SWNOVELS Chapter 197
"I'm sorry." I fumble the words out, embarrassed, my eyes hit my fingers in my lap, and I twist at the hem of my very short dress.
Great way to show the man who hurt you that you're so in control and worth every inch of fight to get you back. Especially when you drunk dial him, need his rescue, and then throw up at his feet. Classy, Emma... just classy.
"Don't be, I'm glad I was the one there to take care of you. It was a drunk Emma I've never met before." His eyes linger this time and I can feel them boring into me a little too closely, his scrutiny making me fee more awkward. I wish the ground would just open below my feet and swallow me whole.
Sarah wanders over toward us and turns green at the sight of food. Jake waves a mug at her to offer coffee, his eyes finally giving me respite, but she just shakes her head.
"No, really, no. If I take a sip, I'll hurl. I really need to
get home and get sorted out before I start the lunch rush
at work. I can call a cab, so you don't have to ..." Her eyes are flicking between Jake and I and the obvious tension between us.
"No, it's fine. I want to give Emma some space to get herself together and my driver is out for now anyway. I'll take you; I'll just go get my shoes." Jake pushes off the counter, glancing at me quickly, and saunters off toward his guest rooms. I can't help but watch his strong and fit body swagger, like a man with too much sex appeal, crossing the room and that ass; sighing as I watch it go.
When did he start keeping clothes down there?
"You're not coming home anytime soon I take it?" Sarah looks me up and down warily, a slight hint of hope on her face and a smirk at where I've been staring.
What is with all these looks?
"No. I think I need to stay for a bit and just see what I feel." I turn away from her, my mind getting itself out of the gutter with the memory of Jake's ass. I down two aspirin with the water and hold the pack to her but she just shakes them away.
"Don't close down on him. Give him a chance. No one's perfect, babe." She runs a hand over my hair and tweaks my cheek. "The guy obviously adores you. I mean, who else comes tearing across Manhattan to find his ex because he's worried she's in danger?"
"I'm not his ex!" I snap a little too quickly, the outburst surprising me. I've not even begun to contemplate what we are, but I am not that, not if he loves me.
"Well then, seems there's a small part of you that acknowledges it's not over." She smirks at me, knowingly, then moves away as we hear Jake coming back. "Tell Leila I said thanks for a memorable night." Sarah smiles as she moves to go.
"Ready?" he asks her, bending to kiss me on the cheek, impulsively, as he passes. He freezes as his mouth connects with my skin, it reacts with goosebumps and flashes of flutterings deep in my stomach, my body still electrified by his touch even when things are this way between us. It hurts me knowing my body would so easily fall back into his arms.
Pathetic.
"Sorry." He straightens up and looks away from me. "Habit." He mutters it so softly, almost sounding painful. He walks off placing a hand on the small of Sarah's back, guiding her toward the door with an unreadable backward glance toward me. I've no idea how to feel about any of this and I'm starting to wonder if it's even a good idea. I'm not sure if I have the strength to face Jake alone and fight the pull he has over me. I watch him from lowered lashes and a complete pit of confused despair churns me up.
Sarah slides on her coat and picks up her oversized bag, throws me a wave, and blows a kiss with a wink as I watch them leave; a strange sense of nerves creeps up inside me as Leila comes sauntering down the hall dressed in last night's clothes.
"I have my driver coming for me so I'm going to head down, babes. Sarah still here? Has Jake gone?" She scans around in surprise.
"Jake's taking Sarah home," I say, picking at a croissant on the plate, having no desire to eat. My stomach is making a good effort at impersonating a washing machine.
"Yet you're still here?" She grins, placing her hands on her hips and I sigh in response.
"I don't know what I'm feeling or thinking anymore. I'm giving him a chance to talk and I guess I'll take it from there." I can't meet her eyes as she hovers beside me. Part of me feels like I'm being weak for being here after only a week of separation. I know Leila and Sarah are both urging for me to work this out but still I feel pathetic.
"Make him suffer, Ems, but don't let him go. He's one of the good ones, despite all this shit, trust me. So, maybe a little messy in the brain department but I can promise you that he's worth it." She hugs me around the shoulders tightly before skipping to the couch for her shoes and belongings.
"What about you and Hunter?" I watch as her body, halfway to putting her shoe on, goes rigid.
"That boy has been breaking my heart since I was fifteen. I doubt he'll ever sort out the mess in his mind long enough to let me in. I just need to learn to get over him," she shrugs, shoes now on and turns to me with a resigned expression, meeting my gaze confidently. "Daniel is always going to be the first boy I fell love with, he was my first kiss. He was my first sex too; not even Jake knows about that time so please don't tell him. I'm sure he would kill Daniel for it, but he's so far down that route of woman hating and mistrust and emotionally fucked-up that I doubt we'll ever be anything more." She shrugs and continues getting ready, sliding her coat on. I blanche at her open-mouthed in shock.
"Your first time having sex?"
I just can't... Just can't.
"Yeah, my sixteenth birthday. I saw another side to him and stupidly fell for it. I was already gooey eyed over him because he'd kissed me senseless a couple of weeks before my party. He was eighteen and just as handsome as he is now, all muscle and big grins of self-confidence." She sighs, dreamily, almost as though lost in memories of a boy she once knew. Then, snapping out of it, she picks up her bag and walks toward me with a tear in her eye.
