The Bonus

Midnight.

Where darkness lives and anxiety thrives.

It’s been four days since I found out I was pregnant. Four days of swinging between elated and shocked to horrified and sad.

I haven’t told a single soul.

I don’t know what to do and I’m scared.

The enormity of carrying Gabriel Ferrara’s baby has just hit me.

He doesn’t want me or a child, and having a baby on my own is not something I ever envisaged for myself.

To be honest, I don’t know if I can do it.

This house is big and quiet…and now lonely.

I imagine myself coming home from the hospital with my little bundle of joy…all alone, how will that feel?

I see my future of sitting up in the middle of the night and feeding a tiny little baby, nobody to help me, nobody to love me…or him. This poor little baby deserves to have a dad who loves it, this isn’t his fault…or hers.

And what do I tell the baby as it grows up?

Daddy wants nothing to do with you… He wants an Italian baby and you just don’t cut it.

The hot tears run down my face and drip into my ears.

I’ve never felt so alone, so confused.

My heartache was bad enough when I thought I just lost him, but now this…everything seems magnified and I’m no longer grieving my loss of him, that seems irrelevant if I’m honest. I’m grieving for my baby and the happy family that I can’t deliver him.

I picture the moment when I tell my parents and my brothers that I’m pregnant with my former boss’s baby and that he doesn’t want anything to do with me.

My mom will cry, my dad will be outraged with Gabriel… Everyone will feel sorry for me.

Poor Grace, her boss got drunk at the Christmas party and had her on his desk for kicks, got her knocked up and now wants nothing to do with her… I hate that it’s true.

And then there’s the Ferraras, Gabriel’s mother is going to go ballistic. His father, his brothers and sister…oh god.

I feel sick to my stomach.

The tears flow onto my pillow like a river, my mind is jumping from one nightmare thought to the next and I know exactly how this looks.

A grab for cash from one of America’s wealthiest men, the ultimate trap.

I imagine the tabloids and the media coverage.

Gabriel Ferrara’s former PA falls pregnant after having sex on his desk at the Christmas party.

I screw up my face in tears…oh my god, this is a disaster of epic proportions.

Gabriel’s going to hate me, and who could blame him.

All the plans he had for an Italian family…his hopes and dreams altered forever too.

I close my eyes at the horror, how the hell did I let this happen?

Why didn’t my pill work? What’s the damn point of taking it if the fucker doesn’t work?

Everything is changed now, and I can’t take it back no matter how much I want to.

This isn’t how I imagined my life would go, I’m supposed to be happy and fulfilled, feeling safe and secure, building a family and a home with a man that I love.

My husband.

I roll onto my side and curl up in a ball as I try to protect myself from my own thoughts.

I have to talk to someone; I have to get out of my own head, I can’t keep going round and round like this.

Tomorrow I’ll talk to Deb, she’ll know what to do.

10 a.m., I sit in the café; the morning sun is beaming onto the bench seat through the window as I wait. There’s a window planter box with pansies in every color, and the village feels alive.

“The two coffees,” the waitress says as she puts them down on the table.

“Thank you.” I smile.

Things look better today. Along with the sunlight, I feel stronger. But that’s how I seem to roll at the moment, brave by day, terrified all night.

My favorite thing about Greenville is my best friend, Deb. She also happens to be my cousin and the reason I found this place. It was her wedding that I came here for five years ago, and from the moment I stepped out of the car, I instantly fell in love with the place.

Deb married a local boy she met at college, his name is Scott and this is his hometown, they moved back here permanently after their wedding.

Deb bounces through the door and her broad smile lights up the entire café. “Hey you.” She trips on a chair leg as she sees me and stumbles. “Sorry,” she apologizes to the person who was nearly thrown out of their chair.

I giggle at her dramatic entrance. “Hi.” Deb is…how can I explain her?

Chicken soup for my soul…for everyone’s soul. Blond and pretty with a can-do attitude to everything.

She kisses my cheek and sits down. “Tell me you have good news.”

“What?”

“Well…” Her eyes dance with excitement. “You said you had something to tell me. He called, didn’t he?”

I stare at her as my brain misfires.

Oh…

“I knew he would.” She smiles. “I knew he would come back begging on his knees.”

I exhale heavily, one thing about Deb is she’s the ultimate optimist. “He didn’t call.”

“He didn’t call?” She scrunches up her nose. “What’s wrong with this dickhead, why didn’t he call?” She sips her coffee. “You know, you keep saying this Gabriel Ferrara is super intelligent, I’m finding it very hard to believe.”

I exhale heavily.

“Well…” She sips her coffee again. “What do you have to tell me?”

“I’m pregnant,” I blurt out.

She puts her coffee cup down onto the table with a thud and coffee sloshes over the side. “What do you mean?”

