The Fabric of our Souls

Liam doesn’t play the piano as softly today. His timing is off and he presses the keys with too much emotion. It drowns out the light notes and emphasizes the more aggressive ones.

My heart sinks.

I shouldn’t have made him come with me in the basement. What we found really fucked with him. It’s been two days now and he still seems far away, somewhere distant in his mind. We shouldn’t be looking into the past. Maybe it’d be better for all of us if I just let it go and forget about it.

Jericho taps his clipboard like he notices the shift in Liam today too, but he ignores it as he calls my name next. “Coldfox, you’re up.”

I stand and pass Liam. He doesn’t look at me. His eyes are sunken and dark, as if he didn’t sleep a wink after we got back to our room.

Sitting on the wooden bench, I take a deep breath, feeling a song I thought I’d long forgotten the tune to rising in my soul.

He played for me when I was at my lowest. I’m unsure if this will pull him from the darkness he’s found himself in, but I have to try.

I straighten my posture and lift my fingers to the cold white keys.

“For the Damaged Coda” by Blonde Redhead.

This is a piece I know by heart. I close my eyes and let my hands play with the memories of my horrible past. Pain is what inevitably brings this song to life… because no great piece of art is made without a little suffering backing it.

Will I reach him?

I dare a glance over and he’s staring at me with surprise. I wonder if he knows this song too. Or perhaps he’s just stunned that I’m actually playing after sitting here and refusing to for the last three weeks.

The melody comes easy to my muscle memory, even though it’s been years since I’ve played. My hands remember and my heart knows the keys.

When I shut my eyes once more, I’m met with my mother’s angry face, her undiluted hatred for me glaring right into my soul. The scowl she wears wrinkles her nose in disgust and bores deep into my bones, instilling fear in my veins. The bruises she left on me never heal in my mind. Never.

Not good enough.

Never good enough.

I stop playing mid-song, dropping my hands into my lap and standing abruptly, dismissing the rest because I don’t feel like reliving some of the worst segments of my life.

It hurts too much. It’s easier to leave the bones in the grave undisturbed.

Jericho calls up the next person without meeting my eyes. As I step past him, he mutters, “Good job today, Coldfox. This is great progress.”

I manage a small smile at him before plopping into my seat. Liam looks over at me. The distant fear in his eyes has faded and in its place is awe.

“That was beautiful, Wynn.”

My shoulders slump. It was beautiful, but not on the inside. The music is lovely, but the havoc of playing corrupts my mind like poison snaking into what’s left of my shell.

I shrug.

He grips my chin and forces me to meet his gaze, and reluctantly, I do.

“Can you teach me to play that song?”

I raise a brow but I’m desperate to know: “Why?”

His blue eyes sear into me like the coldest rain. “Because it looked so painful, and I want to take that pain from you. We can make better memories for you to play to, don’t you think?”

A smile curls my lips and I nod. “I’d really like that.”

“It’s a date then.” He wraps his arm around my chair, and as he does, I see red bandages beneath his shirt.

The sight of his blood makes me nauseous. When did he do this? He was doing better… At least, I thought he was.

But I guess he probably wonders why I want to die, and I bet it makes him sad too.

Maybe we can cure one another.

Wouldn’t that be something…

Liam smiles sadly at me as he whispers, “It’s just a small cut, Wynn. Don’t look so upset. I tried not to… but I—”

I grin cruelly back at him because how dare he say something so dismissive about his illness to me. “I just want to die, Liam. Don’t look so glum.”

He barks out a laugh—maybe because it isn’t funny at all.

“That’s fair. But if you don’t exist, who will cure me?” His brow raises with interest. His dark eyes on me make my skin feel tight. He’s so beautiful it hurts, so broken it’s disastrous.

I want him to always look at me this way. With warmth and need—like I truly am his cure.

Jericho shoots us a disapproving glance and shushes us as the next person in our session takes a seat at the piano.

I cross my arms, rubbing the onyx ring between my fingers as I try to avoid looking at Liam. I close my eyes, trying to mentally prepare to meet Lanston tonight.

The onyx rings tie us together. Liam, Lanston, and me. I can’t help but wonder who they belonged to prior. Was one Monica’s? Why did they leave them out there in the field? Which ring do I have?

I’m not sure we’ll ever know. Sometimes it’s fun to wonder.

