SWNOVELS Chapter 13
Nothing could be done until Innin came back from the post. He had side-stepped Luyun’s question, asking if there was a place he could send a letter to my mother. He had written furiously, coughing every so often, only making me worried he was sicker than he let on. But I pushed those worries down, he didn’t deserve my sympathy. He refused all of Tani’s offering of tea, of warm soup, of anything to help him get over this little cold. Pili and I waited in the room for him to come back. I picked at my fingers, only adding to the blood that trickled next to my nailbeds. Eventually, Pili took my hands in his, dirtying his bandages, it kept me from continuing to peel open my skin. I felt my tail start to scratch against the matted floor, my anxiety, frustration, fear, and excitement needing release now that my hands were restrained.
Pili asked me if I wanted to talk about what was bothering me. I couldn’t think of what to say or how to phrase it. There was so much swimming around my head that I needed to organize before I could begin to answer his question. I didn’t want to bring Pili into a war, nor did I want Innin to fall seriously ill, no matter how irritated I was at him. I didn’t know if Pili would feel uncomfortable if I told him what Innin had said to me, and why he had said it. Would he still want to travel with me? Could I still go with him? I wanted to bite my fingers clean off in my worry.
I knew, however, that there wouldn’t be many chances for me to talk to Pili without Innin present. It would be a rare chance for me to speak my mind. I wouldn’t have to choose my words carefully in case it sparked Innin’s ire. It felt freeing thinking that way, like I was one step closer to wherever I vaguely remember flying away to. Somewhere away from the Interior, away from the palace, from court, from my mother, from Innin. I took a breath to calm myself, thinking about what the relationship between Tani and Luyun was. Was it really just a Flodkaros supporting a Qriacin? Or was it what Innin wanted me to be with Lady Oglin? If it were the latter, it gave me a little bit of hope that it was okay for me to feel such a way towards another man.
Pili looked at me with concern, holding my hands a little firmer as he repeated his question. It all fell out of me, my tail relaxing as the words I could never organize in my mind came out in a semi-coherence. He listened as I spoke everything that was worrying me. What Innin and I had talked about last night, what had happened with my chamber staff. That I didn’t want to marry Lady Oglin but had promised my mother I would so I could travel with him. That I wanted to help Luyun, but I didn’t want to drag him into it, I didn’t want to start a war if it could be avoided. And I finished with a muttering that I liked him, maybe more than a friend should.
He was quiet for the longest time, and I was worried I had disgusted him with the last words I had spoken. Instead, he told me a story about his cousin that I struggled to find the relevancy of. And while his voice broke as he related to me how his cousin passed away, he found the strength to continue, to tell me that he was never supposed to take over for his uncle. That he loved his uncle, but the pestering on when he’d find a bride irritated him and he never could pinpoint why. He had come to terms that he may never know the why, but it was something he needed to figure out himself. He wasn’t going to brush off my feelings, he only knew he couldn’t accept or deny them, not yet at least. There was too much he needed to think about first. I understood, maybe a little heartbroken, and I kept anything that wanted to spill out in, only allowing a question of if he wanted to help Luyun. This had always been a trip for him, I didn’t want to overstep my role as his traveling companion any more than I may have already. He let out a laugh, holding my hands firmer and declared he’d go to war with me if it came to that. Not as a member of the Aeces, though, but as a Reissu.
Happiness overcame me hearing those words. Even if I couldn’t remember why, I felt the realignment of one’s tribe wasn’t something done lightly. I hugged him, saying my thanks; I felt his arms wrap around me, and him moving his head away from my horn. Then I was pulled away from him at my collar by Innin, coughing wet into the crook of his arm. He sat down rather limply, half-ignoring, half-reassuring Pili’s question on if he was feeling okay. I didn’t believe him, nor did Pili, looking at his pale face, hearing the mucus he coughed up at regular intervals. I wanted to find Tani if to at least ask for some tea, but Pili went instead. I didn’t want to be left alone with him, I hadn’t forgiven him for last night. Whispering, Pili told me not to be too hard on him, even if he had hurt my feelings. Innin had given up his jacket at some point in the night, having draped it over my blanket to keep me warm.