“What else could I mean? I’m pregnant.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive, I’ve done six tests.”

Her eyes widen. “It’s his?”

“Well…I haven’t had sex with anyone else, have I?”

“Fuck.” She puts her hands up to her temples as her eyes hold mine. “When did you find this out?”

“Monday.”

“It’s Saturday.” She frowns.

“Yes…so?”

“So you haven’t told me for five fucking days?”

“I was trying to get my head around it.”

“Fuck,” she whispers as her head begins to catch up. “Oh fuck…Grace.”

“You said that already,” I snap.

“What did he say?”

“Gabriel?”

“Yeah.”

“He doesn’t know.”

“He doesn’t know.” She gasps loudly.

“Sshh.” I look around at the people in the tiny café. “And neither does anyone else. Keep your voice down.”

“Oh my god,” she whispers. “He doesn’t know.” She puts her head into her hands. “He didn’t wear a condom?”

“No.”

She holds up her hands in question.

“I’m on the pill.”

“You forgot to take it, didn’t you?”

“No. I did not forget to take it,” I snap.

“Well, how…?”

“I don’t fucking know, okay.” I cut her off. “All I know is it happened and now I’m pregnant and I have no idea what to do, and if your reaction is anything to go by, I am totally fucking screwed.”

“Sorry.” She winces as she sits back in her chair. “I’m just shocked.” She puffs air into her cheeks. “It’s a shock.”

“For me too.”

We sit for a moment and both sip our coffee. “What are you going to do?” she asks.

“I don’t know.”

“Are you…”

“I’m having the baby.” I finish her sentence.

Her eyes hold mine.

“Deb, I’m twenty-nine, I’m very single, and who knows, this might be my last chance and…” I shrug, lost for words, “…I’m having it.”

“Okay.” She nods. “Well… Congrats…I guess.” She gives me a lopsided smile.

“Thanks…I guess.”

“When are you going to tell him?” she asks.

I exhale heavily. “I don’t know.” I think for a moment. “I don’t know if it’s the hormones or what’s going on, but I feel so vulnerable and fragile. I’m not sure I could even see him at the moment without having a full mental breakdown, and that’s without the baby.”

Deb gives me a sad smile and takes my hand in hers. “Have you been to the doctor’s, like is it confirmed confirmed?”

“Well, I’ve done six pregnancy tests and they were all positive, and it’s been seven weeks since we had sex.”

“So if I were a betting man, I would bet that you’re seven weeks pregnant?” Deb thinks out loud.

“Last time I looked you’re not a better or a man.”

“I hope your baby has your wit,” she mutters dryly. “Or not.”

I exhale heavily as I think about the next steps I have to go through. “I’ll go to the doctor on Monday.”

“I’ll come with you.” She squeezes my hand in hers. “A baby,” she whispers as she hunches her shoulders up. “This is a little bit exciting.”

For the first time, a glimmer of hope runs through me, and I smile. “Maybe.”

“It’s positive.” Dr. Moran smiles. “Congratulations, Grace, you are eight weeks pregnant.”

My stomach flutters as if this is the first time I have heard it.

“Thank you.”

“I’ll write you a referral for an obstetrician.” He begins to type into his computer. “Ring in the next few days and make an appointment for when you are twelve weeks along. I’ve also written a pathology request for some blood tests, get those done before your appointment.”

“Okay.”

He gets out a little wheel thing and spins it. “I have your due date estimate as the twenty-seventh of September.”

“Oh.” I smile goofily. “Okay.”

Deb bounces in her chair beside me, unable to hide her excitement.

Is this really happening?

“Any questions?” the doctor asks.

“No.” I stand. “Thank you.”

“Congratulations again.” He smiles.

“Thanks.” I walk back to the car in a daze, Deb is chatting on and on but I hardly hear a word she’s saying.

I’m having a baby.

His baby.

I put my hand over my stomach, a little piece of Gabriel is growing inside of me right now.

“Are you going to open the door?”

“Huh?” I glance up.

Deb widens her eyes. “Unlock the car.”

“Oh. Right.” I unlock the car and stare down at it.

“Do you want me to drive?” she asks.

“Maybe. I’m so distracted.”

“No shit.”

The drive home is made in silence, well, not really, because Deb is chatting away and having a conversation, but I don’t hear a word.

I’m lost.

My mind is swinging between fear to the dream that he really loved me and maybe this baby was meant to be.

I get a vision of him being excited and lifting me up in the air and swinging me around as we laugh…

“Earth to Grace.” She waves her hand in front of my face. “Are you even listening?”

“Oh, sorry.” I glance over at her, almost embarrassed by my fantasy. “What?”

“You need to go to New York and tell him.”

“I know. I just need to get my head around it first.”