As our session ends, Jericho taps on his clipboard to get our attention before we all disperse. It feels like I’m in college all over again, and as nostalgic as it is, I don’t miss it at all. This place is much, much better. I’m not stressing myself into a heart attack over some stupid exam.

“All right, everyone, please remember that we’re heading to town on Friday next week for the Fall Festival. A little festive fun can be enlightening and inspiring. It’s going to be cold, so dress warm, and I know we’re all adults here, but we insist you buddy up because… well—”

“Because we’re not of sound mind,” Poppie remarks with a snide grin.

Jericho scowls at her but nods. “Yes… For your overall safety, anyway. Have a nice weekend, everyone. I’ll see you Monday morning, bright and early.”

Liam rolls his eyes at the counselor, and then his attention finds me. “Be my buddy?”

I shrug and walk past him so he won’t see the excitement blooming across my cheeks. “Who else would be?” I laugh. He follows after me and slows down once he catches up to my side. “Please tell me we have something planned for the weekend other than scary stories in Lanston’s room.”

Liam grins for the first time today and I’m glad to see it, though he frequently glances warily over his shoulders as if he’ll see Crosby looming in the hallway.

“Lanston wants to get tattoos this weekend. Care to join us?”

I raise a brow. “Really? What’s he getting? I’m surprised he didn’t mention it to me.” I guess there are still things we don’t share between the three of us.

“It’s a surprise.” He nudges me. “Just join us, you’ll see.”

“Okay. It will be nice to get out of this place for a bit.” I look out the windows as we walk down the hall. It’s only been three weeks, yet I feel like I no longer belong in the real world. I don’t want to go back.

I think of James, how much he must be paying for me to stay in a place like this. I hope I’m not wasting his time and money. The only thing I want to do is get better, and with Lanston and Liam, I think I have.

I need to text James back; we message each other frequently, but I haven’t gotten back to him today since his morning text.

Which reminds me: “How much does this program cost?”

Liam’s eyes widen and he looks down at me like I’m pulling his leg. “You seriously don’t know?”

I stare at him blankly.

“Shit. Well, per month, it’s around six thousand dollars, depending on the severity of the patient’s condition.”

My legs stop working and I come to a halt in front of our door. I stare at Liam and he stares right back at me like he’s unsure what he’s supposed to say. “I’m sorry, I thought you said six thousand.” I shake my head and laugh.

His frown grows and so does mine as reality comes bearing down on me.

“I did.”

No fucking way.

Nope, I’m packing right now.

How could James afford this? Why would he think I’d let him pay for this? Guilt swarms me and panic sets in. I need to pack my things and check out—three weeks, it’s been three goddamn weeks and that’s already over five thousand dollars.

“Wynn, what are you doing?”

“I can’t stay. My brother is paying for all this and I can’t do that to him,” I mutter absent-mindedly as I empty my nightstand drawer into my bag. “He’s all I have left and I’m such a fucking burden to him. I didn’t know it was that much… I should’ve asked him.” Tears blur my vision as I thrust open the closet doors and start grabbing sweaters off the hangers.

Liam grabs my arm and when I try to tug away from him, he firms his grip.

“Let me go!” I scream, inches from his face, overwhelming emotions rampaging through me. My blood is on fire and my breaths are labored. I sob and jerk my arm repeatedly to get away from him. “Liam, let me go!”

He grits his teeth and pulls me close, securing my thrashing arms and holding me so tight I can hardly breathe.

“Wynn… you need to calm down. Please,” he says in a soothing voice. But my inner demons are waging war, my heart beating too rapidly for me to hear reason.

I sink my teeth into his bicep but he still refuses to let me go.

“That hurts.” He chuckles darkly as he lowers himself to the floor with me still wrapped in his arms. “That fucking hurts so much, sunshine. You know I love pain, but I don’t think you’ll like what you leave behind.” His voice is hauntingly low and raspy.

My jaw trembles as my tears wet his sweater. A metallic sting touches my taste buds and I instantly release him, pulling my head back and looking up at his face with utter horror at what I’ve just done.

Liam’s eyes are a sea of calm and understanding, reeling me back in from my mania and instilling a new fear within me.

I’m afraid of what I can do when I’m not myself, in the brief moments when too many horrible thoughts run through my mind. This is why I hate myself. Because I do awful things to people I care about.

