though she claimed to be happy about that, she was actually worried about him.
"You are so lost in thoughts Astra. What is the problem?" Jared asked, for a moment she forgot that Jared was watching her.
"Oh, nothing. I am just a bit nervous about my interview on Monday," she said. It was not entirely a lie. She was applying for a job as a lawyer at an advertisement firm. It was the best job out of the three interviews she was going to attend. "Oh yeah, that's right. I will definitely miss you at work when you leave. It won't be the same without you," Jared said and Astra smiled. They were both in the park, seated on a blanked laid on the grass, they were having a little picnic. Astra and Jared were getting more creative with their date ideas each time. They had gone to a musical concert, bowling, tried several restaurants. It was so nice, she did not have such an extensive dating experience with Nicholas. It had just been meeting, having lots of sex and then getting married. She was grateful for the experience with Jared.