The Falcon Ridge Series Book 1 She's Not For You

MICHAEL

Ok. I know I'm being used.

At first, I didn't care. I mean, who wouldn't want a hot, bad ass chick coming to you for the occasional hook up. If you're any kind of red-blooded male wolf, you'd be crazy to say no.

Anna’s all kinds of sexy. Her body doesn’t stop and makes any man worth his salt, drool like a horney dog.

When I met Anna five years ago, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. She’s driven, has no problem saying what's on her mind and when she wants to dig her claws into you, there’s no fighting it.

Maybe I’m weak, but that in itself, drove me crazy.

I’ve never met anyone like Anna and I don’t think I ever will.

It’s not just the sex. She’s an amazing person, once you get past the leather and angst. She has a big heart and needs to be everyone’s great protector. It may be because of what happen in Timber, but I honestly believe that this is Anna.

Due to her independent lifestyle, we agreed to keep it casual. Well, she agreed, I haven’t slept with anyone else since we agreed.

The deal is no commitments, no guilt, just hook up when the need arises, but walk away when the deed was done.

And for years, it worked. I was totally fine with it. I was happy to serve. I got what I wanted out of it. I get to sleep with the one woman I want and she gets her satisfaction from me.

The downfall? I’m not the only one. Whenever I see her leave with someone else, my wolf bites at me. My fist balls and I just want to deck him. I don’t know when it started, but, somewhere along the line, I started caring. Like really caring.

I started caring about every time I woke up and she was gone. Every time she'd walk away with her 'See ya later, tiger.' I started caring about every guy she’d flirt with or leave with. Every time she wasn’t with me, my heart dropped. I didn't want her to leave. I want to hold her. Wake her up with kisses. Cook breakfast while I gaze at her in one of my shirts.

I know what your thinking. Just walk away, Mike. You don’t need it.

The problem is, Anna’s a drug. I’m addicted. I’m so addicted, I don’t think there’s enough rehab in the world that can get me to quit her.

Yeah, it's fucking stupid, but it's how I feel, damn it.

Wednesday night was a definite crossroads, I’ll have to admit. Having me behind the bar was new and although, it was exciting, I felt dirty.

After she left, I sat and thought for a long time. I thought about how this situation was getting more fucked up as the days went on. It's getting to the point where it hurts to see her every night on patrol. Knowing that she will never allow me to make her mine.

I'm just glad she was posted somewhere else after that. I don't think I could face her so soon.

I was determined to get my head straight the next night until I heard of the rogue attack.

I lost it. Freaked out. I left my post, crossed through Falcon Ridge and to the southern border.

When I got to the scene, I saw them dirty, tired bleeding. Surrounded by patrollers and medics.

I made sure to stay out of sight, so I wouldn't get caught. I had to just see if she was ok. From the bushes, I watched Anna bark orders and organizing the takedown of the rogue. I breathed a sigh of relief that she was fine.

Then I saw something that made me watch a little closer. She was talking with some guy I've never seen before. The looks on his face didn’t sit right with me. I think I saw almost the same look on Anna’s face. My wolf ran circles in my head. Itching to get out. I'm not sure if it was to comfort Anna or kill the guy she was talking to, but I knew I needed to leave before I got in shit.

I was hoping to run into her at the station the next night, but she was gone so I headed to the bar.

As I approached, she was walking with the same guy from the scene. I could only see the side of his face as they walked into the bar. It looks innocent enough, but he’s starting to piss me off.

I hung back a minute or two until they were inside then I followed them, trying to keep myself invisible. I need to see what’s going on.

I take my beer and grab a table in the back where I can watch from a distance. My leg is bouncing as my wolf spins circles. He feels my agitation.

Leaning in the table, I roll my bottle in my palms as they talk. She laughs and he’s obviously nervous to be around her. The longer I watch, the more I want to throat punch him.

My lip curls up more with every laugh he makes her have. My heart beats faster as I tip my beer back. If I don't leave, I'll start something. So, I slip out without Anna noticing.

