The Air He Breathes

“Liz, you have some nerve leaving like you and Emma did without even giving me a call!” Mama scolded me through the telephone. Emma and I had been back in our house for two days and Mama was just now calling me. It was either because she was upset with me for only leaving her a note, or because she’d been off running around town with some stranger and had just now returned home after all that time.

I was leaning toward the second option.

“I’m sorry, but you knew we were planning on leaving… We needed a new start,” I tried to explain.

“A new start in your old house? That doesn’t make much sense.”

I didn’t expect her to understand, so I changed the subject. “How was dinner with Roger?”

“Richard,” she scolded. “Don’t pretend like you don’t remember his name. And it was amazing. I think he could be the one.”

I rolled my eyes. Each guy she saw was the one—until they weren’t.

“Are you rolling your eyes at me?” Mama asked.

“No.”

“You are, aren’t you?! You’re so disrespectful sometimes.”

“Mama, I need to get to work,” I lied. “Is it okay if I call you back later?”

Maybe tomorrow.

Maybe next week.

I just need space.

“Fine. But don’t forget who was there for you when you had no one, baby girl. Sure, Steven’s parents are probably helping you now, but there’s going to come a point when you realize who your real family is, and who isn’t.”

I’d never been so thankful to end a phone call.

***

Sometimes I stood in the backyard and stared out into the wild bushes and tall grass, trying to remember what it had used to look like. Steven had made the place beautiful. He’d always had an eye for details when it came to landscaping, and I could almost imagine the smell of the flowers he’d planted, which were now all dead.

“Close your eyes,” Steven whispered, walking up to me with his hands behind his back. I did as he said. “Name this flower,” he said. The smell hit my nose and I smiled.

“Hyacinth.”

I smiled wider when I felt his lips kiss mine. “Hyacinth,” he echoed. My eyes opened. He placed the flower behind my ear. “I was thinking of planting a few by the pond in the backyard.”

“It’s my favorite flower,” I said.

“You’re my favorite girl,” he replied.

I blinked, and I was back, missing the smells of the past.

My eyes shifted to my neighbor’s house, whose lawn was even worse off than mine. The house was made of reddish-brown bricks and had ropes of ivory wrapping around each side. Their grass was ten times longer than mine, and on the back porch I saw a garden gnome that was shattered into pieces. A plastic yellow kid’s baseball bat was hidden in the ever-growing strands of grass, along with a toy dinosaur.

A small table saw was set up by the shed, its red paint peeling. Stacks of wood were leaning up against the shed, and I wondered if anyone actually lived in the house at all.

It seemed more abandoned than ever, and I couldn’t help but wonder about the mindset of my neighbor.

Behind all the houses on our block was the beginning of Meadows Creek’s forest. The area was surrounded with trees. I knew deep within those trees there was a narrow river hidden in the darkened woods that ran for miles and miles. Most people didn’t know it actually existed, but when I was in college, I’d discovered it with Steven. In the narrow river was a tiny rock. On the tiny rock were the initials ST and EB. Those initials had been carved into the tiny rock resting in the narrow river in the darkened woods when Steven had asked me to marry him. Without much thought, I found myself walking into the woods and before long I sat within the trees, staring down at my reflection in the water.

One breath.

The small fish swam downstream peacefully, until the water began to ripple after a big splash was heard. I turned my head to my left to see what the commotion was, and my cheeks blushed as I saw Tristan standing in the river wearing no shirt and a pair of running shorts. He bent down to the water and began washing his face, scrubbing his fingers against his rough, wild beard. My eyes danced across his tanned chest, which was covered with hair, and he began tossing water against his body, cleaning himself. Tattoos covered his left arm and wrapped across his pec. I studied the markings on his body, unable to look away. There were more than I could count, yet my eyes tried to take in each one. I know those tattoos. Each a different masterpiece from classic children novels. Aslan from Narnia. A monster from Where the Wild Things Are. The boxcar from The Boxcar Children. Across his chest were the words ‘We’re all mad here’ from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.

My insides exploded from the brilliance of it all. There was nothing more stunning than a man who not only knew the most classic stories of all time, but also found a way to make his body his own personal bookshelf.

Water from his wet hair dripped down his forehead and fell to his chest. All of a sudden I was frozen in place. I wondered if he knew how handsome yet frightening he was. My thoughts very much matched those old Tootsie Roll Pop commercials as I gazed at his body. ‘Mister Owl, how long can I stare at this man before it becomes socially inappropriate?’ ‘I don’t know, Liz. Let’s find out. One…Two…Three…’

He hadn’t taken notice of me, and my heart was pounding against my ribcage as I stepped away from the river, hoping to not be seen.

Zeus was tied up to a tree, and when he saw me, he instantly started barking my way.

Shoot!

Tristan looked up toward me, his eyes as untamed as before. His body froze, water dripping from his chest down to the edge of his shorts. I stared for a moment too long, then realized I was staring straight at his package. My eyes shifted back up to his wild stare. He hadn’t moved an inch. Zeus kept barking and wagging his tail, trying to break away from the tree.

