Synonym

One of the kids from our highschool lacrosse team, Luke, was having a party. He invited us over for a little reunion and said we could bring Jason, so it was a no brainer. Considering that Finn and I hadn't partied in months, there was no way we weren't going.

For two people who used to get drunk every weekend, we were going on a new record. But it wasn't by choice, we just didn't have time to party. Needless to say, I was going to end that dry spell without hesitation.

"What happened between Al and Chris, anyway? You never filled me in." Finn brought up while crossing his ankles on my desk. He was sitting in the light wash wood and metal ikea chair with it balancing on the back two legs.

I was sitting on my bed, scrolling through the news on my laptop. I'm lame, I know. "I think the distance screwed them. It was a mutual decision but I think it hurt Al a lot more. Apparently he 'didn't want to cheat on her so he had to break up with her'." I said while looking from my screen to Finn, who had taken his eyes off of his phone.

"Did he say that?" Finn asked surprised. His sweet hearted best friend would never say something like that. Or so we thought.

Finn scoffed, clearly recalling when he slept around and all the fights he got in for sleeping with peoples girlfriends. Don't get me wrong; I slept around too but Finn was much more reckless. I had people like Finn and Sam set me up while Sam and Finn just saw a pretty girl and went for it. I didn't think that made him a bad person, honestly. If the girl was cheating then that's her problem. It's not like he asked if she was single. I'm sure if he knew he wouldn't hook up with them; not after what happened with his mom. Speaking of which, Finn hadn't talked about her in three days, since that fight.

"If Chris wants to throw away all his friends, then fine. That's his problem."

I gave Finn a knowing look, my lips turned down. "You know what's not true." I said gently. If Sam did that to me, I'd be broken. Finn must be feeling a similar sort of hurt despite having plans with Chris for New Years.

"Of course it's not true." He muttered and put his phone on the white desk, leaning his head against his fist on the back of the chair, looking at me. "But what am I supposed to do? Fucking cry about it?"

Of course he would say that. A stereotypical man at his finest. But I can't say I didn't expect that response. "I honestly don't know, but it is okay to be sad about it."

"If it makes you feel better, the same thing happened with my friends from California. I knew them for 12 years and then we were strangers." I suppose Finn was right. When it happens slow enough, you stop caring but that doesn't stop the hurt when you think of the memories. "Have you talked to your father?" I changed the topic.

"Yeah." He responded bluntly.

"Did that end in a fight too?" I asked knowingly.

"Yes. So what? He should have warned me that bitch was there." He spat bitterly. Sometimes I think Finn carried his anger and his fathers. Instead of moving on, his dad's indifference angered Finn more. I couldn't judge him, my family had never had issues like this. I don't even know how I would begin to feel in that situation.

"Don't you think you should give her a change?" I couldn't stop myself. It was too late.

"Why the hell should I give her a chance?!" Finn's head whipped in my direction, the chair dropping back on all four legs and his eyes wide like I'd just told him I had a foot fetish. No offense to anyone who has that, but gross. I mean, more power to you, but totally not our thing. "She doesn't deserve that from me. She fucked up. Not me. Now I get to make a choice as an adult."

"Why do you care so much? You never cared before!" Finn pointed out, getting excruciatingly frustrated with the situation. I knew him, and I knew his anger wasn't directed at me. I shouldn't have brought it up. Now he was struggling not to go off on me for stepping out of line.

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"Because I think she wants to know her son before it's too damn late!" I snapped. Where that had come from, I honestly had no idea. It was like I was having an out of body experience, my adrenaline saying whatever was lurking under the surface. Finn's face relaxed in an instant, his tight face turning into a small frown. His clear forest eyes seemed to turn lighter and friendlier in seconds, like he flipped a switch. Even his shapely arm muscles visibly relaxed. I regretted what I had said almost immediately. "What is this really about?"

"Nothing!" I answered a little to fast. I knew what this was about, and Finn seemed to know too. Talking about this right now wasn't something that was needed. It happened and it passed.

"Don't do this, Sylvia. Just say what you mean, it's okay, whatever it is." Finn reassured me, standing from the chair. He gently picked my laptop up off my crossed legs and placed it on the white desk top before sitting next to me on the bed, wrapping an arm around my body. "Is this about the baby?" He asked hesitantly, like he didn't want to upset me more.

My eyes didn't water but I still felt the pressure building in my head. "Finn, just drop it. It's nothing I haven't said before. I don't want to get repetitive." It might sound stupid, but I had a fear of harping on it. Would that tear our relationship apart? If we couldn't move on from our miscarriage because of me?

"You're a smart woman but you're being incredibly stupid right now." I couldn't help but smile for a second when he said that. It quickly dropped, but it was there and that's all that mattered. "If you won't say how you feel than I will. It still hurts me too. I think about it when I see couples with children in public and I feel guilty too. You aren't the only one who thinks it's their fault. If I had a different blood type, we would have been fine. We would have been having our child soon. But the truth is, we both feel guilty when we shouldn't. No one could have predicted that the Rogham shot would be needed that soon. It's okay to be angry, it's okay to be sad, but don't keep it in. It doesn't help anyone no matter how much you think it does."

"I know it's hard. You aren't the most open person, but you've always been honest with me.  You've told me things that no one else knew even before we started dating. I want to be there for you, especially for those painful moments when you need help. You just need to let me."

"I'm sorry." I said softly while wiping under my right eye with the back of my pointer finger. "I thought I was alright. Honestly, it just came out. I didn't mean to push you either. It isn't my place and I don't know what I'm talking about." I apologized while letting my head rest on Finn's warm chest. Even through a shirt, there was nothing like the touch of another human. The warmth and the sound of their heartbeat holding you like a mother.

I didn't want a baby before. I didn't want a baby when I first found out I was pregnant. I don't even want a baby now, but that doesn't take away the pain. Was it selfish to say that I only wanted to keep the child because of Finn? That didn't mean I didn't love our baby, I did. But, if it wasn't for Finn I wouldn't have kept him or her.

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Him or her.

I didn't even know the gender.

That stung more than I wanted to admit.

"I think you have the right to voice your opinion. You are a part of my life." Finn paused, his chin brushing the top of my head. "I'll think about talking to her if you want me to. I'm not making any promises, though."

"No," I assured him quickly while shaking my head back and forth slightly. "No, I was just talking out of my ass. You're just going to be unhappy if you force yourself to do it. Forget her. She doesn't matter."

"And what if you were right the first time? If talking to her would be good for both of us?"

"Then I'd support whatever decision you make. It's up to you."

"I love you." Fin murmured into my head, his lips pressing my temple.

"I love you too."