SWNOVELS Chapter 56
I pace back and forth in our library, my eyes on the clock instead of the book in my hands. Every day for the last two weeks, Xavier has been coming home just a little later, his behavior slowly becoming more like it used to be, before he started to communicate with me, and it’s worrying.
My eyes light up when a soft chime sounds through the speakers we have all over the house, notifying me he’s finally home. I put my book down on our armchair before rushing over, expecting him to meet me halfway like he usually does, only to find him in our dressing room, his hands on his tie. “You’re home,” I murmur, walking up to him.
He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I’m home,” he says, his voice soft. I grin up at him and rise to my tiptoes to kiss him, but for the first time in as long as I can remember, he doesn’t instantly grab me to kiss me back.
“Is everything okay?” I ask, reaching for his tie to take it off for him.
“Just tired,” he says, not quite looking me in the eye. For several weeks now, he’s had nightmares every single night, and I can’t imagine the effect it’s had on him.
“I think you should consider speaking to a psychologist about what happened. I did, and it really helped.” It was one of the first things that Celeste insisted on when I’d recovered, and she drove me there every single day for a week straight, accompanied by armed bodyguards that my mother-in-law won’t let me leave the house without anymore. Xavier’s mom has done all she can to make sure I feel safe, and I haven’t had the heart to tell her that it’s overkill, and that I’m truly fine. As a Windsor, I was trained to survive an attempted or successful kidnapping, and as far as I’m concerned, I walked away unscathed. I know Xavier doesn’t see it that way, though.
“It’s not something I can risk,” he admits. “I can’t admit to crimes I’ve committed. Not even in therapy.”
“Then talk to me,” I tell him, my voice soft, my hands pressed against his chest. “I feel like you’re slowly distancing yourself from me, Xave. I’m terrified that I’m losing you, that you’ll let that man undo all the hard work we put into our marriage. I can’t tell what you’re thinking, because you’ve stopped talking to me, and now you’re coming home later than usual too…”
He sighs as I push off his suit jacket before moving my fingers to the buttons on his shirt next. Xavier gently cups my face, his thumb brushing over my lips. “I guess reality just caught up with me,” he says, and I look up as his shirt falls open. “I thought that because I’d changed, my past didn’t matter anymore. I fooled myself into believing that the blood on my hands didn’t count, because everyone whose blood I’ve ever spilled deserved it. If hell exists, that’s where I’ve sent them to, and the world is a better place for it. That’s what I told myself, Sierra, day after day, until I believed it.”
He brushes my hair out of my face, his hand trailing down to my chin. Xavier lifts my head so I’m facing him, our eyes locking. “I failed to protect my own sister, failed to find her when she was taken, yet somehow, I deluded myself into believing I could keep you safe. I wanted you so badly that I lied to myself, to you — about who I am, and the risks that come with being my wife. There’s a reason I stayed away from you back when I was stealing those projects from you, quietly hoping that our future would play out the way I wished it would. At least back then, I had the good sense to keep my feelings for you hidden, because I’d known, deep down, that you belong in the light, and my life will always be cast in shadows.”
“I belong with you,” I tell him as I push his shirt off his shoulders. “I’ve told you this before, and I’ll say it again: I chose to love you, Xavier Kingston. The good, the bad, and everything in between. I know exactly who you are, now more than ever before, and I’d still choose you.”
He cups the back of my head and brings me closer, his expression conveying pure torment. “How could you love someone like me, Sierra? You don’t need to pretend for me, Kitten. You don’t need to act like sitting there and being forced to listen to every fucking crime I’ve ever committed didn’t change the way you see me, nor do you have to act like you don’t blame me, when we both know I was the reason you nearly burned to death.”
I reach for him and hold his face, keeping his eyes on mine. “It didn’t change a thing for me,” I tell him truthfully. “I’ve always known who you are, Xavier. I might not have been certain the rumors were true, but I knew chances were high that they were, and it still never stopped me from messing with you every which way — because I know you, and I knew there wasn’t a single thing you wouldn’t let me get away with.” I slide my hand around the back of his neck, my eyes never leaving his. “I don’t blame you for the actions of another man, one who clearly deserved what you’d done to him. Hearing about your past and the things you’ve done didn’t change how I see you, Xavier. Those are just things that shaped you, but they don’t define you.”
He drops his forehead to mine, his breathing shallow. “My nightmares have started to change,” he admits. “Every goddamn night, I’m completely fucking helpless as as another person on the long list you were told about takes you from me, brutally murdering you in the same way I ended their life. I can’t look at you anymore without fearing the future, without regretting everything you’ve had to endure purely because I was too selfish to let you chase your own happiness. I stole the future you should’ve had, Sierra, and it’s the most unforgivable crime I’ve ever committed.”
My heart twists painfully as I take in the pain in his eyes, the undeserved self-loathing. “The only thing I’d find truly unforgivable is you giving up on us just as we’ve found happiness together. I don’t want a future with anyone but you, Xavier. I never did, and I never will.”