SWNOVELS Chapter 33
I pull up in front of my house and stare at my front door, feeling conflicted. For the third time this week, I’ve driven home only to find myself unable to enter. By now, Sierra would’ve had enough time to process what happened, and she’s smart enough to understand that I must’ve killed someone to justify the amount of blood I was coated in. I can’t bear the thought of facing her and finding nothing but horror and fear in her eyes. I’m desperately clinging to this space filled with unknowns I’ve been existing in. It’s ironic how I’ve become Schrödinger’s fucking kitten.
I sigh as I reverse back out and continue to drive around aimlessly, like I have every night for the past two weeks, only to end up in front of my best friend’s house without even realizing it. Again. I take a deep breath and place my arms on my steering wheel, before resting my head on top. What the fuck am I going to do? How am I supposed to look my wife in the eye knowing that I’ve forever ruined the image she had of me? I’ve always known I’m a rotten apple, but fuck, when it comes to her, I just so desperately wanted to be good, deserving. I never wanted her to know about the evil that resides in me, the things I’ve done to protect my family. She’d never understand — she wasn’t raised like I was, wasn’t taught to shoot instead of learning to ride a bike.
I startle when my car door opens, my eyes widening when Dion steps into my car. “I didn’t say anything the last three nights you parked in front of my house,” he says, leaning back. “I get what it’s like to not want to talk, and to not really be sure where to go, but you can’t keep this up. Tell me why you’re here looking like someone ran over your fucking pet when you should be at home with Sierra.”
I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. “I fucked up,” I admit.
He tenses, clearly trying his best not to let his concern show, but I know him too well. “What did you do?”
I lean back in my seat and stare out the window, feeling conflicted. Dion has always been the only person I could talk to, the only one I could say anything to without fear of judgment, but it’s different now. I can’t tell him the full story. I can’t tell him that I spoke to Sierra harshly, and that I fucked her face ruthlessly, instead of treating her with the care and patience she deserves. She told me to use her, and I fucking did.
I lost myself in her, forgot about everything but her for a few moments. I was so far gone that I nearly took her virginity on the goddamn floor in our dressing room. She didn’t even say anything, didn’t stop me, but I know she’d always have resented me if our first time was wrapped in a haze of anger.
“Just tell me,” Dion says, his voice soft. “You know me, Xave. There’s nothing you could say that I’ll take the wrong way.”
I look down at my hands, regret settling deep in my chest as I try to determine which parts of the story I can tell him, and which parts I must keep to myself. “An anonymous source reached out and sent me a photo of Valeria that no brother should ever have to see.” My stomach recoils, and I grit my teeth. “They had her chained to a bed. It was… it was fucking gruesome. She’s never told me what happened to her, but it wasn’t hard to guess. Seeing it, though? It tore me apart. I can’t believe how strong my sister is, how much she’s endured so quietly, and how well she’s done since coming home.”
I bend forward and drop my head back to my steering wheel as I take a deep, steadying breath. I needed to get this off my chest, and I didn’t even realize it. “They tried to blackmail me, told me they’d send the photo to the media and every other source that might be looking for her, and there is no way I was going to let anyone ruin all that progress she’s so painstakingly made. I found the bastard and made sure he’d never talk again, and then I found every single person in the photo.” I sigh and squeeze my eyes closed, restless. “Sierra saw me come home drenched in blood.”
Dion is silent for a moment. “I would have done the same, Xavier. If that had been Sierra, they’d be finding body parts all over the country for months.”
I smile humorlessly, my breathing easing just a touch. “I showed Sierra parts of me I wish didn’t exist, and now I don’t know how to face her. She’ll have questions I can’t answer, and I’m scared I’ll go home and find her looking at me like I walked right out of her worst nightmare, like I’m someone she fears.”
He falls silent for a moment. “She wasn’t scared, was she? Even when you walked in with blood on your hands, she didn’t fear you.”
“How do you know that?”
Dion smiles and shakes his head. “She knows you better than you think, Xave, and so do I. I’d never have let you marry my sister if I thought you’d ever be a threat to her, so stop beating yourself up over doing what needed to be done. Did you forget that you helped me capture Faye’s father when I found out he’d been physically abusing her all her life? I would’ve done the same had I been in your shoes, and that doesn’t necessarily make me a bad person, does it?”
“It’s different,” I try to tell him. I’m not even sure why I’m here. I should’ve known my best friend wouldn’t just let me be without trying to talk to me. He refuses to accept that I’m beyond helping, beyond saving.
Dion squeezes my shoulder, and I turn my face to look at him. “Xave, you were depriving her of an opportunity to truly get to know you, to love you, by only showing her what you thought she wanted to see. Maybe this is for the best. She was bound to find out, and it’s best for her to learn this kind of thing sooner than later.”
“Dion, if I showed her all of me, she’d fucking run, and you know it. She only needs to see the person I’m trying to become, and nothing else.”
“Give her some credit,” he says, his tone reassuring. “She never wanted the jokester you pretend to be, Xavier. The parts of you she’s always liked were the parts you inadvertently revealed when she got on your nerves and made you lose your temper.”
I stare at him in surprise. Just how long has he known about my feelings for her? How long has he been watching us both, and how could I not have realized it?
“What am I supposed to tell her when she asks me whose blood I had on me?” I haven’t even told her about my family’s past, and Valeria’s disappearance. I never wanted her to know, never wanted her to see my murky past when I’ve worked so hard to build a future in which we could be together.
“You’ll tell her that you can’t give her answers right now, but you will when you’re ready. She’s your wife, Xavier. Someday, you’re going to have to let her in, or you’ll always wonder if she truly loves you, or if she’d walk away if she really knew you. Trust me, I know.”
I stare at him, the mere thought of truly letting Sierra in fucking terrifying me, and he smiles like he gets it. “Xavier, you didn’t scheme for years to have the mere chance to marry my sister, only to give up at the first hurdle. Stop letting your fears cloud your judgment and keep walking the road you chose. No one else can do it for you.”
“I didn’t sch—”
“Oh, shut up,” he cuts me off. “Lie to yourself all you want, but don’t bother lying to me.” I stare at him in surprise, and he smirks. “Go home,” he says, his tone filled with kindness despite his choice of words, “and don’t fucking come back. I don’t want to see you for at least another week. Your presence is keeping me from my wife.”
I smile involuntarily as he opens my car door. “I’m going to tell Faye you threw me out.”
He laughs as he steps out of the car, and I sigh, his words echoing in my mind long after he closes his front door.