The Alpha Chose Me

I didn’t want to get up. I could hear the shower running so I knew Jake was awake. I didn’t get to sleep till late because my mind wouldn't shut off. I had all the time in the world to think.

No distractions. Nothing to focus on other than my thoughts. Everything running around in my head over and over again.

Could I have done something different? Was I to blame for the loss of our child?

I woke up sad, I already knew today wasn’t going to be a good day. I didn’t want to be sad, I wanted to push past this and move on, but I couldnt. I couldn't stop the guilt.

The constant reminder that I wasn’t pregnant anymore.

“Morning baby. I made you coffee”. He nodded towards my bedside drawer.

There he was. Wet from the shower, a towel hung around his waist. He only wanted to be there for me, to look after me and yet every fiber in my body wanted to push him away.

In my mind dealing with this on my own was the only way through. But I promised I wouldn't shut him out. I promised myself I'd lean on him whenever I needed to. I know deep down I needed him more than anything right now.

And yet I still wanted to do it alone because it was my trauma.

“Leah are you okay?"

“I feel sad”. I spoke. “I want to push you away so bad and deal with this on my own but-..".

“Hey”. His voice soft he sat on the edge of the bed. “It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to cry, to be angry, to scream through the pain. But I won't sit back and let you go through this on your own”.

I didn’t want today to go like this. I wanted to wake up positive, be productive, go out for breakfast with my friends. I wanted today to be the start of something fresh. I would never forget but a line had to be drawn so I could move on and yet I couldn't get myself out of bed.

I guess today wasn't that day.

“Why did it have to happen to me, to us?”. I whispered.

“That's a question I don’t have an answer to baby”.

No one had an answer, things in life happen, cruel things that we have no control over. We just have to deal with it and move forward.

“I wish I could take all your pain and suffering away Leah”. As he moved closer to me, he took both my hands in his. “I'm here, I'm always here, please don’t shut me out through this”.

I was never going to. As much as I wanted to I never would. This pain I felt was as much mine as it was his. Sometimes I forget that he has feelings just like I do. We all know Jake doesn’t share his feelings but deep down they are there.

He just hides them better than I do.