The Girl Who Was Buried in Her Ball Gown

I was sitting in the lounge, watching Nikki and the boys play a game of ‘hearts’, that they were trying to teach Tim how to play as they needed four people, to play the game. He was their convenient and attentive student.

It was pleasant to see them all together, and seeing the boys laying aside their competing for Nikki’s favour, or whatever you called it. They were all just enjoying each other’s company.

Mum’s body, had finally given up the baby the week before, naturally and it wasn’t such a traumatic event as it could have been. It was sad, sure, but not traumatic. If the baby had died later along in the pregnancy, it would have been a whole lot worse for Mum. The placenta came away without too much blood and mess conveniently, as she was on the toilet at the time. Afterward, she sat there for a spell and cried softly. I even managed to appear for a moment — just to comfort her. I was her other lost baby. I told her what my little ‘brother’ had said about not having a name yet and how he would be waiting for one. A light came on inside Mum and she recovered from her ordeal, with a new, steely look in her eyes. She, and Dad were going to name the baby! Giving him a name would in some ways help them with a closure, a healing, a completion and she was right.

After a few days, they had his name, one that could be either a girl or a boy because they didn’t really know for sure, what sex he was and what they chose was beautiful! So beautiful, that I literally jumped up on the inside of myself, if that was even possible. They named him Tony. Now I know the spelling of Tony is a bit different for boys and girls, but it was the perfect name, well that’s what I thought anyway and I didn’t care what anyone else thought. I was very happy and also hopeful that I would see Toni again, my first real — ahh, dead friend. Gee that sounded so bad, but it was true! I had found Toni, after her horrible demise and helped her to cope with this new non–existence; I really felt that I was going to see her again soon. Oh, and the gift! The precious gift she had given, after she died, to Sophia! His name being Tony, meant so much. More to me than what Mum and Dad could have ever hoped to know, or understand. Amazing! Amazing Grace! I was elated!

As I sat there, thinking about these things and watching their card game, I suddenly looked at each of them, like really looked into their faces and thought about who these precious people were and what we had all been through, together and also apart.

Martin, beautiful Martin. My first (and last) kiss, boyfriend and lover (I wish), all of those things. Our few moments together, alive and the many moments together when I wasn’t. I’m going to miss you so much! I’m amazed how strong you have become, so resolute and kind–hearted. So handsome too, even your walking stick was appealing, mysterious. It does it for me Martin and it looks good on you!

Nikki, my little blister whom I (and the angel — Peniel) had saved from that disgusting creature, Jim Cotter! Ewww! And how I walked you home afterward and actually held your hand. I’m so happy you remained oblivious to the event, I’m really glad of it and hope you don’t ever find out just how close he truly was, to destroying your special soul.

Since then, you have grown into a beauty. Heck, you’ve even got a bigger chest than I have, you little brat, ugh!

I will never forget the many conversations we’ve had, nor the ones with Martin either. We’ve had so many virtual conversations the three of us, mind–melds. We have given each other such strength and tenacity, through the hard times and the good. My beautiful not–so–little sister, you’re surely going to enjoy a long life, a lot longer than mine and you’ll have so many more experiences than I have ever had, I just know it!

Oh Nikki, if only I had some farewell words of wisdom to share with you, but realistically you are wiser than I am already, and you will gain more experience than I could ever hope to. So, all I can do is simply watch over you, love you and be a listening ear when you have tough times of your own. I hope you don’t forget about me, not yet. I hope you will still share your secrets, your hopes and dreams with me and also your wisdom and passion.

My little bro’ Tim. Such a soldier, you’ve been so sweet and I wish I could stick around, to see you grow up because you’re a smart, caring kid and I’m sure you’re going to break plenty of girls’ hearts over the years. Or maybe not. Maybe you’ll be the sort that gets it right first time, then you won’t have to deal with any emotional aftermath.

Patrick, my (literal) killer. I wish you didn’t go through all of the stuff you’ve been through. I think you’ve been whacked by the worst end of the stick. After all, it was you who started this whole string of events and got behind the wheel at that ball. It was you, who got drunk in a forbidden binge. No alcohol was allowed at the junior ball, remember! But, look where that foolish mistake had got us… all of us.

In some ways, I should hate you, but I don’t; I should curse you but I can’t. Besides, I think you’ve had far worse punishment than you deserve. You’ve endured the most humiliating of things. You still carry the scars and not only the scars, but the shame of it and the condemning responsibility of my death on your hands!

I know it was all an accident but oh, the ripple effect it has caused and the devastation! Life–long regrets and forever nightmares, I would not wish that upon anybody!

I remembered what Dad had said and also Mum, about how we need to forgive. We should never put ourselves above God, above Jesus! After all, we have been forgiven, we have been purchased by His blood. We are not God!

So, I told him, “Patrick, this is really hard for me but, I forgive you! Yes! I FORGIVE YOU! I do! Can I forgive myself? I’ll have to try! But I forgive you!” Would he hear me?

As I was saying these words, I felt a little hand slip into mine. It gave me a bit of a shock actually, because I didn’t expect it. I looked down and saw a tiny, angelic face looking up at me, his blue eyes were full of wisdom, wonder and excitement! Then he turned his head toward the four who were playing cards and I saw each of them looking up at me! Martin, Nikki, Tim and Patrick. They were looking directly at me and the little boy holding my hand.