“Following me?” he asked. His words were short, not leaving much room for a conversation, very straight to the point.

“What? No.”

He arched an eyebrow.

I kept staring at his tattoos. Oh, Dr. Seuss’s Green Eggs and Ham. He noticed my staring.

Crap. Stop, Liz.

“Sorry,” I muttered, my face heating up from nerves. What was he doing out there?

He arched his other brow and didn’t blink once as he looked my way. Even though he could speak, it seemed he found it much more fun to make me uncomfortable and anxious. He was hard to look at, because he was so broken, but every scarred part of his existence seemed to draw me in.

I watched his every move as he untangled Zeus’ leash from the tree and headed in the direction I’d just come from. I started behind him, to get back to my house.

He paused.

A slow turn in my direction.

“Stop following me,” he hissed.

“I’m not.”

“You are.”

“Not.”

“Are.”

“Not not not!”

He cocked his brow again. “You’re like a five-year-old.” He turned back around and kept walking. I started my steps up too. Every now and then he would glance back and grunt, but we didn’t speak another word. When we reached the edge of the woods, he and Zeus walked up to the wild yard beside my house.

“I guess we’re neighbors,” I said with a chuckle.

The way he glared at me made my stomach flip. There was a high level of discomfort in my chest, yet behind it was still that familiar ting in my gut that arrived when he looked me in the eyes.

We both walked into our houses without a goodbye.

I ate dinner alone at the dining room table. When I looked across the room, through my dining room windows, I saw Tristan sitting at his table eating too. His house seemed so dark and empty. Lonely. When he looked across and saw me, I straightened up. I gave him a simple smile and a small wave. He stood from his chair, walked over to his windows, and closed his blinds.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that our bedroom windows were also right across from one another, and he was quick to shut those curtains too.

I called to check in on Emma, who from the sound of it was hyped up on candy and grandparents time. Around eight o’clock I was sitting on the living room sofa, staring into space, trying not to cry when Faye texted me.

Faye: You okay?

Me: I’m fine.

Faye: Interested in company?

Me: Not tonight. Tired.

Faye: Interested in company?

Me: Sleeping…

Faye: Interested in company?

Me: Tomorrow.

Faye: Love you, tits.

Me: Love you, boobs.

The pounding on the front door that followed after our last message wasn’t that surprising. I figured there was no way Faye wouldn’t stop by, because she knew when I said I was okay, I was normally far from being okay. What was surprising was when I opened the front door to see a slew of people. Friends. The leader of the pack was Faye, holding the biggest bottle of tequila known to mankind.

“Interested in company?” She smirked.

I stared down at my pajamas, and then glanced once more at the tequila. “Absolutely.”

***

“I really thought you would’ve slammed the door in all of our faces,” a familiar voice said from behind me as I stood in the kitchen, pouring out four shots. I turned to see Tanner staring my way, tossing the coin he always seemed to have in his grip, and I leaped into his arms for a tight hug. “Hey, Liz,” he whispered, pulling me into a tighter grip.

Tanner was Steven’s best friend, and for a long time they’d had the kind of bromance that made me think my husband might leave me for a man. Tanner was a built guy with dark, dark eyes and blond hair. He worked at the auto shop he’d taken over after his dad became sick. He and Steven became best buddies when they were paired as roommates their freshman year of college. Even though Tanner stopped going to school after the first year in order to work for his dad, he and Steven stayed close.

Tanner gave me his friendly smirk and let me go. He lifted two of the shots I poured. He handed one to me, and we downed them together. Then he lifted the other two, and we downed those also. I smiled. “You know, all four of those were for me.”

“I know. Just saving your liver a little.” I watched as he reached into his pocket, pulling out a quarter. The same quarter he would always flip between his fingers nonstop. It was a weird habit that he’d been doing way before we even met.

“I see you still have that coin of yours.” I laughed.

“Never leave home without it,” he replied with a chuckle before placing it back into his pocket.

I studied his face, concern filling me up inside. He probably didn’t know it, but sometimes his eyes looked so sad. “How are you?”

His shoulders rose and fell. “It’s just nice to see your face again. It’s been a while, buddy. Plus, you kind of just vanished after…” His words faded off. Everyone’s words always faded off when they were about to mention Steven’s death. I thought that was a good thing.

“I’m back.” I nodded and poured us four more shots. “Emma and I are here to stay. We just needed a bit of air, that’s all.”

“You still driving that piece of shit car?” he asked.

“I definitely am.” I bit my bottom lip. “I hit a dog the other day.”

His mouth dropped open. “No!”

“Yup. The dog’s okay, but my crappy car hiccupped and ran into the thing.”

“I’ll check it out for you,” he offered.

I shrugged. “It’s okay. I can pretty much walk everywhere now that I’m in town. No big deal.”

“It will be a big deal when winter comes along.”

“Don’t worry, Tanner Michael Chase, it will be all right.”

