The Fake Out: An utterly hilarious and totally heart-warming romantic comedy

I like your shirt. I’d like it more on the floor next to my bed.

—LEANNE P.T.

Dreamboat: Are you tired?

Me: Why?

Dreamboat: I know you spend all day making shhh happen.

Me: Wow.

Dreamboat: You like it, and you know it.

Me: Why are you bothering me?

Dreamboat: ’Cause I know how much you miss me.

Me: I saw you two hours ago at lunch.

Dreamboat: You don’t have to admit it. I know it in my heart.

Me: What do you want?

Dreamboat: I have a question.

Me: ???

Dreamboat: How do you feel about getting dressed up?

Me: Why?

“This is not what I imagined when you said ‘getting dressed up.’”

Chris laughed, low and a little evil. “I think you look hot.”

“That’s because I am hot.” I attempted to pat at the sweat on my forehead with a giant paw. It did not help. “It’s got to be a million degrees in this thing.”

Not even in my very active imagination would I have put myself at the children’s hospital in Houston wearing a rabbit suit on a Thursday evening. Not some sexy little playgirl number with bunny ears and a little tail either. This was a head-to-toe costume from the tip of the very long, sticky-uppy ears to the oversized bunny feet. In between all that was a round, fluffy body covered in a polka-dotted pink dress. My grandmother would be so proud.

Chris adjusted my bunny nose with its mile-long whiskers before taking a step back and giving me the once-over. “I think you are the very embodiment of Harriet the Heart Hare.”

Harriet the Heart Hare was the mascot for the Children’s Heart Fund and, as such, she showed up at all their events. While a woman named Molly usually did all the gigs in the Houston area, she was sick. So, I’d volunteered.

Was volunteered? Something like that.

“I think I’m ready.” I took a step forward and almost fell flat on my face.

“Whoa.” Chris steadied me and hooked his arm through one of mine. “We don’t want Harriet to look like she’s been knocking back margaritas all day. You hold onto me and we’ll make the rounds.”

“Easy for you to say,” I grumbled and picked up one oversized foot and winced as it slapped down on the linoleum hospital floor.

With a chuckle, Chris guided me down the brightly painted hallway toward a larger room the staff called the game room. Chris explained this wing was for kids with heart issues. Many were returning guests and often stayed for weeks at a time.

“Chris,” said a woman in jeans, an Elmo t-shirt, red high-top Converse and an ID badge swinging from her neck. “It’s good to see you.”

“Hey, Dr. C.” He held up his hand. “Nice shoes.”

Grinning, she gave him a high-five as we passed.

“She’s a cardiothoracic surgeon. One time, with the family’s permission, I got to watch her put a heart stent in. It was amazing.”

“You mean you hadn’t already done that to earn your Surgery badge?”

“Funny. Can we pick up the pace a little here? I’d like to see the kids before they graduate from high school.”

“Well, excuse me. It feels like I’m walking around inside a seven-hundred-pound sauna.” I batted away one of the rabbit ears dangling in my face. “I don’t get to strut around wearing a football jersey and shorts.”

And looking very good in them, of course. The jerk.

We passed a couple of nurses who called out greetings, a mother coming out of one of the rooms who Chris paused next to and gave a side hug, and a woman pushing a cart full of cleaning supplies who he stopped to ask about her son in college.

“So, do you come here often?” I asked.

“Now who has cheesy pickup lines?”

I scowled, which only made my bunny nose twitch and Chris laugh.

“At least twice a year. Usually around Easter. Then around the holidays when I can get away, I lay on the guilt and get a bunch of the guys from the team to visit. We have a big party. All the kids are invited, even the ones who aren’t currently patients. There’s a ton of food and games and a visit from Santa. Oh, and karaoke, which I am awesome at.”

“I can imagine,” I said in a dry voice. “Is this the only one you visit?”

“I try to get to others when we’re at away games if I can sneak off for a couple of hours. I visit the one in Oklahoma City more because my sister has spent a lot of time there.”

