The End of the Beginning

“Captain, I am truly sorry for the loss of your squadron member. I knew that there had been a suicide on base but I didn’t know that they were a member of… of your team. I know words right now may not replace any sadness you may be feeling but… words will come nonetheless,” consoled Dr. Frydryck.

William was staring out the room’s window, at Umoja Tower. He did not feel like sitting today in his session so he remained standing. His hands were in his pockets.

“I don’t know what I’m more upset about doctor,” he said. “The fact that I missed any sign of this happening or the fact that I myself wanted to do the exact same thing just a short time ago.” Dr. Frydryck closed his eyes.

“I’ve never told anyone that, until now. Truth is, I was seconds away from ending my life if it were not for Roger Wood finding me at my home just in time.” “I’m unfamiliar with that name.”

“He works for UNIRO. He recruited me a month ago. He saved me. I was going to put a bullet through my mouth.”

“He doesn’t know his arrival stopped you?”

“No. He doesn’t.”

“You should thank him. It will mean a lot to both of you.”

William smiled. “Yes. I supposed it would.”

“Will,” sighed Dr. Frydryck, “as a matter of safety for yourself have you had any more suicidal thoughts since your experience a month ago? Have you tried to harm yourself since?” “None.”

“I figured,” nodded the doctor.

William turned his head to look over his shoulder. “How?”

“Tell me, do you worry more about others now than yourself. Has the death of Rescue Officer Mamedov kept you up at night?”

William turned his body a little and locked eyes with the doctor on the couch. “Yes. I worry about my team every second of the day. I lose sleep over whether or not we will all graduate training. I worry about whether or not I can keep them all safe out in the field once UNIRO begins operations. I hope, dare I say even pray sometimes, to anything up there, that I will never lose another team member in this manner again; in this dreadful, wasteful manner. A rescuer should never have to find themselves falling, alone. A rescuer should always find themselves catching those that are falling, with a team behind them ready to catch them if they find themselves falling as well.” “That answer says it all. The passion for others you have found again in your short time here is why I know you are a changed man. You are no longer the William Emerson this Roger Wood found a month ago. You aren’t scared for yourself. You are scared for others.” “I am scared for them. I’m scared that I won’t be able to protect them. I’ve never protected anyone I cared about before. I wasn’t able to save Samir, my men in Korea, Kyung, my grandmother, my grandfather…” “You never told me about your grandfath - ”

“I let Samir go, doctor. He looked into my eyes, and I into his, and watched him fall. He didn’t even scream or cry. He just fell. It was the easiest rescue I could have ever performed, and I failed.” Dr. Frydryck got up from the couch and walked over to William. He crossed his arms and looked out the window at the tower standing beside William.

“Did Samir fall because you let him or did he fall because he wanted to?”

William did not answer.

“If he wanted to, which from what you told me it sounds like he did, you may have actually saved him, Captain. A soul as troubled as that, in that moment, wants nothing more than peace.” “Perhaps…”

“It may be hard to understand now but you may have actually rescued him, Will. You need to stop believing every ill thing to happen in your life is your fault because most actually weren’t, including this suicide. Samir had his reasons, just as you did at one time.” William sighed with his head down.

“I believe there is still one thing holding you back,” said Dr. Frydryck, putting has hand on William’s shoulder. “One particular instance in your life above all else that you can’t let go of, that you keep blaming yourself for, effecting the way you look at yourself to this day. After talking to you for weeks now, that moment has become obvious to me.” “What moment is that?”

“Your grandfathers death. You haven’t told me how or when it exactly happened. You always refuse. You always turn away, both inside and out. You are clearly haunted by it and for as long as you shy away from it and don’t confront it, you will always bear a burden that you shouldn’t have to bear.”