"What was it like? What happened?" I can't seem to get my head around any of this at all.
"Daniel's brain happened. It was nice. None of the horror stories about first times that you usually hear about. He was gentle and slow and made sure I was ready before he did it. It didn't hurt, and I even had an orgasm. So, I guess he was my first of those too. He kissed me the whole time and told me I was beautiful, and I really felt it. He was obviously already a seasoned player by then."
I know I'm gawping, but I can't help it. I've seen the way Daniel is with women and none of those images match up to the vision of Leila's first time.
Daniel must be in love with her after all.
"So, what then? Did he just not call you after that?" I'm trying to understand how the hell he could've got that by Jake unnoticed. Jake is like a sniffer dog with his crazy sixth sense and bloodhound instincts when it comes to protecting the women he loves.
"He told me I was too young, that it was dumb, and Jake would kill him. I was so in love with him that I didn't want to argue, and it hurt like hell, but I wanted to play it cool and act mature. I think I died a little every day after that, and then the weeks passed, and he never spoke about it again. We'd fallen back into our old 'friendship' and he went back to acting like nothing had happened. I was so confused!" I guess that would be why no one knew!
"Oh, Leila. What an asshole." I frown at her; irritation rises from deep inside of me; angry that Daniel could dismiss something this important to Leila without a care. She shrugs, nonchalantly, rummaging through the contents of her bag until she locates a lip balm and applies some with her fingertips.
"It's nothing compared to what he did to me in Paris a few years back... That time I really did think this was it, a whole night of crazy passion and drunken fun and I was so freaking happy. I realized how crazy about him I still was. We were locked in a room for eight hours solid and having sex, multiple times, making me orgasm like crazy. The best night of my life. Come morning, he gets up before I'm awake and sneaks off, doesn't speak to me for months, won't return my calls, nothing. I only started being okay with him last year when Jake convinced me to try to be civil for his sake."
"Jesus." I cringe, trying to figure out how I would've felt if it had been Jake.
It doesn't bear thinking about.
"Yeah, that time hit me hard. I went on a drink fueled binge for a few months, partying wild and man hungry, trying to get him out of my system. My brother, Tom, and Jake came and dragged my ass back home, and put me on lock down for a few weeks until I stopped and got sober." She hauls on her coat and throws her bag over her shoulder airily, hiding her innermost feelings away from sight. "Leila, I'm so sorry." Tears catch in my throat and I get up and walk to her, throwing her in my arms, giving her the best Jake style hug, I can muster.
"Should've learned huh? Giving him the chance to do it again was stupid, especially as I know what he's like. I know him." Her eyes hold a thin veil of moisture and her lip trembles a little as she fights hard with her internal emotions; small tears in the wall of strength she always tries to exude.
"I don't know what to say, other than, I know it's not as simple as not liking you. He seems to genuinely feel something, maybe even love." I appraise her expression, seeing that wall of impassiveness slide back up.
"Jake's told me pretty much the same, but it doesn't change any of it. I can't live my life waiting for him to sort his shit out. I'm done. Last night I finally realized it as I
stood considering those devastating blue eyes of his. I'll die
alone and unhappy if I don't move on." She shrugs it off
and despite being sad for her, I also see her point. She deserves a man who pursues her and loves her completely.
The way Jake does with me?
Don't think about him!
"Leila, why are men so frickin frustrating?" I ask, sitting back down, staring at the hands I drop loosely in my lap.
"Don't lose him, Emma. Jake's an ass who goes into self-destruct mode when he can't handle his emotions and that's exactly what he did. Marissa did more damage than he likes to admit and those years of hitting back with women, booze, and drugs are still in there deep down. He's never had to face the consequences of his behavior before, but something inside his crazy head obviously snapped, because kissing her for the briefest moment is as far as it got before he was running off and agonizing over what he'd done." She stands over me and lays a gentle hand on my shoulder.
I lock eyes on her in wide-eyed silence, the pain a little too acute to form a response.
"I'm not excusing what he did, God knows I was livid beyond belief when he told me. I'm just saying it won't be repeated, he learned a valuable lesson that night. Life without you is unbearable and he won't ever chance risking it again if he ever wins you back." She pats me on the shoulder and tucks a stray hair behind my ear. My heart thudding heavily as I absorb every word. Emotion catching in my throat and making me feel a million times worse than a hangover should.
"You sound like someone who's been talking to Jake." I sniff back a tear, threatening to pour out the rising ache inside of me, making my hands tremble.
"Had to return the favor, after all, he did let me cry on him when you drunk weirdos were too passed out to care."
I catch her smiling at me with fondness and she ruffles my hair childishly.
"Go. Go get cleaned up and fresh for the most important heart to heart of your life. I need to go." She bends and kisses me on the side of my mouth with a devilish smile. "I love you, girl, and I love that sassy Sarah, we three are so hooking up again!"
With that she saunters off as though she hasn't a care in the world and heads out the door.
I can't help but admire her. Broken-hearted, and as emotionally hurt as me, yet she has her chin held high and a smile on her face, as though everything is right in her world.
I could learn a lot from Leila.0000000000☐☐☐☐☐☐