The Brightest Light of Sunshine

“Are you going to say yes?”

For the past ten seconds, I don’t think I’ve blinked once.

“I don’t know. Should I?”

“That’s up to you.”

It is, isn’t it? Ugh.

Shaking my head, I start walking up to the register. “What if he tries to kiss me?”

Cal’s steps falter beside me. “Would that be a bad thing?”

When Luke kissed me on the cheek after our first kind-of-date over coffee, I didn’t find it weird or awkward, just… unexciting. My friends are right; chemistry between two people can take a while to manifest, and I shouldn’t expect fireworks right away. And yet…

“I don’t think I’d run away if he tried to kiss me,” I say truthfully. “But I’m not sure that’s what I want, either.”

He sets his books down on the counter and the woman behind the register starts ogling him so blatantly I almost cringe. Is professionalism out of style?

I mean, it’s not like I can blame her for staring—most of his tattoos might be covered by the long sleeves of his dark gray Henley, but his impressive muscles are all the more noticeable. When he pulls out his credit card and hands it to her, she gawks at his tattooed knuckles and actually blushes. The audacity.

A sudden wave of possessiveness rushes through me, so strong that I can’t choke it to death. The moment Cal notices her staring and grins at her, though, I lose it.

“I’m going to say yes to Luke,” I announce louder than necessary like it’s some kind of grand decision. Before I can change my mind and think too hard about why I’m suddenly so eager to agree to our date, I grab my phone to text him.

Cal sends me an unreadable look over his shoulder. “If you’re sure.”

“I am.”

“All right.”

The stupid cashier flashes him another smile while asking him if he needs a bag. I can’t help but snort out loud, which earns me another unreadable look from him. Whatever.

Of course he wants a bag, what kind of question is that? Is he supposed to carry all seven books around in his arms all day? Please.

Okay, slow down, girl. Why the hell are you being so petty?

Great question. Too bad I refuse to ponder it right now.

Sure enough, the woman barely makes eye contact with me when it’s my turn to pay, and sticks to her only ounce left of professionalism and that dull voice she probably uses with all customers. Those who aren’t hot, at least.

Because who am I kidding? Cal is hot as sin.

“The cashier was totally flirting with you, by the way,” I tell him once we’re back in the car.

“Mm-hmm…” He puts on his sunglasses despite it not being sunny and starts the engine. “Well, too bad I’m not available then.”

My heart jumps to my throat. “What do you mean?”

He said he didn’t have girlfriend, but maybe he started seeing someone in the past few weeks? Although, frankly, it doesn’t make sense that he’s in a relationship when he spends most of his time working, with his sister or with me. Perhaps it’s a long-distance thing. Or maybe—

“I’m not looking for a relationship. Or a hookup.”

“Oh.” And now my brain is picturing him hooking up with some random, unidentified woman, and I hate it so much I want to throw up. “Why not?”

He shrugs as we stop at a red light. “It’s just not where I am at this stage in my life.”

“Yeah, I get it.” I do, but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel a tang of disappointment as his words settle in.

I don’t know what I was expecting, anyway. That he fell heads-over-heels in love with me, and we lived our own fairytale? Yeah, right.

We’re already friends, the best of friends, and neither of us would want to jeopardize that. Especially since we don’t like each other like that in the first place. Because we don’t. I might find him attractive and caring, but that’s all. A lot of people I know share those same traits and it doesn’t mean anything.

I decide to skip on the bookstore raid, and he takes me home instead so I can get ready for my date with Luke. I’m not dying to go, but it’ll be a welcoming distraction.

I need to get Cal out of my mind at any cost.

***

Callaghan

Working out does nothing to ease my shit mood. And trust me, I’ve insisted.

The gym is within walking distance from my apartment, and once I arrive back home, I check that there are no missed texts or calls from my mom or Grace before plopping down on my gaming chair and starting the first game I see on the screen. Whatever will help me get through the next few hours, I don’t care.

No matter how hard I try, however, no amount of pretty graphics or intricate storylines are enough to keep me from glancing at the clock every ten minutes.

Grace’s date started nearly an hour ago, and I assume it’s going well since I haven’t heard from her. I urged her to text me if she needed me for anything at all, and she assured me that she would. She even sent the location of the restaurant just in case, so I’m not worried about her safety. I know she can take care of herself.

I’m worried about what this raging jealousy is doing to me.

Yes, whatever, I’m jealous. There, I said it.

Does it make sense? Not at all, but this train has already gone off the rails and I can’t do shit about it now.

The fact that she seemed annoyed at that flirty cashier earlier isn’t helping my case, either. Only a fool would believe she has feelings for me, and that’s the last thing my confused heart needs right now.