As I walk, with no real direction, I find myself outside her house. A tiny, white, two bedroom two story. I always feel at home here with her, but most nights, she ends up kicking me out. I get it. She hates attachments, but I can’t help it if it stings just a little.

I stand under a street light with my hands in my pockets. Chewing my cheek, I look around the dark, quiet street.

I give my head a shake, put one foot in front of the other and walk up her walkway to her steps. On the second step, I turn and park my ass, leaning on my knees.

Scrubbing my face and hair with my hands, I don't know even know why I’m here. All of sudden this girl has changed me into some sort of creepy stalker.

I should just go.

I stand with a pathetic sigh and slowly walk down her steps.

My foot hits the concrete just as I hear the growl of a motorcycle engine coming up the street.

I watch her headlight while shielding my eyes, as she pulls into the gravel driveway.

"Michael?" She fixes her wind swept hair before getting off her bike. Fuck, she looks so good like that.

I put my hands in my jacket pockets. "Uh, hey. Hi....Anna." I shrug as I slowly approach her.

She pockets her keys and closes the gap between us. "What are you doing here?" She stuffs her own hands in her pant pockets.

I glanced at the ground then up into her heart stopping eyes. "I...um...heard about the Rogue attack and stopped by to see if you were OK. I missed you at the station so I thought I’d wait…or something." I don’t even know what I’m saying. I look down and kick at the gravel stone in the tufts of weeds.

She pulls out her keys, walks by me and heads for her door. "Yeah. Sure. Thanks. I'm...uh. I'm ok. It takes more than a little rogue to bring me down." She smiles as I turn and follow her to her door.

I hold her outside screen door while she unlocks the inside one. "You sure? It sounded bad." I casually breathe in her scent. Damn, she smells good tonight.

She opens the door. "I'm fine, Michael. Really." She glances over her shoulder at me as she walks in.

I take a step toward the entrance to her house and stab my fingers through my hair. "Okay. Just checking. I'd hate if anything happened to you."

She turns and puts her hand on my arm. "You're sweet, Michael, but, I'm a big girl. I can handle myself." She ticks her lips up and gives a quick nod before removing her jacket and hanging it up.

"I know...I mean, you kick my ass." I chuckle. "It's just..." I trail off not knowing how to say what I want.

"Just what?" She raises her brow. "You're not getting soft on me, are ya, tiger?"

"No. No. Just forget it. It's not important. Have a good night. Glad you're ok." I huff a little laugh and give a warm smile. “Night.”

I turn and walk down the steps. The smile I faked quickly faded.

"Michael. You sure you're, ok?" She calls out to my back.

I don't turn around. "Yep. I'm cool.” I raise my arm in a wave and I turn down the sidewalk.

But I'm not ok. I'm confused as hell. I want to run back. Tell her how I feel, but I don't. I know how she feels about me.

After a block, I stop and pull out my phone.

Open up Anna's contact and just stare at it. I want to text her, but instead I close it and open Rez’s number.

YOU: Hey, man.

After a moment, I get buzzed.

REZ: Hey. What's up.

YOU: Nothing.

YOU: No, that's a lie. I'm fucked up.

REZ: What's wrong?

YOU: Anna.

Rez: Geez, man. You need to let it go. She's not that into you.

YOU: I can't. I can't do it, Rez. Anna’s special. I don't know how to tell her.

REZ: If you tell her, she'll just stop seeing you. Is that what you want?

YOU: No.

REZ: Well, then, stop thinking dude. Enjoy what you have now.

YOU: Yeah, ok.

I close my phone and stick it in my pocket. I'll just head home. This whole thing is pointless. All I’m doing is torturing myself by thinking Anna could think of me as more than just a hook up. The problem is being without her just makes me feel worse.

If I can't tell Anna how I really feel, then I should end this whole thing. End it for my own mental health. Just move on.

I was almost home when my phone buzzed. I pull it out and open it.

ANNA: Hey, tiger. Thanks for stopping by tonight.

YOU: No problem. Like I said, just checking up.

ANNA: I shouldn't have let you leave. I could use a night cap. Wanna come over?

I stare at her message. This is when I make the big decision. This is when I either tell her how I feel or tell her no.