“Ninety-five,” a voice yelled as we passed a patient room with the door propped open. It was the number on the back of Chris’s jersey.

With a grin, he stopped and backtracked taking me with him. “Yo, Carmichael.”

I hovered by the door while Chris walked over to the hospital bed where a young kid was laying, a toothy smile stretched across his thin face. They did a complicated handshake and Chris sat on the edge of the bed while the boy began to chatter excitedly. My heart did a funny sort of flip that was hard to ignore. I tried to, of course.

“You aren’t Molly,” a woman said beside me.

I jumped (oh, the irony) and struggled to turn my entire bunny body to see her. The tall Black woman clutching a generic cup of hospital coffee smiled at me. “Nope, not Molly. She couldn’t make it.”

She tilted her head toward Chris and the boy. “That’s my son, J.J. I’m Erika.”

“Nice to meet you. I’m Mae. I would shake your hand, but…” I held up a paw.

With a chuckle, she took a sip of coffee and winced. “I swear this stuff is watered-down bayou sludge. I’m glad Chris stopped by. When we heard he was coming, J.J. was upset the doctors wouldn’t let him go to the game room. Too many germs at once.”

“How’s he doing?” I flushed. “Oh, gosh. I’m sorry. You don’t even know me. I didn’t mean to pry.”

“Oh, no. It’s alright.” She patted me on my bunny shoulder. “He’s on the mend now. He had a setback but that’s expected. He had a heart transplant earlier this year.”

“That’s good to hear.”

“Chris has been a big support through all of it.” She smiled widely. “About two years ago, things were looking grim with J.J. My husband was laid off and, on top of that, our car died. One morning, I look outside and there’s a minivan in my driveway, paid in full. I know it was from him. Never would confess to it though.”

“That’s… wow.” A warmth spread through me that had nothing to do with how hot this rabbit suit was.

“Exactly… wow.” With an affectionate smile, she gave me another pat on the shoulder. “I’m gonna go say hi. It was nice to meet you. Maybe I’ll see you again sometime.”

After she disappeared into the room, I hobbled to the nurse’s station and leaned on it for support. Chris found me there and offered me his arm.

“Where’s your jersey?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Gave it to J.J. I have plenty more where that came from anyway.”

“This is really important to you, isn’t it?” I asked, my voice quiet.

“Yeah, it is.”

I’d always believed a person’s actions spoke louder than their words. My father had shored up that lesson for me early on. Chris’s actions were telling a story. These kids, this place, were his passion.

Chris paused about ten feet from the game room. In the doorway, a little boy with two missing front teeth and giant blue eyes gripped an IV pole and hopped on the tips of his toes with excitement. Chris waved.

He turned me to him, his expression stern. “I need to say something serious right now.”

“Don’t mind the rabbit suit. I have my serious face on.” I twitched my nose for effect.

“Harriet the Heart Hare is a very nice hare. She brings happiness to sick little kids and their families.”

“I get it,” I said, trying and failing to reach an itch on the back of my neck. These giant bunny paws were useless. The Easter Bunny did not get enough credit.

“That means,” he continued, “you’re going to have to push aside your natural inclination to being a grump.”

“Excuse me.” I stamped one of my bunny feet. “I do not have a natural inclination to being a grump. I am a perfectly nice person.”

Chris gave me what could only be called a dubious look. “I don’t know. The other day I’m pretty sure you threatened to shove my phone in a place it did not belong.”

“It was one in the morning, and you wouldn’t stop texting me.”

“Don’t turn this around on me. My point is, you need to be nice to the children. If you make any of them cry…” He shook his head.

“I am not going to make anyone cry,” I snapped. “I work with kids every day.”

That dimple popped out on his cheek. “I know. I just like to mess with you. You kind of have a quick temper there, Freckles.”

I released a big enough breath that my whiskers bounced in response. “You are so irritating.”

He tapped me on my bunny nose and offered me his arm. “Let’s hop to it.”

“Har, har.” I laced my arm through his. “And don’t call me Freckles.”