“No. You need to get your head around it together.”

My stomach sinks because I know he’s going to be devastated and I’m not sure I can handle one more rejection from him and survive it.

“Do you want me to come?” Deb asks.

“Where?”

“To New York,” she says. “Then if things turn to shit we can at least have a few days in New York shopping and drinking cocktails.”

I look at her deadpan.

“Oh right.” She winces. “You can’t drink cocktails. Eish, this is boring already. Shopping then.”

“You don’t mind?”

“I’d love to come and besides, I don’t want you going alone.” She takes my hand in hers. “We’ve got this and if Gabriel Ferrara doesn’t want his baby then screw him. We do…and we will love this little baby so fucking hard.”

I smile through tears and give a weak nod. “Yep.”

She continues driving. “When are you going to tell your parents?”

“Can we just concentrate on telling the father first?” I hold my temples. “This is all too much.”

“Right.” Deb nods, she glances over at me casually. “Because your mom is going to freak out, you know that, don’t you?”

“Not. Helping.”

One week later.

The traffic whizzes by as we sit on the park bench, our eyes firmly fixed on the front doors of Ferrara Media.

“Okay, so let’s run through this again,” Deb says.

I glance at my watch. “He’s going to be walking out to have lunch with his brothers at any moment, and I’m waiting until he comes into view and I’m calling him.”

“Why don’t you just call him now?”

“Because I want to see his face when he sees it’s me calling, I want to know what to expect when I go to see him.”

“Okay.”

We wait, and we wait…and we wait.

“What if he isn’t having lunch today?” she asks.

I shrug.

“What if he isn’t even in town…the country.”

“He’s in the country.”

“How do you know?”

“His jet is at JFK.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because I do,” I snap in frustration. “You are forgetting that I spied on this man for most of my adult life, I know where his fucking jet is.”

“Right.”

We sit some more and then I see Mark get out of his car and loiter around the front door. “Gabriel’s coming out now.”

“How do you know?”

“That guy in the black suit by the door is Mark, his driver.”

“Why would his driver be going to lunch with him?”

“He’s his bodyguard.”

She screws up her face. “He has a bodyguard?”

“Of course he has a bodyguard, he’s a rich bastard who pisses off a lot of people.”

We watch Mark as he stands by the door.

“Hmm.” Debbie smiles as she looks him up and down. “That Mark is a bit of alright, isn’t he?”

“He used to be in the army or something.” I shrug. “I don’t know, something manly and tough.”

“Mmmm.”

“He and Gabriel fight like cats and dogs but I know that Gabriel must like him.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because he bought him a Corvette for his birthday last year.”

“What?” she gasps. “How do you know?”

“Because I organized the registration on it.”

Deb screws up her face in disgust. “Are you fucking kidding me, you sucked his dick and all you got was a stupid bracelet, where’s your fucking Corvette?”

“It’s diamonds.” I widen my eyes; she doesn’t get it at all. “It was about the sentiment.”

“Big shit.” Deb drinks the last of her thick shake through the straw and it makes a loud sucking sound. “Fuck him and his stingy sentiment. Give us a Corvette next time, asshole. Actually, make it a Porsche.”

I exhale heavily, ugh…bringing Deb here could have been a big mistake. She already hates Gabriel with a passion.

The doors of the building open and Alessio comes into view and then Ricardo, and walking behind them is Gabriel.

“Who are they?” Deb asks.

“The two tall guys in front are his brothers Alessio and Ricardo.”

“Hmm.” Deb wiggles her eyebrows. “I don’t mind a bit of Italian suit porn.”

“Ricardo lives in London,” I reply as my eyes linger on one person only, Gabriel.

Towering above everyone, he’s wearing a dark blue suit and a white shirt, his dark hair has a curl to it and damn it, my heart is still on the bottom of his shoe. Seeing him for the first time in two months brings with it a wave of emotion, and I immediately tear up.

I miss him, lord how I miss him.

“Is that him at the back?”

I nod through tears.

His back is ramrod straight, and the way he walks is just so…male. He’s talking to Alessio, and Mark falls in to walk in front of them with Ricardo, the other brother.

How could three brothers all be so genetically blessed?

“Do it.”

“What?” My daydream is interrupted.

“Call him.”

“Oh shit, I forgot I was supposed to be doing that.”

With shaky fingers I dial his number and I hang on the line as I watch.

He digs his phone out of his pocket and looks at the screen.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump goes my heart.

Here it is, the moment of truth…

He looks at the screen and without answering the call puts his phone back into his pocket.

The caustic truth hits me hard in the face.

My vision blurs with tears.

“He’s such a fucking prick,” Debbie mutters under her breath.

I sit and stare into space, my heartbeat hammering in my ears.

And now I know.