SWNOVELS Chapter 11
Pili was still somewhat cold by the time we turned in, but after having had a hot bath, the color had returned to his face, and he wasn’t trembling as much as before. Tani had wrapped his fingers in bandages, given him clothes Pili claimed were warmer than the furs we’d left the Interior in. I wasn’t sure I believed him, they looked too light to be of any warmth, but I was happy he wasn’t on the brink of death anymore.
Pili had asked me to sleep next to him in hopes of helping his body return to its normal temperature. Without a fireplace in our room, it seemed like a reasonable request. All we had to rely on for warmth in the even colder nights that Tani warned us about were heavy blankets, our clothes, and ourselves. I wasn’t going to let Pili freeze in the night, even if I felt nervous lying next to him. His face had been so close to mine during that dance we shared…remembering it had my face heating up and my heart start to beat a little faster. I wasn’t sure what it was I was feeling, but I was certain that it was something different from friendship.
I wasn’t able to get much sleep, every time I was beginning to drift, the look on his face when he wished me a happy birthday came back to me. I wanted to know why my stomach felt fluttery thinking about it. I thought I could ask Innin at some point, yet there was a little seed of fear that he would shut down my question the minute I asked it. It wasn’t like I could ask Pili either, it’d be too embarrassing to utter it in his presence. I decided to stop pretending to sleep when Innin got up, the night still stretching over everything when he slid the door to the room open. I followed him as quietly as I could, sharply whispering his name to grab his attention.
Startled, he finally turned around, then stood confused at me, wrapping his coat closer to himself. “What’re you doing up, Ezollen?” He scolded me in his own whisper. I told him I couldn’t sleep and in response, he asked, “Is this because of Argak? Your mother said I shouldn’t bring it with us, but I tried to tell her you were too attached to the thing.” I put my head in my hands, embarrassed that he had to bring up the stuffed possum. I shook my head, trying to regain my composure, and when I finally found it, I asked him what my feelings towards Pili could mean. He let out a sigh. “Go back to the room and wait, I’ll be there in a bit.” Sensing my next question he added, “Finding a place to relieve myself. Now go.”
When Innin returned, calling me out of the slightly warmer room back into the night, I never expected him to tell me I wasn’t to dwell on those feelings. I picked at my fingers, only more confused by everything, tears I didn’t think were needed welled at my eyes. “Why can’t I?” I asked, forcing those tears away.
“You’re kind, Ezollen,” he said. “And the kindest thing you can do is to forget what it is you feel for Pili.”
“But I’m not sure what it even is I feel for him.” I rubbed at my eyes to make sure the tears really were gone.
Innin looked up at the awning. “A minor attraction, I’m assuming.” He fixed his gaze back on me. “You shouldn’t feel this way for an Aeces, it’s not right. Reserve those feelings for Lady Oglin.”
Tears returned and fearing I would cry, I went back in the room, curling up under a blanket. I felt I’d heard words similar to that before from Innin, and through the splitting headache that came with it, I tried to pinpoint the memory, to force it to the surface; tears now coating my cheeks from the pain more than anything else. I pushed past it, finding the memory to be as unpleasant as I had assumed it was. I had woken up confused by a dream, knickers a mess, and when I asked Innin if he could shed some light on the dream, he asked me if I remembered who was in it. He had been noticeably upset when I told him it was one of my butlers. Whatever I felt towards him was to be kept for whoever became my wife, then all my butlers were dismissed and replaced with maids. Whatever they weren’t going to do for me, Innin did in their stead. I wiped at my eyes and nose. I wasn’t going to force my feelings for Pili down because Innin told me to. If I…If I ever got the courage to tell him, and if he told me not feel that way…I’d push them onto Lady Oglin, then.
For one whole year, I’d be whoever it was I wanted. I wasn’t going to let Innin change me, not like how he could simply change my chamber’s staff. Was it really so bad for me to have liked one of my butlers? To like Pili, even though I didn’t know all that much about him? At least, I knew he wasn’t someone who’d let an injured person die, that had to count for something. I gripped my tail in my hand in place of that stuffed possum, figuring if I pretended long enough to have gone back to sleep, I would fall asleep, and Innin wouldn’t try to talk to me anymore.