The Bonus

“Your coffee, madam.” Gabriel smiles as he reappears after the school drop. He passes me a cup of coffee and sits on the bed beside me. The morning sunlight is beaming on his face, and today seems much brighter. I give him the once-over, his hair is wild, the two cords are hanging out of his track pants, and he has his T-shirt on inside out. “Did you…”

“Did I what?”

“Go into the coffee shop like that?”

“Yeah, why?” He frowns.

“Your shirt is on inside out.”

“No, it’s not.” He glances down to look at himself and his face falls. “Oh my god. It’s happening.”

I giggle at his horror. “What’s happening?”

“I’m turning into one of them…”

“You mean an exhausted parent who is trying their best to survive each day?”

His eyes search mine. “Last night was a disaster, wasn’t it?”

“Not at all.”

He sips coffee with a defeated demeanor.

“What’s wrong?”

“I thought I’d be better at this.”

I smile at his delusion. “Every parent thinks they’ll be better at this, until you’re in the trenches you have no idea how hard it is.”

“I know why you let me come here and look after you.” He sips his coffee.

“You do?”

“You thought this would push me away and I’d run for the hills, didn’t you?” His eyes hold mine. “Am I right?”

We stare at each other as silent confirmation runs between us. “It’s not over yet, you still have time to run.” I smile, and then a thought comes to me. “Why did you offer to do this? I know how busy you are.”

“Because you and the children are my responsibility now. I want to be the one who cares for you.”

“The children are your responsibility, not me.”

“Grace.”

I don’t answer him.

“Look at me.” I drag my eyes to meet his. “I’m here for you, not the children. I can have a relationship with them from wherever I am…it’s a relationship with you that I want.”

“Why would you want a relationship with me?”

“Because I love you.”

My eyes search his.

“And I need you to love me back,” he whispers. “So we can get past this and be happy.”

“It’s not that easy, Gabriel.”

“Then tell me how to make it easy. I can’t fix it if you won’t even let me in to talk about it.”

I fidget with a cushion on my bed as I search for the right wording.

“Do you even want to try to fix us?” he asks.

I nod.

“Then talk to me.”

“I can’t explain it. I guess…”

“Yes, I’m listening.”

“Last night was a million times easier than when I came home from the hospital with two babies. You have no idea how hard it’s been and what I’ve been through and I’m angry and resentful at you.”

He sits back. “Fair call.”

“And sometimes I just really want to stab you or something.”

“Slightly sinister serial killer aspirations…but okay, I’m listening.”

“And you’ve just turned up here, snapped your fingers and expect me to jump into your arms, and it doesn’t work like that.”

He listens intently.

“And you use your dick against me and that isn’t fair.”

“My dick?” He frowns in surprise. “What’s my dick got to do with anything, are you angry we slept together?”

“Yes. Furious with myself.”

“Why?” he says softly as he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “That night was perfect, how could you regret it?”

“Because it wasn’t a conscious decision for me, it was a spur-of-the-moment physical act.”

He stares at me for a beat. “You’re angry that we did it on my desk all those years ago, aren’t you? You’re angry because you think it just happened.”

“It did just happen.”

“After I wanted it for seven years. It did not just happen, Grace. In fact, it was the best sexual experience of my life, and now that I know what came from it, it’s even more special. It was premeditated in my mind for years before.”

I twist my lips as I think.

“Did it just happen for you?” He frowns. “You mean…you didn’t want it to happen at all?”

“Not like that.” I hesitate before I say the next thing. “The thing is, I don’t blame your mother for hating me. If Dominic was three weeks before his wedding and his secretary turned up with two of his children that were conceived on his desk, I’d be devastated too.”

“Do not defend her, that is different.”

“How is it different?”

“Because we were meant to be together,” he snaps angrily. “And don’t you dare bring my mother into this. I blame her for my misery for the last seven years. If she hadn’t demanded her expectations for me to be with an Italian woman, I would have married you back then.”

Married me?

His eyes widen as he realizes what he’s just revealed.

“So you’re angry with your mother for past things…not just that she came to my office that day?”

“My issues with my mother run way deeper than you could ever imagine, Grace. Let’s just leave it at that.” He gets up and begins to organize clothes and I watch him for a moment. “What do you mean?” I ask him.

“Let’s just say my mother’s love has always been conditional.”

“Meaning what?”

“Meaning this conversation is over.” He marches out of the room and I stare after him, confused and perplexed.

He would have married me back then…what?