He had gotten sick because of me. I began to pick at my fingers once more, anxiety overcoming me as I thought about apologizing. I balled my hands into fists, nails digging into my fleshy palms as Innin laid on his back, brushing pink hair away from his forehead and letting his eyelids droop. “Ezollen,” he said quietly, weakly, “I’m sorry if—for upsetting you.” I sure blood now coated my palms as my fingernails dug deeper in the soft moment he took. “But it needed to happen. I had hoped…to never have that conversation with you again.” I was going to answer him in a moment of impulsivity, instead I swallowed my words as he grabbed my wrist the way I imagined a father would. “I don’t know when your memories will come back, or even if they will, and how much you’ll remember. It…It needed to be said again.”
I wiped blood on my face as I brushed away tears, watching him hawk up more mucus into his arm. I didn’t know how to answer him with rationality. Part of me wanted to accept his apology, to tell him I understood even if I didn’t agree or like it. The rest of me wanted to stay defiant. I was next in line for the throne, Innin had no blood claim to kingship like I did. When he found the strength to sit back up, he only told me I needed to stop my habit of picking at my nails. I wanted to scream something pure, primal. It felt nothing truly mattered for him. He was only going to keep me alive, it wasn’t like he had to care about me. If my wings weren’t clipped, I would have flown as far as they would take me by now. I kept myself from laughing through my tears as everything I had realized came back to me. I ran to the Southern Isles to get away from my Blue Moon Beautillion, and I was running away again, but this time from all that followed it.
I wanted to ask him if he actually cared about me, more than what was needed to keep me from dying. I was scared of his answer, though, scared to know if he really didn’t, or if the trust I had come to feel for him was all built on a lie. I wiped more tears away, smearing more blood on my cheeks. I was acting like a brat, and I was terrified to know his answer, but a growing part of me wanted to know. “Do you…even like me, Innin?” I asked, blood starting to coat my white sleeves. “Did you even…want to-to be my retainer?”
Innin coughed and dabbed at the splotches of blood on my face with the edge of his sleeve before laying on his back once more. “The day you were born, Ezollen…was—is the happiest day of my life.” He closed his eyes, dispelling any of my thoughts that he may have fallen asleep by heaving a sigh. “I love you, as much as your father did.” A smile formed on his face. “The first time I held you…I vowed to never hold a sword again unless it was to protect you.”
“I’m sorry, Innin,” I said before I was aware of it, tears falling faster and harder. “I’m sorry for always being a brat, and-and for making your life hard.”
He let out a laugh that soon turned into hacking. “I’d have been more concerned if you hadn’t.”
I watched over Innin as he fell asleep. I shed my jacket to place over him as a make-shift blanket, trying my hardest to get as little blood on it as possible. I wiped away the slowing tears, knowing without a mirror I looked a mess. I waited in nervous patience for Pili to return, my gaze focused on Innin’s chest as it rose and fell. It startled me when he came back, my attention having been entirely on making sure Innin kept breathing. I picked my head up when I heard Tani ask if I was alright. Pili set down whatever it was he was carrying to rush over to me. He was about to take my hands in his when Tani stopped him, reminding him he had just changed his bandages. I wiped at my eyes once more and told Tani I was fine, just a nervous habit gone awry.
Tani wrapped my hands in bandages, wiped the blood from my face, and helped us lay out bedding for Innin. We were to let him sleep, to let his body rest and hopefully kick out most of the sickness. For reassurance he told me that us Reissu were strong, we weren’t ever sick for long. I looked down at my bandaged hands as spots of blood seeped into the fabric, feeling worried Innin wouldn’t recovered enough to continue on. But my focus took a sharp turn as something much bigger made itself known. Tani had handed Pili a letter address to Innin, saying something or other about him getting a reply unusually quick before taking his leave.