Synonym

I didn't know if I wanted to cry and break down in tears or scream at the top of my lungs and curse the heavens for whatever was happening to me.

I panicly called Emma and practically demanded that she come over. Luckily, she was free and was used to my borderline bossy personality. It took her about ten minutes to rush to our apartment. Finn was out with Jason doing God knows what. I had intended to stay home and lounge around because I didn't feel like going out this friday night, but as soon as I saw the notification on my phone, I went into full on panic mode.

I was frantically googling shit for half and hour before I made a quick trip to CVS and back to the apartment when I called Emma. My period tracker alerted me that I was two weeks late and I hadn't even realized it. I had been so engrossed in school work and lacrosse that I hadn't even remembered. September had been stressful. The rigorous school and training schedule was finally setting in, not to mention the trial during week one of September. By the time the beginning of October rolled around, I was in full b-line mode.

"I can't look. Do it for me. Please." My voice was weak as I looked at Emma who was leaning against the white countertop of our bathroom. My eyes were glued to her face while I sat on the edge of the tub in the surprisingly large bathroom. My hands were over my mouth as I hung my head in my hands.

Emma looked hesitant but she picked up the five tests in one hand easily. Her face remained expressionless while her eyes looked at each one of them, placing them back on the counter. From my angle I couldn't see the result and I'm not sure if I wanted too. The lack of emotion on Emm's gorgeous face made me even more worried. I can't do this. If I'm pregnant, I swear I won't know what to do.

My career could be over.

My Olympic dreams could be over.

My life could be over.

My relationship could be over.

I could lose everything thing.

I was so scared. Finn and I weren't ready for kids. What if I wanted an abortion and he didn't? What if it was the other way around? It would destroy us. There would be no recovering. The one man I loved might be gone.

My heart was pounding in my chest and my ears. This was even more rigorous than any workout I had ever done. My body was on the verge of breaking into a cold sweat and the pressure in my head was growing. I was on the verge of a full on breakdown.

"Just spit it out Emma!" I couldn't help but beg a little more aggressively than I should have. She didn't seem to mind, though. Her crystal blue eyes met mine as she finally spoke up.

"I think you need to tell Finn to come home."

I felt my heart drop to my stomach. I couldn't stop the sob that escaped my lips as my eyes got watery, the pressure in my head peaking. Emma quickly pushed herself off the counter and sat next to me on the edge of the tub, putting her arm around my shoulders.

"My life is over." I couldn't help but sob into my hands. I expected all my stress to leave my body when I heard the results, but the opposite happened. I feel even worse than before. My pessimistic nature was not helping my emotions right

now.

"Your life isn't over. Everything will be fine." Emma tried to soothe me while rubbing my arm up and down. Her southern drawl was even more prevalent now making it obvious that she was shocked and somewhat nervous too.

"We haven't even been together for a year yet. It's been barely nine months. Ten months in two weeks. We aren't even 19 yet! Both of us turn nineteen in a month. A month! We're both full time students with no job and no time!" If I had thought we were moving fast in April, this was a whole new level of fast. I've known Finn for just over a year. This was not the time for a baby.

I didn't even like children that much! I knew Finn liked them, he had told me as much. But that didn't mean he wanted them now. I honestly don't even know if I want this baby. Abortion always seemed like a no brainer choice but now it didn't seem so black and white.

I couldn't just do what I wanted. I had a man that I loved and if I wanted to keep him around, I needed his opinion too. Even if we both wanted an abortion, that would put a huge strain on our relationship without us even trying. "I was on birth control. I never missed a pill. Why do I have to be the exception? Why?"

Everything around me was crumbling and shattering to pieces. I was breathless now and I could feel everything around me spinning. The first thought that shot through my mind was 'panic attack' and then 'shit'. This couldn't be good for the baby.

Taking a Xanax probably wouldn't help the baby either. I'm pretty sure that's a huge no-no.

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But I couldn't stop it. You can't stop anxiety attacks. This situation couldn't be worse. It couldn't possibly get worse. It was unfathomable.