Gabriel carries me through the front door of his house just on ten thirty. We don’t have an office at my house to do his Zoom from so we needed to come here. I’m feeling a little bit better after our talk this morning and I want to try to make this as easy for him as I can. I have no idea what I’m going to do while he’s working, but I do know that I can’t stay home by myself yet.

“I’ve got to get into my suit, do you want to come upstairs?” he asks.

I haven’t seen his bedroom here.

“I’m heavy to take up the stairs.”

“No, you’re not. Come talk to me while I get ready.” He carries me up the stairs, down the hall, and into the grand bedroom, then lays me on the four-poster bed.

“I have to shower. Do you need anything?” He passes me my phone.

“Nope. I’m good.”

He disappears into the bathroom and I hear the shower running. Although I can’t see him in the bathroom, I can see his reflection in a mirror in the bedroom. He takes his shirt off over his head and his broad, muscular back comes into view.

My heart stops as I stave off excitement.

He drops his pants, and although I can’t see below his waist, my breath falters anyway. Just knowing he’s naked in there does things to me. I drag my eyes back to my phone.

Stop it.

“You hungry?” he calls.

I glance up and see him in the shower washing his hair, his eyes closed and the soap running down his wet body. His biceps bulge as he moves his hands.

Jeez.

“Not really.”

Focus.

I keep scrolling through Instagram, and I couldn’t tell you what I’m looking at because my mind is in the shower. I hear it turn off and pretend not to notice.

Don’t look up.

Gabriel walks back out into the bedroom with a white towel around his waist, his body a ripple of muscle and water beads on his olive skin. I swallow the lump in my throat. “What do you want for dinner?” he asks as he walks into his wardrobe.

“Anything,” I reply, distracted.

He reappears with a suit and shirt and lays them on the bed beside me, he grabs some briefs from the drawer and then drops his towel, I’m hit in the face with thick quad muscles, short well-kept pubic hair and his huge dick that hangs heavily between his legs. It’s half erect, not fully…but damn…

My eyes linger before I drag them up to his eyes. Satisfaction flashes across his face.

“I don’t think you need to get dressed in front of me,” I mutter, embarrassed he’s caught me ogling.

“You’ve seen me naked before.”

“We’re friends for the moment.”

“Yeah, well.” He dries his crotch with the towel. “Happy to dress in front of my friends too.” Standing at the end of the bed, he pulls his black Calvin Klein underpants up and then puts his white shirt on. His eyes hold mine as he does the buttons up in slow motion.

My sex clenches in appreciation…

“Maybe we should just get something easy for dinner tonight.” I try to change the subject.

“Like what?” He pulls his suit pants on and zips them up, then walks over to the dresser and sprays his aftershave on.

Leg-opener cologne.

It 100 percent works, because my legs are literally opening against my will.

“I don’t know…” I breathe, his scent intoxicating me by the second. “Something easy after a hard night.”

His dark eyes rise to meet mine, and he pulls his tie around his neck. “I like the way you say hard night.” He does his tie, and I have to wonder…is there anything hotter than a man standing at the end of your bed, tying up his tie?

“Thank you for looking after me.” I breathe, distracted. I’m officially drunk on his aftershave; visions of sexual favors are running naked through my mind.

This man is the devil, even though I have a broken wrist, he turns me into a hornbag.

He pulls his suit coat on and checks himself in the mirror, he straightens his tie and turns toward me. “I like looking after you.” He picks me up, and I tentatively put my arm around his neck.

Something about him in a suit does things to me…brings back memories of a time when I worshiped the ground that he walked on. He carries me downstairs. “Where do you want to go, babe?”

“Can you stop calling me babe?”

“No.” He kisses my shoulder as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. “You are my babe.”

“Gabriel, we are just friends.”

“Okay.” He holds me in his arms as he looks at me.

“What do you mean, okay?” I frown.

“If that’s what you want, okay.”

“Oh.”

“Just so you know…even though this is just a friend-looking-after-a-friend arrangement.” He kisses my shoulder again. “I’m not giving up on us.”

“Why not?”

“Because we belong together.”

He holds me in his arms as we stare at each other. He’s so strong in his power suit, and I’m a broken, fragile version of myself in pajamas.

He gives me a slow, sexy smile and kisses my shoulder again. “Now…I have to work, stop distracting me.” He carries me into the living room. Mark is out in the backyard cleaning the pool, and Gabriel opens the sliding door. “Hi.”

“Hello,” he calls as he walks up to the house.

“I have to work, so can you help Grace with anything that she needs, please?”

