The Alpha's Mutt

I trudged on through the forest, uncertain where I was meant to go now. I had never been beyond the boundaries of the pack before and because I had not been allowed to train, I had no real means of protecting myself. I was going to have to rely on my wit if I was going to survive.

I considered, briefly, seeking out the help of another pack. Perhaps they would provide me with assistance and shelter. But I quickly dismissed that idea, knowing that it was unlikely. I had been considered undesirable as a pack member before I had been dismissed by my pack. Now that I had been cast out, I was a lone wolf, a rogue. If there was any chance that they would have been kind to me before that was gone now.

I cursed myself for not running away sooner. Better to have chosen the rogue life rather than having it forced on you. Now that I had been banished from a pack there was no opportunity for me amongst wolf-kind. If I had chosen to run instead, some wolves may have been more understanding.

“Well, such as it is…” I sighed.

I was exhausted and knew that I needed to find somewhere to rest. My nerves were fried, and my heart was broken. I had figured that Farris would reject me and then allow me to return to my life as an outcast within the pack. I had never thought that he would go so far as to throw me out of the pack altogether. I would have never imagined his need to dispose of me. It was not as though I would have caused any trouble for him.

The worst part was that he did not bother to reject me first. Even though, I had cut the ties that bound me to the pack, itself. There would always be that invisible string which would connect my heart to Farris’s. A pull that would always draw me towards him. He had been selfish enough to leave me with that, on top of everything else.

I came upon a stack of boulders that had clumped themselves together after being stuck on each other during a great migration thousands of years before. A few of them were gathered in a way that it offered a small shelter for me to tuck myself inside. At least my tiny, malnourished form was good for something. Resigned that this would be the best that I was going to find. All I could do was hope that it would be enough to hide me from any curious creatures that might come my way.

I drifted off into an uncomfortable sleep. I was plagued with dreams of Farris taking Sauda as his mate. They ruled over the pack together and she made everyone’s lives hell. But Farris did not care. He loved her. He would do anything for her. My name was never spoken. I had disappeared from memory. Even Alessa had forgotten that I had existed. The cabin had been torn down, erasing the last speck of me from view.

I was forced to watch Farris live his life without me. Knowing that he never cared for me. Knowing that he had chosen Sauda to share his life and raise adopted pups with. I was not good enough; I never had been, and I was never going to be. I could feel my heart shattering in my chest. The pain wracking itself throughout my body. Voices began to whisper in the darkness; voices that I somehow recognized, but did not, at the same time.

“Kill yourself…” They whispered.

“You’re better off dead…” It came again.

“End it all.” They continued.

“Stop it!” I cried, clutching my ears with my hands not wanting to hear their cruel words.

“Kill yourself!” They carried on louder.

“Everyone hates you!”

“Die already!”

“No! Stop it!” I screamed, raising my voice as well.

“You’re weak!”

“You’ll never survive!”

“Ending it all would be easier!”

“I will not!” I argued back, truly standing up for myself for probably the first time in my life.

“Don’t speak back, mutt!”

“Mutts are worthless!”

“You need to die!”

“You cannot even shift like a normal wolf!”

“Useless wolf!”

The voices chastised me over and over again. I could feel the anger beginning to bubble up inside of me. I did not care who they were or what they had to say.I was not going to kill myself. I was not going to die. I would fight back. I would survive. I had managed to up until now, despite the loneliness that clung to me like a blanket. I could not give up so easily.

“NO!!!!!!!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.

I noticed my voice continuing onwards even after I had intended for it to stop, but it no longer sounded like my voice. Instead, it was a loud and fearsome snarl. Growling into the darkness that the voices had surrounded me with. Snapping at the unseen entities before me. Attacking those who wished to cause me harm.

“ENOUGH!!!!” An echoing, ethereal voice screamed out over-coming the others.

I awoke with a start, forced from my nightmare with a sudden jolt. I leaped from my hiding space and landed squarely on the flat rock before me. It was only then that I realized that something was wrong, very wrong. I stood firmly atop the boulder that had been in front of my hiding space. But I was not on two legs…no, instead I was standing on all fours.

I had shifted. The light of the full moon shining down a beam straight upon me. I felt a power that I had never sensed before. I closed my eyes and basked in the glow. I did not know if I was dreaming or hallucinating, but I felt strong. I felt right. I would get through this, somehow. I just had to remember that I really was a wolf.

I was elated. I had never been more relieved in my entire life. I was not certain why I had shifted, but I decided to take this as a sign. I was safer in wolf-form and the Goddess meant to remind me of such through my grief. Maybe, I was not forsaken after all. The Moon Goddess had finally smiled upon me with favor. I had never been more grateful to Her.

I pranced around on all fours. Enjoying the feeling of being in my wolf form. I shook out my silver-gray coat and stretched out my limbs. I was certain that I could survive now. I may not have had a lot of experience as a wolf, but I had enough to know that I would be much better off. I had the Goddess on my side and feeling that way gave me more hope than I could have ever imagined.

I howled to the moon. Offering a grateful “thank you” to the Goddess whom I had assumed had forsaken me long ago. I left my bag in the boulders, knowing that I would not need it in my current form. At least I would know where it was when I did need something from it later.

I longed to leave it behind as it was a reminder of my old life. A life that I never intended to return to again. It was time to walk away from all of that once and for all. It was time to start new.

I was a rogue, and I was a wolf. I would live as such from this point forward. No more cowardly mutt.