My eyes shift to his arm, where I sunk my teeth into his flesh. Blood seeps through his sweater and dizziness falls over me.

“It’s okay, Wynn. Are you okay?” He lifts his hand and brushes my cheek softly, but I’m too focused on his arm. Why isn’t he mad at me? I try to lift his sweater to see the wound; he needs to be treated immediately, he needs—

“Hey.” Liam guides me to face him once more, my eyes meeting his. The look he gives me is both bewitching and heart-wrenching. “Are you okay?”

He stares into my soul, waiting for an answer. My eyes fill with fresh tears and I shake my head.

“No.”

He cups both of my cheeks and pulls me in. His soft lips press against mine and with every beat of his heart, mine crumbles. His oak scent consumes me, and for a blissful moment, I’m not me anymore. I’m not the character I’ve hated my entire life.

I’m just a woman kissing a man.

Wynn kissing Liam.

Is it as simple as that?

Can it be?

Warm tears meet my lips and my eyes flutter open.

Liam’s crying.

I pull back and try wiping his tears away, yet they still trickle down his cheeks. “Liam, are you—”

“I’m not okay either,” he whispers, his voice trembling. “I’ve never been okay. But when I watch you fall apart, it hurts too much for me to bear. Please don’t go to those dark places, Wynn. Please stay here in the dim light with me. You’re my last hope—my cure.” He lets his arms hang heavily at his sides as he sobs, his forehead resting on my shoulder. “Let me try to help you, please.”

I wind my arms around him and hug him like it will be my last.

“I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you… but I did.” My fingers twine in his soft, dark hair. “I feel like such a burden on everyone. Even you, look what I did.” My shoulders tremble as I sob with him.

A knock comes at the door and before either of us can move, it clicks open. Lanston steps in, his eyes landing on me immediately. “What’s going on in here? I heard screaming.” He pauses when he sees blood and both of our faces covered in tears.

A few other heads peer in through the doorway but Lanston kicks the door shut and locks it before kneeling beside us.

“Did he hurt you?” Lanston’s hazel eyes search mine worriedly. Liam manages to glare at him but doesn’t respond.

Why would he think that?

I shake my head. “No. I… I hurt him.” My hands still tremble with the adrenaline rushing through my veins.

Liam stands, the air between us suddenly colder than it’s been in weeks. “Everything’s fine. Get out.” He scowls at Lanston , holding his arm to cover the red that’s spreading through the fabric.

Lanston looks at me once more and only stands to leave after I nod at him. “I’ll see you later, okay?” I utter, remembering we’re to meet tonight at the greenhouse.

“Yeah… See you later.” His eyes are filled with worry, but he reluctantly leaves.

I lock the door to make sure no one else bursts in on us and sit next to Liam on his bed. He doesn’t look at me—his eyes are weary and distant again. Instead of trying to talk, I open his drawer and grab his medical supplies.

He doesn’t fight me when I carefully pull his shirt off. The bite isn’t too deep, but it still broke his skin. Liam watches me in silence as I dab the wound with ointment and clean it before wrapping it with gauze and medical tape. Tears fall from my eyes as I work.

How could I do this? I’m just as awful as everyone says I am. Just as heartless and cold as I was raised to be. All I do is hurt people, no matter how hard I try not to. I can’t exist on neutral ground. No one sees me as the person I sometimes dream I am.

A nice girl.

A person worthy of love.

A soul that didn’t crawl up from hell.

If I wasn’t here anymore, it would all stop. The pain. The dread. All the things that hurt my stupid conscience… If I die, maybe I’ll wake up somewhere better.

Or I’ll just be dead.

And I’m okay with that too.

“Does that feel better?” I can’t keep the guilt from my shaky voice.

He meets my eyes and nods.

I move to get up but he grabs my wrist. I don’t turn to look at him. I remain facing my bed and looking at the mess I’ve made. I feel hollower inside than I’ve felt for weeks—since that night. That’s how fast I can make the decision. That’s how irrational and stupid I am.

I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to be me.

“You’re not going to leave, are you?”

My jaw tightens before I mutter, “What if I do?”

He slowly releases my wrist and I stand in place for a few minutes, neither of us saying a word, before picking my bag and sweaters off the floor.

Does he hate me again?

I know I do.