“Sure.” Mark smiles over at me. “Hi, Grace.”

“Hi.” I give an awkward smile. Damn it, he’s getting me babysat now. “I’m fine, really.”

“No, no,” Gabriel says as he organizes me on the couch. “She’ll need lunch and snacks.”

“Done,” Mark replies.

“And if she needs to be moved, come and get me, you’re not to touch her.”

What the hell?

“I wouldn’t dare.” Mark smirks.

I feel my cheeks turn a bright shade of red.

“Look after her,” Gabriel says. He bends and kisses my forehead. “I’ll just be in my office. Call if you need me.”

He strides down the hall to his office and closes the door behind him.

I’m left alone in the awkward silence with Mark.

“I really don’t need to be babysat, Mark, thanks anyway.”

“I’m going to get to making you some lunch. Any requests?”

“Got any leftovers from the beef stroganoff you made last night?” I smirk.

His eyes widen and then flick down the hall to where Gabriel is. “I⁠—”

“Was just helping.” I shrug. “I get it, I won’t tell him that I know.”

“What gave it away?”

“Seeing he doesn’t know how to turn on my oven and he somehow miraculously cooked everything in record time, it wasn’t rocket science to work it out.”

“Oh.” He smiles. “He’s trying.”

“I know.”

“Do you, though?”

I frown. What does he mean by that?

Mark has something to say, I want to hear what it is.

“Why don’t you make us a cup of coffee and we go sit by the pool?” I say.

His eyes drift down the hall.

“I’ll get Gabriel to help me out.”

“Okay.” He disappears into the kitchen and I text Gabriel.

Sorry to bother you.

Can you give me a quick lift out to the pool?

I want to sit in the sun.

The office door opens and Gabriel comes striding out, he has his AirPods in and is talking on the phone. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he says, he bends and lifts me into his arms and kisses my arm.

All these arm kisses today…

We stride to the back door and he opens it as he carries me. “No, that won’t do. I want the report by Monday.” He listens as he walks me down the steps. I can hear a man talking on the other end but not well enough to know what’s being said. He carries me down to the pool and sits me down on the deck chair, he kisses my shoulder and smiles. “You okay?” he mouths.

I nod as my stomach flutters.

Without another word, he turns and marches back inside.

Five minutes later, Mark appears with two cups of coffee. He sits down beside me on the deck chair and passes me my cup. “Thank you.”

“How hungry are you? You feel like a cooked meal for lunch?”

“I’d kill for a grilled cheese sandwich.”

He smiles. “I can do that.”

I sip my cup of coffee as I try to work out what to say next. “So…you cook for him?”

He chuckles. “Not usually. He has a chef at home.”

“A chef.” I frown. “I forget how exotic his life is in New York.”

“I know,” he replies.

My eyes shoot up in question.

“I didn’t mean…”

“No, no, please go on. This is a private conversation; I would never tell him what we talk about if you agree to never tell him that I know he didn’t cook last night.”

He chuckles.

“You’ve been with him a long time?”

“Nine years.”

“I bet you’ve seen a lot in that time.”

“Yes and no.”

“What does that mean?”

“Just that…Gabriel’s a creature of habit, not much has changed with him at all…that is, until the last seven weeks.”

“Since he came here, you mean?”

He nods.

“I guess it was very different when he was going to marry Ariana too.”

“No, not at all.” He goes to open his mouth and then stops himself from saying something.

“What?”

“It’s not my place to say.”

“No, please. Say it. Your perspective would be very helpful; you know him better than anyone. Lord knows I need some help working this all out.”

“I just…I don’t believe he was ever going to marry Ariana.”

“Why not?”

He frowns as he looks over the pool. “I’m not sure how much he’s told you about…” His voice trails off.

“About what?”

“About the period of time after you and he were together in New York?”

“When he broke my heart?”

“When he broke his.”

My eyes flick to him. “What do you mean?”

“He was never the same after you left.”

“I wish I could believe you.” I sigh.

He sips his coffee. “Have you ever wondered why he came looking for you?”

My eyes hold his.

“All I’m saying is…”

“What are you saying?”

“He always said that you were his one that got away, you were the girl he was supposed to live happily ever after with.”

I get a lump in my throat as I listen.

“Pride ruins a lot of relationships, Grace.”

“You think I’m going to ruin this?” I whisper.

“Look…it’s…” He shrugs. “He deserves to be happy.” He gives me a stifled smile. “And so do you and the kids.”

“Mark.” My eyes search his. “What if… He terrifies me.”

