The Brightest Light of Sunshine

I can’t do this. Not to myself, and not to him.

Luke has been nothing but a gentleman. He deserves better than to be led on by a girl who can’t stop thinking about how right it feels… with somebody else.

My feelings for Cal have been changing for the past weeks and although I don’t know what to make of that yet, there’s still some decency left in me. Enough to talk to Luke, at least.

However, I can’t bring myself to tell him over the phone. Come on, that’s just cruel.

So even though guilt eats me alive as I ask him to meet for coffee outside of campus, deep down I know this is the right thing to do. Because even if Cal and I will never be more than friends, I still have to call things off with Luke before the situation escalates and he gets his hopes up. He’ll never make me feel what Cal does.

It’s not like I’m cheating on anybody, but it kind of feels like it. Luke took me on two dates, and he was nothing short of fun and charming, but this whole thing is just… wrong. It’s a recipe for disaster, because I’ll never be able to fully commit to him, focus on loving him and developing a real relationship with him when Cal is the sole owner of my thoughts.

Where does this leave me? Surely, Luke can’t be the only person I’ll ever want to date, so what happens when I meet someone else, and this exact scenario repeats itself? Will I never get over Cal?

My head starts spiraling out of control. Luke must be just a few minutes away. There’s no easy way out of this. He’s probably excited about our third date, hopeful even about moving things forward, but I’m here to break things off instead. I want to throw up.

Luke gets to the café just in time, and I feel like the worst person on the planet when he plants a small kiss on my cheek as hello. “How was your week?” He gives me a sweet smile as we make our way to the counter to place our orders. He looks so oblivious I want to rip my heart out just to stop feeling so damn guilty.

“Uneventful,” I lie. It has been eventful, all right. But he doesn’t need to know about Cal kissing me and making me come with our clothes on, does he?

Luke keeps the conversation going for the most part, talking about his classes and some funny stories about the lacrosse team. The moment he starts rambling about this new Greek restaurant we need to try out, though, I know it’s time.

Enough of dragging out his hopes. It’s cruel, it’s unnecessary and, to be fair, telling him won’t be the end of the world. I’m not the love of his life and clearly, he isn’t mine either.

We’ll both be fine by this time next week. I think. I hope.

“Luke,” I start slowly, a soft smile on my lips. I remind myself to be gentle about this. We may be in a public place, and he might seem sane enough, but I know first-hand that a man who feels rejected is a dangerous man. “There’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

He tenses at that. “What is it?”

Breathing in and out, I keep convincing myself that this is the right thing even if my little pep talk doesn’t make things any easier.

“I love spending time with you,” I say, because it’s true. He’s a great guy, just… not for me.

“Okay.” He nods, probably sensing where this conversation is going.

This is it. I can do it. He won’t yell at me or hit me. He’s not like that.

“But I don’t think we could… you know, work out as a couple in the long run.”

The background noise around us gets a lot louder once the words leave my mouth. My throat goes dry, my palms become sweaty, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt worse.

Luke seems to genuinely like me and I’m breaking things up before they even start because of what? Because of Cal? My best friend who won’t ever become anything more, no matter how badly I want it?

There, I said it.

Fine.

I want more between Cal and I. Whatever there is between us, it feels… wrong not to explore it.

But us together as a couple will never happen. There’ll be no wedding, no babies, no happily ever after, nothing. It’s not in the cards.

“I understand,” Luke says after a small eternity. His voice is calm, but his face has visibly dropped. “Can I ask why?”

“I’m just not ready for something more between us,” I opt for, which isn’t exactly a lie. I can’t bring myself to tell him about Cal, not when we’ll never be together anyway. “But you’re a great guy and I really enjoy our time together, and I’d love to keep being your friend. If you want to.”

“Of course.” His excitement has clearly worn off, but I appreciate that he’s taking it so well. “I’d love to be your friend, Grace. I hope you still want to beta read my crime novel.”

“Are you kidding? I’d love to! How is the writing process going?”

We stay at the café a little longer, catching up as if nothing had happened. Maybe I’ve imagined the whole thing and he wasn’t that interested in dating me in the first place. That thought brings me the slightest amount of relief, so I selfishly cling to it.

