The Fabric of our Souls

Yelina and I run into the west wing, my heart beating faster with each step we take into the dim hallway. Light fixtures crafted to look like lampposts jut out every ten feet with a warm glow that isn’t quite bright enough to feel welcoming.

She lets out a laugh that rings through me and pulls us into a small closet, pushing her finger to her lips as Jericho runs by the door.

My clothes are soaked and the chill is starting to set in now that I’m not dancing like a lunatic in the rain. I wrap my arms around myself to retain any heat I have left. “Why are we hiding?”

Yelina winks at me. “Because Jericho is fun to fuck with.” She laughs and cracks the door to peek out. “Okay, I think we shook him. Run to your room—”

The door pulls open, revealing Jericho with his arms crossed. His cheeks are red from chasing us, and his brows are pulled low with rage. “All right, out, both of you.”

Yelina sighs and rolls her eyes as she slides past him and exits. I move to follow her, but Jericho catches my shoulder and stops me. My eyes meet his and he scowls at me. “Day one, Coldfox. You found trouble on day one.” He emphasizes trouble like he’s talking about Yelina.

I can see how she’d be one to cause havoc. She’s beautiful and completely crazy. I’m tempted to ask Jericho why he considers her trouble, but think better of it.

I give him my most innocent smile. “We were just dancing in the rain. I wouldn’t consider that trouble.”

He doesn’t seem impressed and his brows remain firmly pinched as he guides me back to my room. “Who do you think gets reprimanded when the patients get sick from dancing in the freezing cold rain?” My shoulders droop. The moment I start to feel any fleeting emotion that makes me feel alive, it gets thwarted. “I want you showered and dressed before your afternoon group session.” I nod and don’t bother saying anything until we reach my room.

I let out a long sigh of relief when I find our room empty. I forego the shower and just dry my hair; I hate community bathrooms. If I’d known, I would’ve had James stop somewhere so I could grab flip-flops and a swimsuit, since adult men will be in there as well.

My cold, wet sweater clings to my skin. It’s heavy and difficult to pull off. I leave my clothes in a pile in the corner. I’ll have to have Liam show me where we do our laundry later. I grab my black pullover hoodie and tug it on. It falls a few inches above my knees, so I pair it with long black socks and fuzzy slippers.

The door clicks open and Liam peeks his head in. “Hey, sorry, wasn’t sure if you were dressed or not,” he mumbles as he steps in and opens his nightstand, pulling out a Band-Aid and wrapping it around his index finger.

“Well, most people just knock.”

He shrugs and gives me that damning smile of his. His blue eyes twinkle; his sharp features are to die for. “This is my room too, I don’t have to knock.” His eyes trail down my legs and then back up. “Nice outfit. Did depressed gnomes raid your closet or something?”

My cheeks heat. “I like wearing comfortable clothes.”

Liam puckers his lips like he’s trying not to laugh. “Yeah, I can see that. Anything besides black? What were you doing out there in the rain anyway?” He picks up the screen that I popped out of the window earlier and puts it back in place.

“Yelina said we were performing a rain curse or something.”

He lets out a deep chuckle and quirks his brows. “Did it help?” He’s looking at me with interested eyes like he’s genuinely curious about all the little things I have to say. Does he actually care?

Does it matter?

I shrug. “It was nice. Yelina is pretty friendly too.”

“Yelina is one of the crazier patients here. She might be friendly today, but we’ll see about tomorrow.”

That’s good to know. I grab my notepad from the nightstand and write down her name and the word unstable next to it. How else will I remember anyone here?

Liam’s eyes catch on my wet clothes in the corner and he shakes his head as he sighs. “Oh come on, you’re one of those roommates?” He picks up my drenched sweater.

I snatch the sweater from him. His scent sweeps over me as I do. “I was going to ask you where the laundry room was after our group session.”

He wraps an arm around my shoulder and butterflies flutter through my chest at the connection. “Let’s go now, then.” He guides me to the door and we step out into the hallway.

