SWNOVELS Chapter 7: Initiative
Chapter 7: Initiative
X-corp. had started as a type of identity bureau. Banks, retailers, telecommunications companies – all used their database to verify people’s addresses or locate delinquent customers. Over time, Immigration, the IRS, the Treasury Department, and then Homeland security tapped this information to locate people. Eventually, these new customers requested new services, to assist in creating watch lists, etc. Both the company and the clients were masters of collecting and storing information; neither had any notion what to do with it. Mel has been brought in to “mine” these databases. When he was brought in, the sum total of effort involved in locating terrorists, consisted of analyzing names: flagging for Arabic and Hispanic surnames, given names, measuring the ratio of vowels to consonants in suspect’s surname. For example, a highly disproportionate number of serial killers turned out to have the middle name, “Wayne” (e.g. John Wayne Gasey) The ACLU caught wind of this, and levelled the unfair charge of racism (rather than incompetence) at both the government and X-corp.
While Mel was working on this project, dragging X-corp into the late 20th century, a small project took his interest. In the UK, security cameras were ubiquitous. The Brits, being used to being controlled never whined or wailed over Civil Liberties, the way Americans do. Theses cameras had become indispensable to Policing and monitoring terrorists. Originally, the contract was to improve the facial recognition capabilities of the surveillance cameras, but over time, it was to link the cameras, to tracking people. As the cost of maintaining these systems busted the budget, more and more cameras fell into disrepair.
As cheap as they were, replacing cameras was a major expense. Juveniles made something of a sport of “popping the eyes” of the police. There was no way to keep up. Mel had moved to the UK by now and had presented a proposal on how to use computers and data to “fill the gaps” in non-stop monitoring of the UK population. National Security Loved it. No one else did.
X-corp saw it as a low-margin, non-core business. The company in charge of the security network was a wholly-owned subsidiary of the camera manufacturer (“You are telling me, you want to cut our sales by 20 %?). The City officials simply did not believe it was possible. After much self-reflection, Mel admitted to himself they were right: no one in the world was interested in increasing productivity, under high unemployment. He had a nest egg, and a much stranger, more useless idea…
Customer Service hotline: 0870-777-111
Without any preparation, he called the number. He patiently worked his way through the electronic menu. This was going to take a while, so he plugged his phone into the speaker and turned on the News, and started preparing dinner. After a few electronic cul-de-sacs, he found a question: “If you have questions about registering your company, press or say 88.”
BINGO!
“Eight....Eight,” Mel tried to enunciate loudly and clearly.
“If you have questions about registering your company, press or say 88....”
“Crap!” Mel had miscalculated, and had his hands covered in garlic.
He reached over and pressed the buttons with his pinkie finger. After several attempts, he seemed to have passed to the next level, but got stuck in a loop providing mailing information. Exasperated, he jabbed his pinkie at 9999, then 8888, looking for the secret code. Finally, he got routed to a hopeful recorded message:
“We are connecting you to a Customer Service Representative. Please hold.”
Elated, Mel knew he had time to get the water boiling for pasta, chop onions and mushrooms, and maybe even open a beer. He quickly checked himself. “Not a good idea,” he thought to himself, “No drinking until the phone call is over.” He needed to concentrate, and did not want to have to start over.
“Business Services. How may I help you?”
“Yes. I am trying to start a business. I am logged on the site and was trying to find the correct form to register.’’ Mel hurriedly raced to his console.
“What is your name?”
“Mel Watts. ...W-Whiskey, A-Apple, T- ... ah...
“Tango?” she asked, helpfully
“Yes! Tango, Tango, S-Switzerland?”
“Thank you, Sir. [pause] What is your business category code, sir?”
“Ï am not sure...I was going to develop some ...”
“The classifications are listed on our website,” she interrupted tersely, ’’are you a registered property developer? 556?”
“No. I was trying to find out how to register. But I’m not sure that fits.”
“We do not handle property developers only registration. Once you are registered, you will need to contact the Office of Urban Restoration.”
“That sounds right, how do I register?”
“Mr Watts. Have received income from this business in the past 3 months? I must inform you, this call is being recorded.”
“No. I am just starting. I am trying to figure out how to register”.
“Very well, sir. You will need to go into our offices with the registration forms, Visa, National Insurance Card, Business Banking statement, and BT phone bill to establish your residence”
“I don’t have a business banking account. I also don’t have a BT phone line.”
“I am sorry, Sir, but you need a business bank account before you can register for VAT.”
“I see. And what can I use instead of a BT phone bill? Would my work visa suffice?”
“I don’t understand, Sir.”
“I am new here. I came here on a work visa. My address is registered with immigration.”
“We only accept BT or electric utility bills as proof of residence.”
“My landlord pays my utilities.”
“Then you should bring your BT phone bill, sir’.
“I told you I don’t have one. Could I get a letter from my landlord?”
“That would be acceptable, as long as your name appears on the utility bill with your address”.
“I doubt that, as they pay the bill.”
Silence.
Mel realised he needed to ask a question fast or get cut off, but was not sure what to ask.
“Is there a small business helpline I could call?”
“All the information you need to register your business is on our website, www...”
“I went to the website; I could not find the answers to the questions...”
“Sir, there is no need to raise your voice”. Mel did not agree, but he recognized the warning tone. He could not afford another ASBO citation, and he had used his own business phone. She had probably already begun a trace. He backtracked immediately, “Sorry ma’am, I am in a crowded room.”
He fussed with his phone, pretending to shuffle. “There... is that better?”
She seemed to fall for it. “Yes sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?”
He made one last attempt, “Could you please explain to me how I can find out how to register for VAT taxes?” Exasperated, the customer service officer repeated, “You can find all the information you need on our website, www.national services.co.uk/smallbusiness”.
“I tried the website, but I couldn’t find it. I found this number on the contact us section.”
“This line is for customer information only, sir. I can assure you, the information is all there.”
“Is there an office I can go to make sure I get the correct forms?”
“You are welcome to drop by either the London and Glasgow offices. There addresses on the website.”
She cut off the line, routing him back into the phone menu. Mel thought about trying pressing a different sequence of numbers, while he listened to the pre-recorded information....
This was a remarkably successful phone call, he thought to himself. Mel half bragged to himself, “I am really good at stuff I’m not good at. He figured sooner or later, he would have to get a BT line. A BT invoice had been the primary confirmation of identity in the UK for 100 years. Apparently, not having a “landline” was one of the leading indicators of terrorist activity. ...But nothing on the web page mentioned needing a business bank account.
He called several banks, to set up appointments to talk to customer service representatives. The earliest date he could find was in two weeks. He scoured their websites. Sure enough, he needed a BT phone bill. OK, first things first. He may need to hire a solicitor as well as an accountant. This is going to be expensive. The following day, he received an e-transmission:
“Dear Mr. Mel Watts (Reg #88132):
Thank you for contacting us. Your estimated taxes for Q1 is £3,500.00 payable in 30 days. You can find all the information you need for registering your business, filing for VAT, National Health Insurance, and estimated tax payment due, on our website, www.national services.co.uk/smallbusiness. If you have any questions, feel free to call our Customer Service Hotline...”
Mel packed his bags that night and retreated to Berkeley, phoning his only friend, Buck Henry.