Synonym

I would be lying if I said Finn and I didn't have sex twenty minutes later when I went to take a shower. In all honesty, I had no idea one could make love in a shower. Fucking in a shower was common, but once again Finn managed to surprise me with his love and his skills. I was one lucky woman.

Now we were laying in our bed, listening to each others low breathing. The room was dark, illuminated only by some moonlight peaking through the window and the analog clocks on each of our nightstands. Finn's arm was wrapped around my waist as I practically laid on his chest.

"I'll call an OBGYN after practice tomorrow. See if I can get in as soon as possible." I spoke while lightly tracing swirls in Finn's pectoral with the tip of my pointer finger. He mumbled a 'mhm' in response. "I'm sorry that I said you didn't care before. I was just nervous and scared. I didn't mean it. I know you wouldn't leave or anything." The guilt was eating me. Finn hadn't mentioned it but I knew it was on the back of his mind. I could see it in his eyes now that everything was being processed.

"I know. I was just shocked you said it. But I understand, or sympathize at least. I can't really understand; I've never been pregnant before." Finn laughed at the end, easing my nerves and making me feel a little less guilty.

"I'd hope not. Or else this baby might be a fucking miracle."

My phone binged from my nightstand so I rolled on to my back and stretched out my arm to grab it off the table. When I clicked the home button I was two new notifications. One from Emma that was just sent and one from Jameson from half an hour ago. He must have texted while we were in the shower.

I didn't think much of them as I unlocked my phone with my thumb and settled into Finn's grasp again. He didn't agree with that sentiment though. Finn watched as I responded to Emma's concerned text, asking how it went. I told her it want fine and that she was right. Emma then reminded me that I'm a paranoid idiot.

"Does anyone else know?" Finn asked curiously.

"Besides Emma?" I turned my head from my phone to look up at him. "No. I wanted tell you first but I needed moral support so called Emma. She knew before me if it makes you feel better."

He nodded and I rested my head on his chest again, before opening up the text Jameson sent me. That didn't quell Finn's suspicions. "What does Jameson mean 'Were you alright until Finn got there'? What happened and why did you call Jameson?" His voice was on edge, obviously bothered that I didn't call him when whatever situation with Jameson happened.

I ran my tongue over my teeth, contemplating how to word my answer. I didn't want to make Finn feel shity because I know how he is. He finds his own way to blame himself in most situations. Admittedly, I do the same. "Don't freak out. But... I had a slight panic attack but everything was fine. I called Jameson, Emma was there. It was fine." I tried to reassure him. That didn't stop Finn from shooting up in bed so we were both sitting.

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"Why didn't you call me?" He sounded almost hurt and that broke my heart.

How could I tell him he would make it worse? I had to be honest with him. I always was. That's why we were such a strong couple, but I just don't know. Finn's going to think I don't trust him or that I don't think he had good character. I couldn't look him in the eyes so I looked at the white comforter covering my legs. "I called Jameson because he's the only other one whose ever seen a panic attack."

"That doesn't answer my question." Finn bluntly pointed out. I bit my lip for a second before I responded to him gently.

"I didn't call you because I was having an anxiety attack about telling you. But it wasn't just about you, it was also about the whole pregnancy thing in general. If I called you then you would get worried and I didn't even know what I would say. Look, I'm sorry but I can't control it." I sounded desperate by the end of my spiel. That only made me seem more culpable of not trusting Finn. I hoped he didn't think that, because I truly trusted Finn more than I trusted myself. Sad but true.

I've told him things that I've never even thought about telling other people. He's seen things that I only wanted myself to see. He knows things that I want to burry deep inside of me.

"I know you can't control it. No one can." The time of his voice made it obvious that he wasn't done talking. That made my nervous. Instinctively, I looked up at his face when he spoke. "But there is obviously a subconscious reaction to not trust me."

The sadness behind his eyes was blatant. I hurt him without even trying. I felt like I was stuck. What could I say to fix this? Was there anything I could say at all? I didn't want this to become a problem, everything was going so well.

"Finn." He didn't look at me, his face was focused on the comforter in his lap. "Finn." I demanded again, taking his jaw in both my hands, forcing him to face me. I could feel his slight stubble on my palms, tickling my soft skin. His green eyes still didn't look at my brown ones. I couldn't help it, so I snapped.

"God damn it, Griffin! Look me in the fucking eyes!" I probably shouldn't have lost my cool but I was annoyed with him. I shouldn't have been annoyed with his feelings but I was. His jaw clenched and his muscles rippled under my hands before his eyes met mine but they were hard. Ready to fight me back.