I drop my phone to my thigh, place another hand on my hip and lower my head. I slowly shake my head as I raise my phone and respond the only way I know how.

YOU: Sure. Be there in 20.

I shove my phone in my pocket and turn around because that's how weak I am. I can deny myself, but I can't deny her. I’m driven to make her happy even if it makes me miserable.

I know there’s a lot more women out there that I could do that with, but there’s one problem.

They aren’t Anna.

Without her, I’m nothing. She gives me drive. The will to be better. I know that sounds like the complete opposite of how things are, but I feel like, if I be better, she’ll see me differently. I want her see me differently.

I need her to see me differently.

****

I stopped beating myself up about halfway there.

I pushed my feelings down and locked my wolf away. He is zero help.

I’ll be at her beckoned call because I know what she wants and I'll give it to her like I mean it.

That’s exactly what I did, too. I rocked her world and blew my mind. I put everything I had into pleasing her. I wanted her to feel all of me. I just hope she did.

As I lay in the sheets, with Anna on my chest, I try to think of a way to start the talk I need to have with her. I have to do it soon because she’ll want to get to bed and that means I have to leave.

I kiss her hair and she moans a tiny bit.

"That was so good, tiger." She says sleepily.

"I aim to please." I say as I toss out a quick smile, looking down at her eyes.

Her eyes study mine. "You alright? You seem off."

I shake my head on my arm behind my head. "I'm fine."

She pushes off my chest and leans on her elbow. "No. Somethings bothering you. I can tell." Her face grows concerned.

In my head, I think, now’s as good a time as any. I reach up, tuck her hair behind her ear and look into her amber eyes. "You ever have something so amazing, but want it to be even more amazing. The only thing is, you know, if you do try to make it more amazing, it could destroy everything?"

She looks at me with confusion on her brow. "No. I don't think I have." She tilts her head to me.

"Yeah, I didn't think so." I turn my head and look up at the ceiling.

She grabs my chin and makes me face her. "Michael, what's wrong?"

I blow out a breath and sit up. "I want to tell you. I really do, but I know how it'll sound and you'll just end things. I don't want that. I don't want things with us to end. So...Just forget it." I pull the sheet off, get up and bend over to pick up my jeans.

"Michael?” She sits up, pulling the sheet to her chest. “What are you saying? Do…Do you have actual feelings for me?"

She lifts herself on her knees and scoots to the edge of the bed as I stood. I spin around and do up my zipper. She looks like a fucking goddess.

I didn’t want to start anything. I didn’t want to be pressed knowing that I can’t use the words I really want to. I need to get out of here now. "No. Like I said, don't worry about it. It's stupid. I'm just going to go." I grab my shirt and boots and head out of the room.

"Michael..."

I heard her call as I walked down the hall to the stairs. I eye the walls around me. I want to punch my fist through them right now. Why did I even bother? I shouldn’t have said a damn thing. Now, my gut is sick and I know tomorrow or the next night, I’ll get the same beckoned call and the same treatment.

I don’t think I can do this anymore.

When I got to her door, she stopped me.

She turned me around and her face was covered in concern. I wanted to be mad at her. I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t. My throat closed as I stood there waiting for her to tell me not to leave. That she understood what I was getting at.

She understood, alright.

She tilted her head and locked her eyes with mine. "Michael. What we have...It's fun. Exciting and yes, amazing. Making it more would take that away."

I watch her beautiful fingers run down my bare chest. The lump grows and I swallow past it. It’s not going to change, is it? She doesn’t want it. She doesn’t want me. Just what I can give her.

I have no other choice.

I grab her hand off me. "Or it could be the best damn thing that ever happened to us." I look outside and then I turn back to her. I suck in my top lip and heave a breath. “But it’s pointless, isn’t it?”

I turn and leave her on the doorstep.

"Michael." She whispered.

"Good night, Anna."

I throw my shirt on and stuff my hands on my pocket. Walking home, I think things through.

I can do this. I think I can do this.

I stop and turn my pain faced over my shoulder, looking back.

I turn back and hang my head.

I can’t do this.