The Fake Out: An utterly hilarious and totally heart-warming romantic comedy

I wish I could be your derivative, so I could lie tangent to your curves.

—MARIA S.

From: Peter Stone <[email protected]>

To: Maebell Sampson <[email protected]>

Subject: Cease and Desist

Maebell,

It appears someone has signed me up to receive a subscription to a magazine called Girls and Corpses and then had it delivered to my office. It scared Maria half to death when she opened it.

Tell Alicia Ramos to knock it off.

Peter

Ali got points for creativity. I pulled out my cell phone and shot off a text.

Me: Girls and Corpses?

Ali: Hey, it wasn’t a glitter bomb. I think I showed real restraint.

Me: I’m supposed to tell you to stop.

Ali: Duly noted and ignored.

Me: You’re a good friend.

Ali: I know.

I set my phone down and unlocked the library door for the morning crowd. By the time I returned, I had another text.

Ali: Did you see this?

The link she’d added was to a gossip site called Let Me Spill the Tea. The post at the top caught my eye immediately.

Oklahoma Stars’ Chris Sterns’ Vegas Birthday with a Special Guest

Chris Sterns has a reputation for being a team player on the football field and an Eagle Scout off it (no, really, he’s an actual Eagle Scout). He’s been very vocal about using his platform for good and spends his free time fundraising and visiting sick kids in hospitals.

But the Oklahoma Stars’ defensive end has always been hush-hush about his dating status and the personal deets about his life. Aside from an occasional red carpet walk with a model or actress, he’s never been photographed with anyone. Anyone!

Until now. Gather round and let me tell you.

In early February, Chris celebrated his twenty-eighth birthday with several of his fellow Stars’ teammates Las Vegas-style. A little gambling, a lot of drinking, and, it appears, the company of some special new dancing friends. Clothing was optional, it seems.

If the rumors are true (and girl, there is evidence!), Chris Sterns was seen entering his room with one mostly naked woman draped on his arm at a certain high-class Vegas hotel.

The woman has currently not been identified but a contractor hired for the party did confirm Sterns and the mystery woman were seen together multiple times. Did I mention there is a video? Although this happened six weeks ago, the video recently surfaced from an anonymous source.

While this may seem like typical NFL player behavior, it’s very out of character for Sterns. The Children’s Heart Fund, which Sterns acts as the spokesperson for, is already starting to send out some indications they may be trying to distance themselves from any possible scandal. I guess strippers and sick kids is not a good look.

As for Chris Sterns? No one knows exactly where he is right now and he’s being awfully close-lipped about the whole situation. But don’t worry, he can’t hide for long.

And there was proof. The video showed a long-legged blonde draped all over Chris’s shoulder, a small blanket draped around her. Although someone had blurred out the important bits, it was clear she wasn’t wearing much of anything. Except for some very high heels and some bunny ears.

Even though the photographer wasn’t especially close, it was still easy to make out her giggled, “Oh, my stars, Chris. I can’t believe you’re here.”

Chris mumbled something too low for the camera to pick up. When they got to the door to a hotel room, he steadied her while he dug around for his key. Chris ushered her inside. Just as the door closed, he could be heard saying, “Now let me take care of you.”

“Of course.” I muttered and tossed my phone down, a heaviness settling in my chest. If I’d learned anything in life, it was that most men were not what they seemed. Look at my father, Peter, even Ali’s ex-boyfriend.

But somewhere in the last three weeks, I’d grown to tolerate Chris, even like him. As a friend. I mean, sure he was a little annoying and kind of arrogant and flirted with abandon, but he was sort of sweet and thoughtful and smart.

Also, those opposable thumbs should not be overlooked.

Worst of all? I’d started to respect him. I’d even started to think there were guys out there who weren’t like my father or Peter. There was hope for mankind. Hope for me, to one day find a good man because they existed.

Clearly, they did not. I rubbed my chest, recognizing the feeling for what it was.

I was disappointed. Kind of like when you finally realize Santa isn’t real.

Apparently, the Chris Sterns I’d gotten to know wasn’t all that real either.