“Yeah, well…” He smiles sadly. “Grand love always does.”

“That sounds like you’re speaking from experience.”

“Mine didn’t work out so good.”

“Why not?”

“Pride.”

“Yours?” I frown.

The back door opens and we look up to see Gabriel standing on the porch, he’s on phone and looking down at us. He holds his hand up in question at the two of us sitting together by the pool.

“What’s he doing?” I ask.

“Being a jealous prick.” He stands. “Got to go before I get my head ripped off.”

I giggle and watch him walk into the house. Gabriel says something as he passes him by and pretends to swing a punch, Mark laughs and keeps walking.

I sit alone by the pool…just me and my confused thoughts.

Four hours later, I lie on the couch, channel surfing as I listen to Gabriel rule the world through Zoom. He’s demanding and bossy, cantankerous and angry. I’ve come to the conclusion that he hasn’t changed at work at all since I left as his PA.

Still the biggest bastard in New York.

Weird.

He’s so mellow with the kids…and even me now.

A text pops in.

Do you need to go to the bathroom?

I reply.

Only if you have time

I listen to him wrap up his meeting, and he appears. “You okay?”

“Uh-huh.” I smile.

“Bathroom?”

“Uh-huh.” He picks me up and carries me down the hallway and sits me on the toilet.

“You know, I thought you’d changed,” I tell him.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re still so angry at work?”

“I’m assertive, there’s a difference, and what would make you think I’ve changed?”

“Well…you’re a big pussy cat with the kids.”

“I’m no different, Grace. I’m exactly the same person I’ve always been.” He frowns at me as if having an epiphany. “Has it ever occurred to you that you didn’t know the real me back then?”

I stare at him, confused.

No. It hadn’t.

“Do you want me to pull down your pants?” He raises a suggestive eyebrow.

“No.” I smirk. “I’ve got it.”

The pink glow lights up the lake, and I smile into the sunset. The kids are chattering away as Gabriel cooks steak on the grill, and a new sense of calm has fallen over me.

It’s like…the unknown has begun to reveal itself to me…to us.

Seeing the children with him… Everything has changed. Maybe it’s my talk with Mark today, maybe it’s the drugs, maybe I’m just really fucking high.

But for the entirety of my pregnancy and the children’s lives, I have lived in fear, that Gabriel would find out about them…that the children would find out I lied to them…that my parents would discover who the father is. That he would take the kids from me.

Suddenly, the only thing surrounding me is truth, and it isn’t half as horrendous as I’d envisaged. In fact, it’s been cathartic.

A huge weight of anger, regret and fear has been lifted from my shoulders, and for the first time in seven years, I feel free.

“Like this,” Gabriel says. He uses the tongs and flips the steak over and then passes them to Dominic. I watch on as Dom carefully flips the steak, concentrating so hard that his little tongue is sticking out.

Gabriel’s hand rests on Dom’s shoulder as he watches on. “Good, yes, like that.”

Dom smiles proudly, feeling so grown up.

Tonight has been pretty uneventful. After last night, we’re all exhausted, and quite honestly, I just can’t wait to get some sleep.

Gabriel and Dominic carry the tray of meat over and sit it on the table, Lucia dishes me some salad out onto my plate and Gabriel puts a piece of steak on.

“Well…” I look around proudly. “Look at us being all civilized.”

Gabriel smiles proudly, he has a certain twinkle in his eyes whenever things run smooth.

We sit together as we eat, the four of us on the lake as the sun goes down.

And even in a cast, I have a lot to be grateful for.

“Good night. I love you.”

“Love you too, Mom.”

I kiss the kids and Gabriel disappears with them to tuck them into bed.

I hop into the bathroom and go to the toilet. I’m getting the hang of this hopping thing. I need a shower, but…

Gabriel appears with a plastic bag and electrical tape. “Let’s get your cast wrapped so you can shower.”

I exhale heavily. “I feel like such a burden.”

He stands me up and puts the bag over my arm and thinks for a moment. “You need to undress first.”

“This is awkward.”

“Why?”

“Because you have to help me in the shower and…”

“I’ve seen you naked, you know?”

“I know, but it’s just weird in this context.” Without the pounding body of arousal between us, this all feels a little too…raw and intimate.

“Arms up.”

I hold my arms up and Gabriel slowly lifts my shirt over my head.

My pink bra comes into view. He slides my pants down my legs and suddenly I’m standing before him in my underwear.

His eyes roam over my skin, and he smiles softly.

I can’t breathe.

“Turn around,” he instructs.