He asked in a high–pitched, soprano voice, being the child that he was, “Can you tell me who they are?” I was shocked into silence but then I managed to speak between a few stifled gulps.

“This is Martin. And Nikki, my sister…”

“…Mine too!” He said “Hi Nikki. Oh, and that must be Tim! Hi Tim.” His face glowed.

“Ahh, yes! How do you know that, little feller?” Tim asked.

“Because you’re my big brother.”

What? Who was this little boy? Is it...

Both Nikki and Tim waved at him and said “Hi,” and Nikki asked, “Who are you then?”

If anything, this boy was enthusiastic and even more so when he announced his name, his new name and I thought I had never been more surprised until he spoke it.

“Mum and Dad have named me Tony.”

Our jaws dropped, our faces went white; here was our unborn little brother, that Mum had given up only a week before and he looked like he was three–years old! My mind went off the radar! How was this possible? But then I realized, just how little I really did understand and that I just had to accept this strange and wonderful encounter, this unusual event as gospel. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry and I didn’t know what I wanted!

Finally, after some effort I managed to compose myself and introduce Patrick to Tony. As I was about to open my stunned mouth again to speak, I felt a tingling and gush of power, pure power! I was heating up from inside and suddenly waves began travelling from the very core of my non–body. It was like lava, rushing through my veins, only it didn’t burn and it wasn’t unpleasant. It crept up my torso and then detoured to each of my limbs, elbows, knees and then to my very extremities. It was beautiful, peaceful and all empowering. What was going on?

“We’ve got to go now Emma, He’s calling us home. Can you hear Him?” Tony replied to my internal questions.

I began trembling and almost vibrated upward, like I was becoming even lighter than I had already been, in this ghostly body. I noticed all four pairs of (living) eyes were lifted upward, watching me, following me to who knows where. Heaven? I was trying to speak but no sound came out, although I could hear every other sound around me; I heard the foursome taking deep, inward breaths in total surprise, wonder, excitement! I heard the radio playing in the kitchen where Mum was and I heard her muttering a prayer or something. My senses magnified everything: the lighting, the textures and surfaces of items around the room, I could see the weave on the couch fabric and the playing cards (the queen of hearts was in Tim’s hand, the ace of clubs was in Nikki’s hand, I could even see the details of all the cards already tossed into the pile in the middle of the table!).

The room was spinning. Or was it me? I couldn’t tell the difference, but I was travelling in a circle round and round, while those looking at me never moved, yet their eyes never lost sight of me, nor my youngest brother. I was rapturous and still, unsure of what was going on, what was happening. And Tony spoke to me reassuringly, as if he knew what I was thinking, “It’s okay Emma, we’re going home.” Tears, those stupid tears again! Gah, when would I ever sort myself out? Yet, I felt at peace and just knew it was going to be alright.

We spun upward and out of the ceiling of the house, yet I could still see everything inside, like the roof had been taken off a huge dolls’ house. I could see Mum, baking something in the kitchen while the others in the lounge, had gone back to playing cards as if they didn’t even know I had just been with them.

The street we lived on came into view, as I rose skyward and I could see the people everywhere, all in fine detail. I heard every conversation people were engaged in, different music that was playing and an array of noises from all about. I could even see Pohane!

Pohane and her minions, were whispering into the ears of the many souls below. Her voice (and the voices of her minions) dripping with liquid sarcasm and making promises that were plain disgusting! She turned her evil face toward me, as if she knew I was no longer within her reach, and scowled a wicked glower at me, her teeth gnashing violently. I could hear her guttural screaming! “Emma! You bitch!!” It didn’t matter to me anymore, her words were empty; hateful but empty. She soon turned her back on me and continued drilling lies into the head of a boy whom was slouching against the bus stop on the corner. He was looking at the girl in tight, revealing clothes across the other side of the road and didn’t notice Pohane at all. Inside the girl, under her skin, I could see other demons too: fear, lust, addiction and a few others.

As I rose higher and the tingling spread rapid–fire all over me the vision below, began to fade as if being overtaken by spotlights, each one, punching holes into the darkness and dissipating every shadow and shade to naught. I could feel myself racing through space at impossible speeds. Stars whizzed past me, earth became tinier by the second. The moon soon covered the earth and then it too became smaller, as the stars seemed to consume the moon. The universe was spinning, drawing me to a brightness of the likes I could never have imagined. I looked over at Tony, still holding my hand and around us were angels that I hadn’t see before this moment, there were at least twenty of them in their gleaming attire, swords in their sheaths or other weapons of choice. I even saw Peniel! The angel who had protected Nikki, that time Jim was stalking her. He was wielding his taiaha, in place of a sword that other angels carried. He winked at me and I felt good.

As we entered the brightness I could see so many faces, faces of people I recognised who had already come home, before me.

A man, whom the light resonated from announced, “Emma Rose Walters is here! Welcome child.” I heard, what sounded like the massive boom of an intense waterfall and from within the sound, I made out voices of those who I already knew. They were coming from within the excited crowd, and then I saw the blonde, curly hair that I recognised immediately, gleaming! She was here… and so was… oh, I was bursting with joy before I could speak their names. Here they were at long last, and I was with them once again; forever!