I still don’t want a relationship, not only due to the nightmare that was my previous one, but also because Maddie deserves stability, and I can’t afford to have women walking in and out of my life. My mother might seem to be on the path to sobriety and good decisions, but there’s this nagging feeling in my chest telling me it’s all going to hell sooner than later.

And what then? What happens when the inevitable goes down and I have to move Maddie in with me for good? She is and will always be my priority, and not every woman would be willing to share that spotlight. Not to mention that if the relationship goes well, we’d eventually move in together and my sister would have to move in with us too. I’m only thinking ahead, analyzing every possible scenario.

None of them look promising.

As much as it pains me, Maddie and I are in for a difficult ride these upcoming years—I feel it deep in my bones—and dragging a girlfriend into it would be unfair to everyone involved.

So yes, no romantic relationships for me anytime soon. Especially not with Grace. I should get a damn grip once and for all.

For the next hour, I pretend to care about whatever is going on in this game. All I’ve been doing for the past twenty minutes is chopping down wood to get character points, so can you blame me?

At around eight, Aaron logs into the same server so we can talk.

“Hey, man.” There’s some shifting in the background as he adjusts his chair. “How’s it going? I haven’t seen you in a while.”

He came by the shop a couple of weeks ago to bring Trey and I some new tapas his chef is trying out for The Spoon in exchange for our honest opinion, but other than that I haven’t seen much of him.

“Adult life is a pain in the ass. We’re always way too busy.” I sigh. “How come you’re not going out? It’s a Saturday night.”

“I’m getting old, Cal.” He sounds dramatic for a whole second before he bursts out laughing. “Shit, I sound depressing.”

I chuckle. “Weren’t you eager to settle down?” Aaron might be all over the place most of the time, but he’s told me before that if a good woman came along and made him happy, he wouldn’t mind planting roots.

“Um, yeah.” He coughs. “When the time comes.”

“Right.”

“You don’t?”

My mind goes back to Grace and the feelings I refuse to allow to take flight. They’re better off hidden under piles and piles of fear.

“I guess.” I clear my throat, hoping he doesn’t pick up on my sudden awkwardness. “Not anytime soon, though.”

“How come?” I shouldn’t be surprised that someone as nosey as Aaron won’t drop the subject, and yet…

Choosing to be honest is the best thing I can do. “My sister.”

“Shit. Is she living with you or something?”

“Not yet, but I have no doubts it will happen eventually.” And it fucking terrifies me. I’m expecting this bubble to burst any moment, yet I know I won’t be ready when it finally goes down.

“Have some faith, man. She’ll get better.” He’s talking about my mother, and I don’t understand how he could have so much blind trust in her after the shit she’s been pulling all these years. I guess he just doesn’t know her like I do.

To the outside world, my mom is nothing but a poor victim of her circumstances. She is, in a way, but the real victim here is her four-year-old daughter. There’s no point pretending otherwise. She’s a damn adult, for crying out loud. If you fuck up, you own it and change for the better—so far, she’s not even acknowledging her mistakes.

Done with this heartache of a conversation, I change topics to something related to the game I don’t care about that much, but Aaron buys it and goes on to tell me all about the new updates. About an hour later, I fake a few yawns and tell him I’m tired and that I’ll stop by the tapas bar next week to grab some dinner.

After checking my phone and finding no texts from Grace, I take a quick shower to clear my mind. I already showered at the gym, but if I don’t do something right now, I might go insane.

Why hasn’t she texted me with any updates? I hope it’s a sign that she’s enjoying herself, at least. No matter how much it stings to imagine her laughing with him, kissing him, going home with him—

My phone rings with a call as I’m exiting the shower, and because I’m a worrier at heart and I took it to the bathroom with me, I see right away that it’s Grace on the other line.

“Hey. Are you okay?” My heart stops, impatient and worried, as I wait for a response.

“Cal, I’m…” She sighs, and I immediately know something isn’t right. “I’m downstairs. Can you buzz me in?”

“What? Wait, yes, just a second.”

It’s dark outside and although this is a safe neighborhood, I don’t want her to be alone in the street for longer than necessary. I wrap a clean towel around my waist and rush to let her in. When her small form appears down the hall, I hold my breath. She looks breathtaking with her skin-tight jeans, heeled boots and blazer. However, one glance at her face is all I need to go back into concerned mode.

“Hey.” She gives me a small smile as she enters my apartment. “Sorry, I should’ve let you know I was coming sooner—” Her next words die in her lips when she looks me up and down and notices I’m practically naked. “Um, am I interrupting something?”

I give her an incredulous look. “I wasn’t having sex a minute ago, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

She rolls her eyes but is unable to hide the intense blush on her pale cheeks. “Whatever. I’m sorry anyway for dropping by unannounced.”

“Don’t apologize. Is everything okay?”

“Kind of,” she says, hesitating. “Luke, um, wanted me to go back to his place. I said no.”