But I knew my body, and I knew what was happening. I was about to go into full on panic attack mode. "Get my phone! I need to call someone!" I begged through my heavy breaths and racing heart.

Emma's eyes were wide with panic when she realized what was happening. Her skinny frame left mine and grabbed the smartphone off of the counter, fumbling with it as she handed it to me. Emma knew about my panic attacks like most of my friends, but she had never experienced it before. There were only two people to ever witness one from beginning to end without me passing out. Finn and Jameson.

One of them I wouldn't call over my dead body.

The cool metal pressed in my hand as I shakily unlocked the smart phone and opened my contacts. I struggled to type Jameson's long name due to my blurring vision and my lightheadedness. I was full on shaking by now. Emma helped me to the cold tile floor so I was in a safer position.

My back leaned against the porcelain tub as I prayed to God that Jameson would answer me. If he didn't, I might not be able to call Finn in time. The room was spinning and my brain was so scrambled that I almost missed Jameson's voice through the phone. I don't know what he said, but it didn't matter.

Through my hyperventilating I managed to get some words out. "I'm ha-aving a panic attack and F-Finn isn't around." That was a lie but I didn't care at this point.

Emma took the phone from my hand and put it on speaker while crouching I front of me. "Jameson? This is her friend Emma. I don't know what to do. Talk to her. Please." She sounded desperate and scared. Great, I'm scaring her too. "I've never h-had anxiety over something that wasn't related to them." I didn't have to explain who 'them' was. Jameson already knew.

"That's normal. Don't think about what's stressing you out. You're okay. You are with your friend. I'm right here. Deep breaths." Jameson coaxed over speaker phone. "Everything works itself out. You have people all around you to support you. No one can hurt you."

His words didn't do much to calm me down, but as he led me through breathing exercises I felt my heart rate slowing down and my muscles relaxing slightly. My heart still pounded but my tears stopped. Jameson stayed with me the whole time.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jameson asked gently as I turned the speaker phone off and held the phone to my ear.

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I debated it, but decided that Finn should ultimately be the next person to know. He wouldn't be the first, but he should at least be damn close to it. I exhaled deeply, holding my forehead in my left hand. "No. I want to talk to Finn first. Don't take it personally. I'll let you know eventually." My voice was corse from my heavy breathing and my crying.

There was silence before Jameson hesitantly spoke up. "Are you...." He trailed off, not wanting to say it.

"What? No! Don't worry." I lied straight through my mother fucking teeth. I heard what sounded like a breath of relief. Wait to go, Jameson. Make me feel like shit, why don't you? It wasn't his fault, I scolded myself. "Look. I got to go. I'll text you later. Thanks for being there."

"No problem. Take care Sylvia." The line clicked and Emma returned to the bathroom. I looked up as she handed my the ice pack. Emma seemed to have calmed down with me but her furrowed black brows made it evident that she was still worried about me.

"Thanks. I know I'm not the easiest person." I murmured while holding the ice to my head with my left hand. Physically, I was calm and serene. Mentally, I was drained. That would all change when I saw Finn's face. My head would be running a million miles a minute all over again.

Holy shit. I'm pregnant with a child. I was carrying Finn's child.

It was just hitting me now that my mind had run blank, that I was having a baby. An actual human was inside of me. My baby. That realization was incomprehensible.

I almost allowed myself to get lost in the bliss of it, but like a switch my paranoia came back. "What if he leaves me, Emma? I'll be nothing without him. He's everything to me." I murmured while staring at the open text screen for Finn. I don't know what to do.

How could I have not noticed my period was that late? How did the metallic tasting water not make me think twice? And the fucking pickles? God, how was I such an idiot.

"He won't leave you. I may not have known him long, but I can already tell he loves you more than anything in this world. That man would move heaven and earth for you." Emma said gently. "Tell him to come home. You need to talk to him before you tear yourself apart."

It wasn't fine.

God give me strength.