The Alpha

Even though I was tired laying there, I couldn't sleep. So I thought. I thought about Alpha Chris and how I managed to be here.

To me it was odd, I couldn't remember Alpha Derek coming to the pack, but I remember seeing his eyes. I barely remembered the hospital, but I remembered the sparks when he grabbed me. I don't remember a lot of my childhood, but Alpha Chris was burned into my mind.

His hands, eyes, hair, smell, height, voice, everything about him. I hated it. I couldn't stand him. “But you think about him?"

It's not like-...

“Okay slut, then-'

A knock sounded at the door. I quickly got up, earning a headache from moving too fast, and rushed to the door. When I opened it Beta Mallory was standing there.

"Hey Violet, you ready?” He asked in a lighter voice.

I nodded and he took me down to the kitchen. We sat at the table where food was already set out. I noticed my plate had less food on it than his and I was grateful because I would feel bad wasting more food.

He started small conversations while we were eating. I finished quickly, like last time and soon the food was taken and he walked us out to the living room.

He sat on the sofa with a clipboard and told me to sit with him because he had something to talk to me about.

"Violet, do you remember I said we talk about your clothes. Now- Violet, it would make me feel like you're listening if you looked at me, or at least up.” He wasn't mean when he corrected me. I looked up at him and he gave a soft smile.

“So, I'm going to ask you some questions about your sizes and what you prefer to wear. I'm going to assume you're a small, yes?” He questioned.

I nodded.

"Alright and how about shoe size, and bra size?" I felt slightly unco- well more uncomfortable at that question. I simply shrugged because, in truth, I didn't know.

“That's okay, someone can size you later...” He wrote down on his clipboard and my eyes couldnt help but stare.

I know if I was with Alpha Chris I would've been slapped unconscious for starring.

'Why is he any different?"

“Don't be so fucking disrespectful, you bitch!"

.I'm sorry...

“Don't be sorry, be better.

Alpha Chris's famous words to me rang in my head and my eyes immediately fell from Beta Mallory’s clipboard to my own hands positioned in my lap.

My interest in what Beta Mallory was talking about seemed to be slipping like sand through a sieve. My mind started to wander to my abuser. Not in the affection way, or in the way that I'm missing him but in a fearful manner because I felt so lost in what was happening.

Where was he?

Was he close to me?

Is he on his way to find me?

My mind physically hurt, I couldn“t deal with it.

'You can't deal with anything."

..Shut up...

“Violet.” Beta Malloy's voice snapped me back to reality, and I glanced up at him “I asked you, do you have any preferences when it comes to clothing? Like shorts or pants or like, short-sleeved shirts...” He trailed off with his question, hoping I got what he wanted.

I was hesitant with my answer, “um, I-long-sleeved s-shirts a-and p-pants...” I spoke in a low voice and I felt selfish for having a preference for what to wear. I felt like I didn't deserve to have what I wanted, no, I knew I didn't deserve it.

I chose long-sleeved shirts to hide my scars, especially my wrist. And pants, the same reason. I didn't have too many scars on my legs, I was just insecure.

“Alright,” he wrote on his clipboard and again my eyes became glued to it. “Violet, how about nightwear? Any preference, the same...”

I shrugged my shoulders, I felt like I was already too much of a snob. I knew I should've just kept my mouth shut.

“Oh, Violet, you can keep your mouth shut?’

"You always had it open for Chris..."

..That...that's not-'

“Shut up.’

"Your bruised knees speak for themselves."

'Yeah, and even when your mouth wasn’t on his dick, you always knew how to talk too much.’

221

'Shut up, you tramp!’

“Too bad Chris never disciplined you enough to learn to shut up..."

"Violet, you're crying.” Beta Mallory, for the second time today snapped me out of my thoughts.

I brought a hand up to my cheek to only be greeted with wetness. I was crying. I stumbled out an apology.

“Don’t you know how to keep your mouth shut!"

"Violet, do you want to go upstairs or something?” His voice had a gentle tone to it.

“Cut.’

I nodded my head and sniffled as we got up.

“Cut.’

He led me up the stairs and to my room.

“Cut.’

He shut the door and I immediately ran to the bathroom. I noticed that the bathroom has been stocked with some beauty products.

“Cut.’

I practically yanked open the cabinets and drawers till I found it. Something sharp. Shaving razors. It seemed like the moon goddess was on my side because sitting right beside the pack of razors were blade refills.

I smiled.

My brain was pounding, my headache growing and it seemed like my hands weren't moving fast enough.

They fumbled along with the boxes and it spurted open like a can of worms. I grabbed a razor, closing the drawer, and sat on the ground by the tub. I quickly looked over to see if the door was locked. It was.

'Cut goddammit!"

I did. I put it and slid it along my skin. A relieved sigh escaped from my lips.

“Good.

I made mark after mark. Scar after scar. I didn't stop until the voice in my head told me we were good.

Bit by bit I got up and cleaned my mess. I figured I couldn't get their white towels dirty, so I used some toilet paper and flushed it.

I washed my cuts and noticed the small crosses made in years time. They were formed when I started to do both horizontal and vertical cuts.

'Very pleasing.’

A sense of satisfaction washed over me at the voice's approval.

I pulled down my sleeves and went to lie down.

After a few hours, a tapping came at the door.

I went to answer it, and there was Beta Mallory. He gave a small smile, “dinner time!”

I followed him down and sat with him. I barely touched the food, even though I knew I needed it after just losing blood, I couldn't find it in me to eat.

Beta Mallory didn't really speak, but I felt his eyesight on my wrists. They were wrapped and I had a shirt over it but I didn't put it past his Beta self to not smell the blood. After we were done, he walked me back up to the room.

I felt exhausted so I walked over to the spot on the floor. It was on the right side of the bed on the floor, so when you opened the door, you wouldn't see me. I laid and I knew that no matter how exhausted I felt, I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight.

If 1 wasn't blessed with nightmares in my sleep, I didn't get any sleep. Lovely insomnia. Truly amazing.

My eyes were burning and I felt light-headed through-out the whole night. But I never got to close my eyes and drift away.00