Relief crashes through me, and I immediately curse myself for it. “Did he make you uncomfortable?” Because I’m ready to break some arms and legs if the situation calls for it.

“No. Well, not on purpose,” she says, and when she takes off her blazer revealing a tight black top underneath, I lose my mind a little. “He didn’t hide that he wanted us to hook up, and I thought I was ready to take that next step, but…”

She stops herself, and the panic in her eyes makes me react. “Okay, here’s what we’re going to do,” I start, placing a hand on the small of her back and guiding her to the couch. “You stay here while I put on some clothes, and then I’m going to give you some milk and cookies while we talk about this. Sounds good?”

“Milk and cookies?” She arches an amused eyebrow. “You’re such a big brother.”

“Not to you,” I blurt out before I can think the words through. Whatever. I need her to understand there’s nothing brotherly about the way I feel about her, no matter how hard I fight it. “I’ll be right back.”

It takes me a couple of minutes to put on a clean pair of boxers, sweatpants, and a t-shirt, and then I’m off to the promised milk and cookies. Grace is sitting on the couch with a blanket draped over her shoulders when I set everything on the coffee table. “Thanks, Cal.”

“It’s nothing.” I tuck a loose strand of blonde hair behind her ear, and she shivers under my touch. “Tell me what went wrong tonight.”

She sighs and takes a bite off the first cookie. “Nothing, really. It’s just me. I’m the problem.”

“I know for a fact you’re not.”

But she shakes her head. “The date itself went great. I had fun. But then he tried to kiss me and asked me to go back to his place, and I couldn’t do it.”

“He tried to kiss you?”

There’s a cookie crumb on the corner of her lips, and she looks so damn adorable I should turn away from her. Because I love torturing myself, though, I don’t.

“He went for my lips, but I moved my head a little at the last second and he kissed me here instead.” She points right at the breadcrumb, and when she touches it, she chuckles and eats it before frowning again. “I wasn’t feeling it, and it’s got nothing to do with him, honestly. He was the perfect gentleman and I’m sure many girls would die for a date as great as the one we had, but…”

“Grace, it’s okay if you weren’t into him. Not every guy you meet will be the guy for you, and that’s normal,” I assure her, convinced I’m a sick bastard for feeling so comforted that she’s here now and not with him.

Her throat bobs as she swallows thickly. “I just thought… Never mind.”

“No, tell me.”

She brushes it off. “It’s nothing.”

I poke her arm. “It’s something, and I want to know what.”

After a couple of minutes of silence, she finally lets out a defeated sigh and says, “I’m just broken, Cal.”

“You’re not broken,” I tell her without hesitation. “Look at me.” She does. “Just because you’re ready to take the next step doesn’t mean you have to do it with the first guy that buys you dinner.”

“I know that.” She sends a pointed look my way, but her face falls again a second later. “The thing is, I was ready to do it. Maybe not sleep with him, but kissing, fooling around… I was mentally prepared to cross those lines.”

Taking a deep breath, I remind myself that she did none of those things. There’s no reason to freak the fuck out right now. “That doesn’t mean you’re broken, only that it didn’t feel like the right moment.”

Her gaze is lost somewhere across the living room. “It didn’t feel like that time you showed me at the tattoo shop,” she whispers.

I recall how I stood between her legs, my hand on her chin, our breaths intertwining, my soul leaving my body. I remember thinking it had never felt like that with anyone else for me, either. And I doubt it will again.

“Grace.” I don’t mean for my voice to lower, but between the darkness and the soft aura that surrounds her, I can’t help myself. “I’m not sure anything else will ever feel like that again.”

Her beautiful hazel eyes meet mine, and something unspoken passes between us. A feeling, a jolt of electricity, a truth neither of us want to admit.

“I think I could feel like that again,” she murmurs.

My voice drops down an octave. “Yeah?”

Her full lips part, her eyes curious and afraid, her breathing uneven. I need her to say it. I won’t move a fucking muscle if she doesn’t—

“Cal,” she whispers my name like it pains her to do so. My leg brushes hers, and the scent of her sweet perfume blinds all my senses.

“Yes, sunshine,” I breathe.

She’s so close to me, every fiber and nerve in my body roars back to life. Stop. What the fuck are you doing? She’s your friend. Don’t cross any fucking lines.

Despite the blaring warnings, time stops around us all the same. The air thickens with electricity and it’s like my brain knows this is a shit idea, but the damn organ in my chest refuses to listen.

Mine.

She’s mine.

And I’ll be dead before I’m anyone else’s.

Leaning in slowly, she holds my heart and my soul in her delicate hands as she whispers, “Show me I’m not broken.”

And when I feel the soft pressure of Grace’s lips on mine, one of my walls collapses.