I turn to face away from him and he undoes my bra. My breasts fall free.

Thump, thump, thump goes my heart.

“Give me your hand.” I put my hand out, and from behind he carefully wraps it in the plastic bag and tapes it up. He then slides my panties down my legs and takes them off.

I can feel his eyes burning my skin as they roam over my naked body. He steps forward, turns the shower on and holds his hand under the water as he gets the temperature right. He may have seen my body before, but he’s never seen me this naked.

Raw as it comes.

For the first time, his eyes drop down my front, drinking every inch of me in.

I swallow the lump in my throat, waiting for his reaction.

He runs his finger over the large scar across the bottom of my stomach and his eyes rise to meet mine. “What is this?”

“My C-section scar.”

A trace of a frown crosses his face. “Did it hurt?”

I nod.

His face falls as he stares at it. “I’m sorry, Grace,” he whispers. “I should have been there.”

“Don’t.” I hop past him and he takes my hand and helps me under the water.

I could cry, not sniffles and tears. Howl-to-the-moon emotions.

Tonight’s too real, a little close to the surface. It’s like the last seven years are suddenly here and hitting me in the face.

I stand under the hot water with my back to him, unable to look him in the eye, because if I do, who knows what’s going to come out of my mouth.

He leans up against the tiles.

“Can I have some privacy, please?” I ask.

“I don’t want you to fall.”

“I’m fine, I’m just standing here. I’m not going to fall.”

He walks into the bedroom and I put my face under the water. It runs over the top of my head, wetting my hair.

I need to get off this medication. It’s making me weak.

I stand under the water for a long time and it’s the weirdest thing, such a simple thing as him seeing my C-section scar has cut me wide open.

I’m back there, my heart feels just as broken as the day that he kicked me to the curb.

Eventually, I turn the shower off and he appears with a towel, as if he knows what’s going on inside my head. He wraps me in it and softly dries me. He ties it around my chest and I hop to the sink and brush my teeth, and he helps me out into the bedroom. I see he has my nightdress laid out on the bed.

“Arms up.” I put my arms up and he slides it over my head. “Sit on the bed and let me dry your hair.” I sit down and he towels my hair, he does it rougher and rougher. “You call me barbaric.” I wince.

He chuckles. “Let me brush it.” He softly brushes my hair and I stare at the wall, again overcome with emotion.

Why is brushing my hair a big deal?

It’s the meds…it has to be the meds.

Eventually, he folds the blankets back and I lie down. “Pillow under your arm and leg on the edge tonight, I can’t sleep like I did last night,” he says. “Oddly enough, I need to breathe.”

I smile at my dramatics about his breathing last night. I lie down and he turns off the light and slides in behind me. He puts his hand on my hip bone and I can hear his mind ticking over a million times a minute as he thinks.

“Did you love me?” he whispers. “Back then.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does to me.”

I hesitate. I don’t want to answer that while I’m feeling like this. “Good night, Gabriel.”

He stays silent, his hand tightening around my hip.

“It’s a yes or no question, did you ever love me?”

“Yes.”

“Do you still love me…even a little?”

I don’t answer…because I can’t. Because once I give him an inch, he’s going to take a mile and I can’t deal with losing myself all over again.

“I’m taking that as a yes.” He grips my hip bone and pulls me back against his body. “We’re going to make it, Grace,” he whispers. “I’m going to make sure of it.”

“Good night,” I whisper into the darkness.

“I’ll make a deal with you.”

“What’s that?”

“We take sex out of the equation.”

“What?”

“We try to make this work…without sex.”

I stay silent as I think.

“Don’t answer me now, think about it overnight.” He kisses the back of my shoulder blade. “Good night, my love.”

My love.

Maybe…just maybe.

I wake to the feeling of lips dusting my neck. Gabriel’s arm is under my head and his body is snug up against mine, I’m warm and toasty. “Good morning, my Gracie,” he whispers in my ear. “How’s your hand?”

“It’s okay.”

His hard length is up against my behind, he flexes it and I feel it move. “Your breakfast is ready,” he breathes.

“You know, for someone who took sex off the table, there’s a lot of hard dick in my back,” I whisper.

“Yeah, well…it’s morning.” He rolls me onto my back and looks down at me. “Did you think about it?”

All night long.

“I did.”

“And?”

Am I a masochist? One hundred percent.

“I can’t make any promises.”

He gives me a slow sexy smile. “Is that a yes?”

I smile up at him as my hopeful heart thumps in my chest. “That’s a let’s see what happens.”