A smirk found his lips. “You know I hate when you use my full name.”

I laughed. “That’s exactly why I do it.”

“Well, we should make a toast,” Tanner offered. Faye came crashing into the room and lifted one of the shots high.

“I’m all about toasts when tequila is involved.” She giggled. “Or vodka, whiskey, rum, rubbing alcohol…”

I laughed and the three of us held the shot glasses in the air. Tanner cleared his throat. “To old friends making new beginnings. We missed you and Emma, Liz, and we are so damn happy to have you back. May the next few months be easy on you, and may you remember that you’re never alone.”

With one swift movement, we downed the shots.

“So, random question. I want to change all the locks in the place just for a new start. Do you know anyone who can do that?”

“Definitely, Sam can.”

“Sam?”

“You know the guy I fired so I could hire you? The socially awkward kid at the café? His dad has a shop that Sam works at part-time for that kind of stuff.”

“Seriously? You think he’ll help me out?”

“Of course. I’ll tell him he has to, or else I’ll fire him.” Faye winked. “He’s weird as all get out, but he’s good at his job, and quick.”

“Since when do you like quick guys?” I joked.

“Sometimes a girl just needs a dick, a beer, and reality television all within thirty minutes. Never underestimate the power of a quickie.” Faye poured herself another shot and danced away.

“Your best friend might be the first woman I’ve ever met who actually thinks like a man,” Tanner joked.

“Did you know that she and Matty are—”

“Fucking? Absolutely. After you left, she needed a girlfriend to complain to in person, and somehow she decided I looked like I had a vagina. She showed up at the auto shop every day with a story about Fatty Matty—which by the way, made me extremely uncomfortable.”

I giggled. “You mean you aren’t interested in her nicknames for her sexlationships?”

He leaned in. “Flakey Frankie? Is that a real thing?”

“Faye’s far from a liar.”

“Well, that’s unfortunate for poor Frankie.” I smiled, maybe because of the alcohol, maybe because Tanner reminded me of some of the best memories. He leaped onto the countertop and patted a spot beside him, which I accepted. “So, how’s Miss Emma doing?”

“Sassy as ever.” I sighed, thinking of my babe.

“Just like her mother.” He laughed.

I lightly shoved him in his shoulder. “I still think she received the loud sass from her father.”

“True, he was quite the handful. Remember when we went out for Halloween and Steven thought he could fight anyone because he was dressed as a ninja? He kept yelling at anyone and everyone he came across, but instead of being an awesome real life ninja, he ended up with a black eye and got us kicked out of three bars.” We both laughed together, remembering how much of a terrible drunk my husband had been.

“If I remember correctly, you weren’t the best influence on him. You always drank a bit too much and became the jerk that egged on the people who always ended up beating up my husband.”

“Truth. I’m not the nicest person when I have one too many drinks, but Steven understood that. Damn. I miss the asshole.” He sighed. We stopped laughing, my eyes growing heavy. His eyes grew heavy, too, and we sat silent, missing him together.

“Well,” Tanner said, changing the subject. “The landscape around this place looks like complete shit. I can come by and cut the grass for you if you want. And maybe toss up the fence to keep the place a bit more private.”

“Oh no. Actually, I think I’m going to take care of it all. I’m only working part-time, so it will give me something to do until I find more steady work.”

“Have you thought about getting back into interior design?”

The question of the week. I shrugged. “I haven’t really thought much about anything for the past year.”

“Completely understandable. Are you sure you don’t want a hand around this place? It’s no big deal for me to help you out.”

“Yeah, I’m sure. There comes a point when I have to start doing things for myself, you know?”

“I hear ya. But I think you should stop by my shop on Sunday. I have something I want to give you.”

I smiled. “A gift?”

“Something like that.”

Nudging him in the shoulder, I told him we could meet up on Thursday night if Emma could join us.

He nodded, then lowered his voice, staring my way. “What’s the hardest part?”

That was a very easy question for me to answer. “There are times when Emma does the funniest thing, and I’ll call into the other room for Steven to come see her. Then I pause, and remember.” The hardest part about losing someone you love is the fact that you also lose yourself. I placed my thumb between my teeth and chewed on my nail. “Enough depressing stuff. What about you? Still dating Patty?”

He cringed. “We don’t really talk anymore.”

I wasn’t surprised. Tanner was as into commitment as Faye was.

“Well, aren’t we just two sad, single peas in a pod.”

With a laugh, he lifted the bottle of tequila, pouring us another shot. “Here’s to us.”

The rest of the night kind of faded together. I remembered laughing at things that probably weren’t funny, crying over things that weren’t even sad, and having the best night I’d had in quite some time. When I woke up the next morning, I was lying in my bed, not exactly sure how I got there. I hadn’t slept in the bed since the accident. I reached for Steven’s pillow and hugged it to my body. With a deep inhale of the cotton pillow case, my eyes faded closed. Even if I didn’t feel it yet, there was no denying the fact that this was home. This was my new normal.