Tales of Midbar: Secret Priest

“I was just minding my own business,” said Garis. “These weirdos just picked on me!”

“Thou art trying to maketh a man who organizes rape gangs Grand Farmer of Benai Nibeyim,” said Dwendra. “That ist an abomination I canst not alloweth but what wouldst one expecteth from a child abuser?”

“I’m not a child abuser! I didn’t do anything until they had boobs and they grew really fornicating huge boobs as I’m sure you know!”

“They were still your step daughters,” I said.

“You nearly fornicated one of them!” said Garis.

“But a Benai Nibeyim leader got to her first!” I said. “Just a minute, you fornicated her before him! No wonder she’s so fornicating screwed up!”

“What the fornication are you doing helping him?” Garis asked Breeze.

“It’s not like you’re keeping the treaty,” said Breeze. “You tried to assassinate Dwendra!”

“As new Grand Farmer,” said Dwendra, “I art canceling the order to not helpeth Clindar.”

“Now the key?” asked Breeze.

“You’ll split the organization,” said Garis, “and we’ll fornicating be fornicated by the Prophesied Ruination!”

“The constitution sayeth ...”

“Nobody fornicating cares about the fornicating constitution!” shouted Garis.

“Then how shalt thou determine leadership after a decapitation attack?”

“Kiard has leadership skills!”

“Rapists are feces,” I said. “One who leads rapists is worse and somebody who tries to put a leader of rapists in any position of power defies description!”

“He’s better than a fornicating mad glildac anavah!” screamed Garis standing up.

I looked at the waitress, who was a bennis hipsickah. She’d turned very pale, even for a bennis, and was clearly realizing she’d just heard a breach of the anti-korbarism law.

“You just broke the anti-korbarism law,” I said.

“And you still haven’t told us where the key is,” said Breeze. “It was in the mental home but I think one of the patients ... Fornication, he doesn’t know where it is, it was hidden in the mental home but he got one of Yoldasia’s friends to activate an Old Magic spell to take it to whoever she thinks should be her successor. He doesn’t know who that is.”

“But you tried to make Kiard ...”

“I don’t know who the fornicating spell will send it to! You can’t do anything about Old Magic can you?” asked Garis. “She set something up to hide the key and take it to the right person if she got killed. That’s all I know and I’m sure it will be completely useless for you!”

“We still hath two keys,” said Dwendra, “and I art still a more fitting Grand Farmer, according unto the constitution, than anybody else thou may findeth.”

“I guess we’re done here,” I said getting up.

Vice president Guldrin lived in a large High Family home, along with a number of other members of his extended family and a large staff. The High Families had once been the ruling class of Midbar-Binah but had lost most their power in the Cataclysm and were now very restricted thanks to anti-familyism laws. This hadn’t stopped Guldrin from obtaining a high position in the Benai Nibeyim Merchant division as well as becoming the second most powerful person in the Paxian government. He was about a hundred and eighty years old and becoming somewhat doddery. There was a suspicion he’d been made vice-president to discourage assassination of the president.

He awoke with a gasp and tried to scream.

“I’ve put a hoarse spell on you rather than knock out your entire household,” I said quietly.

He looked at his wife, laying beside him.

“I’ve put a knock out spell on her and that’s all I’ve done to her. We’re not here to hurt you. I’m Clindar, the new chief of the Benai Nibeyim priestly division. The protocol’s ‘Dornac loves the mad nun’s ghost.’”

A nun is a woman who’s taken a vow of lifelong celibacy for religious reasons but I don’t think any religions currently on Midbar, in any sephir, include such a practice, possibly because willingness to produce children is normally a requirement for interstellar travelers and colonists.

“I’m here to tell you that the same group of monsters who attacked the magic conference in Minris and destroyed the temples of Strumeg and Denadria attacked the Benai Nibeyim leadership meeting. Although I and others tried to save people, all the Benai Nibeyim leaders, including Pressident Tuld, were killed.”

I don’t remember seeing him but he was a normal looking, faharni hipsick. We’d only realized that he’d been there when Haprihagfen had gone through the vehicles to work out who they’d belonged to and had interrogated the guards.

Guldrin gasped, “What? He has body guards.”

“They weren’t effective against the Monsters. He left one outside the grotto and he was the only one to survive. This means that you’re now effectively the president although it may take a while to make it official as the grotto of Faratondikh collapsed. That’s not really my area of expertise. It also means that Benai Nibeyim’s emergency decapitation protocols are now in effect.”

I stepped back and Dwendra stepped forward. “I art Dwendra, the new Grand Farmer of Benai Nibeyim as the protocols maketh me the Grand Vinegrower. Pax and probably Midbar art now at war with the Monsters.”

“War!” gasped Guldrin. “There are what, thirty of them!”

“We don’t know,” said Ice. “They seem to have recruited some ancients and at least one Benai Nibeyim leader so they may be able to increase their numbers by recruitment. They also have at least one flying vehicle but we don’t know if it can make orbit or if they’re likely to get reinforcements from off-planet.”

“You are?” asked Guldrin.

“Ice, apostle of Haprihagfen.”

“What?”

“It art important that we avoideth conflict with each other,” said Dwendra, “so I art initiating a policy of cooperation between Benai Nibeyim and Haprihagfen. Pax also art at war with Nuhara but your government hath chosen to ignoreth that.” She held out a computer data chip in front of Guldrin. “This containeth all the data we hath collected relating unto the Monsters including footage of the Minris and Grotto of Faratondikh attacks. I suggest you provideth this information unto the military.”