I shrink in his hold as we walk down to the bathrooms. Steam spills out as he opens the door and I’m instantly struck by the sight of naked men and women, all of them around my age, some older, some younger. A few moans rise from the last stall and my wide eyes flick up to Liam’s with horror.

A big smirk forms on his lips and whispers in my ear, “Just part of the therapy here, sunshine. Don’t be such a prude.” His voice drips with sarcasm. Heat pools in my stomach with the pleasure-filled sounds and Liam’s deep voice settling deep in my mind.

“Who says I’m a prude?” I throw back at him.

His eyes narrow at me and his smirk grows uncomfortably dark. “You think you can play on our level?” His hand clamps down on the nape of my neck; his fingers are cold and instantly make goosebumps rise across my arms.

Don’t let him intimidate you.

I reach down and cup his privates. His sweatpants leave him completely vulnerable, and based on his shocked expression, he didn’t think I’d grab his dick so freely. “Can you play on mine?”

A low groan rolls through his throat as he composes himself and leans into me further. My cheeks heat but I stand my ground.

“Wynn, I didn’t know you were so eager,” he says with a horrifying look on his face. His lips brush against my neck as he yanks my hand away from his dick. “Unless you want to get bruised in the showers though, I recommend we wait until tonight. I promise I’ll have your hips unaligned by morning.” He shoves me toward the laundry area.

My heart pounds wildly in my chest and I shoot him a glare over my shoulder. “You’re disgusting.”

“You started it.” He shrugs, looking down at me with callous eyes.

I’m writing James the angriest text after my group session.

We continue across the white tiles of the bathroom until we reach a small room in the back. A row of laundry machines stretches across the wall and on the opposite side are baskets with patient names taped on their rims.

Liam and Crosby.

I furrow my brow at the other name. “Who’s Crosby?”

“Nobody,” Liam mumbles as he grabs a Sharpie and crosses out the name, penning in Sunshine over it.

“Really?” I cross my arms but Liam ignores me.

Obviously, they were someone… In a place like this, surely they left because they got better, right? Why is death the first thing that comes to my mind when I see their name crossed out like that? Didn’t they matter?

“Crosby was your old roommate?”

Liam’s eyes turn cold and empty, sending a shudder of dread through me. “Drop it, Wynn. I won’t ask nicely again.” Irritation pulls at his features.

I guess I’ll have to ask someone else.

“All right, everyone, we have someone new with us today, so I want you to say your name and something you enjoy doing to introduce yourselves to Wynn.” Jericho leans back in his chair and points his pen at the woman to his right to start.

She’s a beautiful woman with brown hair, tan skin, long legs, and perfect boobs. “Hi, Wynn, my name is Poppie. I like reading books when I’m not dying inside.” My jaw drops and Jericho snaps up in his chair.

“No negatives, please.” He writes something down on his chart and glares at Poppie before pointing to the next person.

He’s a handsome man with light-brown hair and a baseball cap. His eyes lock with mine. His grin is soft, so unlike Liam’s. I quickly avert my eyes; I’ve never been good at holding eye contact.

“Lanston Nevers. I like coffee and taking long naps, and I want to die.”

My eyes flick back up.

He’s still looking at me. My chest churns. Someone as beautiful as him wants to die? I want to know why. Does he have the same pit of dread within him that I do?

Jericho taps his feet angrily against the floor. “What did I just say? Do any of you have even a shred of respect for me?”

Lanston just smiles and shoots me a wink. My cheeks warm. Maybe I can make friends here.

I listen as everyone in the circle says their name followed by something they like. Everyone ignores Jericho’s rules, apparently finding his fury amusing. The vein in his forehead protrudes the entire ten minutes and I’m half certain he’ll stroke out if I join in on their fun.

I realize it’s silent for a few moments and look from side to side. Everyone stares at me with expectant eyes.

“Oh, uh, I’m Wynn Coldfox. I like…” I pause. That’s how it always goes, isn’t it? You’re sitting there thinking the entire time about what you’re going to say and then it’s your turn and you have no clue what you’re actually going to spew out. “I like drying flowers.”

At my side, Liam huffs with annoyance like my answer is stupid.

