SWNOVELS Chapter 207
We sit across from each other in the busy little barbecue bistro, the used plates laid between us, and I feel a hundred times better if not a little too stuffed. I sort of regret the pie and donuts, but I had a point to make to him and I was in no backing down mood.
The walk here, the food, and the time to silently ponder it all, has brought me down to a more even level of insanity. He's kept his distance, not touched me, or talked, but let me think, until I had some sense of calm; outwardly at least. The food has almost annihilated my thoughts of anything else. My hunger was so ravenous, that I focused completely on demolishing the food he bought me, trying to ignore the surprising yet affectionate expression he had while watching me eat. He hasn't dared to touch anything on the plates I requested but has stuck to his own as though he knows that in doing so, I'll most likely turn feral.
This hunger is rather worrying. I hope it doesn't stay this way for the next eight months!
This place is one of my favorites for take-out.
Being surrounded by normal people doing normal things is easing the chaos in my head. If I can pretend that things are not as bad as they seem, I can act like none of it is happening to me right now. "You look better." Jake cuts into my train of thought, and I glance up at him. He's lounging in the wooden seat, watching me, while folding a napkin into a tiny square. The fidgeting tell-tale sign that he's not as laid back and comfortable as he appears but is mulling over the emotional turmoil in his own head.
"I just needed to let everything sink in. It's been a lot to deal with the last few days. To be honest, I have no way of coping with it all at once." I push away my plate, now
full and no longer wanting the smell wafting up at me.
It's no wonder that I'm having some sort of mid-life breakdown with all of this. I'm the girl who used to shun
all emotions, locking them away, so they can't touch her at all. I guess I've never really learned how to handle my feelings from my younger life; yet Jake has forced a change in me over all of that. I was still playing catch up, even before all this mess hit me.
"Look, if you want to stay in Queens, I know I can't stop you. I'm finding all this hard, Emma, not just because of the baby, because I really miss you. I don't want you anywhere but with me. I can't think straight when you're not around me." He looks away and frowns across the café and my heart constricts a little at the sad expression on his face. He's obviously been thinking about how unreasonable his request was, given our current circumstances, mulling over his actions long after his crazy impulsive brain kicked the idea out there, typical of Jake. I can't help the little warmth of love spreading out from the pit of my stomach as I watch the lost look in his expression.
"Jake, I want to move on and forgive you, I really do, but it's going to take time. It's not that I don't miss you, I'm just in so much pain, and this... today ... well it just adds to the mess going on inside of my head. I'm hardly singing from the rooftops about it am I?" I sigh, flicking at pieces of food on the table, attempting to not stare at his pensive face and cry. He makes me want to just erase it all and hold him.
"Do you really hate being pregnant that much?" The pain on his face makes me wince. He can't conceal that level of hurt, even in public.
"I don't hate it. I just don't know how to react. I have no idea how to be a mother or even deal with kids, it's not like I had a good example ... When have you ever seen me near a child? Please don't say Sophie because she's almost an adult. I'm scared; and this ... It couldn't have come at a worse time than what's happening between us right now." I sigh, rubbing my fingers into my scalp, twirling a strand of my hair. I look out the window at the far end of the bistro, closing my eyes, wishing I could go back to a week ago.
"I know... I'm sorry baby. I'm sorry for all of this but you must believe me when I say we're going to be okay.
All this right now, it's a lot, but we can get through it together. If you let me in, just a little, let me help you get through this. I want all of this with you." He leans forward, taking my hand in his, focusing on my eyes, bringing my gaze to him far too easily.
Damn you and your persuasive pretty face. Why do you make me so stupidly weak?
"Trusting me, forgiving me ... It's not something you need to do right now to move on, Emma. That's something I'll earn over time when I prove to you that you can. I'm just asking for a chance to do this right, for you to take a chance on us again. We were good together. We are good together and I won't lose you over a dumb mistake that I made impulsively. We can be happy, Emma, I know I can make you happy." That intense serious face, the love in his eyes, I sigh at it all and feel a little less broken somehow.
"But a baby, Jake?" The word hits me in the gut every time I say it. I have no idea how I'm ever going to get used to this. It's terrifying and a black hole of confusion in my head right now. I need time to let it sink in.
"You're going to have to have a little faith that this is going to be amazing. You're a natural, Emma. I have no doubt that you'll know exactly how to be a mother when it comes. I know you're more than capable and I'll be there every step of the way to help you." He turns my hand in his and starts circling my palm with his fingertips. It would be almost mesmerizing if it weren't for the internal battle going on over whether I want his touch or not, I must admit that it soothes me. I still ache for it, yet it hurts when I see her. I can't keep confusing the boundaries this way.
"What about her?" I can't bear to say her name, it catches in my throat like a spiked apple, she isn't going away anytime soon, and neither is the bundle that she carries. "What about her?" Jake asks, carelessly, pausing and looking at me a little too intensely. My heart is thundering with an achingly familiar pain and he looks deadly serious.
"Well... She probably thinks she has a chance with you, since you kissed her and she's already carrying your kid, she isn't going to like finding out about mine." I yank my hand away, the inner wave of tears hitting hard. Either hormones are making me crazy or bouts of anger and pain at Jake are taking it in turns to show face when I least expect them. I have absolutely no control over this at all; one second, I adore his face and the next I want to throw my mug at it. He sighs, pulling over the tray with our check on it, sliding a note from his wallet, leaving it on the table. He's obviously dismissing my outburst and being patient, which may be wise. He knows he has no grounds for protest on my behavior in any of this.
"For all I care right now Marissa could emigrate to the moon. Come on feisty; I think you need a nap." He smiles at me knowingly and it makes me more pissed.
"Don't patronize me. I'm not tired!" I snap, as I clamber out my chair, knocking away his offering hand. I have no control over the crazy up and down moods I seem to be harboring toward him. "I'm pregnant not a child!" I stalk past him in a haughty manner and yank open the door before he can get close. He's still pulling our coats up from the chairs, silently and calmly, and I can feel his eyes on me with every step I take.
Catching up with me outside he drapes my coat over my shoulders, wordlessly, sliding his shades over my eyes, and I stop dead on my heels, an old forgotten Jake-ism, knocking the wind out of my sails a little. His constant tender care is enough to make my crazy anger simmer back down to a defeated hum. He's keeping a pace or two behind me. My insides are pricklier than a cactus right now and that bitch's face is beaming at me from inside my head.000☐☐☐