When we part ways, he gives me a hug and promises that there are no hard feelings on his end and that he’ll keep coming to the thrift store on Saturdays to see me. Maybe it’s because I expected a disaster and ended up with a friend, but instead of going home I knock on Professor Danner’s office twenty minutes later. Even though I didn’t schedule an appointment, I know these are his visiting hours and sure enough, luck is on my side today.

“Grace! Good to see you, please take a seat,” he greets me with his usual wide grin. “Are you here to talk about your final project?”

I take a seat in front of his desk. “I am, if you have a minute to spare.”

“I’ve got at least ten, so ask away.”

Immediately at ease by Danner’s easygoing attitude, I start. “After some time going over a couple of ideas, I’ve finally decided to write a children’s book.”

“That’s wonderful!” He reclines on his chair, interested. “Did you take a look at the minimum word count? What’s your age group target?”

“Yes, I’m keeping the word count in mind, and my target would be readers from ages seven to ten.”

He nods. “Sounds good to me.”

That manages to ease some of my nerves. “The reason I’m here is because I have an idea for the book, but the guide you provided doesn’t cover it, so I wanted to check with you first. Would illustrations be allowed as part of the project?”

Danner hums and pinches his lips, considering. “Would they serve a real purpose to your story?”

I don’t miss a beat. “All children’s books include illustrations nowadays. If I sent my manuscript to a traditional publishing house, I wouldn’t need to include a cover or any illustrations, but those are some key aspects to take into account when self-publishing. My intention for this project is to make it as realistic as possible.”

He stares at me with his forehead still frowned, and my hands start sweating when I can’t read his expression. “Well, I made it clear that you have free rein to turn in your manuscript in whichever way you prefer. Covers are optional and won’t get you a higher grade, as mentioned in the guide, so I guess illustrations would fall into the same category. Are you drawing them yourself?”

“No. A friend volunteered for the job.” I give him a weak smile and try to control my blushing. Just thinking about Cal coming to my dorm to show me his sketches, sitting on my bed and pulling me into his lap… I clear my throat. “I’ll of course credit them in the copyright page as I would in a real book.”

“Sounds like you’ve got it all covered, then,” he resolves. “Feel free to include any illustrations you want in a way that makes sense to you, but know that your grade won’t be influenced by the aesthetics, as you kids put it nowadays. I’m here to critique your writing, and that’s it.”

“Thank you. I understand.” My shoulders relax and I breathe a little easier knowing I’ll be able to put together the story that I want, however I want. Hence why Danner is one of my favorite professors, and I’ll miss his guidance after I graduate. He understands that writing is a feeling, and when it comes to your own book you must follow your heart.

And my heart is telling me that Gracie and Sammy deserve some cute illustrations to go along with their adventures.

“Glad I could help, Grace. Take care.” He smiles before going back to his laptop.

I’m so excited about the news that I don’t want to tell Cal over text. Instead, I take advantage of this rush of motivation and walk to Inkjection to tell him in person. He might be busy with a client, but I can wait.

As I make my way to the parlor, I send a quick text to Em—she fell in love with the sketches right away and threatened to egg Danner’s car if he didn’t allow me to put them in the book. I guess my professor not only saved my sanity today, but his vehicle too.

When I spot the shop’s sign at the end of the block, I start walking a little faster. It’s dumb to feel this excited about telling him, I know, but I can’t help the smile that takes over my whole face as I imagine how happy he’s going to be for me too.

But the second I stop in front of the shop and look inside, my smile falls. And so does my heart.

Laughing, Cal leans into a tall woman with a dark bob and pulls her into a hug. The woman wraps her arms around his back, smiling at something he says. I’m frozen in place, unable to look away but also dying to unsee this.

Why do I feel like throwing up right now?

Why is my chest being ripped apart?

Cal shakes his head with laughter one last time before lifting his gaze, eyes colliding with mine.

I don’t smile. I don’t wave at him.

I only turn around, my heart clogging up my throat, and I leave.