The Admiral

Arden Lexington

What in God’s name am I doing? I let James get too close, far too close.

His words repeat in my mind, over and over. I don’t know how he knows about my feeling broken, but he sure knows all the right things to say. It wouldn’t surprise me, he’s probably had a lot of practice, undoubtedly with all the women he’s encountered over the years all clamoring for an alpha male like him as their lover and potential mate.

Women within the fleet are not like the women on land. We’re not dainty ladies who embroider cushions and play piano in order to attract a rich husband. We’re more aggressive in what we want, and I see the way the women on my crew approach him.

The idea of James being with other women is disappointing, but he’s his own man, with no commitment to anyone, let alone me.

I shake my head at my own thoughts. Why am I even considering the idea of him getting close? Curse him and his disarming ways. Any time he’s anywhere near me he strips me of my armor without even trying. It’s fucking infuriating.

“I’d like to see Captain Debang in my quarters at once,” I tell no one in particular as I make my way below deck. Five minutes later Thomas knocks on my door.

“That was quite a show you put on last night,” he says taking a seat opposite me, “I actually put money on Morgan.”

I shake my head, tutting at him, “Betting against your own friend Thomas, how could you?”

“Was it true what you said? Has he ever beaten you?”

“The number of times we sparred it was statistically inevitable.”

“So? What now? You want me to post your new man toy as our new Master of Arms?”

“No, I want him off my ship.”

Thomas’s face twists into legitimate surprise, “What? Why? He’s perfect for our crew. He’s already proven himself valuable during combat, he’s the best shot I’ve seen in my entire life, and he’s got a decent head between his ears.”

I drop my face into my hands and rub my tired eyes, “Thomas, I can’t stand to have him anywhere near me.”

He sniggers, “That's not what I saw.” I lean back in my chair, too tired for this conversation. “Permission to speak freely, Admiral?”

I narrow my eyes at him, this must be serious indeed, “Granted.”

Thomas leans forward and narrows his eyes at me, “How long have we known each other?”

I look away. His question brings up a past I’d rather leave buried, where it can healthily fester into inevitable self-destruction.

“This man is good for you Arden,” I go to protest, but he cuts me off, “This path you’ve paved for yourself where you walk it alone, this is not a life of value, Arden. This is not what your mother would have wanted for her only daughter.”

Thomas knows almost everything about my past, but there are things I’ve never spoken about to anyone. I think he generally assumes the worst of the worst. Thomas was a young officer of the Fleet at the time they found me. In fact, the eleven-year-old me nearly killed him with a letter opener.

“You keep punishing yourself, but for what? You were just a child Arden, you couldn’t have saved your parents. Had you tried you would have died alongside them. I’ve seen the way Morgan looks at you, and what’s more, I’ve seen the way you look at him; it’s as if you’ve suddenly come alive. Respectfully, Admiral, get your head out of your ass and start living your life.”

Thomas has never spoken to me with this much conviction and passion before. He almost shames me for admitting he might be right, not out loud of course. Years of the same mindset are difficult to alter, and I’m particularly stubborn.

The real turning point was when he asked me what advice I would give someone in my situation.

All these years I haven’t even dared to think about what happened too deeply, I never dove into the core of the issue. Now with James lurking about, threatening love and potential happiness he’s challenging me to overcome these barriers. I thought I would be comfortable having them up forever, but both Giddeon and Debang are right. Maybe I deserve some happiness.

After a few more minutes of talking business, I let myself rest. I close all the curtains and lie in bed mulling over all the advice thrown my way by the amazing men in my life. They are good people and I can feel their love in their words.

What advice would I give someone in the same situation? It would probably be along the lines of what Thomas said, stop hiding and start living.

When I slept it was the first time I dreamt of the future and not the past.

I was living in a seaside cottage with James. The way he looked at me in the dream, with so much love and adoration rattled me so much that I woke up in tears. What’s more, there was laughter of children ringing in the air.

I cried for the first time since I lost my parents. They were taken from me, leaving me alone, but with the residues of my dream still swirling in my mind, then maybe I don’t have to live it alone in its entirety.