“I’m Liam Waters, your roommate.” He glares at me and a few others laugh. Jericho’s brows are still pulled together firmly. “I like pain. So don’t be afraid to bite my dick while you’re sucking it tonight.”

My head turns and our eyes meet. At first I think he’s joking, but there’s a silent promise in his dark eyes.

“Waters—very inappropriate.” Jericho marks his chart, but everyone in the circle laughs. I mean, I heard people fucking in the shower earlier, so I’m not taking him too seriously either.

Liam shrugs and crosses his arms, leaning back in his chair.

“Why don’t we start with you today then, Waters? Since you seem so eager to talk.” Jericho taps on his clipboard with the end of his pen as he eyes Liam. They have to be close to the same age. What a hard job to perform, treating people your own age like children. Especially when it’s obvious no one here respects this man at all.

Liam puts his hands behind his head and looks at the ceiling. “I don’t have anything really to share today. I still like to hurt myself—still chasing the high of feeling alive. Nothing’s changed.”

Jericho watches him carefully. “And why do you think you relentlessly crave this feeling, Waters?”

Liam’s blue eyes flicker with pain. “Because it’s better than feeling nothing.”

I clench my hands in my hoodie pocket. It’s hard to hear others talk about their darkness. It hurts. But more than anything, I resonate with it.

The counselor nods and probes for more. “Do you find yourself using it as a form of self-punishment? When you feel you let others down?”

A weak, somber smile spreads across Liam’s lips and he looks back at Jericho with resolve flashing across his blue eyes. “Yeah. I do.”

“Then you aren’t trying to feel something, you’re trying to relieve your guilt by punishing yourself. You know this. Great job today, Liam.” Jericho flips the page in his notepad, his eyes locking with mine next. “Wynn, care to give it a try?”

I swallow hard. It’s really not something I like talking about. Not just the judgment that I’ve always faced, but there’s something about saying out loud the things that have only ever existed in my head. Almost as if once I actually speak it… it will become real.

Out in the world for everyone to see.

I shake my head and keep my eyes on the floor. The rain outside patters rhythmically against the windowpanes.

“That’s okay. Remington, go ahead.” He moves onto the girl to my left.

My breaths feel heavy. I tune out everything around me.

I’ve never been to a therapy circle before and the only people I’ve spoken to about all the shit inside my head are myself, my brother, and individual therapists. There are at least twenty people here… all of them listening and waiting for me to spill my soul out. The anxiety is too overwhelming.

The session lasts a little over an hour. Everyone talks about their sickness, and the more I listen, the easier it seems to just… let it out. They all speak briefly and oddly enough, after each one, I can see the weight lift from their eyes a bit. Like talking in a safe space helps them. I want to try again tomorrow.

“All right, head to dinner, everyone. Good progress today.” Jericho stands and everyone follows suit, heading for the hall that leads to the cafeteria, I’m guessing. “Coldfox, can you hang back for a second?”

I hate that he keeps using my last name; it reminds me of my old gym teacher who did that with everyone. Liam stands next to me silently. I’m assuming he’s just going to wait for me even though I wish he wouldn’t.

“You did good today,” Jericho says. “Most patients don’t talk their first day, so don’t let it get to you. We’ll have a full session tomorrow, so get some food and rest up tonight.” He pats me on the back and I try to give him a genuine smile.

Liam starts laughing and while I’m thinking it’s because of my dead eyes, Jericho seems completely shocked by his outburst.

“What’s so funny?”

Liam shakes his head, covering his mouth to hide his smile. “Nothing.”

“See you both tomorrow. Waters, behave and make sure Coldfox has everything she needs tonight.” He tucks his clipboard in his bag and heads out different doors than everyone else did.

I reluctantly follow Liam as he guides me to the cafeteria. “You’re eating dinner since you skipped lunch.”

I raise a brow at his demand. “Okay, anything else you’re going to force me to do besides eat?”

He glances at me from over his shoulder. “Sure, I’ve got plenty of things I can recommend, since you’re asking, sunshine.”